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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH was out of the house for 7 hours for the sake of one match

58 replies

cece · 21/10/2012 08:23

I genuinely want to know. Is it OK for DH to be out of the house for 7 hours in order to play one match of his sport.

Apparently he doesn't want to let the team down.

OP posts:
Llareggub · 21/10/2012 09:21

Do you take any time for yourself? You should. It is important.

Asinine · 21/10/2012 09:29

Could you meet up with a friend in a similar situation and let the dcs play while you have a chat? Why do you feel stuck in the house?

My dh has recently taken up sport. I'm pleased for him as it will keep him fit as he ages.

I do refuse to watch sport on tv though.

SideshoBob · 21/10/2012 09:31

If this was the other way round you'd no doubt be told he was being controlling for telling you not to do and that it was a red flag of emotional abuse.

Considering the health benefits, both physical and mental, of playing sport I'm surprised you would object anyway. It's important to keep fit as you get older. You say he's an old man, then be grateful he's doing something to keep in shape!

Merida · 21/10/2012 09:41

DH and I met at a hockey tournament so we are both used to playing every week. I understand/agree with the whole team commitment thing, but have had to remind him a couple of times that although that's important, it's all about priorities, and DS is now the priority.

I'm lucky that a Saturday pitchside for my team is like a creche anyway as lots of us take our kids along.

This is good as we're both determined that DS will live a healthy, active life and we want him to see us doing so (weather dependent ofc!)

Could you maybe take them along to watch nearby games if it's nice? Or if/when they're old enough, they could go with him and give you some peace?

insancerre · 21/10/2012 09:45

I don't think he is being selfish, grobags. He is doing his own thing- which is what families do isn't it? Where has this idea that families have to spend every waking minute together come from?
Op doesn't say how old the children are but if they have been together 26 years then I'm presuming they are not babies.
7 hours from a whole week is not 50%

tinierclanger · 21/10/2012 09:49

There will always be people on these threads saying you should be pleased your partner has a healthy lifestyle and can't complain if he was like that when you met.

Funny, I know loads of women who sacrificed some leisure time when they had kids, accepting it comes with the territory. I don't know ANY mothers who every week take up a whole day of the weekend for their own leisure. I know of plenty of fathers who do though. Apparently this is ok for some reason.Hmm

Original poster
cece · 21/10/2012 09:51

I have not told him not to play hockey. I have however asked him to check with me before commiting to a match whether it is convenient. For example. when the youngest is invited to a birthday party it is difficult. He is only little so I have to stay at the party with him. However, this is difficult with the older ones as I have to take them with me when he is playing hockey. Obviously taking older siblings to a party is not great so I would like to avoid if at all possible.

Is that emotional abuse to consider us first before commiting to a match?

I do a different sport and don't go if it is not convenient for DH and the kids.

OP posts:
choceyes · 21/10/2012 09:56

Yanbu at all. That is selfish behavior from your dh. If he wants to keep fit he can do other things (like cycle to work or exercise in the evenings) without taking up every Saturday. That is thoughtless imo.

Merida · 21/10/2012 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merida · 21/10/2012 09:57

Another thought. For away matches, can you and DCs go with him in the car and go and visit a local attraction/park/pool then go back with him?

You all get a wee bit more family time (albeit in the car), you and the DCs get out the house and to go visit somewhere you may not have done otherwise.

All about compromise I guess.

Ps I also got this email from Babycentre (sorry if link doesn't work)
watching sport

Original poster
cece · 21/10/2012 10:04

merida I like that idea. I think DH will be horrified. Grin Sad Also not sure if there would be room in the cars as they all car share for longer journeys. But will suggest if for occasional long away matches.

OP posts:
LiegeAndLief · 21/10/2012 10:12

I have a dh who plays hockey every sat too, although fortunately his team was demoted this season so they don't go so far for away matches Grin. Think max is 6 hours.

I try and plan fun days out with the kids if I know he's going to be away for a long time, so I'm not sat at home feeling resentful, and I make sure I get some time back in lieu. Last year I went to spent the night with a friend on my own and I have a few Sundays to go shopping/meet friends etc. I do know what you mean about it encroaching on the weekend though, I have the same problem with birthday parties. Ds was playing hockey on Sunday mornings but he has decided to drop it (with no input from me!) and I must confess I'm delighted as it felt like the whole weekend was being taken up with hockey.

differentnameforthis · 21/10/2012 10:25

My dh could easily spend time on sport when he played cricket

WhyMeWhyNot · 21/10/2012 10:27

I was out the house for 7 hours at footy yesterday, same as every Saturday during footy season. So was my daughter. We go to watch, then drinkies at the club watching footy on tele.
Love my footy I do!

