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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

neighbours disastrous life I've had enough AIBU?

71 replies

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 12:32

seriously, flame me, call me a cold hearted cow, say I'm no sister, cos i need to know what the fuck to do....... so, she moved in with her ape of a boyfriend about 5 months ago, and a little 3 yr old girl, and baby 2 weeks from delivery.
At first, we thought they were ace, a light in the pensioner tunnel that is our area.
Then after drinking with them (him) a few times, realized he's a sexist, racist pig. So! broke all contact just about, until recently, she came to the door, really upset, saying she's so sorry she hasn't been round, and can we be friends, I never really had a problem with her, except to say she never stood up for herself, AND told me once she thought i fancied her boyfriend, and should stay away??!!
So she's been round CONSTANTLY and saying he's punched all the walls through, has given her a black eye, has really turned on the little girl (not his) this little girl, is an amazing kid, and she spent LOADS of time here in the summer, playing with my little boy, her Dad was an abuser and she was taken from her mum for 6 weeks til she left him.
right, so sad tale, but these past weeks, I've done EVERYTHING for them, she doesn't drive, so I've been running errands etc, and she keeps turning up at night saying he's kicking off, all of which is upsetting my OH by now, and the kids are getting increasingly scared. It's really affecting my family life now, and she WON'T tell him to go?! I know it's not that easy, and I'm really trying to be sympathetic, but her 3 year old is wetting the bed again,and developing all sorts of anxiety related behaviours, if she won't put the kids first, and save herself and them from him, why should i keep pissing my oh off, and upsetting my family for her?
right go one then! I'm ready........

OP posts:

nkf · 20/10/2012 12:57

It's a child protection issue isn't it? I would have said so. So deal with that. The woman and her utterly rubbish choices are not your responsibility. But we all have to take responsibility for those who are too young and vulnerable to look after themselves. I know that sounds pompous but you have to call whoever you have to call.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/10/2012 12:57

call the NSPCC - you do not have to give your name. They notify the relevant agencies usually within 24 hours. they are very good.

here you go.

phone them. its so easy and no risk to you at all.

Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2012 12:58

How will i sleep if that little girl is in the system? There must be another way?

Yes they could all be killed.

"In the system", is what made life better, until she chose another abuser to live with her children.

You are wrongly under the impression that being in the system is worse than living with someone who has the potential to kill you (the children) but at the very least has you living in daily fear.

honeytea · 20/10/2012 12:58

How will i sleep if that little girl is in the system? There must be another way?

How will you sleep if she is not in tge system :(

quoteunquote · 20/10/2012 13:00

www.womensaid.org.uk/

give her the number and contact details above,

phone SS, before those children end up being hurt.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/10/2012 13:01

call them. the system while not brilliant, is there for a reason. I wish someone had intervened when i was a kid, i really really do. i endured years of physical and emotional abuse because no one would intervene - my child hood neighbours told me years later that they could hear my stepfather beating me.

they did nothing. they apologised to me.
too little, too late though.

i now work in a field where i see this all the time - call the NSPCC if you want to be anon. but do it. dont leave it to someone else - because there may not be anyone else for those children.

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 13:01

Ok so if i phone, he's not supposed to be living there is he? so would she lose her house? I know you must hink so what? but she is a great Mum, if he would just fuck off, they would be fine, i know they would.
So if i said, he's her boyfriend, but not living there, can they still do something?

OP posts:

TwinkleReturns · 20/10/2012 13:01

OP sorry to be harsh but how will you sleep if that little girl screams while she watches mummy be attacked? Or how will you sleep when that little girl is hit by an adult she has watched torment her mother. If she is in the system she is safe and she has professionals helping and supporting her. If you dither and worry about the implication of getting professionals involved you are enabling the abuse just as much as the mother. And I say this as a mum who went back to an abusive partner twice. Its only now that Ive had the support that I can see how I should have acted sooner - you cant see clearly when you're "in it". She wont be telling you about the worst of the abuse, you cant think that you can take the risk of not getting professionals involved.

ProphetOfDoom · 20/10/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth · 20/10/2012 13:02

Agree with all the above. The children come first. If the mother can't protect them by getting rid of the abusive partner then unfortunately she will continue to suffer. But she mustn't be allowed to drag the children down with her.

SS will probably give her an ultimatum - he goes or the children do.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/10/2012 13:03

no - she wont lose the house.
stop worrying about the finite points - it will all come out anyway. that does not matter. her choices are hers - she is an adult. there is tons of help out there for women when they are ready to take action.

my priority if i were you, would be the child. Helping one may well lead to helping the other.

Geordieminx · 20/10/2012 13:06

I think the child will probably be better off "in the system" then stuck with an abusive "father" and a feckless mother.

