Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report the behaviour of this little charmer to the school - and if so, to whom?

35 replies

Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 01:04

I'll try to be as brief as possible, without drip-feeding.
I live abroad in my DH's country and my DD attends the local elementary school (Y2, but she would be Y3 if she was in the UK).
I work full-time, so she goes to an sfter-school club every day until I pick her up just before 5pm. The club is next door to the school, but the staff are not teachers and the whole set-up is run by the (equivalent of the) local council.

There is a Y3 boy who also attends this club every day and is making life quite unpleasant for my DD (and a few of her friends). He has to date:
Whispered "DIE" in her ear on several separate occasions, exposed himself to DD and her friend when they were reading in the 'book corner' and his latest episode yesterday, hidden round the corner from DD after she beat him at a game a group of them were playing and kicked her in the shins as she walked past.

On all occasions, he has been "made" by the staff to go and apologise to her, which he has half-heartedly done with a smirk on his face (I was there yesterday when they made him apologise to her (and me).

Obviously I've complained to the staff at the club, but they seem unable to do anything to stop him (they roll their eyes in a 'what can we do' way when I've spoken to them).

So (I think) I've made the decision to go and speak to her school staff about him. My problem is - who do I speak to? My DD's teacher and ask her to pass on the complaint? His teacher? (who I've never met and of course doesn't know me) The Head Teacher? (doesn't know me - too extreme?). Also, although this kid goes to the school, all the above episodes took place at the school club.

Am I over-reacting? My DH says we should let DD sort it out by encouraging her to attack back. She does karate, and could physically easily take the kid out but a) that's not the point of karate and b) it is not in her character to be violent. Do I encourage her to retaliate? I have a feeling that unless she does, this kid will continue his shitty behaviour, or even worse, escalate it.

Advice please!

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 11/10/2012 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/10/2012 01:20

I think you need to kick up a bigger fuss about this. Not only for your DD who shouldnt have to go through this, but also for this boy. He is displaying very worrying behaviours.

Going to the HM is not extreme IMO.

Is there a manager of the club you could go to or someone higher than who you have already spoken to?

holidaysarenice · 11/10/2012 01:24

id be raging, especially since he exposed himself.

i would want to know what action the after school club are taking other than the apology. did they speak to the parents? what action will they take if it happens again? will he be made to go home. i would point out if he exposes himself again you will be informing the police.

the school cant do anything but its worth letting ur daughters teacher know there is a problem and they can keep an eye during school time too. or to check it hasnt been a problem in his class but obviously they wont tell you this.

exposing yourself or assaulting someone is not on, the after school club have a duty to keep your daughter safe and should be taking appropriate measures with this boy.

dont let her retaliate by hitting back, its wrong, it makes her out to be sinking to his level and yes she can probably take him out but this isnt tit for tat.

monsterchild · 11/10/2012 01:29

Exposing himself and acting as a bully should be enough for the school to get involved. I would also go to the council manager of the after school program and let them know what thislittle shit kid is doing.

Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 01:35

Thanks for your replies.
As I mentioned, it seems like the after-school club are unwilling to take things further. The second time he told DD to "die", the 'teacher' who she reported this to didn't even say anything to him.
When I went to speak to them about the incidents initially, they said 'ah yes, he's naughty'. Yesterday, knowing (I assume) that I would be angry, they brought the boy to me as if they were expecting me to discipline him. It's as if they've washed their hands of him.

wannabe - the club is run by the ward office (equivalent of a local council) so there is no 'manager' as such, as far as I am aware. I thought by going to the school, it would highlight the problem to them.

Perhaps I should be asking the after-school club if they've spoken to his mother and if not, when they plan to do so.

OP posts:
ripsishere · 11/10/2012 01:41

I would be pushing for a report to his parents IIWY.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/10/2012 01:51

Then go to the council. There will be someone paying the staffs wages.

You need to go to the school also.

This little boy, terrible as his behaviour is, could be a victim of abuse.

Your daughter needs protected too. You are right to do something. Dont be afraid to make a fuss. Its serious behaviour!

Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 02:03

Thanks again.
I was shaking with anger after I heard about each incident, but then seeing the club's reactions, and speaking to DH, I thought I had over-reacted. Glad to hear that others think I am not.

As I pointed out to my DH, first of all, I want to protect my DD - she is only 7! and let her know that I am always on her side and by listening will validate her feelings. She has now asked repeatedly not to go there - why should she be made to feel anything other than safe while this kid goes around intimidating others?
Secondly, this kid needs to learn via whatever means (the school, his parents) that this kind of anti-social behaviour is nowhere near acceptable. If I could wipe the smirk off his face without resorting to illegal behaviour I would like to!

OP posts:
Smeghead · 11/10/2012 02:09

You priority must be alternative afterschool care. I appreciate that you want to sort this out but in the meantime, it is your DD that is suffering.

Then write to whatever office is responsible for this club at your local council spelling out exactly why you have withdrawn your dd, and explaining that you will be happy for her to return when these behavioural issues have been dealt with and you are satisfied that the staff are able and willing to discipline appropriately.

CaliforniaLeaving · 11/10/2012 02:11

I think it mat also depend on the country.
Here I'd go to the staff first, then the site manager (all our after school clubs are run by one office) the district office. Eventually I'd contact the sheriffs dept and ask them what to do about a child who exposes himself to my daughter and no one is doing anything.
Really I'd want to corner him and threaten him with bodily harm, but only in my imagination. They need to start taking this seriously. Has he been doing this to any other kids? Maybe get those parents to complain along with you.

