I think I'm evil... Best friend is pregnant and I'm gutted

[NotNormal]

I feel awful. Yesterday my closest friend with whom I share everything told me she's three months pregnant. I pretended to be happy for her but I'm horrified. I felt my entire life turn on its head when she told me. I've been awake since 4am.

I'm in my late twenties and I've decided not to have kids myself. I have a step son and nieces and nephews and I'm happy with that. I was an au pair and babysitter for years and I've seen my sisters have kids and suffer the relentless sleepless nights and bad behaviour. My oldest sister I'm sure is depressed, she has two kids and is constantly miserable. I've always known from about age 12 having kids isn't for me (the childbirth video when I was 12 didn't help). One of my other friends had a baby recently, 2 months after the birth she was nearly suicidal and just wanted to hand him back. I know how hard it is, because I've seen so many people struggle through it. Especially when kids are young it just seems like constant illness and constant worry.

I am happy for my best friend, but I know that our lives are going to change so very much, and I'm struggling to come to terms with this. We'll inevitably see less of each other, when we do she'll have a baby in tow and she is going to be very tied up with the baby for the foreseeable future. She is also going to want to be left alone after the birth and I'm really going to miss her.

I feel so left out. For the last three months she's been walking around with this knowledge, her body changing, and she's said nothing to me because her DH told her not to. It's completely changed how I see her. I feel like I haven't known her for the last 3 months. I can't believe I didn't notice either.

She is the first in our group of friends to have a baby, and I think it'll change the entire dynamic of the group.

I've had a pretty rough time of it lately, with a lot of loss in my life and a lot of stress. I've been depressed (so OH says) and this just feels like another bad thing to add to the list. I do feel awful for being such a selfish bitch, I know I'm a selfish bitch and I should just be happy for her, but I realise just how completely children change your life forever and I can see that in about 6 months, if not before, what we had will change forever and I think I'm mourning the loss of that, as well as my other losses. We work together, we socialise together, we share hobbies. I feel like it is a lot to lose.

I'm hoping to get married in 2014 and she is my chief bridesmaid. I know she's not going to have much time, if any, to help me. I was planning on relying on her for dress shopping and all the other stuff that comes with planning a wedding, but now I can't. I feel very alone, because there isn't anyone else I can rely on (they either live very far away or have kids themselves).

Feel free to tell me I'm a selfish bitch (I know I am, this post is all about me, me, me). I'm going to go back to counselling I think but I'm sick of it though, and sick of feeling depressed and anxious all the bloody time.

I realise this is just the beginning, all my friends are getting married and having babies and I worry I will feel pressure to have a baby to fit in and be a part of it. I know I'll feel lonely not being able to share experiences with them, but that isn't a reason to have a child, I know (and I don't think I could put myself through it either). I know it is going to feel very lonely being childless by choice, when everyone is chatting babies and breastfeeding and dirty nappies, I will have nothing to contribute.

I feel like a total bitch, probably because I am. Any advice/comments/stories/abuse/experiences gratefully received.

You're not a bitch. It's all about the 'scale of things that matter' isn't it? You've slid down a space on your friends scale, and you're feeling it.

When i had my first baby at 21 one of the things that hit me straight away was that baby was my absolute no.1 priority now, and would be for life. Husbands, rest of family, friends, money worries, material things, myself(!), pets ... onwards and onwards down the scale.

I have 3 DCs. I have a friend from school who has none. Partly through choice, partly through circumstance. She is auntie X to my kids (teens now) and is special to us. If she's been jealous in the past she's never shown it - and i love and respect her for that.

Your friend wont change. Her priorities will though. I think you know you've got to suck it up if you want to stay friends.

Mmm...I dunno...being gutted over your best friend's (much wanted) pgcy because it might affect her availability to go dress shopping with you, seems a bit childish tbh.

I'm going to go against the sympathetic tide here, and say that to me, you come over as selfy and immature. I'm not trying to be rude or nasty - but that is what I see.

I also think you may well change your mind about having kids...once you have grown up a bit.

You're being ridiculous.

I think you sound childish and selfish and have a completely unrealistic view of motherhood. You sound like you will be some god-awful bridezilla.

Things change. It's fairly normal and mainstream to have children, my goodness you could even argue the human race would die out if people didn't do it.

I think the best thing that could happen is your friend has a termination and devotes her life to helping you prepare for your wedding for the next 2 years.

I also question why you are on mumsnet. I understand why non-mothers are on it but to have such contempt for motherhood?

I think your post was horrible. The best thing you could do for your friend is back off so her child doesn't realise how much you resent him/her.

How do you feel towards your step son, if you are so against having children and are this appalled that your friend has decided to have one then do you treat your stepson with the same contempt?

