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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irrational parent at school

36 replies

KaleidoscopeHeart · 17/10/2012 09:27

First post so apologies if it is in the wrong place. To cut a long story short my DD had a small gathering for her birthday last year (3 children). A parent at school at around this time stopped talking to me. I found out it was because her DD was not one of the three. Our daughters are not that friendly so I was very surprised. I tried repeatedly to talk to her, emailed her etc to try to resolve this but was constantly rebuffed and was told to stay out of her way (by her). All very awkward as we are a small school, but life goes on.

All fine, have managed to avoid her, until now. We have a night out planned with some other mothers - (some who I know well, others not so well) and we are both invited. What should I do? I feel it is unfair to go and make others feel awkward, but my friends say that if I don't go "she has won".

What should I do? As I have done nothing wrong I feel I should go, but I care enough about my friends to not want to put them in an awkward position. But if I don't go is this letting her think her behaviour is acceptable?

OP posts:
LFCisTarkaDahl · 17/10/2012 09:28

You go, you say hello to her, when rebuffed you shrug and go and talk to someone else.

Catsdontcare · 17/10/2012 09:30

You should go, when you see her say a breezy hello how you doing and then leave it at that. She will be the one that looks pathetic if she creates an atmosphere.

Brycie · 17/10/2012 09:30

Yes do go. How awful she has made you feel. I hope she doesn't try to make it unpleasant for you. It shouldn't be a consolation but she must be really unhappy to behave so badly. I mean, who does that? It's weird.

pictish · 17/10/2012 09:31

Why did she think her dd should be invited? Confused

Not that it matters - of course you should go on the night out. Are you really going to sit out of social occasions forever more, over a children's party?

It's not even you with the beef! I can't believe you're even considering not going!

lannyshrops · 17/10/2012 09:31

It's her bloody problem, not yours! She is BVU you on the other hand look like you have shown adult maturity in comparison to her apparent childishness! . Go out and have a good time. If anything is said deal with it in a rational and adult manner!

amistillsexy · 17/10/2012 09:31

You go. If she has a problem, she should be the one to stay at home sulking .

Brycie · 17/10/2012 09:31

I mean who tells another mother to "stay out of my way"?! Nutcake.

maillotjaune · 17/10/2012 09:31

Go, don't make a big deal of it. If she does then she will look silly but that's not your problem.

Unless there is more to this I can't see what the problem is. Smile

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/10/2012 09:32

Definitely go on the night out, and behave as you would if this had never happen. It's her issue, not yours. Let it stay that way. It shouldn't affect the way that you are, although I know that's easier said than done.

If anyone notices that there is a problem between you and you get asked, then just be honest. You think there was a misunderstanding because you invited three children over, hers wasn't one of them and she seems to be offended that her child was excluded. Other people will think she is a loon, because they clearly aren't freaking out at you because their PFB wasn't invited, which shows the unreasonable behaviour is hers alone. You can say tat you have tried to explain if you need to, but that you haven't been given the chance.

There is every chance that if you behave as if nothing's happened then loon woman will forget about it. And if not, there will be enough other people there to dilute it.

WereTricksPotter · 17/10/2012 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeHeart · 17/10/2012 09:33

Thank you for responses, they have made me feel so much better. You are all right, I should go. I can always leave it things are too awkward.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 17/10/2012 09:33

YOu go you say HI to her and then speak to the people you know and like, this woman is obviously offended this may never be resolved and she will never like you as long as you are civil when you have to come into contact with her then that is all you can do,

MY dd is nearly 20 and when we were at playgroup I picked up the wrong jacket and took it home it was a sunny day , I discovered it wasn't DD so took it back next playgroup day, and the mother came and snatched it off me and threw dds jacket at me THIS IS YOURS SHE said, ,

Now remember our daughters are nearly 20 went to primary and high school together, every time she sees me the mother sneers and has never spoken to me again Shock

SugariceAndScary · 17/10/2012 09:34

Go on the night out, you'll be with friends so enjoy it.

