To not *always* want to go to bed at the same time

[lurkingman]

As my name suggests, I'm a man, but I don't know whether I, or DP, is being unreasonable in ALWAYS wanting us to go bed at the same time.
Sometimes, there's work I feel I need to do, or a hobby-passion I want to get sorted. Very occasionally, it's even just I'd like to watch TV or read.
But DP absolutely insists on going to bed together every night. Even then, I've tried offering to go to bed when she does, have a cuddle (and..) then get up when she's drifted off.
However, anything other than same bedtime results in seriously negative outcomes.
AIBU?

She IBU. I usually go to bed earlier than DH. He's a night owl and I'm a lark. I'm sure he would love me to stay up later but I just can't. I would never demand he comes to bed. Infact I'm quite the opposite. He would probably love it if I did!

I'm the early-nighter in this house - couldn't imagine making my DH come up at the same time as me, regardless of whether he wanted to, or wasn't tired.

Bizarre.

YANBU....out of interest, do you both do the same thing as each other in the evenings before bed?

Why do so many people put so much importance on going to bed at the same time? As well as sleeping in the same bed?

Dw and have virually never gone to bed at the same time. I like to be asleep early while DW likes to stay up later. I get up at 5.30am she gets up when she wakes. We have one DD (4). DW likes to watch tv or go on laptop in bed while I cant sleep without almost total darkness.

We sleep in different rooms and we find it works well for us.

We find other inventive ways of spending quality time together.

I don't always go to bed at the same time as DH as he gets up at 4am for work so likes to go to bed quite early.
Sometimes I read or mumsnet in bed or watch something on my iPad, sometimes I stay downstairs and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet, sometimes I take the dog out for a walk, sometimes I'm just tired and go to sleep.

I don't think DH is bothered that I dont want to go to sleep when he does and tbh I doubt he would ever dream of telling me what time I should go to bed, the same way I wouldn't tell him he must stay up until I am ready for bed.

I think you need to talk to her and explain you are actually not a child and do not need a bedtime.

I know this sounds a bit odd but can you suggest a compromise at first? So a couple of nights you will quite happy to go to bed at the same time as long as she understands that the other nights you are free to stay up until you are ready to sleep?

Is there a particular reason she wants you to go to bed at the same time every night?

Ha haaaaaaa !!!! Sniggering at hitting the nail in the head

My parents are the same. My mother reckons it's because my dad wakes her up when she's just nodded off and then she can't get back to sleep.

Does this sound likely, OP?

I don't care when my boyfriend comes to bed. It's often much later than myself as I have to get up to care for the baby very early, yet he doesn't finish work until after 12 most nights.

It used to bother me that I'd wake up and find the bed empty because he'd fallen asleep in front of the tv again. I felt like he didn't want to be with me. I've gotten used to it though and now I don't care.

I ask my partner to come to bed at the same time as me, but we live in a single (tiny) room and the light and noise would keep me up if he didn't. Feel a bit bad reading this thread
He's the same with me though, and if we had more than one room I wouldn't mind of course! (although I would fear waking up to find he hadn't even gone to bed )

Do you wake her up when you got to bed at 2-3? you may feel energised on little sleep but I just wouldn't be able to cope if it was me.

Dh and I go to bed at the same time however he is in I.T. and so I usually say I'm ready whenever you are and he then tells me when he is finished writing code.

This may sound very weird but it just means I have finished doing the important stuff like MN and I am now about to watch tat on TV so will happily go to bed at any stage.

We have a sort of regular bed time as Dh gyms before work so he knows what time to be winding it down and we have an early rising 6 year old, who is sat next to me right now

If Dh's coding goes on I just say I'll see you up there, I don't get huffy, I don't think he loves the laptop more than me etc. We have been married for 13 years.

Sometimes he has his laptop in bed but he prefers to not to have to do that.

So I think YANBU, going to bed at the same time is lovely if you both want to, not when one person is forced.

Have you asked her why she wants you to go to bed at the same time? I'm like her, mainly because I find it very dfficult to fall asleep anyway, it's impossible when I don't know when DH is coming to bed. When he's on call I get no sleep. Also having a routine is better for sleep, and I need more sleep than he does.

I have some sympathy with you lurkingman. My husband and I have very different sleep patterns. So we both just go to bed and wake up when we want to. Sometimes our sleep patterns coincide, but there's no way either of us would expect congruous bedtimes.

Having said that, I think he found that quite difficult when we first got together. For him, going to bed together was one of the things that identified us as a couple. But he's less rigid about it these days!

On the other hand, my brother is a computer programmer and it is also his hobby. He gets home from work at around 6 and then is back on the computer programming until 1 or 2am or so. He's quite often up again at 4 and gets a few hours in before work. But it is the sort of hobby that is all consuming and computers literally do eat time (as I'm sure anyone who has spent an hour or two too long on MN during the day can confirm!)

I know that my brother spends a lot longer than he thinks he does on his computer. In the daytime, he's often late to things or has to cancel at the last minute because he hasn't left himself enough time to get there because he just needs to get this last thing finished. He says the same as you, that once he's in 'the zone' he doesn't want to leave.

