to ask, if you have DC from a previous relationship, and have remarried, how do your new PIL treat their "step grandchildren" ?

[MoomieAndFreddie]

Just wondering, as reading another thread got me thinking. And sorry for long title

MIL practically ignores DS (he is 6, and from my previous marriage). I have a 3 YO dd with DH. When we are with her, its glaringly obvious that she is uninterested in him and only interested in DD. If she ever babysits, its only ever for DD, it would be unthinkable to ask her to babysit DS :(

For example, last Christmas, MIL spent about £100 on DD, and asked DH to go out and buy DS a present, from her, for "about £10" and :( ...and its not about the money, I'd rather her spend just £10 on BOTH of them, or even ONE pound, its the glaring discrepancy between them that pisses me off. And the fact she couldn't even be ARSED to choose him a present ffs.

I feel it will only get worse as the DC get older. and become more obvious to them. Have tried to talk to DH about it but he claims he can't see it. and his precious DM can do no wrong in his eyes

I have been with DH since DS was only about 18 months old, so she has known him since he was a baby, which you would think would help form a bond. And DS hates visiting her, and always plays up when we go there, its as if he knows where he is not wanted :(

To contrast, my EX Mil calls both my DC her grandchildren, buys them equal presents and absolutely loves and adores them both. They both call her "Nanna" and I even visit exMIL with just DD sometimes as DD is only in part time nursery.

Be careful what you wish for op.

My in laws whole sale adopted their son's (my BIL) step children into the family and his biological children were as, to a lesser extent, were my DC.

The biological DC saw it as utterly fake and it made them question their own relationships with their GPs.

I have stepchildren. They are adults now but i've been with DH since they were toddlers. My mum has always been accepting of them, buying them presents etc when they were younger and happy to have us all visit.

DH's brothers second wife has two daughters who were 8 and 10 when they married and MIL accepted them as her grandchildren immediately and they called her gran from the start, and were treated the same as bio-gc's.

Are you being unreasonable about what?

My ds is not my DP and we have 2 children together, PIL are brilliant with DS1 but they are not his grandparents, he doesn't call them grandma & grandad as he never felt comfortable doing so, he does have contact with his bio dad & paternal grandma, he gets the same number of presents off PIL as bio grand kids but they do spend less on him which I fully understand as he then gets a whole heap of presents from his grandma, they would never not babysit him or include him, in fact fil takes him to football matches.

BIL on the other hand bought our DD a Christmas present but not DS which I didn't agree with so very politely refused the gift, PIL agreed with me.

We just muddle on through really and have never had any major issues.

I think it does depend on age a little. There was a 14 year gap between me and my sister. Her GP (that I'm not related to) are really lovely people and did their best to make us feel welcome. I don't know that they ever felt like GP to me but I do love them and feel a part of their family. Surely that's a massive positive?

For the OP, the closeness in age between your kids would be the concern for me. I agree with the poster who said you need to sit down with your DH and address this calmly. otherwise it's likely to cause some serious problems down the line. Please remember to point out that your MIL is damaging a relationship with his DSD. His DSD, who he will parent until the end of his days, is being treated poorly.

I agree, it does depend on age a little, i have got a step gd, she was about 8 when we first met,and 15 now, we get on fine, I buy her prezzies for birthdays and christmas, and she often spends the night here with my 2 youngest dds.
But, she is not my grandchild,her two younger siblings are my sons babies and i love them dearly,she has 4 other grandparents to give her that type of love.

A bit different but my FIL (who is not actually a blood relation of my XP - all a bit complicated) has said on numerous occasions that should I have any more children he would consider them equally as much his grandchildren as the children I have with XP - aside from anything else they would be the siblings of his DGC and he wouldn't want them to feel treated differently or for the existing DC to see their siblings treated differently.

I appreciate that feelings can't be controlled and your MIL can't help loving her DGC more than her step-GC, but she should never show that to them and from what you've said she sounds quite unkind.

Perhaps she resents that her son's ex MIL is such a feature in your life still?

Your DD calls her nana and you go visiting her etc. Would that have anything to do with it?

My SD did and said some truly terrible things to my family so while they're polite to her and don't mistreat her when they see her, they will never love her as a gc. Tbf though she's 18. I think it would be entirely different if I'd met DH when she was a baby.

I am a stepchild and my stepparents' parents were all very good to my sister and I. I'm not sure they exactly treated us like their own GCs, but we were teenagers when we met, so that would have been artificial. However, they were unfailingly kind and really tried to make us feel welcome. My stepmother's mother was and is lovely to us. My stepfather's parents at one point gave each of their grandchildren £500 and included us without question, something we never expected as we hadn't really seen that much of them.

One thing we did notice was that DSM's two grandmothers were poles apart. One grandmother was lovely, really friendly, really kind to us. The other was an old bitch who never acknowledged our existence. I don't know why some people take up that stance!

Ok op, he has lots of love from paternal gp, and I would sy she feels on the bak foot with your dd too. This is due to your relationship with your ex il, am not saying she is right at all but she wants to make sure that her DGD loves her the most. She probably knows she doesn't have a chance with your ds?

Ok I haven't read any posts other than the ops title but I wanted to respond immediately as I live in this situation.
When I met my now husband I was a single mother with an 8 yr old son. His parents were instantly warm and loving towards my son. We have since had 2 more kids and although they naturally love and adore their blood grandchildren more, they don't show it. They never leave my son out- now a teen- and my son loves them as lovely adults in our extended family, not as grandparents. Hope this makes sense. Basically it's all good. Had my son been much younger when he met them maybe he would've called them gran/grandad but when we met them my son already had established his two sets of grandparents.
Another nice thing is that my mil has a picture framed of my son in her house and she refers to him as her grandson to family and friends. My sils also treat him like a nephew.
God I love my in laws (most of the time ).
Now I'm going to read the whole thread!

Oh dear moomie- I am so sorry that is your experience with your new mil. That is just unacceptable. And the fact that your son feels it too is just not on. Your loyalties lie with your son, you shouldn't put him through visiting her often if she's like that with him. That could affect his self esteem. Protect your son. And get your hubby on board. Perhaps a good talk could sort it out.