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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just be utterly fed up

76 replies

onceortwice · 09/10/2012 13:26

Life is uterly shit at the moment.

I had invited two friends for lunch today. Confirmed as late as yesterday.

Cooked them lovely soup. COoked the kids a lovely meal.

They didn't show. No response to texts / calls.

DD upset because she is eating alone and she was expecting friends. I'm upset because I went to quite a bit of effort and, once again, no one else gives a shit.

These mums have children in my DS's class, which is why I was keen to have them around.

Nothing. So loads of food gone to waste, DD upset because 'friends' haven't turned up and another nail in the coffin of DS ever being accepted at school.

Loads of other (shit) stuff going on at the moment, but this has just really got to me today.

Please don't tell me I'm BU (or if you have to, be gentle)

OP posts:

MaryZed · 09/10/2012 20:57

You are not pathetic.

There is very little in life that is worse than seeing your children unhappy - it is perfectly reasonable to expect him to go to school and make freinds. Sadly with children with ASD, it is much harder.

You can only do your best, and it might be a bit of trial and error but you will find nicer people, with children who will be nice to your son. You will learn to brush off the fuckwits .

As he gets older he will make friends and these first few years of school will be but a memory.

I hope his arm is ok

DinosaurSchool · 09/10/2012 21:44

You are definitely not pathetic! You are nice and decent and working hard for your son.

Try with some different mums. I would also do one at a time, its much easier to get to know people that way.

You have had a rotten day bless you. Drink tea/wine/gin.

Original poster

onceortwice · 10/10/2012 11:06

Thanks, Dinosaur and Mary - I'll take the tea and wine. Don't touch spirits... (My liver is thankful for this!)

I'm not sure whether to go and see my doctor though. It's not right when something so trivial tips you over the edge is it?

I hate taking DS to school. He hates it and I can feel the other mothers looking at us. Most of them probably just pity me and are not too sure of what to say, but there are a few who patently feel my DS is ruining thier oh-so-perfect child's education by merely being there.

My marriage is suffering. DH actually accused me of having (or wishing to have) an affair with one of our builders. The only close friends I do have around here now all know that. Obviously, I have said that nothing is / has / would ever go on, but it's just horrible to think my DH actually thinks that and told people. And, honestly, I never do anything without the kids. Ever.

OP posts:

alienreflux · 10/10/2012 11:10

why can't you give them the soup? would feel like saying "no, you can shove a tea invite up your arse you inconsiderate cow" but guess that's a bit ott.
don't invite them again though :(

MaryZed · 10/10/2012 11:12

Do you have anyone to talk to irl? Someone who understands and can let you rant? Both you and your dh need that, really, as it sounds as though life is very stressful atm.

I have been for counselling recently and it has really helped me to understand that there are some things in my life I can control, but many I can't. I was tearing myself in little pieces trying to control the uncontrollable, and falling apart . Do you have an alternative to school? Or an alternative school?

Are there specific things he doesn't like about it that could be worked on? Are they willing to even discuss it with you?

If he has just started, it will settle down. And don't worry about the other mothers; the nice ones will understand, the others aren't worth worrying about.

The other thing that might be worth looking for is a support group for parents of children with ASD. It is a great way to meet people in the same boat as you. They sometimes have group parenting courses, which would help both your self-esteem, your stress and your ability to manage difficult situations (and to rant about other parents).

alienreflux · 10/10/2012 11:14

yes, what maryzed said!!!!

imnotmymum · 10/10/2012 11:17

I would say I have other plans. Really rude. Do not be treated like that. Soup will freeze.

Original poster

onceortwice · 10/10/2012 11:17

It was food for the kids that was the problem, not the adults.

I thought it was just going to be the little kids (my DD and their little ones, all same or yourger than DD) so did rice, veggies, some meat, tomatoes etc., with fruit for pudding. This is fine when DS is at school.

DS has many and complex issues with food. If he was having friends over, it really does have to be pizza. Even though he is over 4, I have to feed him... which is why I was keen to have a chat with the mums without DS / other boys in his class first... before they had a playdate, IYSWIM.

And, DS would really struggle just to have all the veggies on the table like that.. He still has most of his food pureed, as it makes it easier for him. The only things he can / will eat on his own are pizza, bread (won't eat butter or a sandwich.. just bread) and crisps. That's it. So, I like to have people around first so I can let them know that DS isn't just doing it to be a PITA.

OP posts:

alienreflux · 10/10/2012 11:23

honestly love, don't stress yourself or your ds out over their inconsideration. If it's going to be a problem, text and say, look i really can't do tea time, can do lunch tomorrow/fri whatever.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/10/2012 11:26

Why would your DH tell people he suspected you were having an affair?

Does he often do things like this? Or put you down?

