Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To get separate beds or even separate rooms!

74 replies

needsomesunshine · 13/10/2012 03:20

I have wanted to post about this for ages as it is causing me sleep problems. I have just finished feeding but can't sleep. Dh usually falls asleep on the sofa & I leave him there just so I can get a decent sleep. He moves around in his sleep a lot, sleeps with his legs up, rolls over, snores, farts & has night tremors where he whines in his sleep! I'm a light sleep and usually only get about 4 hrs solid sleep a night. I can't use earplugs due to the baby. I have a much better sleep when he sleeps on the sofa but I realise this is no long term solution. We have talked about separate rooms. Has anyone had any experience of this? Its not generally something people talk about in RL but We get on so much better when we haven't shared a bed as we both get a decent nights sleep.

OP posts:

DuchessofHaphazard · 13/10/2012 10:05

DH and I have separate rooms, and have done since we first lived together. Both of us suffer from chronic (and opposing) insomnia - I take hours to fall asleep, but usually (if left alone) don't wake up once asleep. DH falls asleep really easily, but then wakes up repeatedly and has difficulty getting back to sleep. Sleeping together tends to be a nightmare, with neither of us getting any sleep.

I would say though that it's really important to make sure you have time for yourselves - it's very easy, especially if you are both really busy, to start losing intimacy, and this is something we've had to address, although all is fine now.

calypso2008 · 13/10/2012 10:06

Totally normal here, in Spain. Most of the people I know do... especially as it gets so hot. People only tend to share if they don't have enough bedrooms.

I have my own, lovely room! I need blackout blinds to sleep and total quiet since DD was born, my husband needs the radio on and light

DD thinks nothing of it - it is normal for her.

calypso2008 · 13/10/2012 10:08

Yes, Duchess is right, it is easy to lose intimacy, it does make me a tiny bit sad sometimes that we don't sleep together. But benefits outweigh negatives.

nokidshere · 13/10/2012 10:15

We have separate rooms. We are simply not compatible sleepers. I sleep about 4-5 hours a night with the windows open and a fan going and he wants 8-9 hours in a hot little cocoon. We are still happily married after 34 years - probably because we get enough sleep lol :)

OHforDUCKScake · 13/10/2012 10:20

My partner is on the sofa for now, his choice. So he can get a good nights sleep because Im up so much with the baby. He's bf and goes bananas if anyone tries to resettle him at night. Its a big comfy sofa and everyone is happier for it.

Its not forever, if it works for you, do it. Sleep is so precious, it means the difference between a fraught family and a happy one.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/10/2012 10:23

I once read an article that stated that couples who sleep in seperate beds have a much much lower divorce rate. I cant remember the numbers but it doesnt at suprise me.

greeneyed · 13/10/2012 10:26

We have our bedroom and the spare bedroom 50% of the time one of us is in the spare room, usually me because I can't sleep! DH slept in spare room all the time I was bf. Sleep is too precious in our house!

kirrinIsland · 13/10/2012 10:26

We have separate rooms and have done for pretty much the whole of the 15 years we've been together. We are not compatible sleepers. He sleeps in the. Iddle of the bed whether I'm there or not, moves around loads and I end up clinging to the edge trying not to fall off. I am a very restless sleeper who wakes frequently and constantly disturbs him. Seperate beds solves all that and means we get on so much better.
Agree with duchess though, you do have to make sure you don't lose the intimacy of the relationship.
I will admit to feeling a little embarrassed about it though, and rarely admit to it amongst friends.

LeBoob · 13/10/2012 10:28

My grandma and grandad were happily married for 45 years and always had seperate rooms, when I suggest to my dp it's the key to a happy marriage he thinks I'm insane

SecretCermonials · 13/10/2012 10:29

DP and i have had a separate duvet each (double) for almost out whole relationship 8 years so far! Means we get a good nights sleep! If It works for you do what you have to i say!

justmyview · 13/10/2012 10:36

2 single beds next to each other & separate duvets made quite a big difference for us

Original poster

needsomesunshine · 13/10/2012 10:52

Thanks for your positive replies. I think the best solution is a sofa bed in a study & see how that goes.

OP posts:

alliea99 · 13/10/2012 20:15

YANBU. My DH & I have had separate rooms for years and it it fantastic. I'm a really bad sleeper and have a much better quality of sleep now, he also has far better sleep as I'm not nudging him to turn over & stop snoring!

