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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DM should report this?

65 replies

Moominsummermadness · 14/10/2012 08:46

Dsis aged 15 was attacked last night. She was supposed to be getting a lift home from wherever she'd been with a friend, but friend disappeared, so friend's parents didn't pick Dsis up. She decided to walk instead of calling Dm, and took a shortcut across recreational ground. It was pitch black.

Dm called me early this morning. When Dsis got home, she went straight to her room. DM could tell something wasn't right, Dsis admitted she'd been physically assaulted from behind, and had been knocked unconscious. She woke up on the ground some time later. She doesn't know if she was sexually assaulted or not.

I told DM to get Dsis checked out and report it to the police. She doesn't want to involve the police, thinking that they will be insensitive. She has agreed to take her to A&E to get checked out though. So worried for Dsis and the effects this may have on her. Any advice ?

OP posts:
Kinora · 14/10/2012 10:18

volume I was also thinking this.

Maybe she's not quite telling the true story as she is ,wrongly, feeling that it was somehow her fault for getting into such a situation.

Does she have any visible injuries? Are her clothes dirty from being knocked to the ground?

Poor girl.

Original poster
Moominsummermadness · 14/10/2012 11:05

I personally feel that there is more to it than she's let on to DM. She's happy for DM to take her to get the MAP, which suggests to me that she does know somebody's had sex with her. As DH said to me, she'll know if she's been raped. I Will be able to glean more information when I actually speak to her.

OP posts:
shesariver · 14/10/2012 11:10

If she has been knocked unconscious she needs medical attention asap. When you say you feel theres more to it than shes letting on, what do you think has happened?

OwedToAutumn · 14/10/2012 11:13

Say it to her from all of us - "This is not your fault!"

RobynRidingHood · 14/10/2012 11:26

Is she perhaps using a cover story to avoid getting into trouble for being late home?

Teenagers can get themselves into situations, thinking they are able to handle it - we're assuming she was attacked by a stranger. This may not be the case (stranger I mean) it may well be someone she knows and is frightened of, or is blackmailing her.

I really don't want to make it worse with a lot of what ifs but she might being blackmailed as in "you tell, this is filmed, it goes out on youtube". I've seen several cases of that in a professional capacity.

MrsDeVere · 14/10/2012 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyBollyBandy · 14/10/2012 11:32

Poor wee girl Sad

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2012 11:37

If she tells the full stry about what has happened to the hospital then they will discuss reporting it and explain that it won't be ordinary uniformed officers that come out to 'question' her in the usual way.

I would imagine that your DM isn't upto date about how children and possible sexual assault victims are interviewed.

Most cities have a 'suite' that they use, often in the hospital and specially trained key workers.

Your DM can choose to stay, or your sis would be appointed an appropriate adult,if your DM was unable to listen to what has happened, the young person chooses.

It can be reported later, it doesn't have a time limit.

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2012 11:40

Just to add that i was raped when i was 13, but because i went somewhere that i shouldn't have, i couldn't report it (so i thought).

There may be details that she doesn't want to share with your DM.

SoupDragon · 14/10/2012 11:45

your poor sister :(

She has to report this - that person is still out there and able to hurt other girls. Take her to A&E as she needs to be checked for head injuries anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 12:21

I'm not DISGUSTING... Hmm I'm saying that there is no justification for the family keeping quiet about this now they know it's happened. The kid at the centre might not feel happy about reporting it but that's what adults are there for... to support kids in doing the right thing, not encouraging them to do the wrong thing.

GhostShip · 14/10/2012 12:29

The poor poor girl :(

and I can't believe Jimmy bloody Saville has been brought into this, can we not turn everything into something about that pig? It's not even relevant.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 12:33

It's relevant because a child has been assaulted and injured, had the guts to tell their own mother, and the mother seems to want to sweep it under the carpet rather than report the assault to the police.

GhostShip · 14/10/2012 12:35

No it isn't relevant.

We have to treat all of these cases separately, it's not fair or right to bunch them all together.

It's nothing alike the Jimmy Saville cases.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 12:38

It's a criminal walking the streets scot free this morning because an adult is letting another kid down and trying to keep a lid on a crime. I'm OK with bunching unpunished criminals together...

SoupDragon · 14/10/2012 12:51

Cogito, It's not bloody relevant and your first post about "people like her" being responsible for Jimmy Saville was utterly disgusting.

AnyaKnowIt · 14/10/2012 12:51

''I think I need to point out that this person may well attack someone else.''

That is not your sisters responsibility! If he decides to go out and attack someone else, that is HIS choice.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 12:57

'people like her'.... the mother, not the kid.

SoupDragon · 14/10/2012 13:01

And you think that makes your comment better? Because it doesn't. It is still an utterly disgusting thing to say and you should be ashamed of yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 13:04

I am not ashamed of myself in the slightest. We've just spent a week or two hand-wringing over a criminal career that went unchecked for decades and asking 'why did no-one report it?'. Then we find that kids had told various people but, for one reason or another, it never went any further. We'd like to think that if kids are in trouble today and they need help it will be given. So excuse me if I'm angry that this mother seems to want to keep a lid on it....

flow4 · 14/10/2012 13:08

We have no idea why the girl's mother is hesitant to go to the police. There are very good reasons for being cautious:

  • She may not feel she knows the full facts yet, and may want them first;
  • She may be trying very hard to let the girl herself make the decision she wants to make, rather than dis-empowering her (further?) by taking the decision about whether or not to call the police out of her hands;
  • She may feel medical treatment for her daughter is her first priority, and she'll deal with the police later;
  • She may be focussed on supporting her daughter's emotional state right now;
  • She may be aware that reporting rape or sexual assault is enormously difficult for many victims. Sadly, some say that making the report is more traumatic than the attack itself :(
  • She may be aware that even for the most serious type of sexual crime, rape, the conviction rate is shockingly low - around 2%. So she may know there's always a kind of 'balancing act' to be done, deciding whether to go through the stress of police and court proceedings when the chances of a just outcome are so low;
  • She or the girl may have had bad experiences with the police in the past;
  • She may have her own past experiences muddled up in the mix;
  • She may just be still in shock;
  • There may be 101 other personal reasons we can never know about...

So Cogito you are out of order, and you are making all sorts of insulting and ignorant assumptions. Please stop and think.

Ultimately reporting this may well be a good idea - and it is probably what I would personally do... But people need to understand that this is the most personal decision ever possible, and you cannot decide what someone else 'should' do.

MrsDeVere · 14/10/2012 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 14/10/2012 13:13

how awful,hope she ok.understandably scared
do report,keep clothes and bag them up, advise her don't shower
I hope she supported and not too traumatised

scottishmummy · 14/10/2012 13:14

any head injury and loc needs checked out ASAP
I know it's terrifying,and feelings are all over place
get health checked out

CuriousMama · 14/10/2012 13:15

How terrible. I hope she goes for help this is horrendous, she could've been killed and someone else could be?

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