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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this midwife's advice is a little odd (sex with baby in bed with parents)

66 replies

honeytea · 17/10/2012 20:37

Tonight we went to a class for expecting parents. Along with advice on nappy changing and breast feeding the midwife spoke to us about our relationships after the birth. She satrted by saying a huge percentage of parents split up before the child reaches their 4th birthday a little too much doom and gloom for my liking

She encouraged us to start having sex again whilst the baby was still small, she also recomended co-sleeping and said "there is no problem having sex in the bed whilst your baby is sharing the bed with you, the baby will enjoy seeing it's parents close to each other, just make sure you don't scare the baby (not sure what that means, no whips or handcuffs?) and make sure the baby doesn't bounce off the bed"

I was a little shocked, it is my first baby so maybe I am being silly, I don't think there is a wrong or right when it comes to having sex in the room with the baby, but surely the same bed is just not practicle, also the way she said the baby would enjoy watching seemed odd to me.

I am British but living in Sweden so maybe it is a cultural thing, or maybe it is just me. AIBU to be a little supprised by this advice?

OP posts:

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 18/10/2012 08:55

Yes, that's the one I have. Or as my husband renamed it 'directions to the divorce courts'.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 18/10/2012 08:57

Have you got the Swedish version too? It has a lot more info in it than the English version.

Fairylea · 18/10/2012 09:08

Personally I think the one thing that kills relationships after a baby is sleep deprivation. And unrealistic expectations of sleep with a newborn.

You only have to look through threads on here to see the same topics come up... "my (young) baby won't sleep through" (well no they don't generally).."my dh wants to / doesn't want to do controlled crying / co sleep / feed the baby McDonalds to get it to sleep"... "I'm too tired to eat let alone have sex"...

Lack of sleep is the main issue. I nearly killed my husband when ds was small. But if you can learn to think this will pass and try and think of it as a short term thing it gets better. Unless you are unlucky and have a non sleeper !!!!

Hullygully · 18/10/2012 09:12

BUPPY........................!!

YouOldSlag · 18/10/2012 09:12

No, we used the sofa, couldn't do it with the baby in the bed, a bit too communal.

DP and I had occasional very gentle, spooning, sleepy, silent sex with DS in the bed- TMI- it's like I'm in there with you and I'm trying to eat my breakfast!

Original poster

honeytea · 18/10/2012 09:13

'directions to the divorce courts' I do have the Swedish one but I havn't read it yet... I should do really as i only have 7 weeks left but I'm dyslexic so reading in English is hard and reading in Swedish makes me go to sleep, maybe I will ask my DP to read it and then tell me the general message :)

Fairylea thanks for the this will pass advice :) I hardly sleep now and I was a really good sleeper before I became pregnant, do you get your ability to sleep back? I miss sleeping for more than 2/3 hours and we don't even have a baby yet!

OP posts:

MrsReiver · 18/10/2012 09:17

Sex in bed while the baby sleeps on the other side of the bed doesn't bother me at all. BTDT

The "baby will enjoy seeing it's parents close to each other" bit though - that's a bit much.

Fairylea · 18/10/2012 09:19

Well I've been extremely lucky with both my babies and by 4 months they slept 6.30-6.30 but others aren't so lucky!! But I don't think it's anything I did... I think you either have a sleeper or you don't!.. I do the whole routine thing (dark room, no talking in the night, bottle in a chair by the cot with baby in the sleeping bag getting cosy, then put to bed etc).. and controversially I put both mine into their own rooms at 6 weeks. I know you're not supposed to for sids advice but it works for us. My older child is now 9 years old and has always slept through even when poorly.

But ds was a helllish sleeper for the first 6 weeks. Literally up every hour for hours at a time. It was awful and that was only 6 weeks !!!! I can't imagine what it's like long term as some people struggle with.

You'll be fine :) just don't try to do too much and eat lots to boost your energy !

PropertyNightmare · 18/10/2012 09:30

Quiet sex whilst a baby is asleep in the bed or a cot next to the bed, i've no problem with that. A super king bed and you are nowhere near the baby as it sleeps anyway. I wouldn't do it with a baby awake though, no way. It is important to maintain a happy, close relationship after the birth of a baby.

PerfectStranger74 · 18/10/2012 09:36

I coslept with my 3and had sex with them in the bed. If I'd tried moving them there would be no way sex would be no the menu from then! Let sleeping babies lie!! :-)

PerfectStranger74 · 18/10/2012 09:36

I coslept with my 3and had sex with them in the bed. If I'd tried moving them there would be no way sex would be no the menu from then! Let sleeping babies lie!! :-)

WitchesTit · 18/10/2012 09:43

Not bothered. Didn't families used to all share one big bed? How did the little brothers and sisters get made in those days?
The bit about babies "enjoying it" was probably bad phrasing.

I would have said that you shouldn't be freaked if the baby wakes up while you're doing it, the sight of you won't be seared onto its eyeballs.

aufaniae · 18/10/2012 10:04

I think the advice that the baby might enjoy it is a bit OTT!

Having sex in bed while the baby is asleep is totally normal IMO.

And if the baby happens to wake up and catches you at it (ours never did) I would agree that all it would see is its parents being close together. I think it might have sounded a bit better if she'd phrased it like that!

However I think most people would feel a but odd having sex in the bed while the baby was actually awake, wouldn't they? Not that it would scar them as such, but certainly off-putting!

Vagndidit · 18/10/2012 10:13

Hell, DH and I would escape to the guest room when DS was still sleeping in ours.

Who the hell can get in the mood when a child is snoring cooing nearby?

PeshwariNaan · 18/10/2012 10:39

TBH there's not enough room in our bed even pre-baby - we have a double bed. I think co-sleeping the baby with both of us in there would be dangerous, so sex is right out. I suppose if you have a gigantic California King Size bed (which I don't think would even fit in English bedrooms) you could probably manage sex. I'd prefer to put baby in his/ her own cot, though.

valiumredhead · 18/10/2012 10:51

I think she phrased it oddly but in essence it doesn't make me go ewwwwww at all.

Wrt eating her baby's snot - she sucked it out when they had colds using her mouth? No biggy imo, I have done it, anything for a peaceful night's sleep

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