I can understand that your friends pregnancy feels like a betrayal - she kept it a secret so you feel hurt and excluded. That's painful and i sympathise, but if you really do want to stay friends with her, regardless of te fact that her life choices are different from yours, you are going to have to let go of those feelings and accept that there are going to be changes.

However solid and stable friendships feel, the relationship has to be able to evolve if it is going to last. Don't beat yourself up, but please see that your friend hasn't done anything wrong - she has simply made a different choice from you.

The wedding thing is where you start to sound a bit childish (sorry). She might not be able to help as much as you had expected but seriously, you are a competent adult - you can plan a wedding and pick a dress, and making a big deal of it is going to come across to her as petulant. Sorry - I know it's just an expression of your underlying hurt.

I would definitely agree that counselling would be a good idea - go and talk this through properly. Sounds like there is a lot bubbling under the surface.

"she kept it a secret so you feel hurt and excluded."

She´s only three months! Jeez-only husband & I knew until I was about 18weeks!

I can´t believe that a good friend would be anything other than delighted for a friend´s pregnancy!

I agree with the other posts but just want to add- you seem to have an extremely negative view of having children, unrealistically negative IMO. Yes having children does have plenty of negative points, but it has fantastic positive points too. I wonder if part of your feelings is that your stance on having children is being challenged subconsciously. For your friend, having a baby is a 100% positive, exciting thing and trying to read negative things into isn't helpful to her or you.

I found it incredibly hard when my best friend was pregnant as I was so incredibly jealous, also I worried over every twinge because I didn't want her to lose her dd like I lost mine. I was there a few hours after baby was born and she did want me there and we stayed very close. Her dd was very much a positive.

With such a negative view of children (and those who chose to have them) I wonder how you get alone with your step son, nieces, nephews and the children you once looked after?

I also wonder if the change in dyamics of the relationship with your friend, will not come from her, but from you? After all, you have already decided what is going to happen and how she is going to be. Also, when one of your first thoughts is that she would not be able to help with your wedding in two years time (why not?) I think that yes, your friendship will suffer dramatically. As I said though, that change will be from your pre conceived ideas rather than your friend's change in circumstances. I feel very sorry for her - how sad to be only able to be classed as a friend because of what she can give you and do for you. And that even the prospect of you (and your wedding) not being her top priority means YOU have decided the course your so called friendship will now take. I always thought real friendship was equal, give and take, rather than take, take, take.

I'm also not sure real friendship means pretending to be happy for them. How would you feel if she was horrified by the thought of your wedding and had decided that will be the end of your close relationship?

I wish you good luck with your counselling.

OP - Don't take her keeping the pregnancy secret a judgement on you, I'm currently pregnant, I've told DH, the midwives, and the woman on the antenatel club on MN but none of my friends, not my parents or my best friend who is DS's godmother and who will probably play a significant part of this DC's life. I had a miscarriage in July and I want to wait until I've had a scan before I start discussing it. That's really normal, some people will tell early, but if they've had anyone close to them have a miscarriage it's more likely they'll keep it quiet (it could easily be that your friend's DH has had someone close to him lose a baby, it makes you view the first few weeks very differently).

Also, I know what you mean about the fear of postnatal depression, I had depression when I was younger and we have a family history of PND, but I didn't get it with DS, a lot of woman don't. We got DS in a routine, and the sleep depreivation just wasn't that bad as he'd go from 7-10 then 10:30 -3am then sleep through until 6-7 ish, it was enough sleep to cope. My SIL has just had a baby, at 4 months her DD is sleeping from 10pm through until 8am. Some people struggle, some people have it easy. It doesn't follow that your friend won't be able to meet up.

If you're about to enter your 30s, you'll find a lot of your friends' lifes change anyway, it's not just having DCs, this is the stage where people are saving for houses and stopping going out as much, or when careers really take off and work hours and overseas travel starts to really kick in. This is the time when people are promoted and move, or decide it's now or never to take a year travelling round the world.

Adult life rarely stays stable for long - even if you do 'join in' with having DCs, there's the innital stage when you're at home, then it's the gradual change while some friends go back to work, some don't, then of those who are SAHMs, the changes again in lives when DCs go to school and some suddenly have free time, others go to work then. Then there's the stages of second/third DCs and a disconnect with your friends from that. There's a huge difference in the lives of friends who are and are not able to pay for help in the home. Huge changes when practicalities of DCs mean bigger houses are needed and friends move away.

Basically, your mid 20s is a really unusual time when most of your friends will have similar lifestyles, similar responsibilities and similar priorities, from late 20s onwards, it changes dramatically.

oh, and when DS was 18 months I could easily have helped out with wedding prep for someone, I could easily have found days to go shopping, viewing venues etc, so long as you were prepared to give a bit of notice so I could make sure DH or MIL was available to have DS, it's only really the first 6 months when you can cope with nothing else.

I think that you should step back from her if you can't be excited about her pregnancy. If you had suffered pregnancy losses then it would be understandable, but you haven't so you are being purely selfish.

