To absolutely hate hate hate the school playground?

[peedoffbird]

I waited to pick my dd up from her primary school today. It suddenly struck me that the 5 minutes I waited there and the dynamics of the people around me pretty much represented the way I have always felt about my place in life and how others view me.

Little groupings here and there - little cliques that I am not and never could be part of. Largely walked past and ignored even when I go to say hello. I felt totally invisible.

Does anyone feel like this or is it just me and my paranoia??!!

[SparkyTGD]

I agree with others who say that cliques can be seen as just friends talking to each other. When I arrive at school gates, of course I'm going to try & find someone I know a bit to chat to, if I feel like chatting, and otherwise play sudoku on my mobile if there's no-one I know well enough to chat to there

But I also try to be friendly to new faces, parents of new child that my DS is talking to, that sort of thing. Or even to parent of toddler that is wandering my way.

Some people are not friendly and apart from the genuinely shy ones then you shouldn't bother with unfriendly types.

We have a mixed school gate, there are definite alpha mums from the young ugg wearing to the middle class very well-heeled. And a range from sloppy tracky bottom wearers to horsey types with big 4x4s. I'm kind of in the middle, I think.

[poopadoop]

i think mintyy is right - just because you have low self-esteem/are insecure doesn't mean everyone else you encounter has a duty to heal you, or is a bitch for having friendships with someone other than you!
Paranoia is often to do with a bit of an inflated ego - this comment:

i feel like everyone is talking about me behind my back - whispering in corners etc
just shows such self-centeredness! OP - I don't mean this unkindly but as you keep saying that your experience is probably down to your poor self-image, then if you have social insecurity problems, maybe you should see a counsellor. Many of these people that you think are cliquey or bitches probably have their own problems and are just whiling away their time with their friends in the playground having a chat - if you want to join in, then maybe learn some social skills!

[peedoffbird]

Poop if you look back through my posts you will see that I have never called anyone a bitch and don't think for a minute think any of them are. I have been totally upfront about my feelings being about me. I know that. I guess I was looking for a bit of support and trying to articulate it for myself. I don't have many people to talk to in rl.

Don't like the way this thread is going.

[Charliefarlie1192]

I hate it too, but I also hate having become friendly with a few mums coz I am a miserable cow sometimes and hate the 'oooooh hiiiiiii chick how's things' holler when I am in a grump

[mrsfuzzy]

peedoffbird i don't think anyone is having a go at you, please don't leave the thread, this is the thing when you lay your soul bare to people, everyone has a point of view to offer and sometimes they may miss the point of what you are trying to say, some people on this thread have been forth right, others are in the same boat as you and not very comfortable. you are okay, a bit shy maybe but when was that so terrible? everyone has their good and bad days even on the school run, people aren't necessarily being unkind but maybe caught up in their own thoughts, be kind to yourself and look out for another person on there own, ask them a question about school, a compliment, see if you can locate your child friends parents ask about a play date, invite for tea etc, good luck.

[Woozley]

I have always been fairly relaxed about it, and don't really care whether I become firm friends with people or not. Sometimes I stand and chat, sometimes I don't. I have lots of friends & acquaintances - some going back to my school days, some from WI, some from NCT, some from work - so I don't feel that the school playground necessarily HAS to be a source of friendships. Though I do go for coffee and drinks with other parents and to more organised things like the school quiz night.

What I do hate is when I am standing with a group of mums who have lots of petty gripes about the school/teachers/headteacher as I feel like defending it and end up feeling rather negative.

[elizaregina]

the other side peedoff is that whilst no one probably notices you - some times when people do see someone standing alone THEY may think YOU are standoffish - snobby and dont want to mix with them!

I think most people feel a bit akward at first, and everyone would prefer to be talking to someone than standing alone.

I have stood painfully alone feeling very awkard but when one of the few people i do know has a chat - i realise i am then oblivous to anyone else standing alone...its not pleasant but i would never ever take other people chatting to have anything to do with me at all, they simply know each other!

do as others said - look on it like waiting for a bus, get in and get out!

[peedoffbird]

MrsFuzzy that was a really nice post! Thank you. Prob bit too touchy at the moment! These feelings are not so much about the playground and more about how I feel about myself I think! I am confident in some circumstances but not in others and for some reason the playground brings out all my securities. Clearly my problem and noone elses! x

[peedoffbird]

Eliza I think the best thing is to get in and get out as you say!

