To be not entirely keen to look after my Grandma

[StWinifred]

My Grandma is 100 years old and rather debilitated, although fully compos mentis.

She was being looked after her by her son, who had lived with her for decades. He had a heart attack in the 1980s and I think the strain of looking after his Mum did for him, and he suffered a fatal heart attack in July.

Since then my parents has been looking after her, in her home, which is a largely original 1930s house.

She went to stay with my parents in their own home (an hour or so away) for a few days a month or so ago. She found this a bit disorienting but they were grateful to get home; this was curtailed when she had to go back home for medical appointment.

A few weeks ago my parents wanted to go away so they asked if I could help, I said she can stay here (in our hours for a week), but there's no way I can go there because of various prearranged commitments locally, school, etc. They didn't think this was a good idea.

My sister proposes early on that she should stay in her home as she has been in the area since birth. My sister has been with her partner (she doesn't believe in marriage I think) for a decade and has no children (doesn't believe in this either). Her idea was that we (my parents, my sister, and I), should look after her a couple of days per week each.

Due to work/childcare I can only do this over the weekend. Last weekend I headed there at 6pm (takes about 1hr 45 to get there) on Saturday and got back home at 5:30pm on Monday to pick up the kids from school. My sister was there from 6pm Monday till 8am Wednesday, working from home Tuesday, and I think planning to on Wednesday also in future, though she had a meeting on Wednesday so left early - in future she might be there until afternoon/evening though.

My father said he thinks I shouldn't go every week on Saturday as it would be disruptive to our family. I haven't made any commitments.

Anyway he called on Tuesday to ask what time I was coming on Sunday, and I said I didn't know I will let you know at the end of the week. He called me today at 11:30pm to ask the same, sorry I don't know, does it make any difference? Well we were thinking of going away for a couple of days, he said. Oh really?

He then sent me a rather nagging email saying they would appreciate a routine, and also could you come round and stay with the kids during half term to balance your sister's 'input'? (My DH has work to go to, locally, so it would be me + kids.)

I replied saying sorry I can't give you a routine after only one visit there, it ain't routine yet, and I'm not about to promise to match my sister, what she does is what she can do, and she's got her circumstances and she mine, and actually I didn't really feel the house was suitable for kids when I was there.

Grandma can't make it up the stairs, so she sleeps in the living room, and there's no toilet down stairs, so there's a commode there. She's got severe incontinence so lots of pads to dispose of, plus the commode to empty. She tends to fall over and she can't be left alone at home for more than about 2 hours. She needs her breakfast, lunch, dinner prepared, plus tea, drinks, etc.

They've been in this house for nearly 3 months now and they have no bed, just two very old 'small single' mattresses on the floor. Apparently they ordered a bed from Homebase but it takes 3 weeks or something? Anyway, I thought this was ridiculous, so when I was there on Saturday I went to a local shop and they said they could deliver a bed on Wednesday. Passed this information on to my father and apparently he couldn't get through to them on the phone, so er, still no bed for me to sleep on this weekend.

There's another empty bedroom for the kids (but no bed) but the window frame is rotten and there's a hole in the window.

My DH doesn't like this arrangement at all, and thinks Grandma should go live with my parents, and that it's their responsibility to look after their mother.

My father OTOH seems to think that its our collective responsibility (the four of us being her only direct descendants), and on that basis I should tell him what I'm doing and when, and not only that but try and 'make up' days that I haven't done (when compared with my sister) because childcare in the week is not practical.

I have told him several times that my DH is not really happy about the situation/disruption to family life (e.g., last Monday and foreseeably all future Mondays was disrupted because I had to get up at 7am to give Grandma her breakfast, after she was up till 00:45 watching TV the night before, and then I had to cycle 12 miles to get to the station to get home, and was way too knackered to cook a meal for the family, or to work with my DS on his 11+ preparation), but rather than taking the attitude that 'you are helping out, thank you very much', it seems to be more a case of 'why aren't you doing more'.

I am not really sure if IABU to be resentful of this attitude.

