Or was I over reacting to be a bit surprised by nephews eating habits?

[IShallCallYouSquishy]

I have no experience of 4.5 year olds as my DD is only 4.5months so not sure if this is normal behaviour or not!

Yesterday we went to my SIL house for Sunday lunch. Was very delicious and was lovely of her to invite us over. I was a bit surprised to see my nephew eating his entire lunch, gravy soaked mash potato included, with his hands. There was cutlery at the side of his plate but he just ignored it. SIL said once or twice "can you use your fork/spoon please" but when he just ignored her nothing more was said. If I look back on other recent times he's eaten that I've seen, I've never seen him use cutlery.

Now my experience of a child eating is shoving DD on my boob so nowhere near the feeding herself stage, but at 4.5 should a child be using cutlery?

Will completely accept if it's normal and I shouldn't of been shocked by it, but I honestly thought a school age child should be able to use cutlery to feed themselves.

8yo DS prefers to only eat with his hands, although he wouldn't eat anything so drippy as mash with gravy (doesn't eat either of those anyway).

We've kind of made a truce as long as DS washes his hands afterwards. And it would not be allowed at Granny's house.

I'm not saying that boys and girls are exactly the same

But there is a lot of labelling of boys/girls and their behaviour - boys are 'expected' to be cheeky little monkeys - which often means they are allowed to get away with bad behaviour that little girls are not. Similar behaviour from girls is frowned upon as opposed to indulged.

tM08
Kids' cutlery is indeed rubbish. Why don't you just give her a proper knife. Especially at over 4yo.
All my lo's have proper knives from the small toddler stage teamed with a small fork. They get frustrated if the knife doesn't work properly and as they're highly unlikely to stab themselves to death with a dinner knife that's what they use.

My DS is six in Feb uses his hands to eat loads, I think he just prefers it. We remind him to use his cutlery and he does for a bit, then forgets and goes back to hands, we remind him again, and so it goes on. No sn.

I weaned my children by mostly just putting bits of soft(ish) food on their tray for them to pick up and eat. I only fed them things like yogurt and porridge, the rest they just picked up and fed themselves. They all eat just about everything I put in front of them and are not fussy eaters, but they all like eating with their hands, especially DS. I have never made mealtimes a battlefield but do remind them to use cutlery, I don't think they use hands as a power thing because when I remind them they stop.

at a 4yr old being called extremely naughty!

My 4 yr is exploring her world, inquisitive about what happens if she does x, y, & z. By their very nature they need adventure & to interact with their world.

Also that not using cutlery is extremely naughty. My girls are 4 & 9, can use it, but sometimes use their fingers. At least they are eating. They won't be using their hands when they are teens.

Traditional in India to eat with your hands.

My 4.5 year old sometimes uses cutlery, sometimes not. She knows to eat properly at school and in restaurants. So if at home, she picks up chips or sausages with her hands then I will occasionally remind her but I generally don't care enough about the issue to have a full blown row over it. (Although I can't see her attempting to eat mash with her hands).

I have friends who insist on it. For some it just makes for a shouty mealtime.

If your DD is just 4.5 months you will learn at least if your child is a stubborn one like mine to pick your battles. Otherwise life gets very shouty. also DD is very good at knowing if I don't really give a shit about the issue

yellow and a 4 year old girl might seem extremely naughty. Really...the crap people say about boys being especially challenging riles me so much. All it does is underline the way we let males get away with more due to being male!

Oh but he's a boy...they are naughtier is unfair on boys AND girls.

Mi MIL still does this and she's 50+ so do both my BILs, my SILs and FIL, and DH at times.

But they are Asian and I get at for using cutlery DD does as she pleases on the day as usual

Perhaps he was having a multicultural day

"traditional in India to eat with your hands"
Also traditional in inuit countries to wipe your greasy hands on a fellow guests clothes after eating ( sign of politeness as it helps waterproof the coat)
Doesn't mean it's acceptable round a dinner table with mash and gravy in Tunbridge Wells.

hmmm this is a tricky one, yes they should be able to eat with cutlery but my 8yo DS will avoid it where ever possible (but not mash to be fair). My just 5yo will use a fork and spoon and occasionaly a knife but if it's easy to pick up with fingers they often do. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I remind them.

To be honest, if it was a choice between them eating without fussing and whining (looking at you there DS2) or using their fingers then I would go for the latter.

My ds 4.7 always uses cutlery but that because he chooses too, I wouldn't have a issue if he didnt. It is a but unusual but I wouldn't say anything to be shocked or worried about.

