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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to secretly think she was a bit mean?

53 replies

itwasallyellow · 14/10/2012 18:45

Swimming today, ds has got a little friend there. Queuing up today I didn't even notice the little boy was wearing pink goggles, I vaguely noticed the boy say something about them being girls but didn't pay attention. Next thing ds laughs and points and says 'haha they're girls', little boy looks upset and says to his mum 'see I told you' tries to take them off and burys his head in her.

I was very embarassed and firmly told ds off and told him not to be so rude and unkind and it doesn't matter what colour things are, not to laugh and upset people.

But aibu to secretly think it was a bit mean to make the boy wear the pink ones if he didn't really want to, I'm bu aren't I?

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 14/10/2012 19:37

Yes they are boredandrestless. Children are incredibly cruel. In fact, that's where we get the well known phrase "kids can be cruel".

Original poster
itwasallyellow · 14/10/2012 19:37

Oh and btw, ds actually has a pink t shirt that he still wears, I 'think', but wasn't really paying attention he probably only mentioned the goggles because the boy said that they were for girls first so ds kind of said 'ye haha they're girls'.

OP posts:
honeytea · 14/10/2012 19:38

your son was bu. I think you need to teach him not to tease people no matter what they look like/what clothes they wear. If it is a genuine mistake like calling a child with long hair she and then realising it's a boy then fair enough, but you should teach him that it's not ok to point and laugh at anyone!

voddiekeepsmesane · 14/10/2012 19:40

How does your ds know that pink is for girls....oh yeah its normally a learnt behaviour especially at age 4!! Not impressed OP (from a parent of an 8 year old ds who didn't have a clue about colours for girls or boys till 6...yes smug parent you may well think)

Blu · 14/10/2012 19:42

Good swimmimg goggles are expensive.
Damn this bloody marketing that makes this sort of nonsense pretty much inevitable, and parents feeling guilt tripped nto buying a new pair of £7 goggles.

Why can't they make them all yellow or clear or green?

Original poster
itwasallyellow · 14/10/2012 19:42

voddie I don't know about you, but ds picks these things up from nursery and school. I've never said to him 'pinks for girls', they picks it up from their peers.

OP posts:
honeytea · 14/10/2012 19:43

But how many pink things have you bought him op?

Onceortwice · 14/10/2012 19:45

I disagree that kids just 'pick it up'.

My DS and DD didn't go to nursery. There are 13 months between the two of them. I always fully expected to clothe DD in DS's old clothes.

By 17-18 months, she was wailing 'PINK' at me. I don't think shy picked it up from anyone. I think it was her natural preference.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 14/10/2012 19:48

Honey, why would you buy a pink item purely because its pink? Or do you intend to dress your son in pink regardless, purely to prove a nonsensical point?

Original poster
itwasallyellow · 14/10/2012 19:49

honeytea he's got a pink t shirt, a fairy jigsaw puzzle, a discarded toy hoover, he's hard some Dora stuff, think that's erm, it.

Thing is though, dinosaurs, toy cars and lego don't really come in pink, and these are what he likes.

Prepared to get further flamed now but I don't believe that most kids are gender neutral. Ds has always made a beeline for the 'boys' toys from when he was old enough to toddle. I've never ever stopped him having anything on the grounds of colour, it's personal preference.

OP posts:
Original poster
itwasallyellow · 14/10/2012 19:51

Oh, oh oh, actually I got him my little ponies because he liked them and that was only last year.

OP posts:
gallifrey · 14/10/2012 19:51

If he hadn't said it someone else would have for sure!

honeytea · 14/10/2012 19:58

Desperately I will dress my son in pink, he has a lovely pink flowery babygrow some pink dungerees and a christmas outfit with lots of red hearts on it and as many pink vests as blue.

I really don't think kids naturally gender select colours, I think kids naturally select bright colours but here in Sweden most kids stuff is gender nutural and you rarely see small girls dressed up in all pink or boys dressed up in all blue with diggers on.

Mollydoggerson · 14/10/2012 20:04

yabu

discrete · 14/10/2012 20:10

YABU. Good goggles are good goggles, and by telling her ds that it would be OK to refuse to wear them because they were pink the mother would have been going along with the 'pink is for girls' nonsense.

My ds1 loves pink. As it happens, he is also completely unbothered when people initially say 'she' or do a double take, as we have explained that in this particular culture pink tends to be marketed to girls, and people tend to assume that someone wearing pink is a girl. It's silly, he knows it's silly and he just shrugs about it.

I am guessing that is what the other boy's mother would like her son to do too.

Yama · 14/10/2012 20:26

YABU. Of course this women wasn't being mean.

We need to challenge society enforced gender limitations.

