To think my Cousin is too strict, and feel she is over disciplining DS?

[owlelf]

DSis just 6. He is bright, funny, affectionate and great fun. DH and I feel he is pretty well behaved- he is rarely naughty, no tantrums or strops. School are happy with him, his teacher finds him to be well behaved and praised him for his enthusiasm for learning and in general.

DS and I have just been away with my cousin. She has a DD, aged 10 who is incredibly well bahaved, she is a really lovely girl. Her personality is different to DS' though, she is quite timid, and quite easily upset. I thought this was her natural personality, but having witnessed my cousins parenting style I am not so sure.

In an nutshell she is much much stricter than I feel is necessary. She feels I am too lenient and this has shaken my conviction in my own parenting.

She seems to be constantly telling her (and my) DC off for something, often things that I wouldn't feel needed saying. For example, DS was constantly pulled up on his table manners (DS is a brilliant eater but has to be reminded about elbows and eating with his mouth shut), told off for running in the woods in case he fell (I felt he was just having fun, and don't mind him falling unless there is something dangerous to fall into), told off for asking for another biscuit, told off for wanting to jump from a very high platform at the park, the list goes on.

I felt my cousin was stamping the 'life' out of my lively DS, she felt she was doing me a favour because he is naughty. He never once actually disobeyed her or me, but was constantly bring told off until I wanted to scream.

When I spoke out I was accused of not bring able to see that he is a little monkey.

I do admit that DS' second cousin is better behaved than him. But she seems to me to live in fear of being told off. For example, she was afraid of admitting to feeling car sick so she eventually threw up without warning and she cried buckets when she accidentally pushed DS over (he was fine about it).

Sorry for the epic post. Part of me feels worried that I gave a blinkered view of how strict I should be- but part of me thinks my cousin is overdoing the discipline and that an impeccably behaved child isn't necessarily a sign of well balanced parenting.

AIBU?

unusual I've choked on my tea at the thought if DS revealing that I've called her silly. She would explode!!

Thanks, all for making me feel it's ok to parent my way. Now where is that assertiveness handbook .

Sounds like she caught you on the hop with her own rudeness (I find it very rude to undermine a parent and continue to intrusively parent them when their own parent is present). Get a strategy for next time.

Owlef, if you're worried about how your DS may feel, you could always talk to him about it.

Say you didn't want to upset your cousin or her DD, and he was a good boy for doing what another adult asked him to, and that you are very proud of how brave he is and how he doesn't mind getting dirty etc,etc.

My DS is 7 and my Mum seems to struggle with some of his more 'boyish' behaviours at times. I've talked to him about it, and said sometimes we behave in a different way depending on who we're with. Same with table manners, mine have lovely manners when we eat at other people's houses or out, but are a little more enthusiastic with food at home, because I think enjoying the food and social time is more important that where their elbows are.

Owlelf - I was brought up in the 70's and have a lot of 'those' values/methods/standards . Children mostly get 'told' not 'asked' and the grown ups set the pace/rules, I am often at 'modern' parenting and even by my standards there is nothing 'wrong' with what you do!!

Your cousin is a control freak who is actully acting in a way that's damaging her daughter :(

You feel crap about it - don't. This short time with her wont have done your son any harm - talk to him about his Aunt who has 'different opinions' and let him know he didn't do anything wrong at all.

Next time though - just ride over the top of her, do as someone else said earlier and say things like 'No, it's OK DS - it's fine to run in the woods :)' if she's 'correcting him' when you are there and if she 'tells him off' like when she said about the biscuits simply say 'It is not rude to ask for another biscuit - what a peculiar thing to think' and totally over ride her. SHE has NO problem at all undermining you in front of the kids and upsetting your DS, stand up for yourself and him YOU are his parent, not her.

Thanks Chipping, I feel much more secure in my own 'strictness levels' after starting this thread.

