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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be freaking out at losing freedom/being a rubbish parent now I'm pregnant

49 replies

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 08:02

This week I unexpectedly found out that I'm about 10 weeks pregnant. I am happy, but my primary emotion is freaking out! I know it's silly, and I think it's because I dwell on the negative, but I keep dreaming that I have twins and I've not got anything to look after them and have to carry them around in plastic bags!

DH and I were also talking about travelling for a year before this happened and I keep thinking that I won't ever get the chance to do things like that again. Or go to exciting places on holiday.

I know I am being unreasonable really and am very lucky but I'm on my own for the first time since finding out and am freaking out a bit. Just wanted a bit of hand-holding and more people seem to go on this part of the forum. Pregnancy all seems to be about physical pregnancy things.

Someone please tell me that I won't be carrying her/him around in a plastic bag and that they have managed to have some freedom after having a baby!!

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/10/2012 08:12

Ah I remember feeling like this - three times over. It is shocking to be pregnant for many, even if it's planned, and I think what you are doing now: analysing it, being afraid of the changes, is normal.

It can be a lose of freedom but it doesn't have to be. Many other things will be gained to.

MrsKeithRichards · 13/10/2012 08:24

I shouldn't laugh but the twins in carrier bags is funny! I used to dream my baby would talk to me and tell me what to do. My dreams were mental when I was pregnant. The most disturbing being the raunchy one about my father in law!!

Anyway, what you are feeling is totally normal! You are facing the single most life changing event out there which will affect every day of the rest of your life! But you'll be fine.

Just because you've had kids doesn't mean you have to holiday in Spain on the beach for the rest of your days! You might not be able to do wild back packing but you can go to exCiting places. Our 6 year old has been to Malaysia, Thailand and New York. It just takes a bit more planning and sleeping by the pool all day isn't really an option anymore!

Things will change, hugely, but in many exciting and challenging ways!

perplexedpirate · 13/10/2012 08:27

Ah, the post POAS freak out, I remember it well.
Funnily enough, DH and I had talked about travelling when I got pregnant too.
To be completely honest, I found the loss of freedom at the beginning very very hard, but all the time you are struggling time is marching on and it gets easier and easier.
First, you find the responsibility a little less terrifying, and then, because they're getting older and you are finding more effective ways to manage, you find that you gradually have more freedom again!
I won't lie, it's hard. But it's so worth it.

Congratulations btw!

NellyBluth · 13/10/2012 08:34

It's completely normal, especially if its a bolt out of the blue - like you I fell pregnant unexpectedly (though at the right time, about 6 months before we were planning to start ttc anyway) and we needed to move town, buy a house, a million things... I also had a big wobble at 22 weeks when I realised that I really couldn't change my mind! Not that I would have, but something about that 22 weeks freaked me out a little.

DP is still, bless him, a little freaked by the loss of freedom...

Original poster

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 08:38

I'm so glad it's not just me! Thank you!

Other people I know have been absolutely certain it's what they want and have been planning for it and have just been excited (publicly anyway) so I thought maybe I was a cold, nasty piece of work :)

Glad to hear that others have the weird dreams too and I'm hoping I don't get the father-in-law one (eewwwwww). It's some consolation that I really was very upset when I checked the plastic bags and they weren't there anymore.

Glad to hear also that interesting places are not off the cards - last night all the places I've been meaning to go were running through my head. Also, me and DH are pretty independent and he's already said that he will look after the, the....baby (!) if I want to go somewhere with friends etc. We'll see if he still thinks that when the time comes ;)

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 13/10/2012 08:39

I met a woman with two small children when I was backpacking in Cambodia. The bus dropped us off a few miles from the town and everyone took motorbike taxis. She strapped the smallest to herself and the five year old had her own taxi driver. I'd never go that far but kids are only an obstacle if you let them be.

My parents believed kids were portable and I've loads of memories of sleeping on spare beds with my brother when my parents attended parties. They then scooped us up and chucked us in the back of the car when they left.

DH and his ex literally stopped living when yet had kids but we do all sorts with them. I'm pregnant and not the slightest bit worried.

Original poster

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 08:41

Nelly - we had also talked about it and were not exactly trying but were not being careful either. I think it's just a shock that it actually happens. We'll prob need to move or extend where we are now too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 08:44

I'm hoping very much that we will not be of the 'stopping living once had kids brigade' too waiting

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FolkGhoul · 13/10/2012 08:47

I felt like this during my first pregnancy.

And then again during my second!

If it helps, even if you have planned, prepared and are TTC, the moment when you first realise you've been successful your first reaction after the joy is "shit. What have we done!"