Ignore her if she ignores you.

CrunchyFrog · 17/10/2012 09:35

I have a tried and tested technique (several women I know Disapprove of me in general.)

I pretend I haven't noticed. I Grin at them, ask a million questions, am bright and breezy.

It drives them mad. Ahahahaha. And then I flick the vicks at them when they're not looking, stupid judgemental cowbags.

Ohsiena · 17/10/2012 09:38

Don't go. Arrange a night it with women you actually like and go to that instead, or you'll spend hours agonising over this, be conscious of it all night on the night out and then spend hours after dissecting/bitching with other mothers about what you've all heard and who is in the right.

It's a school gate thing.
The best of us have been dragged down into it and it can be torturous.

My advice is drop your kids off, don't get involved in gate conversations, don't join the PTA, remain onlivious to the gossip and just make and maintain real friendships away from the school gate/mums night outs.

Catsdontcare · 17/10/2012 09:38

Oh yes kill her with kindness!

Original poster
KaleidoscopeHeart · 17/10/2012 09:40

Ohsiena - I agree with what you have said too! I am so torn. And I am worrying about it now and it is not for several weeks.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 17/10/2012 09:43

She does sound irrational. But do you think she realised that there were only three kids invited? Maybe she thought the whole class, apart from her dd, were asked?

EnjoyVampirebloodResponsibly · 17/10/2012 09:44

To be honest, I wouldn't have bothered with all the reconciliation attempts you've made. You made a decision who to invite, stand by that. Leave her to sulk or whatever on her own. Pandering to her victim status just keeps the whole thing alive.

Go to the party, be nice but don't overdo it. Don't get into a debate over the party when you've had a couple of drinks.

aldiwhore · 17/10/2012 09:45

Practice the polite smiles and small talk so that no one could ever accuse you of ignoring her. Then ignore her.

It's rather easy to zone people out in a larger gathering, but if you can't don't get wound up, just ENJOY the fact that you've got her measure.

I still have to socialise (sort of) with a mum who I overheard absolutely slating me (I rang her for something PTA related, she obviously thought she'd switched her phone off), telling a group of people I know that I'd done 'nothing' for the upcoming PTA event... I was stood their in my overalls, painting the damn set!! I told her I'd overheard. A year on, we are polite, no one else thinks what she said was true (as they saw the results of my labour!) and she just comes across as foolish.

There is always the option of backing away from school completely, and there's nothing wrong with that if that's you free choice, but don't do it solely to avoid this mother, because that's cutting your nose off to spite your face.

I enjoy the PTA, I like most of the mums I know. I also had to learn how to handle the inevitable playground politics. They're similar to office politics, and you would rarely leave your job for one idiot.

pictish · 17/10/2012 09:46

Yes...did she think her dd was the only one left out?? I can see no other reason for her madness surrounding this total non issue.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeHeart · 17/10/2012 09:47

Starfishmummy Yes I did explain how many children as soon as I realised why she stopped talking to me, thinking this would resolve the situation.

OP posts:
Ohsiena · 17/10/2012 09:47

Honestly do you have friends that you genuinely like and that like you and that you have a good time with? Go out with them. Just them.

These mums nights out things seem so terribly important to be included in when kids first start school, but really they're just a crock of shite that inevitably end up in in group/out group agonising (such as this) and gossip mongering afterwards.

Most of us realise this by the time the younger kids start school I'm just trying to give you a headstartGrin.

The School gate turns us back into grim preteen girls for a short period of time for some reason .

RyleDup · 17/10/2012 09:50

I would go, smile, say hello in a really friendly way and then go and talk to someone else. If you remain reasonable, regardless of what she says, she will look like and feel like a twat. Killing with kindness is a great approach.

RyleDup · 17/10/2012 09:52

Very true ohsiena. The school gates do turn you back into a child, at least for a while, until you get to grips with it. I wonder why that is.