Valdeeves · 10/10/2012 11:26

So sorry to hear that - what did you do in the end? How's your son getting on at school now? I've worked with autistic children and under how it must be for him.

Original poster

onceortwice · 10/10/2012 11:38

Yes, Wannabe, he does often do stuff like this. He checks everything I write, whether here or FB or texts or emails.. He will read this. Though, we did reach a new low last week when he went through my phone AND the phone bill to check messages I'd deleted.

Why did he think I was having an affair? Because I texted one of the builders. Thanked him for helping with DS and for cheering me up. In a roundabout way, I said I'd miss THEM (not just him) when they were finished, as they've become good friends (they've been here since the start of 2012.. full time). I said the same to one of their WIVES the weekend before.

Now, of course, I cannot speak to them. They get work by reputation, they cannot have allegations like that flying around. But, yes, this is definitely the worst / most embarrassing, but he's done stuff like this before.

OP posts:

CookingFunt · 10/10/2012 11:51

Oh pet my heart goes out to you. Your dh sounds insecure and controlling and tbh you sound very down. Have you got any family around you?

MaryZed · 10/10/2012 11:59

Was he always like this onceortwice?

I know from experience that bringing up a child with autism is very hard work. It can seem that everything you do is wrong, and dh and I used to fight and argue a lot in the early days about how to manage things. It was very lonely to be the parent of the child who "caused trouble" when we went places.

But if your husband was always like this, and not just reacting to stress, it will be even harder to cope with on top of coping with your son, and you both really need some extra guidance.

I'm bearing in mind that he will read this - and I would like to add that mumsnet kept me sane at times when life was very difficult. And one of the ways it kept me sane was that I could write exactly what I thought, even about dh and ds, knowing that they wouldn't read it and therefore I could be honest in my feelings and work out how to live. If I had to watch what I said because he was reading I wouldn't have got so much honest help and advice.

We as a family have survived, and are much closer now than we have been for years, but we have (like all parents of children with SN) gone through tough times.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/10/2012 11:59

That isnt normal OP. You have a right to privacy.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 10/10/2012 12:16

How does he know what sites you go on?

I find this odd and controlling and throwing up a gazillion red flags, tbh.

He obsessively checks your calls and texts. He reads everything you post online. He accuses you publicly of having an affair.

OP, please check out the Women's aid website. I am concerned for you.

The way your partner tries to control your every waking move is abusive. You are allowed to talk to anyone you wish to. Texting a builder does not mean you are having an affair!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/10/2012 13:03

I second what Couthy says.

Original poster

onceortwice · 10/10/2012 16:07

I don't know how he knows so much, to be honest. I know he's used a key logger before (I'm talking 2002/3) but I am not sure if he still has stuff like that. He makes sure all bills are sent to him, electronically, so I never see them.

Ironically, he quite likes a reasonable amount of privacy himself, which I do find a little disconcerting.

This last episode has really shaken me. I know, back in 2010, he had a nice little flirtation going on at work. I questioned him about it. He told me there was nothing going on and I took his word absolutely. I never made a scene with any of his co-workers or this woman. Which is what makes this so horrible. He went mental / I told him there was nothing in it, and it wasn't good enough. He went to BOTH chaps and another friend. (that I know of) My word wasn't good enough. ANd, even though it's been utterly and totally proven that I (or the chap) did anything wrong, I am somehow still in the dock. How is that?

OP posts:

MaryZed · 10/10/2012 16:08

Are you safe to talk about this on here?

I'm a bit worried about you (and I don't usually say that )

wannabedomesticgoddess · 10/10/2012 16:10

Im concerned too. Key loggers? You dont see bills?

Have you looked at the Womens Aid website yet?

JustFabulous · 10/10/2012 17:26

Wipe your history and get the fuck out.

He is treating you like he is the boss of you, is superior to you, owns you.

He isn't.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 11/10/2012 13:54

He's financially, mentally and emotionally abusive to you, OP. Leave him. You'll be much better off - in all ways - as a single parent. And I hope you read this Mr Onceortwice you pathetic sack of shit.

willyoulistentome · 11/10/2012 13:59

I think you should say yes to tea, and then NOT BE IN"!!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 11/10/2012 14:09

OP, I really feel for you wrt your DS and those nasty mums from school. But what's made me feel really worried is what you've written about your DH It's not normal to have that level of control over someone, the public humiliation etc. That's making me feel quite concerned for you.

Original poster

onceortwice · 11/10/2012 18:45

Thanks guys.

Just got a whole lot more shit today - DS has been refused a statement. They have given him a very long winded Note in Leiu, but it means nothing. I can't enforce it and the school aren't legally obligated to anything with it.

Without a statement, I will take DS out of school. Not ideal but there is no sane way I can leave DS in school without extra support. There just isn't.

OP posts:

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