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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want another sexual partner

74 replies

McHappyPants2012 · 13/10/2012 01:00

hope i get flamed.

i have only had sex with my DH, I feel that i have missed out and I want to have sex with a random because I really have not got a clue.

OP posts:

snooter · 13/10/2012 12:26

But you can't change that - don't beat yourself up about it. What does he think? Is he wanting to try other partners? How would you feel about it if he did?

snooter · 13/10/2012 12:28

And saying you haven't got a clue - if you're enjoying your sex-life you must be doing something right

snooter · 13/10/2012 12:30

You also mentioned in the OP you have only had sex with your husband, but now that you weren't a virgin when you met - is there something upsetting in your past that needs addressing?

squoosh · 13/10/2012 12:41

If you had a shit sex life with your husband that would be a different matter, but it seems as though you have a good sex life. Everyone wonders what doing the polar opposite to what they've done must be like.

Orenishii · 13/10/2012 12:43

I didn't meet my DH until I was 25, nearly 26. I haven't had any one night stands, but had a fair few mid-termish relationships, including some experimentation in my early twenties with girls! So consequently have had a fair few sexual partners. I know it sounds horribly smug, but all those experiences made the mind-blowing factor with DH that much more...mind blowing.

I don't know OP, it's a hard one. I sometimes wish I'd met DH a lot, lot sooner and when I read on here about people marrying their teenage sweetheart, I get a pang of jealousy. I think about all we could have accomplished together, as a couple - getting married earlier, buying a house, having children earlier...

But it what it is. It seems like the human condition to want what we can't have :) Do not beat yourself up for very normal thoughts but just as I can't change renting and having our first child at 32, you can't change this situation either without some drastic - and very unwanted - sacrifices, I'm guessing. It's very normal, very usual and very understandable, I think, for you to be having these thoughts - but unfortunately no amount of people telling you that the grass is not greener is going to satisfy those thoughts. Only really time, and addressing if these needs really do need to be met will :)

AntoinetteCosway · 13/10/2012 12:45

I've only ever had sex with DH. We started going out when we were 18 and are 29 now. I know it's unusual but I think I'm lucky to be honest-I've escaped awkwardness with strangers, bad sex on one night stands, heartbreak over boyfriends etc etc. I've probably also missed out on great sexual chemistry with strangers, amazing one night stands, great loves, but I missed them because I was with a man I love very much, having great sex with him instead! Don't beat yourself up over what ifs, enjoy the decisions you've made.

freddiefrog · 13/10/2012 12:48

DH and I were 15 when we got together so we were each other's firsts

I'd be a liar if I said I'd never wondered tbh, but I'd never act on it.

lovebunny · 13/10/2012 12:54

used to be that any decent, and not unlucky, woman had only been with her husband.

if he has a penis and uses it with you, why on earth would you want another one? think of them - google if you must - do you really want to bother with a range of those nasty-looking things? urgh. and they can get full of pus and have warty growths - google some diseases!

if you imagine that by taking on a range of partners you might get love, romance, respect or anything else worth having, i'm only speculating but i think you'd be wrong.

let me suggest celibacy. with very infrequent lapses if your husband really makes an effort. that should keep you both focused.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/10/2012 12:58

XH was my first and only. When we were properly together I was glad of that because it was something I had only shared with him. However, after a couple of decades of him going ON and ON and ON about all the sex I might have had for all he knew, and the times I probably was lying, and his belief that I was planning to be unfaithful, I got so sick of it that I began to wish I had had more lovers just so I would have had something to admit to. Then it all got a bit weird in my head and I did try to be unfaithful (unsuccessfully). It was partly about feeling I'd missed out but more about revenge, really. I didn't feel he deserved to be my only experience.

Now he's out of my life I suddenly don't have any interest in the opposite sex at all. (Or the same sex for that matter.) It's all irrelevant. Which is probably a bit sad really, and I may get over that and be a late-blooming slag I don't see that as at all shameful, just what's right for the individual at that particular time in their life.

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 13/10/2012 12:59

what is wrong with wanting to have sex with someone else. that feeling has nothing to do with how much you love and respect your dh and you value your relationship

i am sure at times your dh may have wanted to have sex with someone else its natural but if it is something that you feel you have missed out on then it is something you need to discuss with your dh. not many can have open relationships and i am not sure this is what you really want jsut the experience of beign with another man

not easy but you can not deny how you feel and it is not wrong to feel that way

Halfling · 13/10/2012 13:54

OP I met my DH when I was a virgin and he has been my first and only sexual partner. I understand where you are coming from.

