PILs want to move 3 doors down....I'm not keen on the idea, but don't know why: AIBU?

[pjd]

Never done an AIBU before....feeling nervous!!

PILs were recently flooded for the second time in five years. They live in a fairly remote village and want to move nearer to us, we are in a town. So far so good, seems sensible to me. A house has gone up for sale in our small cul de sac. They want to buy it. There is no reason why they shouldn't. They are nice people. They are respectful of our privacy. They are great with the kids. But I don't want them to live in our street and can't even explain why. I think I probably am being unreasonable and unfair, but I am feeling that this is our street, our life, and it feels like a bit of an invasion.

I am fully prepared to be flamed here, or maybe for someone to offer some insight into why I am feeling like this.

I haven't read all the replies but YANBU.

My MIL lives 3 doors down the road from myself & DH. We moved in, she already lived here.

At first we put in some pretty strict rules - you're welcome in our home but u must phone first before coming round - no just popping in!! We will obviously show the same respect for ur home.

Now this is where the problem lies - she respects the please just don't pop in rule, but dh quite often gets calls - please can u fix this. And it's expected to be fixed now, whereas when we lived a 10min drive away it was please can u fix this when u have a moment.
If he says he can't, Mil gets in a strop, then he has to suffer her "stroppyness" until he does the job.

My immediate reaction to u op, is that it may be fine for a bit, but as lovely as they are, it can feel like u live with them at times, & it's defiantly affected my relationship with mil, I'd never live so close again. For us it was the only property really available to us, but we hope to move in the next 5yrs, so fingers crossed it'll improve after that.

Good luck to u.

This happened on our street when my neighbour's in-laws decided to buy a house a couple of doors down. Worse, they did it as a surprise, so hadn't told them until moving day.

Within 3 months the couple had their house on the market. The in-laws still live on the street, but the couple live about 20 minutes away.

Maybe you should start house-hunting?

Karma. "Also, think about what will happen if you need to move house in the future. Are they going to hold it against you, if they've moved there specially. Or will they guilt trip you into not moving away.

^^ this happened/is happening to us.

My parents moved into our street from a different part of the country. We had popping in problems, privacy problems (like when you want to say you're out and they'll know you're not cos your car's there!) etc etc. Mum got very used to telling me she saw me do this or that as she was 'just passing'. Or arriving unannounced and being all cats bum faced about me being in the middle of a douvet day. She just got used to 'knowing' everything.

I've split with my H since then and my dad has passed away. I moved round the corner when i divorced and even when that was all kicking off badly and me and the kids needed any kind of roof over our heads and i had to look for a bolthole for us in a hurry my mum was whittling about 'don't go too far'!!

Things are settled now but every time moving house again is mentioned i get the guilt trip.

Rant over. Must get to grips with this!

I actually feel sorry for my in laws. DP's sister moved across the road from their parents a few years ago. Poor in laws couldnt do anything or go anywhere without sil trying to tag along or give them the 3rd degree.

Her kids were always at in laws house, feeding them, picking them up from school. Its not too bad now as the kids are now adults but it has turned into the inlaws having sil's bloody dogs dumped on them.

If sil runs out of something (food wise) instead of popping to the local shop she would just turn up at in laws and get the item from them (never to be returned).

DP always used to get phone calls "have you got the hedge trimmer? where is the jack for the car? have you got the extension lead?" we never had the items, sil's exh (when he still lived there) used to raid the garage when the inlaws were out and never returned anything. Inlaws took the garage key off them in the end.

I actually feel sorry for them, they most probably love it but I cant see the benefits for them.

My PILs live in next street to me and it works fine. But everyone has to be very strict on boundaries...my PILs are lovely and kind and so this has been no problem as they instinctively get this. Absolutely no dropping round or popping in of any kind by any of us ever!! Always phone and arrange a visit just as if we lived miles away. Also everyone must ignore anything they see or hear at the other house unless you are specifically informed of it. For example, my MIL was single for a number of years. Sometimes she would have overnight guests which we were aware of as we could see cars parked outside etc but it would never ever be mentioned by any of us unless she specifically said 'I had x to stay last week' or whatever. Even when she met and got engaged to her now husband we had to feign complete surprise when she told us she was seeing him! So as long as everyone can play by the rules it's fine. Also lovely for DCs as they get different relationship with GPs as they grow up...less about formal visits to grandma and more about being employed to cut gran's grass and clean her car for extra money!

My mum lived on the top floor of our house which had been converted into a self-contained flat. The way to deal with it is have firm boundaries. Mum was brilliant and didn't take advantage, and we responded in kind. So we all got along very well.

The key is respect for each other's privacy. I think you could have a chat with them about it without it being confrontational or negative. Can you approach them in a thoughtful manner?

This is a collaboration you are after where there could be problems on both sides. It is quite possible that they haven't thought of the possible cons of being so close to you, and are focusing only on the pros. Introduce some of the potential difficulties that they might have being so close to you, ways in which you could overstep the mark. Hopefully, this will lead to a sensible discussion about both families' behaviour towards each other, and draw some lines.

I agree that it will only work if you get on very well with them now as if not then it could get worse living in such close proximity.

In our case, having lived next door to each other for so long, we don't really give it much thought. We still lead very individual, separate lives. A few years ago I worked in the same building as my MIL and one day it occurred to me that I hadn't actually seen her for 3 weeks! Sounds impossible but true. We see lots of each other but it's on our respective terms iykwim. I do see lots more of them during the week now MIL is retired but certainly when she was working full time it was only at weekends, and only then if neither parties had other plans.

With regards to being responsible for my inlaws when they become older, that would be the case regardless of where we lived. DH is an only child so the caring will be left to us anyway, so living next door can only be more of a convenience than living further apart.

I do feel a little sad that we won't ever live anywhere else, it would break MILs heart if we moved. DH doesnt want to live elsewhere anyway but I still dream of a barn conversion somewhere. However, as I said before, the benefits of our set up far outweigh the pit falls.

Thanks for all the responses.
DH has spent much of today thinking about this, and is less keen on the idea now, perhaps now that the novelty has worn off and he has started to think about what it would be like on a day to day basis. MIL is a real worrier and would probably be concerned if one of us wasn't home at our usual time - so it's not so much that she would be interfering, more that we would have to consider them more in our daily comings and goings.
They can afford to buy this house outright, they don't need to wait to sell their current house. This would mean plunging all their savings into the new house, which does really go against their usually cautious nature, but they are desperate to get away from their village as it could certainly flood again. I have been looking today at other, similar houses, but further away (still only 10 mins walk from us, which would be fine!), and DH is going to pass the details on to FIL, so we'll see what happens.