to ask, if you have DC from a previous relationship, and have remarried, how do your new PIL treat their "step grandchildren" ?

[MoomieAndFreddie]

Just wondering, as reading another thread got me thinking. And sorry for long title

MIL practically ignores DS (he is 6, and from my previous marriage). I have a 3 YO dd with DH. When we are with her, its glaringly obvious that she is uninterested in him and only interested in DD. If she ever babysits, its only ever for DD, it would be unthinkable to ask her to babysit DS :(

For example, last Christmas, MIL spent about £100 on DD, and asked DH to go out and buy DS a present, from her, for "about £10" and :( ...and its not about the money, I'd rather her spend just £10 on BOTH of them, or even ONE pound, its the glaring discrepancy between them that pisses me off. And the fact she couldn't even be ARSED to choose him a present ffs.

I feel it will only get worse as the DC get older. and become more obvious to them. Have tried to talk to DH about it but he claims he can't see it. and his precious DM can do no wrong in his eyes

I have been with DH since DS was only about 18 months old, so she has known him since he was a baby, which you would think would help form a bond. And DS hates visiting her, and always plays up when we go there, its as if he knows where he is not wanted :(

To contrast, my EX Mil calls both my DC her grandchildren, buys them equal presents and absolutely loves and adores them both. They both call her "Nanna" and I even visit exMIL with just DD sometimes as DD is only in part time nursery.

It is only normal that your MIL doesn't have the same feelings for your DS as she does for her own granddaughter. Grow up.

Noone is asking for their mils to have the same feelings. Just that they might not be so bloody obvious about it. Afterall, its not the kids fault but ultimately its them who suffer.

Why would the children suffer? They have their own grandparents.

We've been really lucky, PiL have treated ds1 exactly as they have treated all the others. No rubbish about half brothers, birthdays and christmas always remembered, even though he's 27 now!

Bonsoir not in our family. And from lots of other posts too clear some are able to rise about the DNA and just be loving to a child.

Why would you write "grow up" ?

Do you think adoption is a waste of time too? You grow up.

Grow up --> understand that other people do not share your own feelings.

Adoption is entirely different. Spurious comparison.

My PIL treat DS1 (10yo, theyve known him since he was 4yo) as if he were their own flesh and blood. In fact I think they prefer him to DS2 (who they are biologically related to) as DS2 is only 3 and can be quite full on.
Your MIL is not being fair. Even if she feels differently, to treat them differently isn't on at all. How did your DH explain the gift thing?

Adoption is not a spurius comparision. I have a friend who is adopted, and as a child she was definitely treated less favourably than her cousins by her adopted grandparents, who defended their favouritism by saying she wasn't a blood relative. She doesn't have anything to do with them now.

People are talking about "blood" relatives etc so wondering how adoption fits in to your logic is not so spurious.

I don't think a (step) grandchild should be made to feel lesser beings by adults at key events like Christmas / family holidays etc. It's horrible to see it. And just because the adults understand the biology behind it all is irrelevant because all the DCs feel is inferior and that's a crappy thing to do to a kid.

So glad my MIL is grown up enough to just be loving and kind to my DS.

My stepchildren would be very uncomfortable if my parents suddenly decided to treat them as if they were their grandchildren. Their loyalty and love for their own grandparents is real and true and they don't want or need other people muscling in on their family.

My grandparents have some step grandchildren. They are not treated like grandchildren. They are invited to family events and everyone is nice to them, but my grandparents don't buy them Christmas presents and don't treat then the same.

My GPs have 8 grandchildren already aged 10-26. I think if they had fewer and the family were together more often it would be different. Also, if they didn't already have 4 GPs of their own.

Some children arent as lucky to have their own GPs. My DD doesnt.

And loyalty to own GPs doesnt tame the feelings of rejection or feeling inferior.

I am a step parent. My mum and dad are nanna and grandad to my step daughter. They treat her exactly the same as they treat my nephews. So if they spend a tenner each on them they spend exactly the same on her. That's my mums doing - she still spends exactly the same on me and my brother for Xmas and birthdays even though we have said we really dont mind if she spends more on one than the other.

If you asked my stepchildren if they felt rejected by my parents, they would look at you wide-eyed and not understand. They are not rejected. They just aren't grandchildren and don't have family feelings.

My Mum has always been good with my DP's kids - not quite 'Granny' but more like a kind Aunt. She buys them Christmas/Birthday presents and was happy to babysit when they were younger - she is different with her bio GC, but I don't think my stepkids would be unhappy about the way they have been treated.

I have been married three times. My second MiL treated, and still treats, my pfb as her own grandson and loves him. He (and her other step grandchildren) were always treated exactly the same as her actual grandchildren, and she has never by word or deeed made any distinction between them at all.
My MiL now has always done her best to pretend pfb and no2 son don't exist, I very much doubt she even knows their names without prompting. It's easier now that they are almost 22 and 18 as they don't care, but when DH and I got together they were 6 and 10. DD, no3 and no4 sons always get huge great piles of presents at Christmas and birthdays and no1 and no2 son get a selection box at Christmas and they didn't get that last year. That's the sort of difference she makes between them.
It actually doesn't bother me that much as I steer well clear of her too, ( very long story) and "ne'er the twain shall meet" so to speak, but I can appreciate that in some families it could have blown into a huge issue and caused no end of trouble.

Bonsoir do you only believe then that a child has a finite capacity to give and recieve love? Preposterous!

My SIL's daughter from her first marriage is one of us. Always has been, always will be. We love her and that's all there is to it.

My PILs are awful this way, they treat DSD completely differently to my two DDs. She gets hand made gifts, huge cards at birthdays with special messages in them and just a totally different attitude - they are quite bad tempered and rude to my DDs. DH gets quite pissed off at them. We now have a DS together and my DDs have been asked to get out of photos of him and DSD. This year my eldest DD and DSD had a joint birthday party and PIL (who thinks he is some kind of writer) wrote a special book for DSD which he gave her in front of DD. They are total dicks and as a consequence see far, far less of us than they would if they behaved decently.

My parents treat DSD completely as their grandchild and do not differentiate in any way.

ps Bonsoir, you sound delightful and positively brimming over with empathy, compassion and fantastic people skills.

Surely, peaches, it depends on the family set up. In our family the step gcs are not family. They don't live with any of our family, it just happens that their dad lives with my aunt.

What happens in your families if the step child ends up with effectively 3 sets of grandparents, and the bio child ( for want of a better phrase) has only two? It's great if grandparents welcome step grandchildren, but sometimes it is a lot more respectful of their existing grandparents to acknowledge it is a different relationship. This may not apply if there are no "bio"grandparents of course.

Eg, dss A gets 3 sets of Xmas presents ( 2x bio, 1 x step), ds B gets both bio sets, but not presents from A's bio set who may not even really know B. does that make sense to anyone?

SecretCeremonials - it is nothing to do with capacity to give and receive love, but to do with what love is (and isn't), and loyalty to those who love you.

To me, I think the key point is that if your son marries a woman with a child/children then he has taken them on as a family unit and is prepared to be 'dad' to these kids. They are his family. And therefore they should be yours too if you are his mother.