Really don't know what to think - death, abuse, family!!

[Hollyhock82]

Namechanged (you'll see why), I'll try and keep this short and sweet and really didn't know where to post this but feel I need some perspective, and that perspective would be better from people outside this situation who I don't have to see every day! Please be sensitive with this though, it is a really difficult subject - but I felt I was being a fraud puting it in Relationships and felt it was too important to call it 'Chat'.

Here goes.... my grandfather was a serial, long term sexual abuser who abused me and other family members. He abused me over a period of 3 years as a child when I used to regularly stay with gp (3 times a week) as my father was a farmer and my mother did nightshifts. When all was revelaed and my DPs went to the police and court (he was convicted for 14 years) my grandmother swore she never knew it was happening. However still to this day i do not believe her, I believe he was a wife beater, an emotional abuser and she was terrified of him. Him going to prison was a huge relief for her and she turned her back on him. I cannot get over not believing her, she would get up early and knew the my Grandad would always want his 'special cuddles' with me in the morning (this was always when the abuse happened). She would never come up stairs and check on me, never call me down etc and every time I tried to get up early with her, she would send me back to bed and say I had to stay there till 7.30am. There was even one incident when she told me off for trying to hide away some knickers in my bag to take home which, after a particularly nasty incident were bloody, and she would wash them before I went home and told me I wasn't to tell my parents as they would be mad at me. I remember this clearly and it has stayed with me.

My Nan is lying in hospital this evening dying. She is unlikely to make it through the night. In the past 8 years I have seen her twice. I have always meant to go and see her more and try and put the past behind us and understand that she was just a very frightened victim herself. My father has tried to maintain a relationship with her but is abroad at the moment and extremely upset that he cannot be with her. My older siblings have gone to the hospital, but I have choosen not too. I feel like a fraud if I go, but then I keep thinking she is dying, surely now is the time for forgiveness. I don't know what I feel, I keep trying to work out if I am sad or feeling guilty and the only image that keeps coming to my mind is her telling me off for having dirty knickers. In many other ways in my early childhood she was a lovely nan.

I am so confused and trying to make sense of this, part of me thinks have I posted this in AIBU to get a tirade of abuse for being an awful grand-daughter as I almost feel I deserve that. I just cannot face it and cannot face dealing with all these thoughts shooting round my head....

I'm so sorry, I think I would find it difficult to forgive her or feel any sadness or sympathy. But you must do what you feel is best for you and follow your heart.

Sorry I hadn't read the whole thread.

I agree you have no moral responsibility towards any of these adults. And I'm really glad that you've had such a great family to support you.

My gran imo turned a blind eye to abuse although she swears she didn't know. But she didn't speak to any of her kids for 18 years, I never knew her growing up but find it difficult to feel anything for her although now she is just an old lady but she has never really shown any remorse for anything she has done.

Oh sweetheart :(

I agree with so many posters. She may be vulnerable now but she turned a blind eye to the abuse you suffered as a vulnerable child, and is complicit by her inaction to protect you.

I think you need to give yourself permission to protect yourself now, from her final rejection of you, because she will not apologise for putting her needs before yours, and because you are likely to feel intimidated by your family, all of whom are behaving awfully by blaming you for seeking justice.

Your parents sound lovely, and I believe that your Dad will understand.

Hope the next few weeks are not too difficult for you. If it feels very difficult, come back here, we will support you x

As an 11-12 year old, my mum was abused by her stepfather & was disbelieved when she tried to say anything - when as an adult it all came out in a family row, her mother cut all contact with her (& with me & my brother & subsequently our children). When Gran was dying some twenty years later, mum visited her & it transpired that she had known all about it at the time but as she was frightened of him, chose to do nothing. Very sad, especially all those lost years of family contact.

I agree with the others that you don't have any moral obligation to go. It's not like she doesn't have anyone there for her. Just look after yourself, you are the victim in all of this. She may have been a victim too but she had a lot more power and options than you, as a young child, did. She has also had the chance to apologise and never did.

I wasn't there when my dad died, i still felt I had things to say to him so I put a card in his coffin with my words in it. maybe a letter to her would help you tell her how you feel, even if its never read and goes into her coffin when she dies. as someone upthread said, just because people are dead doesn't mean you can't put them straight on a thing or two.