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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this friend is weird?

63 replies

Iodine · 15/10/2012 13:10

Yesterday we went for a 8 mile walk with a group of friends and afterwards a couple invited everyone around for a takeaway. They told us to come around at 8 to give everyone a chance to shower and warm up.

At 10 to 8 we got a call asking of we were still coming and telling us to hurry up- we could've been there much sooner but were hanging around till 8 to let them get ready.

When we arrived they had already listed the food they wanted us all to order. 5 dishes for 8 people (4 big men who eat a lot!). I persuaded them to put another dish on as it was no way enough but caught the wife having a huge rant at her husband as it would put the price up (about 50p per person) and she didn't want to pay. They are by no means hard up. Both have v. good jobs and are off on a 2 week safari next month.

When the chinese said it would be a long wait she had a massive rant that we should have ordered sooner- we ordered it as soon as we had walked in the door at 8!!!

She also made a HUGE deal about saying that she doesn't eat much and therefore we wouldn't need much food. When the takeaway arrived she hogged the best dish, eating pretty much all of it and generously helped herself while everyone else awkwardly took tiny amounts. She said she thinks any leftovers are just waste (in my house we just eat any the next day for lunch) as they just throw them away. We all would've happily taken them home!

We have had big ishoos with her and money in the past. She is happy to spend huge amounts of money on herself but is very penny pinching in group situations. She once invited us to the cinema, arrived half an hour earlier than planned and then refused to help us out (seats get allocated so we wouldn't have been able to sit together) by buying us tickets. We had the money to pay her back on arrival.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 15/10/2012 13:54

Yay all round to my place next Sunday!!

ZombTEE · 15/10/2012 13:54

Oh honestly, just speak up. 'I'd rather order and pay for my own, thanks.'

Not rude. Not hard.

Just talk.

Original poster

Iodine · 15/10/2012 13:55

Count me in Vivi and Proud!

Proud- I just feel shite at the moment. She is in a good career, married, in yor face and demanding. And I am unemployed and am a people pleaser. I like to make sure everyone on a group is happy rather than putting my own happiness above that.

OP posts:

ilovetermtime · 15/10/2012 13:55

She's weird.

What did the other people at the takeaway evening say? Did anyone comment on her eating most of one dish or was everyone too scared of her to say anything? Nothing along the lines of 'hey , I thought you said you weren't hungry but you've just scoffed all the.... ha ha ha!' ie in a jokey manner.

My advice to you is to stand up to her now, or this will go on forever.

ViviPru · 15/10/2012 13:56

Make mine a Pal Nung Prik Sod with sticky rice please

ViviPru · 15/10/2012 13:57

I like to make sure everyone on a group is happy rather than putting my own happiness above that

Before long you'll find yourself surrounded by new pals :)

Original poster

Iodine · 15/10/2012 13:59

Pink- definitely arrive at 8. Everyone else turned up at that time too and they sent a text confirming it.

Ilove- no one said anything. It just wasn't worth it with the mood she was in! Next time I will be ordering for myself, I can't just not go as DP thinks it's better to hang around with people who are a bit strange than no one at all.

OP posts:

BabylonPI · 15/10/2012 14:02

YANBU. she is weird and has ishooooos I feel

Original poster

Iodine · 15/10/2012 14:03

I hope so Vivi! I have always had friends around me who are the same as me so events like takeaways involve far too much food, making sure everyone eats enough and, rather than complaining about money, helping out friends who are down on their luck and paying for them.

Ah I miss people like that!

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 15/10/2012 14:04

Ordering a takeaway for a group is always a pain: someone says they'll eat anything then pulls faces at what arrives; someone is vegetarian when they order their dish but decides they like the look of the ribs and chicken and beef; DH someone always eats far more than everyone else; there's either enough food to feed an army or not enough and everybody politely takes one spoonful of everything; someone always tries to control what should be ordered.

You have to be firm about what you want, know how much your dishes cost and don't let someone else tell you what you should be eating. I'm yet to have a takeaway with a group and feel like it was just right!

Cromwell44 · 15/10/2012 14:06

I don't understand why you want to mix with this PITA. It sounds like this person doesn't make you feel good about yourself and the freindship isn't on an equal level, so why see her?

TheSurgeonsMate · 15/10/2012 14:08

Ha! I got some posters mixed up when I was reading this, and read it as:

"I think I'd have killed her"
"we don't know them well enough to do that."

Proudnscary · 15/10/2012 14:11

Iodine - I'm sorry you feel crap. You sound nice, normal and fun given half the chance! She's just one of life's PITAs - we all know someone like this. They are life-sucking, joy-eroding creatures best left to their mini meltdowns and cat's arse faces.

Let the virtual takeaway begin!

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2012 14:19

You were all paying your share - so why didn't anybody mention the fact that they'd like to have a portion each? Even if you were all sharing; you must have known 5 between 8 was going to leave someone feeling hungry?