[poopadoop]

sorry OP - I didn't mean to say you were calling people bitches, just some of the other posters did, esp those making snidey comments about people dressed for horse riding or whatever. I don't think the route to happiness and self-esteem is bitching about other people and their dress sense or lumping individuals together as 'them.'
Most people are fine if you get to know them a little, most people are a bit insecure.
I personally haven't made lots of friends through school and also felt a bit out of the loop, and still do but from inviting my dc's friends home to play I've had some nice conversations with dc's friend's parents and can now say 'hi, how's things?' at the school gate - all that is really needed to not feel 'left out'. You could always introduce yourself to other parents - 'hi I'm x's mum'. Just be brave! And if you feel really terrible about yourself, you know only you can make that better

[socharlotte]

OP- why not just go 5 minutes later and then your DC is already out.Pick up and go!

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

Peedoff - it's a funny old thing the school run isn't it? Always reminds me of being at school myself!

If anyone picking up at DS's school wants someone to talk to try coming and talking to me, though be warned I will talk about cake and try to make you join the PTFA :)

[Alitoomanykids]

I sympathise that you feel intimidated but confess also see it as perfectly normal to stand with your friends and chat at school pick up time. I don't see it as cliquey at all. I think your post says more about how you feel about yourself than how others view you. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go over and chat to someone first? Maybe you give off 'unapproachable' signals? Is there anyone else you can walk to school with and chat to at pick up time?

[Karoleann]

I think you're being a bit sensitive - just go up and join a group and have a chat. I enjoy picking up and dropping off - all nice mums and dads at our school.

[pourmeanotherglass]

I only drop them off / pick them up twice a week, and never go in through the gates when I drop them, so not there enough to be in a clique. I sometimes chat to the mums of my girls friends, or sometimes stand on my own.
There is only one mum I find difficult, she always seems to have a lot to say to everyone except me, and seems to ignore me, even if she comes over to talk to someone I'm standing with. I've never found out what I did to upset her.

[pourmeanotherglass]

I guess it can depend on your expectations - I haven't made any best friends at the school gate, but I have a handful of mums I occasionally chat to. As the DCs have got older, I've got to know the mums of their friends, from having the DCs over to play. Like you, I'm not a natural 'mixer' and feel much closer to my work colleagues (who I spend more time with) than I do with the school mums.

[forehead]

I really couldn't give a hoot about the school mums. I have the phone numbers of a 'few of them because their dcs are friends with mine. If i am invited out for birthdays etc, i may or may not attend. If i can't attend, i will buy them a nice gift. I am always friendly and polite, but i really don't care whether they like me or not.

[saulaboutme]

I puposely don't get there to pick up DS until the bell actually goes or a couple of minutes after as they are usually late coming out, 5 mins. This is due to a lechy dad and the cliquey mums who get on my nerves.

[Dancergirl]

I don't understand why anyone with a KS2 child (especially Yrs 5 and 6) are still waiting in the playground to start off with. Wait in the car or down the road a bit if you drive. Eases congestion round the school too.

[Bonsoir]

Dancergirl - that depends on the environment you live in. In some places it just isn't safe to let your child leave school on its own.

[WillowinGloves]

I suspect it makes a difference if you are in a village school, where social life does very much revolve around meeting people via school/nursery, and towns/cities where life is more spread out. Trust me, in my village, it really is a big part of socialising, and adults' lives and children's lives do feed off each other. Stands to reason: you'll be more likely to invite child A to your house if you like their mum and are keen to share a coffee/glass of wine when they pick up. You're more likely to make friends with Mum A if your kids get on and you can all share an outing. I had trouble because my DS made friends with girls - fine in school but he never ever got an invite to a birthday party! No, once he did - and the mum was very cautious and asked if it was OK because he'd be the only boy ...!

[TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic]

Willow my 7 year old girl is very good friends with one boy, and has been since they were 2 and 3 (he lives down the road) but now the friendship is entirely driven by them - they phone each other , its sweet :) Anyway both of them invite a token other matched gender child to their parties and have done ever since they started being the ones to decide who to invite at age 4 or so - the other boy/ girl invited changes, but there are always 2 girls at his party, one of whom is DD, and 2 boys at her parties, one of whom is him (except her 6th party when she went to a very girly cartoon film with just girls at the cinema and insisted she had to have a whole separate tea party the following day, just for him!)

I don't know about the playground thing as where we live the kids walk (on their own or with other kids) or take the bus right from day 2... It doesn't stop them having plentiful friends around after school - live in a village but don't speak the language well enough to have really good close genuine friendships, but my kids do (speak the language and have tons of good friends, who spend large amounts of time at our house) so disagree mum has to fit in for child to... Though I am a total outsider and have always found people friendly enough...

[sensesworkingovertime]

Peedoffbird - I will join your clique and we can be paranoid and hate the playground together! Truthfully, I can be a bit paranoid but I know I have reason to hate it too - it's basically a microcosm of scowling/ignorant mums or ones who are always banging on about how wonderful their kids are. I should say there are exceptions, grannys seem to be nicer and if you find one kindred spirit it is just about bearable.

It's taken me 9 years to realise not to try and be liked in there, just go in, stand there, and think 'whatever'.