I think following our week away I was worried that I might have fallen into the trap of being blind to my own DC's naughtiness. I now don't think this is the case.

I'm going to stick to my principals next time we are together.

The exs mum was like this and it used to drive me mental til I lost it and told her she had no right telling me about parenting when her kids had turned out like they are.

I don't mind people telling my son off for reasonable things but when I allow him to do something and someone in the public decides to tell him off that's when it annoys me.

owlelf - I'm glad you are feeling more confident in your approach. It's always nice to know it's the other person being unreasonable

She sounds a bit mad, spend less time with her and if she starts off at your son again tell her to mind her own fuckin business..

In my experience well behaved repressed little girls don't stay that way as teens so look out for the worm turning and biting her on the arse

I get this sometimes when with certain people, mil usually:) dc run and jump in puddles in the rain in the park with wellies etc on. Mil leaps in with no! You will get muddy and wet, catch cold etc. dc's heisitate, glance at me, I nod and smile, and say nicely' oh , they are dressed for it and it's fun when you are little' much huffing and puffing follows but she is learning:)

Re biscuitgate, agree would have stepped in with a gentle, in our family, we think it's ok to ask for another, if you are hungry. Ds, i have raisins in my bag, would you prefer that, ask cousin if their mummy doesn't mind?

Agree would discuss after and say something like ' ooh, she is strict with biscuits' plus have a strategy next time for sure. Your niece sounds like she enjoys your company.

I wonder if she's aware how she sounds? I'm quite strict over manners and such, but I try to encourage the behaviour I want through reward rather than criticising behaviour I don't want. In fact, i try to engineer situations so that the unwanted behaviour doesn't appear in the first place. The danger of constantly following up after the fact is that a child feels like he can't do right for doing wrong, and either ends up a nervous wreck or rebels completely.

YANBU for objecting OP, but people's parenting styles are different. DP's mum was very strict, whereas my parents were liberal Guardian reading types who told me that it was fine to smoke pot in the house.

I don't think either extreme is good, but it makes for some interesting arguments in our house.

I'd be worried about the daughter, if she was so afraid of saying she felt ill. If that's how she's like all the time, perhaps this is the time to turn the tables and tell the cousin you have doubts about her parenting.

I think your son sounds normal, and your parenting approach sounds fine.

Your cousin's daughter sounds worrying, not daring to say she felt sick - huge red flag. My kids always tell me, not that we can always do anything about it.. but at least we can try.

If she told my youngest off for trying to climb, I would tell her off as I have a nervous child who needs lots of encouragement to try.

Your cousin sounds just like my SIL. One day out I spent with her, DS and DNephew and DNeice and she pulled them up on everything. It was really depressing as they now expect to be told of for everything so live up to it.

E.g. Dnephew (8) was pushing DS in the buggy and I kept and eye on him, obviously, but praised him for pushing well, doing a good job etc. All SIL could say was 'don't go too fast' (he wasn't), mind the kerb (he was nowhere near it) and then shouting SLOW DOWN at the top of her voice if she thought he hadn't listened to her.

It's like she parents by the negative whereas I parent with the positive IYSWIM.
It makes for a really unhappy household :(

One biscuit is never enough

I went for a walk along the beach yesterday with a friend her DS and mine. They played in the adventure playground and 'paddled' in the sea whilst we drank coffee from the kiosk!

They only went ankle deep but the splashes got their trousers wet and friends DS got water in his wellies. I just helped him empty it. They then had an ice cream from a cafe a bit further along.

I was actually quite surprised by the obvious split in parenting. I would say half of the parents we saw were telling their DC's not to go in water - will get wet well der! and/or cold etc and no ice cream as too cold. The other half were just letting their DC's get in with being children like we were.

I actually think that the only way a child can learn that if they get wet they'll get cold is to experience it - I dislike getting cold so don't go in sea in winter but my DS doesn't mind so does. And he knows he doesn't mind because I've let him figure that out for himself.