My parents have never told me what they are doing in advance, they will just do it on the day, and I have followed their lead, so if they want to know for instance what we are doing in half-term, I will tell them the day before, because that's when I will know myself. If they want to go away or something, then give me the dates and I will try and help, but it seems like they just want to go and do some gardening at home, ok well you don't need two weeks notice for that do you, and actually perhaps you can get a bloody bed in before I come round again.

You won't be pushing her, but opening the door for her to have a better quality of life, she sounds like a tough lady who probably feels she's keeping the family home going for your DPs, DHs Gran thought that, that burden being lifted was a huge relief to her :)

It might be best to look at this as two separate questions.

What's happening this weekend - because you won't get anything other than family arranged before then - so what can you/are you willing to do this weekend. Be honest.

Then: tell your Dad this, and follow it up immediately by asking question 2. What's the long term plan?

Plan for at least 5 years. It may well not be that long, but it could be!

Ask simple, practical questions:

Where will you sleep?
Where will your children (and DH) sleep if you are staying?
Where is your Gran to sleep? Which room is best overall and what's being done to get her a new bed (because, trust me, from experience with GA who at first hid she had become incontinent, her bed is likely fit only for burning!)
What are the arrangements for laundry? Again, she's incontinent - there'll be a bit of this!

You say she can 'take care of her personal needs, but the house - furniture and carpets smell - this says differently. So, what are the arrangements for this?

The furniture and carpets smell. They, therefore, need to be replaced, as a matter of urgency and hygiene. Gran may like them - but that's not the point!

Who's organising and paying for that? What's happening to your Gran whilst new flooring is fitted - she can't be using a commode in the same room as the workmen!

The window - if your Gran is to stay in her own home and not have her health fail rapidly then it has to be adequately heated. There's a hole in a window which prevents this. Again, who is to organise and pay for this to be fixed.

These are all questions to put to him and you sister.

And when they can't answer them, or won't, start making other arrangements!

Phone Social Services in her area NOW.
They will be able to raise the sensitive issues - like Residential Care, which you and your family may find difficult.
You may find, with their input, that the need for residential care becomes less immediate and more a Plan B thing.

Can I just clarify that Assisted Living Apartments/Bungalows AREN"T the same thing as "residential care homes"

I sent Dad an email:

"I think we are looking at this from different perspectives.

For me it is clear that the arrangement is not a sustainable one; certainly unless I come at 10pm on Sunday (and there wouldn?t be much point in that) I might as well come first thing in the morning or probably really last thing on Saturday in terms of me + my family spending time together. We do find that because of various commitments we need a whole weekend together in order to attend our weekend engagements, the children?s, and then have some relaxing time together as a family.

So to answer your question I don?t think it?s going to be realistic in the long term that I go there each Sunday in perpetuity.

However as I said before I want to do what I can certainly to provide you with some relief from the stressful few months, and get away for a break, which is why I asked you what you were planning, so I can help with that.

I was a bit disconcerted though given that I feel clear that having a half of a weekend for the next few years is going to work for us, to see that you feel that this is insufficient and in fact further ?balancing? is required over and above this.

So I guess while I am thinking ?I would like to help you on this weekend in view of your past months? your perspective is more ?You are going to be giving up half your weekend for the foreseeable future, so it?s unreasonable to ask more?.

In terms of improvements I was startled to find that you were still sleeping on a mattress on the floor that was too small for me when I was 10, after 3 months, and this concerns me in terms of the future as I do think for instance that Grandma needs a suitable living situation with a toilet and so on, whereas available evidence suggests that little will be done in this side.

So I am keen to provide relief for you in the short term, but I want to believe that there is a long term beyond this, rather than an indefinite continuation of Grandma washing in a bucket and going to the toilet in the living room."

could you decide what you could reasonably do, maybe 1 long weekend a month so they could have a break ie go friday night come back monday, and maybe commit to a whole week for their holidays

you need to get it sorted equal shares is not always fair

if your parents find sorting out a blocked toilet too much, maybe your role could be sorting this type of stuff that they obviously find so difficult but a friendly warning their neglect of themselves and house will get worse and you will be dealing with it again in 10-25 years time as they get older and less capable, if your granny is 100, how old are your parents because it might just be too much for them too

I'd rather pay for someone to come in and help her for a few hours a week and give the rest of the family a rest, and just visit her every couple of weeks. Is that a possibility?

