To not *always* want to go to bed at the same time

[lurkingman]

As my name suggests, I'm a man, but I don't know whether I, or DP, is being unreasonable in ALWAYS wanting us to go bed at the same time.
Sometimes, there's work I feel I need to do, or a hobby-passion I want to get sorted. Very occasionally, it's even just I'd like to watch TV or read.
But DP absolutely insists on going to bed together every night. Even then, I've tried offering to go to bed when she does, have a cuddle (and..) then get up when she's drifted off.
However, anything other than same bedtime results in seriously negative outcomes.
AIBU?

I rarely go to bed at the same time as my husband. He has to be up at 4.30-5am most mornings so he will go up at 9.30. I dont have to be up until 9 most days, so I go to bed about 1am.. we usually go to bed at the same time on a saturday as that is the only night he stays up later.

Of course YANBU. Adults can go to bed whenever they like, so long as they take care not to disturb the other person if they're in a couple.

I do think that if you are a person who is easily woken up by other people in the house, you need to work on that. It's not, actually, reasonable to insist on the whole household's night habits revolving around you. So get some earplugs or an eyemask, or look into meditative exercises, because it's actually just as unpleasant and uncomfortable and exhausting to have to lie rigid in the dark for hours when you're not sleepy at all, just so as not to wake your partner.

YANBU

Sometimes DH and I go to bed at the same time, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we don't even sleep in the same bed -he snores, fidgets, bed hogs and is generally a PITA to sleep with so I sometimes beat a retreat to the spare room.

I did have to have words about the performance he makes when getting into bed - lights on everywhere, flapping duvets, humping around to get comfortable, etc, as he'd wake me up every time he got into bed, so that could be an issue, DH is much more considerate now.

Apart from that, we're both adults, if DH wants to sit up on the Playstation until 3am, as long as he doesn't wake me up when he eventually comes to bed, and fully function in the morning, he can knock himself out. If I want to stay up late with a film, or go to bed early with a book, that's entirely my prerogative.

It's bizarre to me too. I wouldn't dream of telling DH when he should go to bed, or even having any opinion on it. Thinking about it, I don't even know when he goes to bed (if I'm already asleep, which I usually am, he'll sleep in the other room so he doesn't disturb me).

(we have sex quite allot so that's another incentive to go up together)

That ^^ made me laugh! We have sex quite a lot too but I can count on one hand the number of times we have gone to bed at the same time in the last 33 years

OP if your wife cant get to sleep if you aren't in bed then - frankly - thats her problem! She needs to get some sleep training!!!

However, if you are ignoring her in favour of your hobby then I guess its something you need to work out and find a compromise over. But, having said that, I would not be happy at anyone insisting that I went to bed just because they were going!

(I'm never really in the mood for sex at bedtime anyway, for me it's the worst possible time for it as it's when you're most tired .)

YANBU and people who insist on going to bed together are a bit strange IMO I go to bed when im tired usually before DH really this insisting is really weird

We generally go to bed at the same time but we go early about half nine/ten and DH watches tv or a film as we have sky in the bedroom and I tend to go to sleep. I can sleep through anything though so it doesn't bother me how loud the tv is. He works late one night a week so I'm asleep when he comes home.
I do sometimes go to bed by myself if he is watching sport or something and that's fine. I think your wife is being totally unreasonable.

What the other poster said, needy and controlling. I am guessing this isn't the only area where she behaves like this.

I don't think you have to go to bed at the same time. But it is nice some of the time, not for one of you to sit up playing games or watching a film. And it is very annoying when someone wakes you up by getting into bed.

For those of you who don't often go to bed together at the same time but have a lot of sex, when do you have sex? Only interested in the replies from those with children.

YANBU. You are not joined at the hip. You are two separate people with different needs/likes.

Although I would have sympathy if it affects your behaviour/attitude the next day. 1am seems very late to me, let alone later.

When DH finally comes to bed
In the mornings
At weekends when DS is having his nap
Occasional nights away / when GPs have him

Exactly illustrates why we don't have much sex then:

When DH finally comes to bed - he is tired, I am asleep
In the mornings We are both too tired and have morning breath
At weekends when DS is having his nap - DDs don't have naps
Occasional nights away / when GPs have him - YY, but very occasional!

I wish my DH would EVER go to bed at the same time as me. He always wants to stay up (I know it's the only time he can be by himself, and understand). I think going to bed together some of the time is the ideal.

Yanbu. My husband and I rarely got to bed at the same time as he has to be up at crack f dawn so goes t bed at about 9 but I am more of a night owl and that is way too early for me.

Sometimes we compromise but me gong up with him and using iPad in bed but if I want to watch some telly I just sat down and he goes up.

Non issue IMO