With the wedding/bridesmaid stuff - she can still be your bridesmaid and be there for you on the day without needing to be at your beck and call for a year beforehand.
I don't really understand this need to 'rely' on someone when you are planning your wedding - you and your husband to be should sort that out. A couple of trips for dress shopping and you are done.

I agree though that this is all about your anxiety - so I would get some more counselling and try to get over yourself a bit before your negativity transmits itself to your friend and you upset her.

Yanbu. It's ok to feel sad and anxious about your friends pregnancy and how it will effect you. I felt the same when my best friend became pregnant, the sudden realisation that nothing would ever be the same again..and that she was part of a special 'mum' world that I wasn't a part of was really difficult.
I had a real moment of clarity when I realised that I could either distance myself or throw myself into it and be the best friend I could be.
Since then I've got a beautiful 'niece' I was at the birth, spent most of a week in hospital with her and the baby when the baby was really sick, and generally try and be lovely and supportive. It's great-I love her baby so much and we are closer than we have ever been.
What you feel is fine but what you DO next is a choice.

I would also ask to move this from AIBU, because there are some really horrible insensitive people on here.

It sounds to me like you're really low and you're very reliant on one particular friend for support and friendship. If you were in a happier place yourself, you would be delighted for her. I'd definitely suggest seeing a counsellor if you can to help you get out of that particular mindset and start to be a bit more optimistic about things.

I'd also suggest sticking by your friend. Having a baby can be very lonely and new mums need all the support they can get. So make sure you still see each other, be understanding of the fact that she may not be able to do all the stuff you used to do, make a big fuss of the baby, all that kind of thing. My best friend had her first baby five years before I had mine, and it did change things a bit because she was going through this whole new experience, but we did stay in touch and carried on seeing each other and have remained as close as ever (and her eldest is now 18).

Also, when my daughter was born, I found I valued the friendship of one childless friend in particular (she's a good deal older than I am) because she has always taken an interest in my daughter, always been complimentary about her and there's been none of this awful competitive stuff that mums get into about whose child was potty trained first, reading first etc.

I think you need to get yourself sorted because there is obviously quite a lot going on in your head, but i truly hope you aren't saying any of that to your friend.

Fair enough to think it but make sure you sensor it for her sake because a lot of it is quite rotten.

I can't really say what i thought when i read that post because it would be unhelpful, maybe head to the doctors about the anxiety though.

I am sorry that your view of motherhood is so dim, you have been sold a pretty shit idea of it i understand not wanting children but your post is something different.
Hope you can find something else in your life that does not rely on other people otherwise you will feel like this a lot as time goes on.

You are not a selfish bitch you are human.

But but but- are you sure you are being truthful about not wanting children?
Methinks the lady doth protest too much! Why are you a member of Mumsnet?

I found your post really sad OP. You seem to have such a negative view of motherhood and such low expectations of your friend as a result. Yes, being a parent is hard, but it also brings unparallelled joy - and you being there for your friend means you can have a chance to share in that. Your assumption that your friend won't need or want you around simply because she is having a baby is so misplaced - if anything she is likely to need you more than ever. It's heartbreaking to be dumped by a friend simply because you have children and they don't - yes, being a parent changes your priorities, but it doesn't make you a different person. Everyone changes as they grow up - why can't you change together?

You sounds desperately unhappy and, as others have said above, it really does sounds as though you should have some counselling to deal with your feelings.

I could have written your post about 10 years ago when my married friends were jumping into the "baby game." I was just about to be married, thought I hated kids b/c of my constant dealings with them with my teaching career, and felt I had better things to do than waste my time with sleepless nights and baby sick on my shoulder. I resented their choices and like the 26 year old brat that I was, thought I knew better than them...

FF a decade later...I have a 4 year old little boy that I absolute adore, and TTC Baby #2.

Not saying you'll change...but life has a funny way of changing.

I agree with featherbag. I had a best friend who, like you, was childless. We had loads in common, had so much fun together, she was my chief bridesmaid etc. It was far more hurtful to be ditched as a friend (despite the fact I still put loads of effort into our friendship and ensured we had girly nights out etc) when I had had DS than it would have been if she'd just distanced herself when I got pregnant. I think she perhaps finds it hard because she'd like to be married with kids, but it hasn't happened for her.

Friendships can work just fine between parents and childfree people, if both parties make an effort. I have a couple of great friends now who are childless - I haven't stopped being an individual with my own hobbies and interests just because I have kids. In fact, I love nothing more than a night out where children are not mentioned!

It sounds like you do have some issues though, which would be well worth addressing before you decide to ditch your friend because of the person you think she is going to become in 6 months' time. She will probably need your friendship more than ever before.

