... to think you don't patronise people in poorer countries

[Beograde]

I've just come back from visiting a poorer European country (PS the country isn't the one slightly suggested by my username). I was visiting a friend from that country and a UK based friend of my friend has accused me of being rude.

In short, they suggested that I should have paid for everything, on the basis that "in the third world(!), remuneration is expected when hospitality is given", and that "I needed to pay not only for myself but for everyone else involved".

I behaved in a way I've always done in the UK when visiting someone. I bring a gift and I try to pay for roughly my share of the costs. When I went out to a bar, I would buy drinks for people, and it would roughly work out when if I was bought drinks, etc.

I was not visiting anything like a 3rd world country, but even if I had been, I think it would have been patronising to "throw my money around". I'm not especially wealthy

So, AIBU to think like this, and how would you have behaved on a visit to a poorer country if invited to visit?

I can't imagine staying with someone for a week and not taking them out for dinner one night. Regardless of their wealth or the country's wealth. Not knowing any restaurants is a bizarre reason - you just say "I'd like to take you out for dinner as a thank you, could you suggest a nice restaurant that you'd like to go to".

I certianly wouldn't leave money - I think that runs the risk in virtually any country of being extremely insulting. I might tentatively say "perhaps I could leave my remaining currency with you, maybe you'd like to buy the childrne a present" but otherwise not.

Skinnedalive - there were obviously restaurants - they went out but OP only paid for herself. I accept that that particular night if they had other friends there might not have been appropriate to offer to pay for them. But I still can't imagine not offering to buy them a meal out - regardless of whether they were well off or not.

If we go to visit people, and if they put us up, we will then in return either pay for all groceries while we are there (if possible), or bring them out for a meal and pay for everything, or bring them out on a day trip and pay for everything.

We will pay for as much as possible to make up for the fact that they have been generous hosts to us.

With Molly on this one. A meal out for a week of being put up is the absolute minimum but good on the op for coming on here and admitting her perhaps unknowingly stingy guestism. I am sure she is clear now to dig deeper when people put you up.

Normally I'd say if you stay for 5 days, you should take your hosts (but not all their friends and relations) out for a meal. However, I think it depends on the specific culture and the situation. You were staying in a rural area that you're not familiar with, and had no control over who came to that meal you went out to. If going out for a meal - or paying for your hosts at the meal you went to - wasn't practical for some reason, then you should have found another way.

You stayed for 5 days and bought a gift + 1 round of drinks. In the UK, I'd say that's ungenerous, but not rude.

I have friends in Poland who I stayed with for two months. They weren't well off but emphatically refused a penny from me in rent etc. I just did the odd shop, made meals, supplied vodka, tried to be a good house guest and did a few informal English lessons.

They would've been insulted if I'd flashed my money around (not that I had much!).

On the flipside, I look forward to having them stay with me, rent free, in the expensive country where I live and returning the favour.

We recently stayed with a cousin in Portugal. She's loaded, multimillion loaded but....I took a gift and we took her out for dinner one night and paid. Why? Because she put us up in her house for a week and its courtesy.

We stayed with family in Poland and nobody seemed to go out much at all. Whenever any of the Polish family comes to England though, they expect everything (including travel) to be paid for by my father in law. He was a bit grumpy when his wife's brother came over for 6 months, living with them and on them, then buggered off back home with every penny he earned without so much as paying his own travel cost...

Surely you just chip in? Otherwise it seems to come across as "oh you're so poor,watch me flash the cash"?

I'm not sure about it being standard etiquette to even chip in if some of my OH's friends (British) are anything to go by. Particularly the vegetarian one who expects you to not only buy his food but change your entire diet for the duration of his visit.

I agree with OP that it is incredibly patronising to swan in and pay for everything. Whoever said that remuneration is expected in third world counties is talking total crap - in every less developed country I've ever been to, hospitality is culturally very important and it is dishonourable to accept payment. Obviously, as a guest in such a situation it is very important that you think about what you are costing and try your best to keep this down (i.e., don't suggest expensive bars or stay for too long), but I think offering cash or expecting to pay for everything is very rude in any circumstance, and makes it almost impossible to avoid suggesting that you feel socially superior.

It's such a difficult thing to gauge. You don't want to appear tight, nor do you want to patronise. We live abroad and often have friends and family to stay. Most people bring us a gift for children, some uk chocolate and maybe pay towards a meal one evening. I'll have stuff in for breakfasts, usually make a couple of special meals and then guests are invited to share in whatever we're having for dinner and just to let me know if they'll be there so I can cook extra. That works well for us. Yes we're out of pocket but so are they in booking flights over. I wouldn't offer to pay for activities though, except if I'd invited them to join us at soft play, coffee etc.

Except for one couple who came to stay who were extremely tight and wanted to go out for meals and drinks and then sat back when the bills came. They also brought us some chocolate but opened it before we could offer it round. They were a couple who used us as a hotel rather than actually came to visit us as a family if you see what I mean. That makes a difference to me.

oh fgs, people in "third world countries" have such a thing as pride, you know.

In fact many cultures around the world have a huge culture of hospitality and it would be considered beyond the pale to take money for any meals given to you!

Don't worry OP, I'm sure you acted appropriately. Your friend needs to visit an actual "third world country" (dubious term btw) and see how they react if she offers them money.

The generosity people who don't have much is something really touching to experience. Especially since we don't have anything like as much of a welcoming attitude to foreigners here in the UK.

"Especially since we don't have anything like as much of a welcoming attitude to foreigners here in the UK" - speak for yourself! Hosted plenty of people here thanks!

It doesn't have to be either you pay the supermarket bill or you pay nothing. You just find other ways to re-pay.

i.e.
Presents/presents for kids

'Thank you' meal out

You can give some English money to kids so 'they have money with the Queen's face on it' for collecting and learning about other countries not 'cos you are poor'.

Party party

I think if you are capable of being touched by someone with little being generous you should have the sensitivity to put your hand in your pocket to reciprocate....not with money but be equally generous gestures back.......gifts at end of stay and a meal out....the op had the chance to pay for the hosts meals......she avoided it. No wonder the friend was on to her.
The only people I know who do this are tight.....and frankly they need their tightness pointing out to them.