I have been told by nursery workers in the past that both boys and girls tend to love pink. They make a beeline for the pink cup or plate or whatever. It is only when boys are taught that pink is for girls and therefore inferior that they go off it.

I hope my ds will never tease someone in such a manner.

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/10/2012 20:37

I think there's a difference in buying pink things for boys who like it and don't think it's for girls, and forcing a six year old boy to wear something pink when he has said he doesn't want to because people will tease him, or say it's girly etc (which seems to be the case for the little boy with the pink goggles).

I think in the latter case it is a bit mean to make him wear pink against his wishes (though I can imagine that something happened along the lines of getting swimming stuff together, can only find sister's goggles, have to leave the house or be late, boy says he doesn't want to wear them, mum says don't be ridiculous now get a move on)

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/10/2012 20:40

If instead of pink goggles it was something like a Night Garden swimming bag, borrowed from younger brother, and someone said it was babyish, I would also say that it was a bit mean of the mother to make him use something that he doesn't want to and that will potentially give other children ammunition to tease him

babybythesea · 14/10/2012 20:47

I've done a few child development courses and I think it was one of them that talked about why there seems to be this huge thing about 'boys colours' and 'girls colours' at around that age.

As far as I remember, it is connected to children trying to work out what actually goes into 'being a boy' and 'being a girl'. They are aware that they are one or the other before this, but it is just a word they use, not really a label as such. At around 4, they suddenly realise that there is more to it and that there are differences between boys and girls, but don't really get what these are (some of them know about the biological differences but still don't really understand it). So they try to come up with 'rules' to help them fix it in place - they fix on things like hair length, colour etc etc. Obviously, each child's rules may vary slightly (if they have a dad with long hair for example) but the principle is there. These rules will be fairly heavily influenced by places like nursery school as kids swap ideas about what being a boy/being a girl means. But like all things, they don't really get that rules are created by society and can therefore be adjusted. In their heads, a rule is a rule. So it becomes a bit of a circle - they create the 'rule' to help them figure out what the differences are between boys and girls, and then try to stick to it rigidly and fit everyone else into it. (My Mummy is a girl and has long hair, Daddy is a boy and doesn't, therefore girls have long hair. Therefore that person over there with long hair must be a girl because in my experience it is only girls who can have long hair.)
They start to grow out of this at about 8 or 9 when they have a much deeper understanding of what being male or female is. And this is the point at which they tend to be more accepting of people who don't fit a stereotype.

This is a bit off-topic but I find it fascinating. I certainly don't think it means we should pander to any of it, but it might explain why children react so strongly to things they think of as 'boy' things and 'girl' things. And maybe think carefully about how we explain to them why it's not always the case that boys like some things and girls another - coming at it from their point of view that must be hard - you're confused anyway, then you think you've got it sussed, then someone says 'Nope, not it - you're wrong again.'

EndoplasmicReticulum · 14/10/2012 20:47

It's school. My son liked pink too, until he started. There are pictures of him at pre-school wearing princess dresses! Then the peer pressure kicked in.

I went to buy boys new goggles the other day, they only had pink available at the swimming pool, so I didn't buy them. They would have been teased at school swimming lessons - and while it shouldn't matter, it was easier to get some blue ones from ebay instead.

They did both get some stick for their painted toenails at the beginning of term though (boys in year 2 and year 3) - although this was blue nail varnish and not pink.

Laquitar · 14/10/2012 20:55

I don't think that the woman was mean. She was probably practical. If you have something free from friends/family why not use it and put the tenner into the child's savings? He will love it when he is 18 Grin

I would have go and speak to the child. And i would explain to ds why his comment was silly and why it doesn't matter what colour is as long as it does the job.

RobynRidingHood · 14/10/2012 20:56

Pink is very much a teenage boy colour round these parts.

I am informed "pink is the new black" Hmm

StateofConfusion · 14/10/2012 20:56

I've got a nearly 4yo and a 5yo, they can be hard on each other but never anyone else, I'd be mortified if either did something like this, I don't buy into 'kids can be cruel' um, not if they're raised correctly. Some boys like pink who cares what coloured goggles he wore.

suburbophobe · 14/10/2012 21:03

Think it's sad that by 4 years old they are already "programmed" into the pink/blue stereotype....

Who cares what colour they are? Maybe they were the only ones handy.

I think you did well OP to use the opportunity to teach your DS about kindness to others.

crackcrackcrak · 14/10/2012 21:04

Depends entirely in whether the other boy chose the goggles or was made to wear them?
Dd had an almost meltdown at her swimming lesson because I forgot her goggles. She wore her bf's which are identical but blue and got in with the lesson. She was quite happy but I wouldn't have forced them in her.