Neither my brother or I sleep 'well' and we both feel as you do, that a little sleep leaves you feeling more energetic the next day. Although computer use late at night does leave your brain over stimulated and less able to shut down too.

Sooo...

Is your wife controlling generally?
Does she feel that she doesn't see you?
Do you have young children and she craves adult (your!) company?
Is it simply that she misses you and feels really strongly that although you are there, you are not actually there?

I suppose the crux of it for me is, is she placing an unnecessary amount of importance on you going to bed together, or is she just desperate to spend more time with her husband?

Could it be the case that you spend more time on the computer than you think you do, but less on it than she thinks you do because you're both living under the cloud of "Is she going to nag me to get off the computer/Is he going to be on the computer all night again?" Which focuses both of your attention on the quantity of time you are together, rather than the quality.

We have been together 20 years and very rarely go to bed at the same time. I need my sleep, have to get up at 6.45am for work, or with ds3 if he is up earlier or wakes in the night. Dh needs very little sleep and works from home so can get up later if he wishes and would never dream of getting up in the night.

I just go when I am ready and dh follows when he is.

DH and I have only been together 5 years so maybe this will change but we usually go to bed together. I need my sleep and tbh he does too, he gets tired if he goes later than me. We also enjoy cuddles in bed! He goes to bed later on weekends.

I don't my husband and I have ever gone to bed at the same time in the 9 years we've been living together. The idea is a bit bizarre to me, TBH.

I think you need to actually talk to her about it, during the day, and explain you're just not tired!

YANBU

DH and I have just agreed he will come to bed at the same time as me once a week and this is a big improvment. He's a fecking gamer though :(

Could you agree x nights you will and x nights you wil stay up?

I'm an early-to-bed, wake-in-the-small-hours-to-read type, then up at 5.00.a.m. So no, we don't go to bed at the same time. We are fortunate to have two bedrooms which are equally good to sleep in. VERY important.

I have a gaming husband and I don't mind him staying up as long as he goes to sleep in the spare room and doesn't wake me. I'm a very light sleeper and find it difficult to drop off if I'm woken in the night. This arrangement seems to suit him fine too.

When we lived in a one bed it was a point of contention.

I dread to think what those sites (for men) would have to say about us demanding women... anyway IMO there shoudl be room for some compromise but if it was me I would be seriously unhappy if my DP came to bed at 2-3am regularly. I wake up instantly if he comes to bed when I am already asleep and cant sleep well if he is not in bed with me becuase I then know he will come and wake me up later so I cant relax.
If there is a good reason for it (ie work!) then it should be the exception and if you want to do your hobby cant you do it at the weekend? 2-3am is pretty inconsiderate if your OH has to work/look after kids and get enough sleep to do so!
if my DP goes out with his mates / work do then he sometimes comes back late but then we always discuss it and he will offer to sleep in my DD room and I have her in with me. It isnt a big deal every so often and that works better for us (neither of us are insecure about our relationship though... might that be an issue for your DP?)
HTH

BeeBaw mine starts shouting commands over his headset at around 2am, not realising how loud he is

Wow, 12-1am.. My usual bedtime is 10.30 ... I would not be good for anything if i went to bed at that time

We're all different and there's no right and wrong, but clearly a compromise need to be made.

Talk to her OP. There's been lots of suggestions made here about why she might feel like this. Find out which one it is.

FWIW me and DP go to bed at the same time each night. The time varies by about an hour depending on what either of us are doing. One will wait for the other. (we have sex quite allot so that's another incentive to go up together )

I hate lying in bed without him. He gets heart burn from a hiatus hernia which prevents him sleeping sometimes, and very occasionally he'll go downstairs in the early hours and get a snack/get tablets/watch tv till the pain passes. I lay there upstairs like a lemon trying to get back to sleep, but rarely can - then bang - once he gets back in with me i go out like a light

FWIW I don't think anyone has the right to say there has to be a "good reason" for their DP to go to bed whenever they choose.

You cannot possibly think its ok to tell a grown up person they have to do their hobby at the weekend because they cannot sleep alone.

Maybe if you can't fall asleep without your DP in bed with you it's because you have never done it on a regular basis IYSWIM.

It seems a bit unfair to say "well I can't sleep without you so you must come to bed when I am ready.

TantrumsAndBalloons - I wasnt saying ythe OP has to do his hobby at the weekend or that his wife has the right to say he can only stay up for a good reason! That would be controlling and ridiculous.

I was trying to make the point that that is what I personally would find reasonable and considerate and possible the OP and his wife disagree on what is "reasonable and considerate" and so was just giving my point of view.. which is what the OP was asking for, different points of view. So they need to come to some compromise that they can both live with. If she is overly needy then that is another issue.

Oh, we have this.

I like to stay up late, he goes to bed at 9:30/10:00 (!), and he feels a bit unloved if I don't go to bed at the same time.

I guess we do 50-50, sometimes I go to bed earlier than I really want, sometimes I just stay up as late as I like.

When he puts pressure on me about this, it makes me feel very irritated. As we have always had the sort of relationship whe we need eachother, but we also need a bit of space.

Give and take really. Anyway, you are not alone in this