To think my Cousin is too strict, and feel she is over disciplining DS?

[owlelf]

DSis just 6. He is bright, funny, affectionate and great fun. DH and I feel he is pretty well behaved- he is rarely naughty, no tantrums or strops. School are happy with him, his teacher finds him to be well behaved and praised him for his enthusiasm for learning and in general.

DS and I have just been away with my cousin. She has a DD, aged 10 who is incredibly well bahaved, she is a really lovely girl. Her personality is different to DS' though, she is quite timid, and quite easily upset. I thought this was her natural personality, but having witnessed my cousins parenting style I am not so sure.

In an nutshell she is much much stricter than I feel is necessary. She feels I am too lenient and this has shaken my conviction in my own parenting.

She seems to be constantly telling her (and my) DC off for something, often things that I wouldn't feel needed saying. For example, DS was constantly pulled up on his table manners (DS is a brilliant eater but has to be reminded about elbows and eating with his mouth shut), told off for running in the woods in case he fell (I felt he was just having fun, and don't mind him falling unless there is something dangerous to fall into), told off for asking for another biscuit, told off for wanting to jump from a very high platform at the park, the list goes on.

I felt my cousin was stamping the 'life' out of my lively DS, she felt she was doing me a favour because he is naughty. He never once actually disobeyed her or me, but was constantly bring told off until I wanted to scream.

When I spoke out I was accused of not bring able to see that he is a little monkey.

I do admit that DS' second cousin is better behaved than him. But she seems to me to live in fear of being told off. For example, she was afraid of admitting to feeling car sick so she eventually threw up without warning and she cried buckets when she accidentally pushed DS over (he was fine about it).

Sorry for the epic post. Part of me feels worried that I gave a blinkered view of how strict I should be- but part of me thinks my cousin is overdoing the discipline and that an impeccably behaved child isn't necessarily a sign of well balanced parenting.

AIBU?

Did lol at your OP. Are you me and did you go away with my sister?!

Seriously though YANBU. Eating with mouth shut is something you should be teaching IMO but the rest is just kids stuff. They learn by running and climbing what their own limitations are. I also think asking for another biscuit is fine if they were just given 1 and they ask politely.

In the summer my DS climbed a tree. My Dsis kept telling (1inch from floor!) to be careful. He then got stuck. She was all "told you it's dangerous" whereas I talked him down and he went up and down it happily got a whole hour after!

I find the best solution to these things is to just tell DS he's fine. So to "DS don't run you may fall over" just say to DS "it's fine to run as we're in the woods, just be aware if what's in front if you". Etc

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I am going to make more of a point of trying to improve DS' table manners, I think maybe my expectations of a normal 6yo's table manners were a little low.

I think that other than this I will continue as I have been, I just hope I don't live to regret my more liberal approach.

I love the tree climbing story- that is exactly what she would say whereas I'm happy for DS to be adventurous and take a few risks.

The DS is 6. The table manners of 6 yo are not known for perfection. Unless he was throwing food saround or being rude about it, I wouldn't be commenting on another person's dc's manners. As for asking for another biscuit, you wouldn't call an adult rude for doing it, you'd smile sweetly and say of COURSE, have another biscuit.

And I personnaly hate the way so many parents are constantly telling children not to run or jump or climb, "because they might fall", so what? Let 'em be kids and be ready with a plaster if neccessary.

Bottom line he's your ds, and you mind him as you dam well please. Your cousin sounds like an arrogant wagon!

I am wondering why this has only dawned on you now though? Had you never spent time together with your dc before?

I actively encourage my kids to run climb etc. I really hate our overly cautious culture. I have been in a number of situations where my kids have, say, climbed a tree, and another parent has been calling out to their dc, get down, you mustn't climb, it is dangerous etc. I am safety aware and don't let them do anything actually dangerous, but I find this type over helicopter parenting sad.

I honestly cannot understand what her problem was with the biscuit. he asked, you said no.

Ellee, we've never spent an extended period of time away together before. Plus usually DH is about when we are together, I don't think she feels as comfortable taking the 'model' parent approach when he is there.

I found myself in a very tricky situation, as I didn't want to undermine her in front of DS and her DD. I'm not proud of myself for being so passive towards her but was rather bemused and a bit shaken by her parenting style.

I couldn't wait to get DS home and let him
loose in our local woods.

Thank you Steppe, I like your thinking. My cousin told the kids off for not being careful enough (raised voice, the works) every time they slipped or stumbled slightly. She even said her DD couldn't go paddling because she was so clumsy and silly that she might fall in.

Meanwhile DS waded in upto his thighs, which she thought was ridiculous. I was happy to see him running about on the sea, I joined in too. There was much tutting, she made me wonder if I'm indulgent and reckless.