And btw I am not 100% sure what the financial implications of this are. Grandma has some savings, maybe £30k (wild guess?). Dad fell out with his brother after he built a granny annex for my other Grandma after her husband died - using Grandma + (late) Grandad's money, without consulting my Dad, basically wiping out the inheritance

There's enough money with the house (£300k?) to provide for anything that might be needed for Grandma, but whether my parents want to avoid spending her inheritance I wouldn't like to say.

You need to be more assertive. At the moment you seem to be paralyzed by guilt about the fact that somehow you should be doing more and/or paying back your grandma for the year you stayed with her. You are also making excuses for the rest of the family as to why they can't/won't/didn't do more.

You seem to be both justifying and apologising for the amount of time you have given her - but feeling pressured to commit to more.

You need to get it clear in your own head how much time you can give - taking into account the fact that you have your own family who also have needs. Write it down. Be realistic. Don't let this situation damage your relationship with your dh - or with your kids. They are your long term future.

Then you need to call a family meeting and put forward what you can do and then ask what the others want to commit to. In parallel, you need to find out what sort of care package Social Services can commit to. It's a hard fact of life, but as long as the family is picking up the care, the other services won't.

If there is a disjoint, then you need to look at other options - which may well include looking at care homes or supported accommodation. Don't feel guilty.

Part of the action plan may include a family blitz on the house. Involve your husband (as it is having a direct impact on your family unit) and your sister's partner (the fact hat they are not married doesn't make them any less of a family unit).

What your sister can or cannot commit to is her responsibility. She has no right to say to you what you should be doing. Don't give her that power.

Also - as others have said, talk to your grandma. Find out what she would want. She may hate feeling that she is a burden on you.

If you are going to continue in this way, you do need to be absolutely clear about what you have agreed to do. Just because your own parents are not that organised, don't make that into an excuse. Put together a rota - even if it is only to say you will provide respite for your parents at "times x and y" - so that they can look forward to it and make their own plans. A rota will hep ensure that "mixed messages" don't muddy the water. If you want to have the flexibility to enjoy a "Sunday when there's nice weather" then that's fine - just say you can only commit to visiting your grandma but not to ongoing care. That's also important for Social Services to know when they are assessing care requirements. Someone in the house at all times means that a vulnerable person has different care needs to a person who is living totally on their own.

Loads of excellent advice on this thread. Caring for an elderly, incontinent relative is a huge commitment and I would actually be quite angry with your parents - I think their expectations of you and your children are excessive. I think her washing from a 'bucket' and having to use a commode, which presumably is not always able to be emptied immediately are absolutely horrendous in terms of her dignity. I would be seriously questioning their motivations for not paying for the best quality care that she deserves at this stage in her life.

Sod the inheritance. Your Grandma's needs come before your parents getting any inheritance! She needs to be clean, warm, fed and be able to retain dignity.

Yes downton, I do have experience. Have just been through it for the second time around. That is why I am stressing the OP needs to talk with the whole family together. There can be no misunderstandings and no divide and conquer behaviour if you're all in the room together. ime people do really underestimate the massive denial that both the mum/dad and child go through and all of this will be compounded by grief. Demanding something at someone else just creates ill will. I really think that SS needs to be suggested with a huge amount of tact. It's not something that anyone wants. Consensus is a lot easier if all together and gran will agree to the steps that need to be taken if she feels that she is safe. I wager that she'll feel relief. But she needs to be cared for in the meantime and the parents sound next to useless to be frank. If their own house is in disrepair perhaps something is going on with them.

LBY I think then, that we agree on those points.

sassybeast you have put that very well. I would be angry that all this dilly dallying about, however well meaning, was impacting on the OPs grans' life and dignity.

In fact, the more the OP tells us about their inability to complete even basic tasks, the more angry I feel for her.