Mayisout · 11/10/2012 02:21

What about suggesting that SS (or the equivalent) should be involved (due to your 'concerns about the boys sexual behaviour' and that they, the SS, might want to check up on the children's behaviour at the after school club if you raise the issue. That might shake the staff up enough to do something, such as speak to the boy's parents.

You could also point out that the children aren't being supervised properly because of what is being done to your DD. The bigger boy hitting younger children should be dealt with and the staff seem to be allowing it to happen. So you are considerimg reporting it to the council.

These are a bit extreme imo but it depends how your DD is being affected.

BleepingSooty · 11/10/2012 04:05

I'm guessing we are based in the same country.

What do you want the staff to do? Have you asked them to talk to his parents?

I would teach your daughter to complain in a loud voice whenever he does anything. She should do this each and every time and get her to tell you afterwards so you can speak to the staff about it every time.

Don't be afraid to get angry with the staff. Tell them his behaviour is unacceptable and they are to watch him more carefully.

Realistically there isn't a huge amount the staff can do though except watch him more carefully and try and nip his behavior in the bud. I don't think there is anything the school can do either unless he is bullying her at school.

Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 05:22

Bleeping - In short - want the child to stop being a shit.
My daughter has reported everything to the after-school club staff and they are obviously fully aware that I am not going to just lie back and let this continue to happen (hence them 'calling' him over yesterday at pick-up so that I could talk to him myself). The trouble is, when I show my anger, I feel my position gets weaker (you'll get this if we are in the same country!).
I am also dealing with this in a language that is not my native-tongue and that coupled with anger and frustration...well.... perhaps I'm not coming across as eloquently as I'd like.

The reason I will be going to DD's school is principally to explain the situation to them as it stands (unacceptable behaviour from this boy, club not doing anything constructive) and to see what they recommend I now do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 05:33

Sorry, looking at older posts now. Smeghead - Realistically, moving DD out of the club is not an immediate (if at all) possibility. We don't have family in the area, friends are too far and have their own young families and the alternative is that she goes home by herself and waits for me there and there's no way that's happening.
Also, writing a letter of complaint to the authorities will be tough (I'm not in the UK) and before that stage, I want to establish which "authority" I should be dealing with - hence my decision to ask DD's school for their advice.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/10/2012 06:16

I think it's a good idea to ask the school for advice. You'll also be able to observe their reaction to bullying

This is bullying, and don't be tempted to minimise it under pressure to do so from others. I've seen the effect of it on one of my children (I did not react quickly enough) and it is not pretty.

Go to the top of whichever organisation each and every time. Get hold of their policy on bullying

This is very hard, because I only know about what is expected of school and after-school organisations in the UK. I imagine attitudes vary in other countries

mummytime · 11/10/2012 06:39

I'm sorry but I would be very worried that the after school staff sound as if they don't care and are very low skilled. So it may not be a safe environment even without this boy, there will always be a troublesome kid. Admittedly he sounds although he could be in need of help.
Yes I would talk to the school.

Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 07:19

OK, I'll be leaving work in half an hour or so and will go straight to DD's school to talk to someone (her teacher, the Head...).

Thanks to all of you that have offered constructive advice Smile

[Deep breaths]

OP posts:
nerfgunsftw · 11/10/2012 07:56

Obviously if you were in the UK I would not be giving this advice. Escalation through the chain like you want to do would be the best response. But. As you are stuck. And she has to go there. And the staff are rubbish. And (as you said) she could take him. I would give her permission to hit back. Don't start trouble but feel free to retaliate. At least it will make her life easier while you pursue the correct course.

horsebiscuit · 11/10/2012 08:16

If he is also doing this sort of thing to "a few of her friends", what are the other parents' views? As your opinions will carry more weight if you are not the sole complainant.

Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 10:08

OK, quick update: I went into the school and spoke to DDs teacher. She is going to meet the boys teacher, the Head and the after-school club staff to discuss the next steps and get back to me. Thank you to all those who offered advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennybubbly · 11/10/2012 10:13

horse - Am not sure what DDs friends mums are planning to do - if anything. However, DDs teacher said his name was known in the staffroom, so I don't think for a minute that I'm going to have to convince anyone this boy is trouble.

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 11/10/2012 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 11/10/2012 14:56

I think it is very sad that this boy is known as "trouble" rather than "at risk". Which actually sound very likely.

But well done, and hopefully your DDs safety will be ensured.

ripsishere · 12/10/2012 02:05

I don't think it is sad, I think it is realistic. Some children are 'trouble' or 'troubled'. Identifying them could help them in the long run.

Smeghead · 12/10/2012 02:12

But rip, I think mummys point is that by labelling him as "trouble" he may not actually get the help he needs if he is "troubled". Why would anyone go out of their way to look deeper than his surface behaviour if his so-called "carers" have decided that he is just very naughty?

Often children who have been thought of as a pita stay that way, when in fact they have had horrible home lives and with the right help could be happy and productive children/teens/adults. Writing a child off at the age of 8 really can have long term effects.

Perhaps his behaviour at this club is his immature way of showing people how unhappy he is. It may not be, but surely those in authority owe it to him to find out which it is?