To never want to fly. Ever.

[BoyMeetsWorld]

So I'm terrified of aeroplane flying (& helicopters etc I should think though the situation never arises!!!)

I USED to fly...a lot. But as I've got older & thought through the logistics of it more I've become increasingly terrified. I spend days before a flight feeling physically sick and having panic attacks. On the flight itself I tend to shake & cry for the first half hour then
spend the rest of it trying to distract myself whilst my heart stops at every single sound or movement, I watch the air hostesses faces every second & I pray frantically (I'm not even religious). Each time I swear if we just make it down alive I'll never fly again. And each time I have to I feel I'm pushing my luck.

Before DH & I married he knew I hated flying but we have done 3 times: once to go abroad with my DS. This scared me more than ever having him on the plane too as the idea of him being in a plane crash makes me even more terrified than for myself. I had to repeatedly go to the loo as I was becoming hysterical & couldn't do so around DS. The 2nd time we had to fly as my dad was abroad with a few days to live. The final time was my honeymoon & I really felt I had no option.

DH uses the fact that I've flown in the past including these 3 times with him to argue I can do it & should just get on with it. For the past 2 years he's accepted that we go on holidays in Europe that we can drive/coach etc to or cruises in the future. But last night we had a blazing row when I said I really didn't want to fly again except in emergency. He started listing all the countries we couldn't visit (& loads of them were seriously long haul, prob out of our price range anyway)

AIBU? I appreciate it prob is selfish but honestly nothing in the world terrifies me more except something happening to DS. If our kids wanted to go abroad when older I would let DH take them, or they'll have school trips etc. I'm scared DH may even leave over this one day in the future and as we're currently TTC that situation doesn't bear thinking about...

I think you should get help if you want to. Phobias are horrible things and if you can overcome it it would be good for you in general.

I agree with Laura though that your DH is being a bit cruel trying to inflict flying on you knowing how scared you are. Does he have any phobias? If so, he should understand.

This is making me think I need to deal with my fear of heights

I went for cbt for my phobia of flying and ur really helped. I was terrified of flying but determined to continue because I love travelling and want to be able to share that with dd as a family. I find her a great distraction on flights now. Both my parents have a fear of flying and more recently refuse to do it, I think a lot of my fear came from that as I remember it even as a child that they were frightened of it. It's really something I don't want to pass on to my kids.

fear of spiders, rats, mice etc is not really comparable though.

avoiding them isn't lifestyle limiting and doesn't impact on others.

I didn't pay for my hypnotherapy session as it was a friend if my parents who did it. He is dentist who originally trained in hypnotherapy to help his patients who had fears of the dentist.
Just the 1 session helped enough to be happy on a flight even when my immature DB ran about the airport pretending to be a plane that craahed!

Clearly, you have a phobia, so YANBU in that sense; you aren't simply being awkward.

However, YABU if you refuse to think about trying to cure the phobia. Have you tried a fear of flying course? I did the Virgin one years ago, and it was very good.

Of course, you don't NEED to fly. But it sounds as if your DH would really like to go overseas a bit further at some point, and if you refuse to even try to solve your totally irrational phobia that would be a bit unreasonable.

I'm planning a trip to New York. DH doesn't want to fly so will make a handy built-in house and dog sitter.

His life isn't limited, our carbo-footprint is teensy-tiny compared to most families, my kids all speak French, Spanish and Italian and we are planning a trip next Easter to Portugal, no planes included.

If you want to get rid of your phobia, there are ways. But don't do it because you think your life will be limited

Hmmmm, it's a tough one but I think YABU.

I'm terrified of flying. I'm not claustrophobic or anything but I just think it will crash. Not that it might crash but that there's an absolute certainty that it will. However, I also know that fear is irrational and it would be unfair to both myself and my family if I didn't suck it up and go. In my opinion the best and most fulfiflling/worthwhile trips involve flying a good distance.

I take Valium. It doesn't help that much but it keeps me from actual panic attacks in front of the children

I hate flying too, but I still do it. In fact, I'm doing it in a couple of weeks with three kids, one of whom is a baby. Flying is nowhere near as risky as getting in a car. My friends husband is a pilot for British Airways and when I think of the amount of flights he does, on a monthly basis, it helps.

OP - I don't blame you. Flying is loathsome. I hate it. I ALWAYS think the plane will crash/blow up.

