I think I'm evil... Best friend is pregnant and I'm gutted

[NotNormal]

I feel awful. Yesterday my closest friend with whom I share everything told me she's three months pregnant. I pretended to be happy for her but I'm horrified. I felt my entire life turn on its head when she told me. I've been awake since 4am.

I'm in my late twenties and I've decided not to have kids myself. I have a step son and nieces and nephews and I'm happy with that. I was an au pair and babysitter for years and I've seen my sisters have kids and suffer the relentless sleepless nights and bad behaviour. My oldest sister I'm sure is depressed, she has two kids and is constantly miserable. I've always known from about age 12 having kids isn't for me (the childbirth video when I was 12 didn't help). One of my other friends had a baby recently, 2 months after the birth she was nearly suicidal and just wanted to hand him back. I know how hard it is, because I've seen so many people struggle through it. Especially when kids are young it just seems like constant illness and constant worry.

I am happy for my best friend, but I know that our lives are going to change so very much, and I'm struggling to come to terms with this. We'll inevitably see less of each other, when we do she'll have a baby in tow and she is going to be very tied up with the baby for the foreseeable future. She is also going to want to be left alone after the birth and I'm really going to miss her.

I feel so left out. For the last three months she's been walking around with this knowledge, her body changing, and she's said nothing to me because her DH told her not to. It's completely changed how I see her. I feel like I haven't known her for the last 3 months. I can't believe I didn't notice either.

She is the first in our group of friends to have a baby, and I think it'll change the entire dynamic of the group.

I've had a pretty rough time of it lately, with a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stress. I've been depressed (so OH says) and this just feels like another bad thing to add to the list. I do feel awful for being such a selfish bitch, I know I'm a selfish bitch and I should just be happy for her, but I realise just how completely children change your life forever and I can see that in about 6 months, if not before, what we had will change forever and I think I'm mourning the loss of that, as well as my other losses. We work together, we socialise together, we share hobbies. I feel like it is a lot to lose.

I'm hoping to get married in 2014 and she is my chief bridesmaid. I know she's not going to have much time, if any, to help me. I was planning on relying on her for dress shopping and all the other stuff that comes with planning a wedding, but now I can't. I feel very alone, because there isn't anyone else I can rely on (they either live very far away or have kids themselves).

Feel free to tell me I'm a selfish bitch (I know I am, this post is all about me, me, me). I'm going to go back to counselling I think but I'm sick of it though, and sick of feeling depressed and anxious all the bloody time.

I realise this is just the beginning, all my friends are getting married and having babies and I worry I will feel pressure to have a baby to fit in and be a part of it. I know I'll feel lonely not being able to share experiences with them, but that isn't a reason to have a child, I know (and I don't think I could put myself through it either). I know it is going to feel very lonely being childless by choice, when everyone is chatting babies and breastfeeding and dirty nappies, I will have nothing to contribute.

I feel like a total bitch, probably because I am. Any advice/comments/stories/abuse/experiences gratefully received.

OP, I agree with a lot of other posters (the kind ones!) so I won't repeat.

Without wishing to sound pukey....

My best friend doesn't have children, and won't now. I have two year old twins. They are fantastic. I love my best friend and I love my children. My best friend loves my children. It's a win win situation.

Just to put another perspective on things for you so you can see that this could be a great situation. You obviously do like children.

Good luck.

Gosh OP - I'm really impressed at you coming back and taking all that on the chin!

Just one point to make - I regularly downplay how marvellous motherhood is to childless friends. It's a very British thing to do I think but also I'm aware that a) people going on about their children is v dull and b) a childless friend may not like or want children or have fertility issues.

I wonder if your friends/family do the same?

What I'm getting from your posts is that it's not that you don't want children as such but that you don't think motherhood is for you, in the sense that you don't feel good enough for it somehow, that you just won't cope with it. Is that fair?

OP, it's OK to be sad, but consider that your friend might be feeling a bit sad as well. It's hard on both sides when someone has a child - you don't really want the childless person to view you as so completely alien to them after the birth!

I'm pregnant, early to mid 30s, and have lots of friends who openly dislike children and are never going to have them. My DH and I are actively making an effort with these friends to keep them in our lives, because we are very worried we're going to lose them. It goes both ways! Don't assume your friend wants to cut you out of her life - she might need you more than ever (as long as you aren't openly nasty about her DC!).

Also, my best friend had TRIPLETS and still made an incredible effort as my matron of honour. To be fair, I wasn't a demanding bride (and it's not my style to get people to go dress shopping with me, etc). But still - don't automatically assume things will change that much for your friend. The newborn phase will not last until 2014!

