To absolutely hate hate hate the school playground?

[peedoffbird]

I waited to pick my dd up from her primary school today. It suddenly struck me that the 5 minutes I waited there and the dynamics of the people around me pretty much represented the way I have always felt about my place in life and how others view me.

Little groupings here and there - little cliques that I am not and never could be part of. Largely walked past and ignored even when I go to say hello. I felt totally invisible.

Does anyone feel like this or is it just me and my paranoia??!!

[Nuttyfilly]

Yes this is my sons playground! I hate going to pick him up! It's awful! I dread every school run and now I'm always a bit late so I don't have to go threw with standing there like a lemon

[WorraLiberty]

I don't know why so many people stress about dropping their kids off and picking them up again.

That's all you're doing.

It's a bit like waiting for a bus...you can make it as complicated or easy as you like.

Worrying about who other people choose to speak to and seeing them as 'cliques' is a bit bonkers imo.

[mudipig]

But it's not like waiting for a bus. With a bus you can change the stop you take, get an earlier or later time. With school playgrounds it's the same times, twice a day with the same people for many years. You have no choice. And you also worry about how your dc will be accepted if you are not.

It causes some people a huge amount of distress - simply because some adults do not have the capacity to be kind.

Easy to say if you're in the clique. Isolating if you're left on the outside.

[WorraLiberty]

But that's my point.

No-one would dream of changing the bus or the stop just because the people standing at it every morning don't talk to them.

And kids make their own friends, regardless of who their parents chat with/don't chat with.

I think a lot of people bring the distress on themselves instead of just dropping/picking their kids up and getting on with their day.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

It really is the same as any other social situation in life. There is no difference between playground politics and office politics. Some people are nice and you will hit it off immediately and be friends for years. Some people are not nice and you will never have anything in common. It can't be helped. At least you only see them for a few minutes each day and aren't stuck in an office with them all day every day.

[butterfingerz]

Granted my DD has only started reception but I don't really get this idea that if you're not a social butterfly in the playground then your DC won't be 'accepted'.

When I was at primary, my mum was in no way responsible for my choice of friends. I had a couple of close friends who I stuck with right through from primary to secondary and my mum hardly spoke to their mums at all in all those years unless there was a need to. Any after school contact was arranged between ourselves once we were old enough. If anything, my mum was good friends with the mothers of boys, usually the ones I didn't like!

Are things different now? I'd hate to have the responsibility of managing my daughters social life and besides I think she'd do a much better job of it herself.

[LauraPashley]

The difference to me is that the bus you get won't affect your dcs' friendships for possibly the next 7 or so years! I feel a bit guilty for not making more of an effort to talk (at all!) as I think dd might get left out if i am not on the radar for parties, play dates etc.

[toptramp]

Ultimately though your kids will pick their mates regardless of cliques etc.

[toptramp]

Hanging out with the popular mums isn't going to mean that your kid will be popular. It's an opportunity to gossip imo.

[WorraLiberty]

No I'm sorry but IME it really only ever affects your kid's friendships if you fall out with other parents.

If you're not particularly chatty with them, it's not going to make any difference to the kids.

I've been a Primary School parent for over 17yrs due to the age gaps in my kids (youngest is nearly 10) and it's made bugger all difference in my experience.

My Mum never micro managed my friendships by trying to befriend certain people and I haven't done it with my 3 DCs either.

Anyway, what about working parents who can't do the school run?

Surely their kids aren't friendless?

[BrittaPerry]

Dd is leaving her school on Friday. The mums are all perfectly lovely, but average at least ten years older than me, go to church together and have lovely casual boots and jeans with warm jumpers and nice hair. I just stand there feeling like a tit in my doc martens and purple hair.

[Chubfuddler]

I actually give about as much thought to the process of picking DS up from school as I do collecting the dry cleaning. I don't understand why this ten minutes at either end of the school day looms so large in some women's minds.

[SoleSource]

I guess of a parent dpesn't feel OK within themselves about how others perceive them it will effect them badly. Worrying/wondering/analysing every smile, hello, she/he said hello to me yesterday not today what have I done wrong etc goes through their mibds. Stressful and sometimes caused via abuse in their childhood.

[WorraLiberty]

Exactly Sole. I think most of it comes from within the person rather than having anything to do with the other Mothers...yet the other Mothers will often get the blame for being 'too immaculate' or 'driving nice cars'/being an 'alpha mum' etc....

[Loveweekends10]

I do understand the anxiety of the playground and mums thing but I have to say that in my younger dd s class I have made quite a few friends and I now even go off camping with one mum. It's not that I'm a SAHM I work full time and I do have lots of other friends so its not that I'm sad! I have just been more relaxed with my second dd and more friendly. I try and chat to anyone I see sat on their own outside the class.

[MrRected]

I had/ve self esteem issues and have always dreaded the school gate type scenario. I have always hated what I perceived to be cliquey mothers who exclude people they don't know.

The reality is, is that they aren't excluding you. They are making the effort with people they know. There is nothing nasty involved, rather, what's easiest.

I put my fears to one side this year and stuck my hand up as class rep. I have organised a BBQ and for my DD's birthday invited the whole class. It was a great way to get to know other mums and get over my fear of social situations where I may perceive myself as being ostracised.

I now realise, that the vast majority of these mums are perfectly lovely. They are just typical human beings and stick with what they know.

[Spinkle]

I'm genuinely happy to stand on my own. I get to people watch the others.

I'm not intimidated by the little groups of mummies but can easily see why someone could be. My son has autism and I don't really think I've got a lot if things in common with 'em. I'm sure if I'd made more of am effort he would have been invited to more parties though.

[wordfactory]

Oh I always liked the school gate and quite miss it now my DC are in secondary.

I liked the chat and laughing. I liked hearing what others were up to. I'm sociable, me.

[BrittaPerry]

Dd has never been invited to a birthday party that isn't full class, and has never been invited to someone elses house. Luckily she doesn't seem to have noticed, but she will do soon. I do hope thats not my fault :-/

We're taking her out anyway, so she can make friends in smaller groups.

[BrittaPerry]

I hated the school playground when I was at school too.

[mrsfuzzy]

i didn't like the playground bit but fell in step with a couple of mums, in turn introduced me into their group all went well until two of them fell out and it was battle lines drawn, "i'm on f's side," "why? she's in the wrong."got fed up and let them get on with bitching it out. found it easier to read the paper instead if other found me aloof that was their problem, i had friends outside school, plus there was also so much one up manship, could get nasty.

[dysfunctionalme]

I keep seeing threads like this and I never understand them. Surely if you feel good about yourself you wouldn't give a moment's thought to how small clusters of strangers might be perceiving you?

Try to be realistic and accept that they too are just picking up their children. That after some years of doing this, they have gotten to know other parents and sometimes stop to chat. It really isn't a conspiracy.

[Mintyy]

Threads like this irritate me, tbh. Instead of owning the problem, and admitting that they are shy and possibly a wee bit irrational or socially awkward, posters who are intimidated by other parents in the playground will insist that other people are being bitches. Well I do the school run most days and I am not a bitch. Some days I don't talk to anyone, some days I talk to someone I have never met before, some days I talk to friends, some days I talk to people I really don't like very much. I am not a bitch or unkind though.

[mrsfuzzy]

you are probably right about some people being shy mintyy, but some women are bitchy to each other and doing the one up on you bit, i've over heard conversations with "oh god what is she wearing? her backside looks huge!' peels of laughter, and "we're off goa, oh you not going away ? sorry," stupid giggle "your husband lost his job didn't he?". the majority of mums are probably very nice like youself but you get the odd few who really fancy themselves.