I'm sorry but I also can't see how you can slate her for not having the courage to kick him out/get rid when you yourself are not wanting to involve people who can help

You need to do the right thing. You know that don't you? Too many people turn a blind eye, not wanting to "be a grass" or "cause any hassle" and then all of a sudden it's too late. He's told you he is going to hurt her, what happens to the kids when he beats her black and blue and ends up in hospital?

nkf · 20/10/2012 13:07

You are looking at the the wrong way. At the moment, she is not behaving like a great mum because she has introduced a dangerous individual into her children's home. Your sleeping at night/guilt is neither here nor there. It is a clear cut moral issue. If there was a lion in your neighbour's house, you would call the appropriate authorities. There is a dangerous individual in the house, so you do the same. The consequences are not yours to worry about. What happens to her is not your responsibility. Reporting abuse you have witnessed is.

Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2012 13:08

No she wouldn't, she would fall into another abusive relationship. She needs the imput of services to get herself back on track.

They will tell him to leave, as he has no legal right to be there (aside from the DV).

Then they will put a plan in place which will include her going to a women's group, for her self esteem and to help her to stop her pattern of behaviour.

Being a great mum would be phoning the police, at the very least.

She is not recognising what her children are going through and neither are you.

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 13:10

Ok you're right, I know, I suppose I've believed he's going to go too. I will see if he comes back with her tonight, if he does, I'll put the call in.
I know it's irrelevant, but about 4 months ago, I had to put a call in about another bloody neighbour screaming abuse at her 2 year old. It made me sick to the stomach, now I'm doing it again, but I know I have to protect those kids, even if in the short term it tears their lives apart :(
One of the things she says is that even though he's horrible to the 3 yr old, when he says he's leaving she's in tears, and crying for him not to go, this somehow makes her think the little girl loves him??!! She's just copying her mum though right? or doing what she thinks she should be doing to stay in good books?

OP posts:

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 13:12

Alright, I know you're right, why do you think i posted here?! I know I'm just as guilty of buying into the ' it's going to be ok you will see' bullshit.

OP posts:

nailak · 20/10/2012 13:13

bloodred I have been in a similar situation, and I understand you can not do this on your own. You are not a professional, trained for working with people in this situation.

Personally what I did was send an anonymous email to the CHildren's centre (the head teacher figured out it was me in 5 mins though) and documented what I had heard and what I had seen. The children's centre staff were great and supported her, social services, police, lawyers etc were all arranged to come to centre at times when the idiot husband thought she was at toddler group. A lot of the time he was parked outside waiting for her.

Also call womens aid yourself. They are very helpful. They will be able to advise you what is best to do and tell you the implications of calling social services.

If you involve health visitors or childrens centre, they can call social services, and they will also support her by being there when social services talks to her etc.

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 13:15

And i haven't been turning a blind eye, this only came to my attention couple of weeks ago, and has escalated over the last few days, I thought it was coming to a head, and he was going to go, it's only last night and today after she text that I'm now convinced he isn't. Not being defensive, just pointing that out. if he comes back tonight, I'm phoning. Thanks for the much needed kick up the arse.

OP posts:

botandhothered · 20/10/2012 13:15

SS really won't be concerned about her benefit fraud. DWP are a totally unconnected agency. So don't let that put you off. Even if she was reported for benefit fraud, with two little ones, she would likely just have to pay it back to DWP. The council would not take the house from her.
You must contact SS.

TwinkleReturns · 20/10/2012 13:16

OP I think this may help. Im being blunt and some of you may find this distressing.

In refuge there was a lady who had been ground down by years of violent sexual abuse. She wasnt protecting her other DC because she had been pg with twins and her H violently raped her with a broken bottle causing her to miscarry and collapse. Her H refused her medical access (wouldnt phone ambulance etc) until she swore she would keep quiet. So she did. She went into hospital but was too terrified about what he would do if she told anyone.

The services were obviously alerted by the nature of her injuries and a neighbour came forward and stated that she had heard screaming, shouting, violence in the past. The woman lost her house and her kids for a while but she only ever spoke of the neighbour with kindness. She was so grateful that someone had done SOMETHING. She had stated that she wanted to get away from him and SS helped her get a place in refuge. She didnt care about the lost home, the lost possessions, the pets they'd left behind. All she cared about was that she and her children were safe and that it was over.

I walked out and left my flat, my clothes, sentimental objects - everything. I didnt look back. Possessions are replaceable. Homes are replaceable. Life isnt.

HarlotOTara · 20/10/2012 13:17

In my work with teenagers I often come across young people who have spent their lives in abusive families and the effects are devastating and far reaching. I have also recently had involvement with social services because of a current situation involving a teen and although it took a little while ss worked very well. Just ring I would have no problem with doing so from what you have described, that little girl is traumatised

Birdsgottafly · 20/10/2012 13:18

If a women was genuinely going through DV, then any benefit fraud connected with that situation would be written off.

We (agencies) understand how Domestic Abuse gets you into situations that are outside your full controll and are lenient in their judgement.

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 13:21

Seriously don't know what i would do without MN sometimes, you all talk such sense. Thanks all of you, I'll let you know tonight, if he comes back, if not tonight, then any fucking day, I'm not letting him live there any longer. She's only 23 he's 31, he's got issues as long as your arm himself, aside from drink, I know he's been done for DV before.

OP posts:

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 14:02

my mum has rung them, they are going to look into it :( mum thought it best she did it, then i can look them in the eye and say i didn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

BloodRedAlienReflux · 20/10/2012 14:02

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

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