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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still be cross 1 month later

66 replies

eachpeach11 · 22/10/2012 11:31

So I gave birth by csection to a lovely dd. (no3)
On the day I was discharged dh went shopping to get presents to give older dc from new dd. Spent £100 on children and £150 on himself. I didn't even get a bar of chocholate.
When I joked about this when I got out of hospital dh claimed he didn't know what to get me. (You would think he would know by now)
So I made the decision to buy myself a small treat but as yet haven't done this. When I recently mentioned this I was told that "the baby was my present"
AIBU to be cross.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/10/2012 12:15

Something is not a present if you have to push it out of your own fanjo. A blessing, yes. A present, no.

Original poster

eachpeach11 · 22/10/2012 12:19

In my case she was surgically removed from tummy but very true wannabe.
Yes, she is a huge blessing though especially after all the losses I have experienced in the last few years. (brother and mum)

OP posts:

fraserboysmum · 22/10/2012 12:28

My DH and I bought our other DC presents from the new baby when he was born but bought nothing for ourselves, which was nice i thought ... however had DH gone and then bought himself a present to himself, from himself because i'd spent 12 hours pushing out our youngest you can guarantee he'd know i was.not.impressed ! YANBU to be upset, but don't waste a moment more fuming and buy yourself something lovely ~ or better still you stay in and hug that gorgeous new baby and send him out to get it for you xx

digerd · 22/10/2012 12:29

That's men for you, bless him or curse him - many really don't have a clue.

digerd · 22/10/2012 12:32

Your husband does think of and love you, I,m sure, but just hasn't got the right skills to show it .

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2012 13:08

In what possible way has the OP's husband shown he thinks of her and loves her, digerd?

He thinks of himself; he bought himself a present.

He thinks of the children; he bought them a (less expensive) present.

In what way has he thought of the OP?

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2012 13:09

Wannabedomesticgoddess, you deserve a medal for:

"Something is not a present if you have to push it out of your own fanjo."

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/10/2012 13:21

Alligatorpie · 22/10/2012 13:21

I am guilty of telling dh "I gave you a baby" when I didn't get him a present for his birthday. To be fair, he was working overseas, I was staying at my in laws with dd1, and dd2 was born a week after his bday. Dd1 made him a card and i told him to buy himself something, now that i think about it, I don't think he did.

I don't think I got anything for dd1, but dh did send a bottle of nice wine and beautiful flowers when I had dd2.

YANBU I think your dh was being selfish. I would be upset too.

KellyElly · 22/10/2012 13:22

That's different. That's a present for Christmas when everyone is given a gift. It's expected. When is getting a gift when a baby is born expected? Certainly not in our house. I think after giving birth you deserve a bunch of flowers and a card from your other half at the very least. You only have to cook a dinner at Xmas, pushing a baby out takes a lot more effort

BonaDea · 22/10/2012 13:23

YANBU.

I am only 16+5 and I am already cross because I KNOW DH will be crap at this. I know that sounds silly, but he is just rubbish at this sort of thing and won't think to get anything even if I drop elephant sized hints (even less likely if I tell him to do it or get a friend to do it!).

BUT. He is generally a lovely, selfless, generous person. I love him to bits and he's the father of my child. I wouldn't swap him for anything.

Doesn't mean I can't bitch about it from time to time, though, right?

Fakebook · 22/10/2012 13:23

No actually, my logic isn't baffling. These are two completely different situations! On Christmas Day, it is tradition to give and receive gifts. This is about the op sulking because her dh didn't get her a gift when her baby was born, but got something for himself and the children. There's no need to sulk. She could have bought something for herself aswell.

The op sounds like high maintenance to me. Poor man.

diddl · 22/10/2012 13:26

I didn´t get a present-didn´t expect one.

But I would have been annoyed if husband had bought himself something.

For what-having sex nine months ago??!!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/10/2012 13:33

So she has major surgery after 9 months of carrying a baby and its ok that shes the only one who didnt get a present? Really?

And your comparision to christmas is bonkers.

digerd · 22/10/2012 13:35

Men don 't think as we do , you must have realised that. They are on another planet most of the time!! And don't get it why women are upset over many things. It is obvious, as he really thought he and the other children deserved the present but never occurred to him that his wife was the most deserving. He mistakenly really believed that the baby was his wife,s present.

OP have you explained to him,( with a few tears in your eyes), how upset you were?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/10/2012 13:36

Think you are selling all men a bit short there.

Fakebook · 22/10/2012 13:40

I didn't go around stalking and bringing the Christmas comparison into this discussion did I? It's quite bad form to bring up what someone has said in other threads.

Her husband didn't get a present either. He bought it for himself. Did he ask her/mention it to op before buying? No, he didn't. There was no need for to mention it to him either. Being angry about something as trivial as this is just childish. Instead of joking about it with her dh, why not be straightforward with him and tell him she's hurt? He's obviously not a mind reader, and talking to him cryptically won't get her any gifts.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2012 13:43

Why didn't he think the baby was his present too, then, digerd?

I don't know whether this is a more recent thing to do, but when I had my children it didn't occur to either of us that we should buy each other presents or cards. However, if he'd bought himself something and not me, then I would have thought him incredibly selfish.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/10/2012 13:43

I didnt stalk or bring up xmas.

You made a comparison. Its been quoted further up this page.

And as you pointed out £150 isnt trivial.

DuelingFanjo · 22/10/2012 13:43

what did he spend the £150 on, was it just stuff or a present to congratulate himself on becoming a dad?

I think you need to let this go. You're not pissed off about him spending money on himself; you are upset you didn't get a 'push present'.
Go and spend some money on yourself now, if that's what you want because your DH clearly doesn't 'do' push-presents.

digerd · 22/10/2012 14:15

ImperialBlether

I am not a mind-reader, but I reckon the whole c-section and its after effects traumatised HIM so much with worry that he congratulated himself and the children at getting through it.

digerd · 22/10/2012 14:17

Fakebook

All your posts sound just like my brother talking.

BeingBooyhoo · 22/10/2012 14:22

i get why he got the dcs presents from the baby. (i did that too) and i could understand that he didn't get you something if he hadn't got himself something. but what i dont get is why he felt he needed a present? what did he get himself and why did he think he needed something? for being supportive of you in labour or, taking care of everything at home whilst you were in hospital? what was his reasoning and why did he think what you did was less worthy of a gift than what he did?

Original poster

eachpeach11 · 22/10/2012 14:24

He explained it to dc that new dd had brought presents.
It was a "boys toys " type present.
Its true I could go and buy myself a present. However, it really seems mean that dh went out whilst i was still recovering from a csection in hospital and felt it ok to spend £150 justifying it by saying from dd and not getting dd to get me a present.
Plus his later response seems to be that it wasn't necessary for me to get anything. After all I said i was going shopping to get a treat and the response i get is "well you have the baby" its not really about a push present. Its about dh considering dc and himself but forgetting about the one recovering in hospital.
Incidently he didn't discuss it with me because when we discussed gifts I suggest token gifts for dc not £100 and certainly not £150 for him.
Even worse he is now wondering why credit card bill is so big this month

OP posts:

Original poster

eachpeach11 · 22/10/2012 14:26

It was a planned section. Our most relaxed birth so far.

OP posts:

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