But they ARE different, read Steve Biddulph Boys are Different,they learn differently, tend in general to reach milestones later, I did not say they ARE extremely naughty, I said some might perceive their behaviour as this. And yes this could apply to a little girl too.

And I don't see it at all as boys being allowed to get away with stuff, quite the opposite in fact, I find them being tutted at for running about while a girl is sitting drawing nicely.

And I don't think you can compare child development to the sexism that goes on with adults, totally different subject.

I wouldn't find it unusual that a 4yo struggles with cutlery, and it does sound like he was being encouraged but in company sometimes its easier that all the meal gets eaten rather than how. Especially if he may struggle with cutlery and take a long time normally. Dd (4) is just learning to use a knife to cut her food up and push food onto a fork. She's been using cutlery for about 2.5 years and still asks if she can use her fingers. Ds (2) has the baby cutlery and will frequently just pick food up because he finds it quicker, especially with peas which roll off anything.

we have one of those big cutlery canteens with starter cutlery and have found they are the ideal size for DD, and as effective as full size cutlery knives.

Ask your SIL if she wants you to say something about it next time. Sometimes an outsider saying eg, "fancy a big boy like you eating like a baby" can be worth 10,000 times of the parent saying the same thing.

I have the opposite issue with my 2.11 year old. He uses cutlery or everything.

He will use a knife and fork to eat sandwiches.He won't use his hands at all. He is known to use cutlery with biscuits

I leave him to it though. At least he is eating.

Does the little boy in question have a younger sibling?
DS was pretty good with cutlery age 2 but then regressed when his sister was weaned. When I expresed concern, childcare professionals said to not make an issue of it (to reduce sibling rivalry).
He is 9 and pretty good with cutlery nowadays apart from chips and pizza but even I agree that they taste better when eaten with fingers!

I don't think I ever said he was extremely naughty? I've said he can be naughty sometimes but wouldn't say he was anything out the ordinary. But yes, my very limited time as a mother means that I genuinely wouldn't know what was actually naughty or just normal pushing of boundaries etc. like I said he can be such a sweet and loving little boy and will run up and give you a big cuddle, rarely needs prompting by SIL and BIL to say his please and thank you's, loves showing you his toys and what he's been doing, and is a bright little boy.

My DD mastered the screaming in the supermarket at 2 months old so can't wait till she's 2 years

I know I've got lots to come in the future and in 4 years time will be thinking "do I battle this with people over or just let it be".

somewherelse: no he has 13 year old half brother that only stays at weekends so not copying baby or anything.

I would be but worried at saying to SIL if she wants me to say anything as I'd hate her to think I was interfering. "AIBU to be pissed off my SIL, who only has a little baby, told me how to raise my son" anyone?!

Oh goodness - please don't try and speak to your nephew like that! If I was your SIL I'd be fuming

BigBroomstick: See above!!

Agree don't say that to your nephew. If someone said that to my son I'd be a bit like this

Don't worry about it until he comes to give you a cuddle with those mucky mashed potato fingers.

Out of interest does he go and wash his hands after eating with them? I wouldn't fancy sticky fingers over my furniture.

Going by personal experience, I would expect a 4.5 yo to use some kind of cutlery. Maybe not a knife, but certainly a fork and spoon.

There may be some other things going on behind the scenes that you're not aware of though.

I often forget to use cutlery . I do have quite a few minor sensory and co ordination things going on though. I use it when I remember. I would use it for mash though.

On the boys v girls thing, I have two dds, and if dd2 was a boy, I would say boys and girls are different. Dd1 sits and reads, plays little games with her number rods, pretends to be a princess, likes her hair to be pretty. Dd2 runs about, shouting about trains :-D. My friend has one of each, the boy is cuddly and sweet, the girl is a little terror (lovely, but loud and energetic) :-) I can only onclude that children are different, and that sometimes a child is unconciously encouraged to behave in a gendered way.

My DS is 4.5 and at the moment seems to be going through a phase of wanting to eat with his hands a lot. It doesn't bother me too much (I'm usually all battled out by Dinner time and am just happy he's eating) but DH (who has been at work all day and only gets home at Dinner time) can often be heard repeating "DS, please use your fork/spoon*" over and over and over and over and over.

I think if we had company over and were trying to create a less stressed atmosphere, we might just let him get on with it though, especially if we were distracted by chatting with our guests.

*we also don't bother with the kids knives as they're next to useless.