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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to avoid having MIL for Xmas day?

35 replies

kerpob · 14/10/2012 19:27

I know it's early for this - sorry! PIL got divorced this year. FIL just rang DH warning us "not to allow MIL to be on her own for Xmas day". We have two children with SNs. MIL when she comes to see us (about once/twice per year at most) is an absolute hindrance and gives no help whatsoever. She is very stressful to be around. On the other hand she is quite down after events of this year. She lives in another part of UK so if she came would be here for several days and not just a few hours. AIBU to think it's rich for FIL to lecture us about what we should be doing when he is absolving self from all responsibility for her? (divorce due to his infidelity btw).

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/10/2012 19:28

Does your DH have siblings?

Original poster
kerpob · 14/10/2012 19:32

Yeah one in the USA :(

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 14/10/2012 19:32

It depends if the alternative is that she's on her own. YANBU to not want FIL to lecture you but at the same time your DH's mum has got divorced because her H was unfaithful and Christmas will be pretty wretched if she's not with family I'd imagine.

Flisspaps · 14/10/2012 19:33

What does MIL want to do? She might want to spend the day on her own, or have made plans to see friends (and FIL wouldn't know about her plans, I assume)

Katisha · 14/10/2012 19:34

Think you're going to have to have her really. Unless she might fancy a complete break in a hotel with a friend?

hermioneweasley · 14/10/2012 19:34

Yes, I think it is cheeky of FIL to lecture where his wife is concerned, but she is your husband's mother- can you really bear to let her be alone at xmas after a divorce? Surely you can grin and bear it for a few days? You say she doesn't give any help, but she doesn't sounds wicked or awful, just useless.

londone17 · 14/10/2012 19:35

Ask her what her plans are?

Trills · 14/10/2012 19:35

FIL can fuck off, he can't tell you what to do.

But if she really is going to be on her own then it'd be nice to try to include her.

LadyFlumpalot · 14/10/2012 19:37

OP, I completely see why you are hacked off about it, and yes, very cheeky of FIL!

However, maybe this is one year that your MIL's needs should come before your desires for Xmas.

You may find that she will have changed, or, that she will be more willing to talk and join in.

I think, if she wants her family around her this year, she should. By all means stamp about it on here, Facebook etc, but be welcoming to her.

Original poster
kerpob · 14/10/2012 19:38

She has siblings closer than we are - think tbh she would jump at the chance to spend it with us. She is pretty difficult and DH and I spend the time when she's here, counting to ten and biting our tongues -dread spending all of our Xmas break doing this :(

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 14/10/2012 19:38

I think you need to offer it up.

You could go to her, in that way only stay one night.

Blu · 14/10/2012 19:38

Would she cancy a trip to the USA if you all chipped in for her fare? For a treat...

I think you might have to make generosity your thing this year, without establishing it as a habit.

What does your DH think?

And yes, it is cheeky of FIL. But that doesn't make it unreasonable to think about her.

Original poster
kerpob · 14/10/2012 19:41

He's not looking forward to the prospect either - don't want it to become a habit either. One year she came to us and stayed for nine bloody days. I was ready to top myself at the end of it...

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 14/10/2012 19:43

Arrives Christmas Eve afternoon and home day after boxing day. That's all it needs to be

CarnivorousPanda · 14/10/2012 19:44

Lets just say I have similar issues...

How about inviting her just for a day or two, but also inviting over other people to dilute things a bit? If she has just gone through a divorce it would be the kind thing to do.

Also try to get out, even for a morning walk as I think it helps .

MollyMurphy · 14/10/2012 19:46

She's having a hard time and she's family....I'd lump it up and invite her.

usualsuspect3 · 14/10/2012 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kerpob · 14/10/2012 19:47

ok....hear the consensus :) will come on here to do loads of ranting..........

OP posts:
ThompsonTwins · 14/10/2012 19:47

Kerpod, indeed it's rich for FIL to lecture you - presumably to make him feel better. However, if MIL would be alone at Christmas (if she has no plans) I would invite her. You could, however, have a conversation with her first, asking her to undertake certain tasks while she is with you. You could explain that the needs of your children are greater these days so it would be really helpful if she would for e.g. do all dishwasher/washing up duties while with you and/or tidying away toys at bedtime, helping with food preparation in whatever capacity suits her abilities as a cook etc. This will be a difficult Christmas for her but there is no reason for her to make it more difficult for you. Hope it works out OK.

ImperialBlether · 14/10/2012 19:50

He's got a bloody nerve! He dumped her and now he expects you to put up with her!

If you have to have her, make it a short visit. Better for you to go to hers for Christmas Day (drive up on Christmas Eve afternoon and return Boxing Day morning) than to have her to yours for several days.

LadyFlumpalot · 14/10/2012 19:53

OP, have her - but start lots of cathartic threads on here. Just be sure to head then with "I know I AM being unreasonable, but I need to rant in a safe place" so that people don't flay you alive!

Original poster
kerpob · 14/10/2012 19:54

We live in Ireland so it would involve ferry travel and due to the kids' SNs staying anywhere else is hellish so it looks like her coming to us - but maybe as other posters have suggested if we book it for her and keep it short then it will be best of both worlds for all

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 14/10/2012 19:56

Well done kerpob. I promise to listen to you rant!

alphabite · 14/10/2012 19:57

She's family. She is your husbands Mum. Would you like your Mum to be alone at Christmas?

CelineMcBean · 14/10/2012 19:57

Poor woman. I think for the sake of a few days you should offer. But I would be limiting the length of stay and if necessary lying about another engagement just after her stay so she can't over-stay and try the following:

Issue her with a rough iterary of what you have planned because ime useless guests (and I have DM and FIL who would happily be waited on from the sofa) struggle with not knowing what's happening but if given an idea and a specific task are more likely to do it. Also ask if there are any traditions she would like to include well ahead of time.

Give her a choice of what specific items she would like to bring (eg cake, pud or booze) and buy lots of stuff you can just shove in the oven in disposable dishes and chuck away afterwards to make the meal less stressful.

Finally, I would probably invite some other guests or friends for at least some of the time to dilute the mil effect a little.