It doesn't matter how excited you are (publicly) privately, everyone has the fear.

In fact, I think it's having the fear that means you are ready.

People who think it's going to be all fluffy and snuggly with the 'liccle babby' and nothing else haven't really acknowledged the enormity of what they are doing.

FolkGhoul · 13/10/2012 08:47

Oh and congratulations and good luck! x

justaboutiswarm · 13/10/2012 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 13/10/2012 08:52

I was desperate to fall pg - then when I did I felt flat as a pancake throughout. Really unexcited and underwhelmed. Dunno why really - possibly suppressed fears.

Anyhoo - it's totally and utterly irrelevant how you feel now.

Nothing can prepare you for actually having a baby the good (80%) and the bad so just feel how you feel and don't overthink or overprepare (and honestly please don't spend more than two and a half seconds on a 'birthing plan' < ba ha ha!!).

Congrats x

stubbornstains · 13/10/2012 08:53

Top tip: get a camper van

shellshock7 · 13/10/2012 08:53

The loss of independence was my fear when pregnant, I thought we would be public property once the baby was born and all the relatives would be round unannounced all the time....well that has kinda happened (but not as bad as feared) but I love it Seeing how much everyone else loves your baby too is an amazing part of being a mum, for me

Original poster

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 08:55

Thanks all. I love the idea of introducing them to the world, warm.

Proud - I just can't let myself think about the B word yet! All in good time.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 13/10/2012 08:56

ha ha - probably the best way love

Original poster

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 08:58

Oh and shell the MIL (who is lovely) has made slightly scary noises about who will 'be there'. I think se means at the birth, and is suggesting she might be (my mum died a while back). Nope!

stubborn - have you done the camper van thing with children?

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NellyBluth · 13/10/2012 08:58

Move when heavily pregnant, that's my tip. It is kind of stressful, but also the only time in your life when you can move house but just sit around watching everyone else do the work!

DoubleYew · 13/10/2012 09:02

It is quite difficult to adjust to the loss of freedom of being very pregnant and having a newborn, if you are used to doing what you want. But the good news is that is the worst bit, as they get older (a few weeks, a few months etc) it gets better, you can do more if you get one that sleeps.

You might want to discuss with dp about day to day life. If you are breastfeeding that will literally be your job for the first couple of weeks and h should look after the two of you. Also he could take responsibility for bath time or early morning walk so you have a bit of free time to look forward to.

MrsDeVere · 13/10/2012 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Binkybix · 13/10/2012 09:05

I think we might need to go for the 'extend' option. We live in London and it's either 2 beds (us) or 4/5 bed houses which are waaaay out of our league, but I don't really want to move out of the area, at least for now.

I like being able to walk to work...apart from the fact I won't be working for a while. I thought I would love that idea, but I'm not as excited about it as I thought I'd be.

Excited about thinking of names once scan is done though...am spending next week in Wales with a group of friends and it's going to be difficult for them not to guess. I am known for liking a drink ;)

OP posts:

iismum · 13/10/2012 09:06

I spent three weeks backpacking round Cambodia with my four-year-old, with the two-year-old left at home with DH and we had a fab time. Not as much late-night drinking as previous travels, and a trip to a water park I wouldn't have done otherwise, but we had a great time and it was really a lot like independent travelling.

Yes, lots of compromises, much loss of freedom, greatly increased drudgery but also lots of joy and fun times, and you can still do much more than you think. Good luck!

Proudnscary · 13/10/2012 09:08

Ooh I do have advice about the not drinking thing (fellow pisshead with two dc talking)

Do NOT announce you are not imbibing due to infection/anti-biotics/detox. They will know straight away. Don't mention it. Drink tonic or nurse a glass of wine for a few hours. Even if they notice, which they probably won't, they are more likely to be sensitive and not say anything than if you make a song and dance.

Pourquoimoi · 13/10/2012 09:09

Yes you're normal. Mine were both planned but I remember feeling slightly panicky when I found out I was pregnant with my first. I remember the "shit, so it's really happening" feeling and finding it a bit daunting despite having not used contraception for 6 months!!

You'll be fine, yes babies do change your life but they are fairly portable especially when small.

lannyshrops · 13/10/2012 09:11

We were thinking of trying for a family this year, but kind if didn't want to give up the lovely life style we have. Fate intervened and I'm now 19 weeks. I still have 'oh shit' moments!
Ok, so we probably won't get to a few of the mad places we wanted to just yet, but there is time when LO is a bit older! I refise

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