Most weekends, we share my bed so we do get the best of both worlds.

Sod what anyone else thinks, it's not their sleep that's being affected so it's no-one else's business.

Original poster

needsomesunshine · 13/10/2012 20:43

I spoke to him about it & he actually thinks its a good idea.

OP posts:

monkeysbignuts · 13/10/2012 21:07

how old is the baby? Maybe a single bad in babys room so you can spend some of the night with dh & the rest in with baby.
Me & my dh slept separate while i was feeding our first because he would wake every two hours. Since I was bf it seemed pointless both of us being disturbed.
Maybe snuggles in your own bed then off to separate beds for a good night sleep.

I find it very hard to get back off to sleep if I am disturbed by anyone and since having kids i wake at the drop of a pin :(

charlottery · 13/10/2012 21:11

We have seperate rooms. The plan was that it was only for when the baby was waking at night, but shes 14 months now, and we're both much happier with it. Can't see us going back to sharing (he does this really annoying breathing thing!)

Dawndonna · 13/10/2012 21:33

Dh has a chronic illness that goes through acute phases. We have to sleep seperately when he is in an acute phase, partly for his comfort, the pain of somebody moving next to him is unbearable, and partly because we'd be divorced if he didn't because he makes noises and has night terrors due to the extra drugs he needs to take during an acute phase.

devonsmummy · 13/10/2012 21:57

Dh's snoring used to keep me awake yet he'd be the one shouting at me when I nudged him to stop.
Pre-dc's I'd creep into spare room but hated it in winter having to get out of a warm bed & into a cold one.
Started sleeping in spare room when pregnant with DS then stayed after he was born.
Temporarily swapped with me in double bed with Dd once She arrived .
Then me & kids in one room & DH in double.
We bought bunkbedd last year & went for one with a trundle bed underneath ( that's mine!)
The kids call the rooms theirs & daddy's.
Once when we were visiting friends they were confused that the mum & dad shared a room. They thought it was cos they didn't have enough beds! Lol

Shakey1500 · 13/10/2012 22:00

I would secretly love separate beds It wouldn't bother me what other's thought. But I know that my reasons would offend DH so for the meantime I shall suffer his sleep habits.

GrimmaTheNome · 13/10/2012 22:04

Yup, separate bedrooms - I like to stay up later than DH and go to sleep with a crossword/killer sudoku; he snores and cant stand it if I 'fidget' (ie make the slightest change in my position). Sometimes he has insomnia and so reads 'newspaper' on ipad at ridiculously early hour

So we both sleep better apart. As we both work part time from home, we don't need to be in the same bed at night

edwinbear · 13/10/2012 22:06

DH and I sleep in different rooms during the week as he gets up for work at 5am and I don't need to be woken up with him getting up, switching on lights, rummaging in drawers and wardrobes etc. We share a bed at weekends though. It works for us, best of both worlds I guess.

GrimmaTheNome · 13/10/2012 22:12

OP... glad you didn't delete your thread straight away? its one of those rare unanimous 'YANBU' threads I think.

chickydoo · 13/10/2012 22:15

Separate rooms here too. Been married 22 years. Own rooms for 8 of those. He snores, makes me too hot & gropes me constantly, he falls asleep first & I have to listen to him snore! Hideous!! No earplugs seem to do the Job.
Both our rooms are pretty big, lots of wardrobe space I don't give a monkeys what anyone thinks, I like it better. DH would prefer to share.... No Chance!

IShallWearMidnight · 13/10/2012 22:16

I would love separate rooms as DH snores (and is currently PA-ively "being too busy" to go to the GP despite agreeing he needs to), but he would take that as total rejection. So I manage on 5 hours sleep a night, and he has bruised ribs from my sharp elbows. Every so often I spring an unexpected "your turn to get up and deal with everything" day on him, and regularly go to bed at 9ish with a book at which he moans "why are you going to bed so early?". I think the demonstrating the consequences of his inaction is starting to work though, as he's getting closer in his head to the concept of "going to the doctor to see if there's anything they can do" that'll be cut down on drinking and lose weight.

Sadly we don't have a spare room otherwise I'd've been in there years ago . Despite DH's wounded feelings.

Flip

1 2 3