Original poster

Iodine · 15/10/2012 14:23

Proud- I love the sound of that. I'm sat here smiling at the memory of proper nights in with friends.

Floggingmolly (love the name btw, they're so good to have a crazy dance to) we had never used the takeaway before and they had. Judging by her freaking at me adding another dish I thought they were big portions. We all just thought she knew what she was doing!

OP posts:

BumsyClugger · 15/10/2012 14:28

I hate people who are like that with takeaways. And I don't share food, as I never know if I'm taking the piss and end up still hungry after everyone else has stuffed their faces. I always order my own and pay accordingly.

DP's family are the worst for it. Even when MIL cooks she decides exactly how much each person will eat and I never have enough as I have a big appetite. And when she does a buffet style dinner and I have to get my own I end up with miniscule amounts as "I cooked you 3 roast potatoes, Bumsy, as you don't eat much, do you?"

I'd very much rather there was half a ton of leftovers than even one person still hungry at the end.

pinkdelight · 15/10/2012 14:31

Well that's totally bizarre then, if they clearly said arrive at 8. You cannot deal with this people. They are bizarre.

Original poster

Iodine · 15/10/2012 14:53

Bumsy- with roast dinners my mum has taught me to make as many as I think people will eat (big portions) and then add about half again "just in case". We have had many a teenage boys face light up at the sight of the extra mountain of roasties. There's not many left by the time my teenage cousins attack it.

My aunt will serve the tiniest buffets on boxing day. 6 mini pizzas from iceland and a desert bowl of pasta salad for 8 people. I don't see them anymore, it's horrible to sit there with a tiny plate of crap food when they're boasting about how much money they have. Ooh and there was the year they decided to have a bbq (on boxing day,yes) with the same quality and quantity of food and the added bonus of pink chicken legs. Mm. My mum was horrified, her side of the family are the over-caterers.

OP posts:

ilovetermtime · 15/10/2012 14:57

I thought you might say that. I had a similar friend, and the whole group of us would walk on eggshells round her. A few years ago I decided that I couldn't take anymore and started pulling away from the group. It took a while and there was quite a bit of heartache involved, but I now have lots of new 'normal' friends!

My advice is to put up with her for now, for the sake of your DH, but to be on the look out for some new friends.

SunflowersSmile · 15/10/2012 15:09

Take away etiquette.... I hate sharing!

I want MY portion and just want to share the rice/ noodles and prawn crackers. I really don't like it when people order for me [unless they know what I want].
She does sound very controlling and odd.
Hope there was enough alcohol!

greenrabbits · 15/10/2012 15:16

As to politeness, SHE isn't worrying about being polite to YOU. So I would stop giving her all the power.

BumsyClugger · 15/10/2012 15:33

Haha yes, that's the way I cook. I always add some "just in case". Same with my takeaways. Unfortunately DP has learnt his habits from his mother, and doesn't understand that I'd rather everyone had too much than not enough.

It does sound like your friend has ishoos. A take-away with friends should be fun

A trick I learnt is to read the menu as though I am really very fussy and settle on something that not many people there like, and say "oh, as no-one else is eating the same as me I'd better pay for mine separate". With the IL's it's easy, I just order anything with prawns as they don't like them

I'm lucky though, in that my friends and family are all like me and all order our own and maybe nick a bit off each other here and there. Funnily enough they're the ones (along with me and DP) who don't have much money to spare. IL's have plenty.

I'll never forget DP almost having heart failure on my DD's first birthday when we had just my family over (7 adults, 3 children and 1 toddler) and I cooked party food for 3 hours solid (including 80 sausage rolls, 2 loaves of bread into sandwiches and 7 trays full of chicken, ribs, mini pizzas etc., and crisps and bits). My whole kitchen was literally covered in food. He kept telling me I was cooking too much and it would all get wasted. Within 10 minutes of my family arriving all the food was gone It taught him the lesson that you cannot predict how much someone will eat and that my family are animals.

Original poster

Iodine · 15/10/2012 15:38

Bumsy- does your DP not realise that the benefit of overcatering is the leftovers? I was drooling at the thought of all those cold sausage rolls lurking in your fridge until I read that your family ate them all .

Just goes to show how different families can be and how it's generally those who aren't well off who provide the most.

OP posts:

BumsyClugger · 15/10/2012 16:58

No he doesn't. As it was the middle of the day I told him I wouldn't be cooking dinner that night and we'd eat the leftovers for dinner. He was at the thought. Needless to say we had to get a takeaway

Yes that's what it seems to be like with the people I know. Strange.

GoEasyPudding · 15/10/2012 17:57

This clip is from Gavin and Stacy. My DP and I love this scene. Its so like this at the inlaws they want to do "sharing" and we want to order what we actually like and keep it all to ourselves.

I'm with Smithy on this one! Order your own!

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