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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this midwife's advice is a little odd (sex with baby in bed with parents)

66 replies

honeytea · 17/10/2012 20:37

Tonight we went to a class for expecting parents. Along with advice on nappy changing and breast feeding the midwife spoke to us about our relationships after the birth. She satrted by saying a huge percentage of parents split up before the child reaches their 4th birthday a little too much doom and gloom for my liking

She encouraged us to start having sex again whilst the baby was still small, she also recomended co-sleeping and said "there is no problem having sex in the bed whilst your baby is sharing the bed with you, the baby will enjoy seeing it's parents close to each other, just make sure you don't scare the baby (not sure what that means, no whips or handcuffs?) and make sure the baby doesn't bounce off the bed"

I was a little shocked, it is my first baby so maybe I am being silly, I don't think there is a wrong or right when it comes to having sex in the room with the baby, but surely the same bed is just not practicle, also the way she said the baby would enjoy watching seemed odd to me.

I am British but living in Sweden so maybe it is a cultural thing, or maybe it is just me. AIBU to be a little supprised by this advice?

OP posts:
ChickenFillet · 17/10/2012 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EasilyBored · 17/10/2012 21:08

I was going to post a reasonable comment along the lines of 'tiny baby wont notice, so can't really see the issue'.

And then I saw the thing about the snot.

And then I vommed.

And then I died a little, inside.

Original poster
honeytea · 17/10/2012 21:10

The bit that really made me Shock was the baby enjoying or being scared by the sex, I would say that if a child is old enough to have an emotional reaction to sex they probably shouldn't see sex, what it the baby starts crying and milk starts coming out, I don't think I could really get in the mood.

Personally I think I'd have very quiet gentle sex with the baby in his side car cot if he was asleep but I just thought it was odd advice to have sex baring in mind the baby's enjoyment.

OP posts:
5madthings · 17/10/2012 21:18

well a sleeping baby wont be aware so wont be enjoying it or be scared by it! and its one of those things that sometimes happens if you are co-sleeping etc.

her comments about the baby enjoying it are odd and eating snot [boak]

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 17/10/2012 22:10

EEEW! Im all for eating boogers, but only my own! Eating someone elses boogers is just wrong!

surroundedbyblondes · 17/10/2012 22:15

Blimey, where did you go honeytea? In 2 years in Sweden I've met loads of other mums and shared gossip on most subjects but no-one I know has admitted to that. Write her off as a looney!

MichaelaS · 17/10/2012 22:48

bleeeurgh!

i was going to post to say that yes we had sex with DS2 in our bed, we are cosleeping, DS was fast asleep andit was a rare weekend when DS1 was at the grandparents so rare opportunity - but DH found DS2's presence a bit distracting!

but then I saw the snot bit.

tonight i was putting my 3.5 year old to bed. he was chewing something. i asked him to spit it out, then hada loo to see what it was. With triumphant glee he shouted "its a snot!!!" and then refused to go to sleep for half an hour whislt he bounced around shouting "a snot, a snot, its a snot!"

boys!

WizardofOs · 17/10/2012 22:52

I teach antenatal classes. It is true that a shocking number of couples split up after becoming parents. I am sure sex is just one factor and I make no comment re sex with baby in bed in a class unless asked about it (which funnily enough has never happened). I don't teach in Sweden though!

The holding the baby as if a real baby is what a lot of antenatal educators do. It is helps 'make the baby real' rather than a concept. I don't do this either because it makes me feel like a bit of a twat but I am sure this is my own issue!

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 17/10/2012 23:00

I'm also pregnant in Sweden and am a bit shocked at the wording of some of the advice being given. The midwife gave me a book about pregnancy which I've been reading. The section for expectant fathers goes on and on about not being an apendage mother, stand up for yourself, do not let the mother take charge, you have equal say in decisions, make sure you're heard etc. While I agree with the principle of what it's trying to say, it's worded very aggressively and seems to be encouraging confrontation. Very strange.

Firawla · 17/10/2012 23:08

yanbu - weird advice and wtf at baby will enjoy watching
not even sure why she needs to give advice on this as most people will be able to work things out for themselves
easier just to go to a different room, children nearby is really off putting

Bogeyface · 17/10/2012 23:13

The snot thing is quite common in Jamaican families, H is Jamaican and his mum did snot sucking. Makes me heave thinking about it, and him tbh, but its no worse than anything else really. And I suppose sex with a baby in the bed is no different to sex with the baby in a bedside cot, except in our heads. Not sure I would do it though.

