neighbours disastrous life I've had enough AIBU?

[BloodRedAlienReflux]

seriously, flame me, call me a cold hearted cow, say I'm no sister, cos i need to know what the fuck to do....... so, she moved in with her ape of a boyfriend about 5 months ago, and a little 3 yr old girl, and baby 2 weeks from delivery.
At first, we thought they were ace, a light in the pensioner tunnel that is our area.
Then after drinking with them (him) a few times, realized he's a sexist, racist pig. So! broke all contact just about, until recently, she came to the door, really upset, saying she's so sorry she hasn't been round, and can we be friends, I never really had a problem with her, except to say she never stood up for herself, AND told me once she thought i fancied her boyfriend, and should stay away??!!
So she's been round CONSTANTLY and saying he's punched all the walls through, has given her a black eye, has really turned on the little girl (not his) this little girl, is an amazing kid, and she spent LOADS of time here in the summer, playing with my little boy, her Dad was an abuser and she was taken from her mum for 6 weeks til she left him.
right, so sad tale, but these past weeks, I've done EVERYTHING for them, she doesn't drive, so I've been running errands etc, and she keeps turning up at night saying he's kicking off, all of which is upsetting my OH by now, and the kids are getting increasingly scared. It's really affecting my family life now, and she WON'T tell him to go?! I know it's not that easy, and I'm really trying to be sympathetic, but her 3 year old is wetting the bed again,and developing all sorts of anxiety related behaviours, if she won't put the kids first, and save herself and them from him, why should i keep pissing my oh off, and upsetting my family for her?
right go one then! I'm ready........

She is putting her relationship with an abusive arsehole over the safety and happiness of her own kids, that's not a good mother, it's a horribly selfish, neglectful one. There is no excuse for her doing this to her children again, if she didn't learn first time round having lost custody of her child for a while, then she probably never will because she just doesn't care.

Stay out of her relationship, she's addicted to the drama, she's involving you for the added drama and attention, the only way to deal with people like that is ignore. She'll only change when she gets sick of it which may never happen, you can't save her, this is her choice. Stop letting her drag your family into her mental problems.

Call ss to report the danger posed to these kids, hopefully they'll be removed for their own safety and she can carry on the way she wants without exposing the poor children to further damage. My only sympathy is for the kids, they deserve so much better than this.

well done op.

he's 31, he's got issues as long as your arm himself, aside from drink, I know he's been done for DV before.

Almost certainly he's got those issues because he was normalised to DV by being brought up himself in a violent family. If he isn't removed from the kids next door, they are going to grow up believing violence is acceptable too. You can and must save them from that.

She may not be putting her relationship above her children, consciously.

Most of the women that get into these cycles have come from unrecognised abusive childhoods.

They cannot spot abuse and deny what it does to a child, otherwise it would 'open a can of worms' on their own upbringing, they they, or their family are not ready to admit.

What we have nowis people becoming parents that were children before DV 'flagged up' as a CP concern,it was ignored by all.

People (mainly women) should be able to come out of the other side, admit that they made mistakes and be accepted, not shunned.

The problem with 'ignoring' is that the woman becomes more and more isolated and even when attending Centres/Courses, holds the impression that all relationships are like that, because all the women attending have been in abusive relationships.

They need a mixed friendship group.

That was to "Cat".

I agree that he probably has the same background as he would inflict of these children.

Perpetrator courses are few and far between, unfortunately.

Well done OP. That sounds like a sensible choice by you and your mum. Those children will be safer because of you.

You and your mum have definitely done the right thing.

Good for your mum. Not sure if it's been mentioned upthread but your neighbour might be interested in the Freedom Programme. I believe she can self-refer and might help her in the future: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Birds, in that situation, the op's children are being scared by this woman bringing her domestic situation into their home, her oh is understandably getting irritated by the constant intrusion of someone who only wants to spread their drama, this person is not looking for help.