Thank you all very much for replying, I've read (and re-read) all your replies, and I really, really appreciate the sympathy (which I wasn't expecting at all!) and the virtual slaps (which I'm deserving of). My friend gave me a lift into work this morning and it made me realise how much I love her (not just because of the lift!) I want to give back to her what she's given me in being such a supportive, wonderful friend. I've found her news such a massive shock, I hadn't been expecting it at all (not least because she was purposely making me believe she wasn't going to have them for a while).

pictish, it's not really about the dress shopping, I think that's just a metaphor. I'm very lucky (and spoilt you might say) that I have always had her support and unconditional love.

fluffy raggies, I definitely feel the 'slipping down the scale' thing and it does hurt, I suspect this is a large part of it.

merlottis and pedanticpanda - I don't have contempt for motherhood, I really do love being a step mum and aunty (more than I thought I would even). I've seen friends and family suffer from post natal depression which has probably clouded my view of motherhood. I watched my cousins have children and become obsessed with them to the exclusion of a life outside of that, and it was depressing to watch.

cailindana - I think I need to take a long hard look at my view of motherhood (before it is too late). As mentioned, I've seen friends and family really struggle with becoming a mother, and it has really put me off. Mothers don't generally talk about how great it is to be a mother (especially when they are sleep-deprived/sore) so I probably have a biased view. I suspect my friend having her baby will force me into looking at my own beliefs about motherhood and this will make me feel uncomfortable (and possibly jealous). Guess I'll have to suck that up!

cornishsue - you are absolutely right about pre-conceived ideas, if I believe my friendship will fail, it will. It's up to me to support her. I adore being a step mum and aunty.

Jemma111 - you raise a good point. I fear I might become broody if my friend has children and I'll have to face up to my fear of childbirth. I probably am jealous, I am confident she'll be an amazing Mum and get a lot out of being a Mum.

exoticfruit - I am a needy friend. It hurt to hear it as I hate to think of myself as that, but it's true.

perplexedpirate - thank you, you've given me hope.

woofsaidtheladybird - ouch!! How utterly heartbreaking to be dumped by a best friend before her wedding. I suspect she was jealous!

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo - I'm horrified by my reaction, too.

HKat - really interesting to hear you've had similar experiences too. It's funny how people react to pregnancy (and if I get pregnant I imagine I'll have some bad reactions as I've always said I don't want kids!)

awaywego1 - you've hit the nail on the head. I have every intention of being there for her, I realise it is up to me to make this good.

hackmum, spot on. I want to be a great Aunty/support as she has been to me.

I think this has come as a massive shock to me (much much more so than when my sisters/cousins got pregnant) as we are so close, and it has forced me to look at my own beliefs and fears, one of which being that I don't think she'll have time for me any more (I hear some Dads get that fear/jealousy thing too) which is a reflection on me more than anything else.

I know it was a metaphor, and I too used it as such.

I think you are overly reliant on your friend OP.

I think people are being rather harsh on the OP. I can remember being happy for friends who were getting married/having babies at a similar age, but also feeling a sense of loss for how things were going to change. For example, I used to have a weekend away with one close friend every year. That had to stop when she was breastfeeding her children. I don't think it's a selfish reaction really. I think it's a sadness for losing a way of life you liked, the same kind of feeling one gets on the last day of school or university or on the last day of a job - it's the end of an era (also the start of a new one, but things are changing).

I also had a similarly negative view of children at the OP's age. That changed when I hit 30 and I'm now in my mid-30s desperately trying to conceive.

OP, I do think you are being a bit silly about your wedding. How much do you really expect a bridesmaid to do? You and your husband need to choose the venue, see the vicar/registrar and so on. And there is no reason why she couldn't go dress shopping with you with a baby. I hated wedding dress shopping (all the fussing!) and went to one shop with my mum to involve her in the process, one shop with a friend who was on mat leave and brought her baby along and one shop on my own (where I found my dress). So unless you want to be a complete bridezilla about it, her commitment is likely to be a couple of afternoons of dress shopping and perhaps organising the hen night.

Good for you for coming back Op. It sounds like you really do want to think about and change this reaction. Let the shock sink in and yes, work on this. Good luck

Good form OP for coming back and taking the time to write such a considered reply.

I would like to add that I do sympathise with you - I don't have any children myself but for years now I've been surrounded by people having kids, we're up to our eyeballs in neices, nephews and godchildren. And observing parenthood from such close quarters is enormously offputting. It just looks like unrewarding drudgery, and the negative effects on people as you describe are plain to see, plus it's so very hard though to appreciate how that one smile or 'I love you Mummy' makes it all worthwhile when you're not that Mummy.

I have to say though that since my best friend had his DD, I've shifted my view somewhat. I actually feel closer and more enchanted by her than I do my own blood relatives. And it hasn't had any negative impact on our relationship, it has just evolved and grown to include his DD. I hope the same happens with your BF :)