I remember years ago, when our babies were tiny (they are now almost 16), my best friend breast fed. She was struggling a bit and got in touch with a support group, might have been LLL, and she got a local mentor, who was frankly CRACKERS! BF rang me after seeing her and talked about how the woman went on about having sex when you are BF as some women go off it and it can be damaging to the relationship. I said that I thought that was fine, after all you can BF for a long time and doing without sex for 6 months, a year, 2 years seemed unnecessary, and that you can just keep boobs as a no go area until the baby is wearned. No, said friend, she meant whilst breastfeeding, as in, the baby is latched on at the front and your old man is giving it rizz from the back. She was even given details about how you lie on your side with the baby on the breast so your old man can get his old man into your old lady! Shock

She didnt see her again and managed on her own!

Karoleann · 17/10/2012 23:23

No, that is very odd.
It is odd anyway having your small baby in bed with you when either of you could squash it.
It is even more odd to suggest that your baby may enjoy watching you have sex. Maybe you misunderstood that bit?
Best is to have your baby in your room in a moses basket and then still have sex, they won't notice at all. In fact they won't notice much unless they are hungry.

Inneedofbrandy · 17/10/2012 23:32

YY yes my dc Jamaican grandmas have both sucked snot up when they've had colds as babies.

It amazes me people telling you to have sex let alOne the how whys and where's. Sofa sex is great anyway Wink

Fakebook · 17/10/2012 23:34

I've heard of people sucking bogies out of babies noses. Yuck. Also heard of people biting their baby's hand and toe nails.

Nothing wrong with having sex in the same bed as a sleeping baby. I think the woman may have meant that the baby will enjoy seeing the parents together in the same bed for snuggles or feeling safe or something? I know my dd used to love being in the same bed and snuggling in-between us. DS does too. I really don't think she meant the baby will enjoy watching his parents have sex Hmm

foreverondiet · 17/10/2012 23:35

TBH even the baby in the crib put me off agree passion killer, every time s/he sniffs etc, even when the DC were still sharing our room we generally put them in their cot in their own room etc.

But each to their own don't think it would do sleeping baby any harm. Ewww to awake baby though.

blueshoes · 17/10/2012 23:36

I would really struggle to take advice about relationships and post-baby sex from a midwife, much less a bonkers one. How very intrusive (pun) and patronising.

I already had issues with the health visitor asking about what contraception I was using to prevent another pregnancy.

I just smile and don't say a word.

DowagersHump · 17/10/2012 23:36

I worked with a bloke once who told me that his wife was truly a great mother because she sucked the snot out of their babies. He was appalled when I told him I had a snot sucking device

Inneedofbrandy · 17/10/2012 23:37

I bit babies nails till they were not babie babies anymore. Your not supposed to cut a newborns nails with scissors or clippers, and you can't let them scratch themselves either.

Fakebook · 17/10/2012 23:39

No, it's actually advised NOT to bite babies nails as it can cause an infection. Newborn nail scissors are sold for a reason.

Inneedofbrandy · 17/10/2012 23:45

Well 7 and 5 years ago that wasn't the case.

Bogeyface · 18/10/2012 00:16

It was Ineed I was told that when I had DS 21 years ago and DD 15 years ago.

Hand foot and mouth is a virulent infection and the HV told me thats why they dont advise it. Infact she told me to not do anything about their nails at all as they are usually very soft and will sort themselves out. 6 kids later and I have never needed to cut a nail!

lovebunny · 18/10/2012 00:20

"don't wock my bed!"
grumpy instruction from breastfed co-sleeping toddler with slight lisp c. 1984.

NapOfTheDamned · 18/10/2012 02:06

God,the entire reason DS was in bed with us was because we were sleep deprived loons who could barely put our socks on without bursting into tears of exhaustion. Sex? When in a bed? Hah ah ha.

Fakebook · 18/10/2012 07:30

5 years ago I was told to peel Dd's nails gently, as baby nails are so soft. I couldn't because she had tough nails from day one, so I used nail cutting scissors. DS had softer nails and I peeled them for about 6 Weeks. Now I cut them but can still peel his toenails.

Original poster
honeytea · 18/10/2012 08:46

Surroundedbyblondes it was a class organised by my midwives practise, I think all Swedes get 2 classes and this was in the after birth class, it was in English but the midwife was Swedish.

It seems that it is common for have sex with your co-sleeping baby in Sweden, www.thelocal.se/41448/20120614/ it doesn't say anythig about the baby enjoying it or being scared though, that must have been the midwife's own opinion.

Flaminnora the advice is worded in an odd way isn't it, have you read the "having a baby" booklet? I read it when I was about 7 weeks pregnant and it frightened me saying how our relationship will be challenged and I would become emotuinal and my DP might not be attracted to me anymore.

OP posts: