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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs want to move 3 doors down....I'm not keen on the idea, but don't know why: AIBU?

58 replies

pjd · 17/10/2012 20:01

Never done an AIBU before....feeling nervous!!

PILs were recently flooded for the second time in five years. They live in a fairly remote village and want to move nearer to us, we are in a town. So far so good, seems sensible to me. A house has gone up for sale in our small cul de sac. They want to buy it. There is no reason why they shouldn't. They are nice people. They are respectful of our privacy. They are great with the kids. But I don't want them to live in our street and can't even explain why. I think I probably am being unreasonable and unfair, but I am feeling that this is our street, our life, and it feels like a bit of an invasion.

I am fully prepared to be flamed here, or maybe for someone to offer some insight into why I am feeling like this.

OP posts:
RawShark · 17/10/2012 20:33

COuld you ask your DH how he would feel if your parents moved in? (tactfully of course). Or could you say you are concerned they won;t get any peace from the kids if they are so close......

Or could you suggest maybe a bungalow instead so they are thinking ahead to older age and do some research and find one an acceptable distance away?

Mintyy · 17/10/2012 20:34

Quite understand ... I literally couldn't stand this.

MamaBear17 · 17/10/2012 20:37

I would hate it too! I know my parents and my inlaws would be constantly popping in and it would drive me mad. We once gave our inlaws an emergency key and returned home from shopping one day to find that they had let themselves in and were mowing our lawn! No, no, no, NO!!! Needless to say, they do not have a key now!

Laquitar · 17/10/2012 20:39

Since they are nice i see the benefits:

Babysitting

Food and baking Wink

Good for dcs

Good for parcels when you are at work. For letting in a workman etc

You will know all the gossip.

You will dominate the street Grin

Twiceover · 17/10/2012 20:42

YANBU. My granny, a very wise woman, says "You should always have to put on your hat and coat to visit family". Although people don't habitually wear hats anymore but I think it's still a good point. Not nice to be in each other's pockets. Hopefully they won't have their offer accepted and it will all blow over without you having to say anything.

Original poster
pjd · 17/10/2012 20:54

NotQuint - I think you're right, and I am overreacting.
Chickenfillet - there is nothing specific that makes me think they would be interfering in our lives, it's just that the idea gives me an uncomfortable feeling.
Rawshark - I have suggested a bungalow, but MIL is determined to get a house, think she is scared of future flooding, and wants an upstiars to escape to (though obviously they will not be buying a house with even a remote risk of flooding, so this doesn't make sense to me!!)
I think I will just have to accept this is probably going to happen, and ensure I focus on the positives rather than any potential negatives.

OP posts:
NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 17/10/2012 20:57

Although, I agree and concede that my interest in my neighbour is not to be compared to your inlaws and their interest in Your Lives...

RawShark · 17/10/2012 20:59

Just relax and enjoy the babysitting. As others have said, stick to the boundaries though- even nice people step over them whilst meaning to help.....

julieann42 · 17/10/2012 21:02

Much as a like my inlaws if they moved into my street I would be moving out! Mine currently live abroad but occasionally threaten moving closer to us and SIL and even then I would move along way from my sister in law so I wasn't so accessible! YANBU

Ephiny · 17/10/2012 21:03

YANBU, I wouldn't like it either.

Difficult for you to say anything though. Does your DH understand your point of view? How would he feel if it was your parents?

nokidshere · 17/10/2012 21:04

My MIL lives next door to us. She has lived here for 6 years ( at my suggestion) and does not interfere in our lives at all. The children love having her next door. We used to see her every 6 weeks or so but now they see her daily and spend quite a bit of time with her which is obviously a bonus for us.

And in all that time she has never come uninvited into our house, she doesn't even come when we do invite her!!!!! She listens to me ranting about her son when we have had a row and nods/murmurs sagely in all the right places and does the same for him if he needs to moan about me which obviously is much less haha. She doesn't get involved at all love her.

I suppose it depends on what type of people your in-laws are but it can work really well.

OhThisIsJustGrape · 17/10/2012 21:09

I have lived next door to my inlaws for over 14yrs and it's fine. Honestly.

I found it tough when I first moved in - I was only 19, DH and I hadn't been together all that long so I didn't really know his parents. It was purely a case that a house came up in DH's village and he wanted to live there. I was keen to get out of the town I lived in so agreed to move.

MIL did pop in unannounced initially but she caught me coming out of the shower in just a towel once and although I was polite, the look on my face no doubt said it all and she never did it again.

I didn't really appreciate living next door to them until we had children. Babysitter on tap (or at least when her hectic retired-person social life allows!), MIL will do the school run if I have a poorly DC at home to save me dragging them out, she takes parcels in for me, and now the kids are older they just run across the driveway to her house when they want to see her :). MIL often cooks Sunday lunch for us all and we eat it in our dining room as it's bigger, I love this! We often get parcels of cakes etc left on the doorstep too. We don't have to kennel the dog when we go away as they feed/walk him and let him out for us.

Downsides are, I learned in the early days that I couldn't just storm off in the car after rowing with DH as she would ring and ask what had happened. She obviously does see all our comings and goings but doesn't pry. MIL is also a bugger for noticing DH getting back from work and phoning the second he walks through the door to ask him something - no prob with this but wish she'd give him 5 mins to say hi to kids etc.

The pros far outweigh the cons but I have a very, very good and easy relationship with my inlaws. I love the fact the children see them as an extension of us in many ways and as a result they are extremely close to their grandparents. I couldn't live here if we weren't close as I would see it as an invasion of my privacy. I lost my own mum 3 months after moving here so in many ways I have benefitted greatly from having MIL on hand.

SavoyCabbage · 17/10/2012 21:16

I would like it if my dc could walk over to their grandparents house but like Only said, if they started talking about my bins I couldn't manage. I had a friend like this. She used to talk about where I parked at school and if I said I was going to buy milk she would say 'I thought you only got milk two days ago' so I would then find myself justifying it. It really started to affect me. I was on edge.

Narked · 17/10/2012 21:33

I couldn't stand that.

I love my parents, but if they tried to move into the same street I'd move. If my ILs tried it DH said he'd buy the house inbetween and turn it into a mine field.

Narked · 17/10/2012 21:34

A 5 minutes walk from you would have the benefits without the drawbacks.

BlueSkySinking · 17/10/2012 22:16

find them a better house slightly further away?

DeadQODy · 17/10/2012 22:20

We've had a family member of DHs move very close ..... They can see our house at the bottom of the cul de sac. Nightmare. Dh has now had to actually tell them to back off as the 5 little pop in visits a week were too much ....

CaptainVonTrapp · 17/10/2012 22:20

Rather you than me.

The fact they think it would be ok is enough to make me concerned.

Horsemad · 17/10/2012 22:39

My inlaws live across from me and I hate it! It took years before they stopped popping in - it got so bad that I had an almighty row with them and no longer speak. Solved the problem of them just strolling in though!!

DappyHays · 18/10/2012 00:20

My friend's mum moved in three doors up from her. Though she does have a babysitter on tap, her mother drives her batty. Though saying that her mum has a second home abroad and managed to drive my pal batty from a distance too!

inchoccyheaven · 18/10/2012 00:30

I think it all depends on your relationship and whether you think they will suddenly take to popping over whenever they feel like etc because you are so close.
My mum lives round the corner and we only see her a handful of times a year because that's the kind of relationship we have,whereas if my sis lived near my mum I could guarentee she would be in and out all the time because that's the kind of relationship they have.
My in laws are retired but live busy lives so if they were to live close ( only in next village now) we still wouldn't see them much more as we all do our own thing. Although if they did live in same street it would save me having to describe to them over the phone what they had done wrong with the hd recorder yet again as I could pop in and sort it out straight away Grin

HansieMom · 18/10/2012 00:55

Really they should get a one story house as it is easier for older people.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 18/10/2012 01:00

Nbu AT ALL!! I objected to my MIL buying a place in even the same country as we live in LOL!

fedupofnamechanging · 18/10/2012 07:21

Also, think about what will happen if you need to move house in the future. Are they going to hold it against you, if they've moved there specially. Or will they guilt trip you into not moving away.

When they are old, will you be the one who is made responsible for their wellbeing due to proximity? You many or may not mind this, but it's worth thinking about, regardless.

If this does go ahead, then start as you mean to go on, wrt setting up boundaries. If nothing else, leave your doors locked, and don't give them a key, so they can't just let themselves into your house.

SugariceAndScary · 18/10/2012 07:30

First things first OP.

Can they afford to move without worrying about the sale of their current house?
Who will want to buy a house that may flood again in the future?

This move may not even happen.