(As a side note, you're not really supposed to tell anyone you're pregnant until 12 weeks anyway, so don't take it personally. She probably hadn't told family yet either.)

But you are not really being logical. I could understand it if you were unable to have children or made a choice not to have children and now it's too late. But your only in your late twentites. You can still have children if you wish. Quite a few people don't want children and then in their thirties or later decide they do.

I am an only child and used to think I'd never cope with all that screaming and waking in the night. Perhaps you need to think again about where your life is going and what you want from life. And you can remain friends with people who have children. Why not?

Those are lovely responses NotNormal. You sound much more positive and I hope the responses have helped you realise that so much is really up to you.

Although it may not have seemed that way in my first post, I do understand your feelings - maybe that was why I was so harsh on you.

I come from the different prospective of not being able to have children, and so when my friends or relatives became pregnant I found it very difficult - infact I was quietly the bitch from hell!! I pushed most people away rather than deal with my own pain. That's why I wondered why you were almost pushing your friend away too? But then I had a friend who did include me, and I realised although I would always be over-emotional about pregnancy and babies, it did not mean I had to have a life devoid of children. Now I have read how you feel about your step son and nieces/nephews I realise that you do care and can have lovely relationships with the children in your life - that's so special.

I know once I adopted 4 children (all at once - LOL) it was actually my childless friends who were the most supportive, both emotionally and in a practical sense. It is them who became the favourite 'aunties' and had so much love to give my children, which was reciprocated ten fold. After reading your reply to everyone, I can see that you can also be that favourite 'auntie' too, and as in my case I became closer to my childless friends than the mothers amongst them. The times they spent with my children were precious, but equally precious was the time I could spend with them without the children too. Those times were so necessary and even more important than they had been in the past. Now my children are grown but they are all still close to my friends without children, and our relationships have been strengthened by those first precious years.

I really do hope that any counselling you may take will be helpful, but I think in admitting you have difficulties means you are halfway there already. Good luck xx

I really wouldn't worry. Yes she'll have a little one in tow when you get married, but little people are pretty portable and you will still be able to do all the things you want to - with added cute tag along! Are you SURE you're not jealous? Deep down in the primal core of your being perhaps? I was adamant I didn't want children. Then I hit 30, and on my 30th birthday was in irrational tears because I was getting old and hadn't had kids - go figure!!! I'm a primary school teacher so fairly used to children. Now I have a baby of my own and I still have time for friends, family and activities outside the home. Was still supporting friends and going out sorting stuff when baby was a week old so I really wouldn't worry!

OP, I was you at the start of this year! I feel pretty much exactly how you do about motherhood and I have my own reasons for that. I also recognise ViviPru's feelings - how could the positives possibly make up for all the many negatives?! When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I went home and cried. And felt awful about it! I was so worried about our friendship changing and I also had that feeling of being 'left behind'. I put a very brave face on as I'm sure you're doing and gave my friend loads of gifts and support. Her baby is now 3 months old and she is gorgeous. I feel like she is my niece. I look forward to having a really lovely relationship with her as (hopefully) cool Aunt Lotta
Yes, our friendship has changed - we used to go out every Thursday night and obviously can't do that any more - we don't see each other as much as we used to, but it's ok. It really is. And I know that when the baby stage is over, we will see each other a bit more. And I know that she still needs me and values me and that feels good.

' I suspect my friend having her baby will force me into looking at my own beliefs about motherhood and this will make me feel uncomfortable (and possibly jealous). Guess I'll have to suck that up!'

This is an excellent point. I was totally 100% not prepared for this and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The first and second time I visited, I found seeing my friend with her baby totally devastating. I felt like there was something wrong with me for not wanting the same thing. I still feel a bit wobbly about it but I think that it's because a part of me would dearly love what she has, but deep down in my guts, I don't think motherhood is the right thing for me.

I see a psychotherapist as I have massive issues with my own family and also suffer from anxiety and depression. I highly recommend counselling/therapy - it will help you to get more in touch with exactly how you are feeling and help you to manage it without leaning so heavily on your friend. I know you know that what she is doing is a normal, positive, lovely thing so it's important that you can be there for her when she needs you, but in a way that works for you too.

You are not a bitch, you don't have issues with motherhood in general, you're just not sure whether it's right for you. You have every right to be on Mumsnet even if you are childfree - there are plenty of us on here - it's one of the few places where you can chat with other women about everything under the sun I hope you weren't hurt by some of the totally undeserved rotten comments you've had on here. I avoid the AIBU thread for that very reason

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more x