When I am with my friends and we talk about such things, often I feel like a freak and a prude. I have no fun memories of sexual conquests, one night stands etc. to talk about. DH on the other hand had ample sex with a lot of women before we met.

Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be with another man. I don't fanatsise about it but I am just a bit curious. But I don't think I will ever want to actually find out. I am happy enough with my current sex life.

monkeysbignuts · 13/10/2012 13:57

I met my husband at 15 & we started seeing each other at 18, we are now 33 & 35. It makes our relationship special imo :)

loopylou6 · 13/10/2012 15:40

I'm the same, as in only been with dh, I do wonder what it'd be like, but I'd never act on it, why would I? We have a great sex life and dh knows EXACTLY how to 'do the job' to my liking, nobody else would.

nkf · 13/10/2012 15:43

Isn't this the point where the advice is to get dressed up and pretend to be strangers picking each other up in a hotel bar?

Remember, in many many cultures you would be the norm. I think it sounds kind of sweet.

NowThenNowThen · 13/10/2012 15:57

I am amazed at how many there are have only been with their husband. I am almost a virgin among my friends because I have slept with fewer than 15 men !On the one hand, your situation is sweet.on the other hand, I can understand your curiosity.

AngryFeet · 13/10/2012 16:28

I am glad I slept with lots of people before DH. If only because it made me realise how wonderful sex in a loving relationship is and how crap everyone else I had slept with previously was! IMO sex without the closeness and the feeling of complete acceptance is shit anyway. Just have a fantasy about somebody every now and then instead. Far more satisfying, trust me

NowThenNowThen · 13/10/2012 16:43

Oh, I don't know angryfeet. I have very much enjoyed most of the sex I have had even when I didn't know their last names..sometime because I didn't know their last names.
I am lucky though, in that I am pretty secure in my own skin. I like myself enough to have never needed sexual validation from men, so I can genuinely enjoy sex that is just fun and no more. The other kind, the loving relationship kind,is nice too.
(feels nostalgic about sex!)

squoosh · 13/10/2012 16:58

Sex with love is great but I've enjoyed lots of sex without love too. I'm racking my brains to think of anyone I've regretted shagging.

2beornot · 13/10/2012 18:16

I'm in the same position as you McHappyPants. And whilst I do wonder what sex is like with someone else, I don't think I could let myself go like I do with DH. The thought of someone else seeing my body makes me cringe!!

Original poster

McHappyPants2012 · 13/10/2012 19:01

I do understand what you are all saying, I guess I am just lucky that I skipped all the drama and tears.

I am going to stop thinking of it, as I have a good sex life and life with DH which means more than a quick shag

OP posts:

monkeysbignuts · 13/10/2012 19:29

I regret my first (vomits) Really wish it would have been my husband but hey ho, husband is my second!!

MaBaya · 13/10/2012 19:36

God there are some REALLY weird attitudes to sex on this thread!

JustFabulous · 13/10/2012 19:41

If you are happy with the sex life you have with your DH can you work out why you think you have missed out or is there something you want to do with him that isn't happening?

It is quality, not quantity and people can feel they have missed out whether they have shagged one or 1001. It is all about the connection and the feelings plus being with the right person.

Shakey1500 · 13/10/2012 20:13

Both DH and I had been round the block a fair bit before we got together. I was 30 he was 37. To be perfectly honest I am glad that I'd slept with a fair few blokes beforehand. There'd been a few long term relationships, a few one night stands so lots of variety one might say. As had DH.

I don't regret any of them and I'm glad I had all the different experiences of different types of sex.

So, I understand why anyone who had slept with one person, would feel curious. But it is what it is. And if you're content then so be it. No harm in wondering. There is no "easy solution" to quench the wondering. Apart from either being unfaithful with either a one night stand or an affair, or sleeping with someone with DH's consent/knowledge (which could open a whole can of worms) or ending the relationship and experimenting. And reading your posts, none of them would be feasible or desired. So basically, you're left with an itch that can't be scratched as it were.

No flaming here

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