That said, we were upgraded to first class (still can't believe it) on a flight to west coast of USA a few years ago and somehow I managed to rather enjoy that flight ;)

So my suggestion is that you only ever fly first class. :)

You know I was an expat kid and flew loads- I used to love it. I even loved turbulences etc the rockier the better.
Then one day I was on a plane when I suddenly had a huge panic attack and just couldn't comprehend how the plane didn't just drop out of the sky. Cue years of terrified flying, of shaking every time the engine noise changed etc.

Then I started sitting at the front of the plane and it helped. Now I'm an OK flier again. So maybe your phobia will one day fade? Good luck.

Never sit in seat 7

I think you should try some professional help before you give up on it. Hypnotherapy, fear of flying course, whatever. Even if it doesn't work, you can at least say you've tried everything.

I also recommend telling the stewardess that you're a nervous flier - they are fantastic and it makes a big difference.

YANBU. You say that you are prepared to fly in emergencies - if that means that you will also fly in case of necessity (e.g. requirement of any job/medical treatment, or if close family members moved too far away to visit in any other way, etc) then your phobia does not have the potential to cause harm to you or your family.

What it does cause is inconvenience - it limits possibilities for holidays to an extent (determined by leave, preferences and budget), and increases the duration and cost of some of your journeys. IMO that is acceptable - a holiday is there for the enjoyment of the whole family, and if your fear of flying inevitably overshadows that enjoyment then the time and money has been wasted (for you at least, and for your partner too if he is reasonably empathic and understanding). There are plenty of lovely places to visit in the UK and Europe, and the money you will save on flights to far-flung places can be spent on going away more often or enjoying yourselves more while you're there. You're not disadvantaging your children by doing so - I have only ever set foot in an airport twice, with my (now) DH, and I didn't feel that I was worse off for the lack of experience. The question is - if there is somewhere your partner desperately wants to visit and you can't bear to fly there, would you be happy for them to go without you?

For what it's worth, I absolutely loathe traveling - I hate the journey to the airport, the time spent in the airport, being surrounded by people for so many hours, the noise, the awful migraines I get on the plane, the bus to the hotel, the train journey to wherever we will be staying, and the prospect of having to do it all in reverse 10 days later (and getting home from my "holiday" tired and irritable)... I also really resent the money it costs, since I never enjoy being abroad more than I would enjoy a holiday in a nice bit of the UK. Fortunately, my DH went on many foreign holidays with his parents when he was younger so he's happy to have cottage holidays in the UK for the vast majority of the time (especially since I told him that he would have to deal with his share of the bugs if we were to visit somewhere warmer). If there was somewhere he desperately wanted to go, I would try to find a way of making it reasonably enjoyable for myself and, failing that, I'd offer him the option of going with a family member.

That said, if I were you I would try hypnotherapy (and give it my best shot) as a compromise - if you try your best to become happy with flying and can't manage it, then it really is up to your partner to try his best to become happy with holidaying in ways that fit around your fear.

The stats don't really help to calm you down though, I don't think. If a plane is going to crash (as opposed to being blown up) you are aware that you are going to die for quite a while. Remember that Japanese crash where they found notes to loved ones in wreckage? I know I'mnot helping at all, I really do not like thinking about flying at all so YANBU. But I wouldn't want to miss out on places because of my anxiety so, if you think that you will, I'd try to tackle it.

Nancy, were you watching P-- C-- on Channel 4 last night, by any chance?

Yeah!!

I have/had a flying phobia too and it got so that I wouldn't go on a plane (came back from one holiday in Europe by train). In the end I did the BA course and it reduced my phobia loads. I still don't like flying, but I do it, and don't feel particularly nervous.

I couldn't watch the programme on C4 though!

Oooh, so being hypnotised works???
I'm on holiday now and I'm fine with flying but have massive fears of other holiday related stuff and worry myself sick beforehand and spend the entire trip trying to fend off anxiety constantly. Like another poster said, if I notice I've stopped panicking for a few minutes my brain kicks in again and tortures me. I have to go on another holiday in a few months and have been dreading it since it was booked. I'd happily not go away again, but my worrying is now creeping into other areas of my life and I HATE it. Plus my husband wouldn't want to be married to someone who can't enjoy what he enjoys most in life-holidays.