Standingonlego · 21/10/2012 10:29

Hi cece. I am a hockey widow too and this is my first ever post. Agree and understand that the leagues are big and long travel needed which can be really annoying. However, I think it is a great example for our 2 DS that sport and team commitment are important, For away matches it is also really useful for them to have veterans :) as it helps with the transport as many of the younger guys in the lower teams cannot drive. I think it is important for us as a family to have our own interestsmtoo. It is tough when it cuts into family time, but we have got used to it. We make Sunday our family day. Thank goodness hockey is only through the autumn / winter. Could you team up with other families on sat afternoons from the team? This works well for us! I am happy that dp still enjoys his sport, and is spending that time positively - I would not be happy if it was travelling to watch sport rather than play it! It does get better, they hate the long journeys too! Make sure he has the kids sat am before pushback!

myron · 21/10/2012 10:30

This would piss me off but I think it would have got to me a lot sooner than 26 yrs. The only available family time for us are the weekends but in reality, both Sat/Sun mornings in our household are taken up by DS's football matches and generally, everyone wants to relax and do very little afterwards. DH takes DS to footy and I spend time with DD - in fact, I've started to take her to tap/ballet on Sat too. DH plays casual football on Sun evenings but that's only down the road. But yes, it means that it's rare for us to get a whole day for all of us now to spend time actually together to say go for a day out. I've even had to tell the grandparents who live a few hours away that we can only visit in the school holidays now although they are welcome to come and visit us inbetween. Is giving up sunday rugby an option? If I had my way, I would make DS choose one team to play for instead of playing for two. I have to take him to training during the week with DD in tow - thankfully, there are other younger siblings in the same boat for her to play with there. Footy has a lot to answer for!

wheresmespecs · 21/10/2012 10:31

So let's be clear - he works full time, so doesn't have that much to do with the kids during the week -

And then basically demands a day off to do what he wants (yeah, it's sport, he's not playing it for 7 hours, is he? I go for a run, it keeps me fit, it takes an HOUR.) So he's available as a family dad for one day a week?

Yes, it's selfish. No the OP is not being U.

I am hooting with laughter at the suggestions that OP take the kids to see him play, so they can hang out together. Get real. He's not going to agree to that. If he wanted to be spending time with his kids, he'd be arranging his life to fit them in round his matches already.

The reality is that when you have children, YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE. You can't just please yourself. If it is sport that is important to him - fine, he can find something less time consuming that keeps him fit. If it is the social side, then can't he meet them for less time, somewhere else in the week? Children's needs change over time - it is possible he is looking at his sport taking a back seat for a few years, and he can then take it up again. A bit like I am.

The op h said she does a sport, but doesn't insist on doing it when it is inconvenient for the family. Unlike her DP. Who doesn't want to let his team down - but seems happy to let his partner and children down. What selfish entitled behaviour.

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 21/10/2012 10:55

Didn't the OP also say her DS did sport on Sundays? So no chance of doing much together as a family then.

The OP compromises with her sport. Her DH should also compromise.

Original poster
cece · 21/10/2012 10:56

"doesn't want to let his team down - but seems happy to let his partner and children down"

I must admit that is exactly what goes through my mine when he says that. Sad

OP posts:
aderynlas · 21/10/2012 11:00

On his away games you could book a cheap family room in a travelodge and make a weekend of it. We have stayed at just about every city in the uk watching our football team. If you plan it properly the room can cost as little as £9, kids love it, museums parks etc. Even if you only did it now and then it could be fun.

Pinkforever · 21/10/2012 11:06

YANBU-but why the hell have you put up with this for so long?! Its not on and I cant believe the stepfords on here telling you to put up or shut upHmm His "hobby" does not take precedence over your time as a family-its a no brainer!

My dh has recently started going to the gym again and had indicated that he intended to go about 5 times a week. HA HA HA-nope not a chance! like yours he hardly sees his dcs during the week so weekends are all about family time. I put my foot down last sunday when he tried to go and told him he was watching the dcs while I had a relaxing dayGrin

If your dh wants to continue his hobby then he takes the dcs with him-then you get free time too. End off.

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 21/10/2012 11:06

With one child doing rugby on Sundays I doubt there's much scope for weekends away at the DH's away fixtures.

"doesn't want to let his team down - but seems happy to let his partner and children down"

Cece have you actually told him that and not just thought it?

Original poster
cece · 21/10/2012 11:15

No I must admit I haven't been brave enough to tell him that.

Nochance of staying over. DS1 has rugby first thing on Sunday morning and DH wouldn't want to anyway.

OP posts:
Jakadaal · 21/10/2012 11:29

Am married to a golfer and a football season ticket holder - say no more Sad just have to accept its the way of family life and make sure I get 'my' time in other ways

joanofarchitrave · 21/10/2012 11:37

Yes I'd find this unreasonable. Every Saturday??? Jesus! How long is the season?

Surely at his age he should be coaching? As in, coaching his kids?? How old are they? I have a friend who is part of a very sporty family - but that's the point, it's a family approach. When the kids were small, I think she did feel a bit like a sport widow, but got on with it - tbh sport really is a good way to get rid of the strains of the week, which are going to come out somehow. She did her own sport a couple of evenings a week and occasional Sunday morning with her dh's full support. It's paid back like gangbusters now as her dh and all her children head off to play sport at the same club every Saturday all winter, a different sport every Sunday all summer, and she gets to pursue her own (different) sport involving several weekends away a year, at a near-national level.

I think this COULD be reasonable, but only if the whole family is involved in some way. Hockey is a very tricky one as the areas are so huge - he needs to start coaching a local junior team if he loves it so much.