If dp allowed the neighbours to bring their chosen dramas into my life and harrass me and my family with them, I'd send him to live with them. Ops oh is obviously much more patient and indulgent than I am but everybody has their limits. Her niceness is being taken advantage of and the problems for her family will continue until she puts a stop to it. You don't have to shun people but you do need boundaries and you don't have to tolerate those who overstep them.

The only victims here are the children who are at the mercy of their mothers lifestyle choices. Adult women are perfectly capable of taking responsiblity for themselves, just because some make bad choices doesn't make them victims. Victims (like the children) don't have a choice. The friend in this situation has the power and she chooses to endanger and frighten her children with an abusive boyfriend and run to the neighbours whining about the consequences of her choices. Indulging her is only giving her the attention she wants, it's not helping and it won't, she will only help herself when she wants to, nobody else can do it for her.

Hopefully ss will find these children a good home before they're too badly damaged by abusive, neglectful, selfish parenting.

Well done for getting your mum to ring, if anything happens and you feel any of them are at risk then ring the police/ss anyone who can help

But YANBU to distance yourself, your family has to come first and if your dc are scared and upset then you have to protect them. Only give as much help and time as you are happy to

What do you mean she isn't a victim? He punches her and it's her choice wtaf.

Some very black and white posts above, teetering on the edge of "cor. Well why do they put up with it, bring it in themselves, chose their partner" really? I mean really? Do these attitudes still exist. Of course the woman needs to take responsibility. But if she can't then the children must be protected. So well done, OP.

Glad to read SS have been informed.

You have to put this 3 yr old and the baby first and by doing so mum will be given support to hopefully change this cycle. She has moved in with someone else extremely quickly hasn't she - she may be unable to consider or be afraid of living alone, in which case a refuge may be hugely helpful. But as council house is in her name she should be able to stay and get him shifted out.

You mention you are helping the mum out, ferrying her around, and your family are feeling this - only do as much as you can without it having a negative effect on your family. Her kids and your kids don't need to be hearing about violence and relationship drama. Perhaps suggest you can catch up via text or a quick phone call when kids are in bed. She may be used to talking like this with kids around but your dcs are obviously, and rightly, not. Support her yes but on your terms.

cat thankfully SS will not remove the children, but put services in place to support the family and try to help the mum to make better choices for her and her children, now and in the future.

I ran the children's service in a refuge. 90% of children from homes where there has been dv, have witnessed it to some degree. Heard it. Seen it. Seen the wounds. Seen the aftermath. Children are victims too. And trust me, the result of this on their emotional health, is not good.

the woman becomes more and more isolated and even when attending Centres/Courses, holds the impression that all relationships are like that, because all the women attending have been in abusive relationships.

This is absolute rubbish of course.

I did a course and we ALL KNEW IT WAS NOT NORMAL!

Making women (or men for that matter, the reason they tend not to come out about it) caught up in DV relationships to be put down as imbeciles is NOT HELPFUL

Like somebody said, it is not all black and white...

DV in its many facets can creep up on you, due to many factors, as the threads in MN more than testify.

OP, So glad you posted and got the ball rolling in helping your neighbour and got your DM onto it too. I hope her and her DC will start to get the help that they need so desperately.

(These are just the kind of attitudes that stop people reaching out for help, by the way).

Well done to you and your mum. Good idea of hers.

Ok so they came home together last night, surprise surprise, but i had worked myself up all day, so when i heard the music start up, signaling a party starting, I thought, if it kicks off I'm calling the police, no more enabling this bollocks. But it didn't. Can't believe she's taken him back yet again but my attitude has well and truly shifted since last time i saw her, and it won't be all there there have a biscuit when she comes round next.
you are dead right in that the 3 yr old has seen and heard it all (twice over now) and she just glazes over when her mum is talking about it, and yes, I am very conscious of mine listening on the rare occasion she comes round when they are up/not at school, I don't want them knowing anything about that fucked up world.

You are the kindest neighbour I know, just be careful your kindness will not be detrimental to you and your family as that is your prority.