YANBU. In your position, I think I would only see the cousin for brief visits in future rather than going away with her.

futthesuckup and I would have no qualms about telling you to piss off if you judged that my child's behaviour was bad and decided to step in. Different parents have different ways of disciplining their kids. Who do you think you are to step in and try and enforce YOUR standards with other people's children?

Oh and OP I simply wouldn't allow this to happen. It's interesting that she doesn't play Perfect Parent when your dh is around. Sounds like bullying to me.

What a cow. Your poor confused Ds and her poor dd long term!!

Please stand up to her and parent your child as you see fit!! Show ds that you are there for him, not against him or he will be very confused. Who died and made her queen of parenting? If someone spoke to my 6 year old like that about a feckin biscuit, they would get short shrift I can tell you!

i work on the basis that kids are supposed to get wet, muddy and dirty if they are having a good time. If I went to the beach I would assume they would get wet and have towel/spare clothes in the car.

Wehn we are at home, we do paint/playdough etc and I assume they will get mucky. I provide aprons, or change clothes. They are children, that is how they explore the world.

For What it is worth, my dcs are as a result safe and capable when out and about. They actually don't get as muddy/wet as others, because they know how to walk through a muddy puddle and don't fall over as they are used to walking on uneven ground. Same with indoors, they can have a messy creative time, without trashing the joint, because they know how to use paint/glue properly.

You get what you put in, if you value independence and self reliance and adventure, then your kids will learn that. if you value rigid conformity and cleanliness, then that is what you teach them.

but of course adventurous kids are quite capable of being charming and polite too

Don't underestimate too, the difference between parenting a girl and a boy. I know that not every child fits the stereotype, and I don't want to kick off a debate, but many mums of boys will tell you tales about how a mum of girls has tut tutted at their ds and their physicallity or energy at some point. They don't get it , because they have a girl.

I tend to only "tell off" other people's children of they are causing a danger to themselves or others, or are otherwise behaving in a way which would be considered extreme. Anything beyond that is the parent's choice (assuming they are they, obvs). I'd be well pissed off with anyone telling my dc off for the non-crimes your DS committed this weekend.

steppe I definitely don't place much importance on rigid conformance, I had a convent education and have witnessed the effects if this type of approach.

I do accept your point about the difference between some boys and some girls. I agree that stereotyping in dangerous, but I felt that my cousin was disapproving of some of the things that are typically boyish about DS. Getting dirty, wet, excited, pushing physical abilities, over enthusiasm were all criticised.

I'm thinking now, that I've let DS down a bit and probably confused him by not overriding her, which makes me feel very sad.

Would you though unusual? With both kids in the car and listening I felt I was in a really tricky situation. I maybe I'm just a push over?

owlelf - I kind of assumed it was your cousin who might place importance on the conformity and cleanliness!

Don't stress about the effect on your ds. You can chat to him and ask him what he thought. use it as a moment to say not all parents are the same. What does he like and not like about the weekend? You can tell him how much you enjoy his enthusiasm for that stuff, and plan a time when you can go out and get muddy.

akaemmafrost Sun 21-Oct-12 22:28:08

futthesuckup and I would have no qualms about telling you to piss off if you judged that my child's behaviour was bad and decided to step in. Different parents have different ways of disciplining their kids. Who do you think you are to step in and try and enforce YOUR standards with other people's children?

Yes because that would convince everyone you were a wonderful example wouldnt it

Actually I guess I should've waited until we were alone and tackled the issue with her. But I didn't, because I'm rubbish at conflict, and now I'm still annoyed about it. Only myself to blame then .

Good plan Steppe, and apologies for my misunderstanding regarding conformity.

It is a very fine line in these situations between being a push-over and being polite. And it is Ok for your ds to see you being polite, and for him to see you standing up for your values. Only you can tell where that line is/was in any context (each of us would probably draw it differently) I might well have said nicely (maybe to ds, rather than to her, but with her listening) 'It is fine to ask nicely. No problem, and when I told you no, you accepted that without fuss, and that is fine too.' If she continued, then I might have said, 'well maybe you do it differently in your house, that's your perogative of course - now...'and changed subject.

But then again, I might have smiled and said nothing, and said to ds afterwards Gosh she's a bit strict over biscuits!! and letf it at that

Why am I needing to convince anyone of anything? not sure where you're going with that.......

Look after your own dc and don't have the arrogance to assume your standards for child behaviour are the only ones. My child has ASD but looks perfectly NT, what right would you have to "step in" to deal with him when he is being challenging and you might deem I am not disciplining him correctly.

Quite frankly I think you'd be lucky to only get told to piss off if you go around doing this. A previous poster expressed that you might be driven to punch someone on the nose in this situation.

YANBU

I do think you should of stuck up for your son & told her where to go.

they not you