Contact SS. I did it through my mum's gp. Set up a meeting at your gm's house. Tell others when it is. Have a very frank discussion. Remember to point out how many hours away you are. How your parents can't cope. How busy your sister is. How frail your gm is.......... They've seen it all before. May be able to suggest day centre for some socialising. Also in-house alarm / emergency set-up. Also alterations to house. Assumin your gm gets worse you won't be able to get carers in to help if the facilities are as you describe I would have thought. Spend some effort making the ground floor much nicer for your gm. Doesn't sound like much of a way to live. Would expect she'd be eligible for a grant. Our garage (we're 1930s semi too) is being converted for a downstairs bathroom and they're also going to sort out access to the front and rear. Things like a modern boiler and double glazing would also help with bills if you can run to them so she can properly heat the house for a start (my mum was terrible at this).

I agree with your DH, why can't your parents have DG to live with them?

Inheritance, wow. It's your grandma's money and she has every right to use it (or have it used on her behalf) to provide a safe and comfortable standard of living for herself.

Why do I have a sneaking suspicion your dad is angling after her money?

I hope I'm wrong, but I'd be the first to tell your parents and sister in no uncertain terms that I was available for respite care only XYZ times a month so they don't start all this crap with 'Oh, help out, OP,' because they know you're a pushover, and then it starts to be more and more often.

You need to be very assertive with your father and that email sounded a bit wishy-washy.

With that amount of money, DG could be well cared for. Your parents sound incredibly selfish.

This sounds appalling... and I have not read the whole thread (so sorry if this is totally out of line) but... are your parents expecting you all to provide free care so the caring costs don't eat into their inheritance?
I do not think what is expected of you is fair at all, or of your sister (unless she is happy to do it). So I agree you have to be up front with your parents. Your young family must come first. By all means contribute to the care effort, and above all make sure you visit and take the kids to see her, but I do not think you should feel bad that you cannot commit to what they are expecting - and you have to let them know this.

Hi op I totally think you are defiantly NOT being unreasonable.

You can't commit to being a cater, you have enough responsibilities, not everyone is able/ willing to be a cater and its disgraceful for your family to force you into this position.

Simply say no.

Obviously carer not cater xxx

Sorry but you can't take this on. You have a responsibility to your own family. Your sister has no other responsibilities and can even continue her job whilst there. She is not sacrificing anywhere as much as you are being expected to. She is not even using her work holidays. She can enjoy those on her off days whilst you would need to use all yours up to cover gma care to the detriment of your children and Dh.

You need to say no. Perhaps offer occasional cover in emergencies but that is all.

Much as you may love her, it is too big an ask and not fair to your family or you.

Thing is, if the whole family are trying to find a solution, that includes the Grandmother, who you say has good mental health so can be reasoned with. It's not fair for her to ask the rest of the family to give up their social and family lives because she wants to stay in a particular house. If she needs care, then she shoud be prepared to move in with your parents (assuming the are actually prepared to have her). Then any work that's needed on the house can be done and it can either be rented out (providing an income that could be spent on respite or additional care if your parents need it), or sold and the money invested/used for care/changes needed to your parents house like a walk in shower or stairlift.

The inheritance only "goes" if the house is sold and your Grandmother goes in a home and lives long enough to work her way though £300k worth of care bills. (To put it in perspective, the home my Nana was in until her death earlier this year charged around £20-£25k a year depending on the level of care needed, and also remember if you have to pay for it, your Grandmother's pension can also be used to pay the bills rather than just using up the capital).

'are your parents expecting you all to provide free care so the caring costs don't eat into their inheritance?'

Sounds like it.

Also to add, don't get drawn into a competing with your sister or feel you have to match her - if she is the martyr/do-gooder type, then you won't win, your failure to match her 'self sacrifice' will be used by her to feel smug that she's better than you, and she will never accept that you aren't just sacrificing your own time but part of your DCs lives. (I bet as well even if you match it with time, she'll find another way to be 'better' by doing more fun with your Grandmother or doing more jobs/cooking better food etc)