So. Hypnotherapy to tell my irrational mental torture to stop?!
Valium is fine but I can't drug myself every day I'm away!

I was just like you. Used to fly without a problem and then had a very bad flight where one of the cabin crew started screaming(!).

Anyway my mum lives in Spain which makes things quite difficult and I am a single parent too, so when I fly, I fly with my son who is 8. The last thing I wanted to do was pass on my fear to him.

Went to see my doctor who gave me some tablets (Diazepam). I take two before I fly. They are AMAZING. Obviously I was concerned at first that I might fall asleep during the flight (not a good idea when you are flying alone with a child) so when I was first prescribed them I took one the night before I was due to fly to see what effect they would have on me.

I don't cry anymore or feel remotely nervous. I can even look out of the window when we are taking off.

Honestly they are great and worked for me. Give them a try.

I hate flying like you do. I get very upset beforehand, cry and feel desperate at take off, and don't relax at all.

My sister is the same and she gets Vallium from the doctor. I didn't think it could be that simple - but it was! She warned me that before asking the Dr for a prescription I need to say where I am going is a long haul destination, as some doctors only prescribe exactly the minimum for the number of hours you are gone. My doctor clearly had a phobia himself though because he said 'of course it isn't silly to be scared to fly, if we were meant to fly we'd have wings' and gave me a 20 pack. I was flying 9 hours on two flights, so I took 2 before the first flight, managed that okay, then on the longer flight (transatlantic really scares me as there is no way off so when I start to feel the stress mounting there is a sense of dread and helplessness)... I took one before take off, and one every hour.

It was the best flight of my life (well, apart from the one I spent on the pilots lap as a kid, Greek airline that loved children and let me have all the spare food from the air hostess station :-)) - those little pills made me actually relax and enjoy it! I was able to look out the window at the clouds and not feel like I was close to death. I was still aware of my phobia and still able to look after the kids, but I was detatched from the fear which was great.

The only problem with the vallium approach is if you have to do a flight without it, it is much worse than before you started using vallium to cope.

Yabu, but I get it.

Hypnotherapy helped me.

You don't NEED to fly. You could holiday here. But in all honesty i love taking the kids abroad and experiencing different cultures.
i would actually be miffed if dh refused to holiday abroad ever, for what ever reason.

I would give some therapy a go. To say 'i am never flying again, regardless of your feelings, and not going to attempt to deal with it" could be seen as a bit selfish.

How boring would life be if we only did what we needed to?

I'm terrified of flying too. I'm also really claustrophobic.

I've flown a few times (with the help of vallium), but about 15 years ago I was involved in an incident which involved the full oxygen masks/emergency landing/escape shute works. I've not been on a plane since.

I've tried hypnotherapy and the fear of flying course but it's not helped.

We holiday a lot in the UK, or in Europe where I can ferry/drive/train.

It's got worse since we had our kids, I just can't bring myself to take them on a plane either.

DH wants to visit friends in New Zealand in a couple of years, and I'm shitting bricks already so I've got to do something about it, but I do understand

The last time we flew was in 1988. I was 27 and had never flown before and was very excited. Dh had been a frequent flyer prior to my meeting him in 1983 but had developed a fear of flying since then. Apparently a fear of flying is much higher amongst people who have already flown than those whonhave never flown. Thought it would be fine but his panic ruined the holiday for us.

Since then we have been on many holidays, by car, train, ferry, ship. I do not feel that I have missed out by him not flying. Our children have not flown yet and they are 11 and 13.

I would never make him feel guilty about it. Anything he does to try get over it has to be for him and not for anyone else.

As a child I never even had a holiday, let alone abroad. I have never felt deprived because of it and my children don't (and aren't) deprived now.

Fears are personal and often irrational. I am terrified of animals so my dh and children go off and walk through fields full of sheep and cows without me.

YANBU

and the world would be a much better place if people realised that flying was not normal and that everyone should do an awful lot less of it

I'm terrified of flying too and I know how safe it is, I work in the industry.

I used to be OK and I have got worse as I've got older, I don't know why, maybe a sense of my own mortality. Or my children's.

I will get on a plane but I will hate every second. Strangely, flying long haul really helped me. I just couldn't maintain that level of terror for so long!

YANBU but you may be missing out depending on what you want to do. I love to travel so I just grit my teeth and cry a little. See if you can get help.