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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how can any one walk out on a child/baby (reason)

30 replies

santaisNOTathreat · 05/10/2012 22:25

I have not had an easy start to being a mother, I always knew there was something not right about DC1 (ASD) and DC2 had colic and cried and cried and cried.

there is many of times i felt like walking out of the door, i have had PND on both DC. I am not the worlds perfect mum far from it. There is something god knows what that makes me stay.

I wish i was one of those mums, that can work, have a clean home, cook fresh meals and be wonder woman

Aibu to wonder when it get easy, when does it get to the point when all this juggling gets to the point when every day is not an up hill stuggle

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 05/10/2012 22:28

I don't know. Just wanted to give you a hand to hold. I have at least one day a week when I really don't think I can do this parenting thing any more. So I understand how you're feeling.

Big un-MN hugs.

Iggly · 05/10/2012 22:28

Oh spinds tough. How old are they?

Mine are 3 and 10 months and it's been bloody hard. Both had reflux and food intolerances, dd had tongue tie so screamed a lot in the early months.

It feels bearable now but I get tired from the broken nights and running around. No perfect mum here.

Original poster
santaisNOTathreat · 05/10/2012 22:30

DS is 6, mental age of a 3 year old and DD is 3

OP posts:
LivingThings · 05/10/2012 22:31

Aibu to wonder when it get easy, when does it get to the point when all this juggling gets to the point when every day is not an up hill stuggle

Thinkthis may actualy be the AIBU question in your post but it's really not clear. You will prob get better clearer answers if you change the post title.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/10/2012 22:31

You are the perfect mum. Very few people have it all - most drop one or more "balls" in the juggling. How old are your DC? Mine are 5 and 3, and every day no longer feels like an uphill struggle, but I remember typing a post like this (no PND for me) maybe a year ago. Just "when do I stop getting through the days and start enjoying life again?"

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/10/2012 22:32

It will be harder when your DC1 has SN I appreciate. I don't know the answer, sorry. Are you getting support from the SN boards as well?

Claire2009 · 05/10/2012 22:32

Dc2 is asd and that alone is never going to be easy. Dc1 is very highly strung/emotional (6 going on 16) so all go here. I have days where all I want to do is stay in my bed..... lol
I had a very long night with dc2 last night and have done a nerve in my neck sleeping awkwardly! Life is soooo fun just keep smiling things could be worse! Thats what i keep telling myself anyway lol

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/10/2012 22:32

LT I think the OP just wanted to vent, rather than specific answers to a specific question

Claire2009 · 05/10/2012 22:33

OP, ds is 5 mental age of a 3yr old. Pm if u want a chat

Original poster
santaisNOTathreat · 05/10/2012 22:37

livingThings :) i put (reason) in brackets because i think it is a reason.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 05/10/2012 22:38

I suspect the people you think are perfect are far from it, everything changes when it's behind closed doors.

How were you at coping with things pre-DC?

Don't worry about rephrasing your AIBU, we know what you mean Smile

SuperSlattern · 05/10/2012 22:39

I don't know anyone who is like that. I'm certainly not and I only have my DD.

Them that have it all obviously have a cleaner and nanny Wink

Don't beat yourself up x

katykuns · 05/10/2012 22:42

I have a 6 year old autistic DD, she appeared to go through the 'terrible 2's' stage for an incredibly long time, and at a far greater severity than many children of her age. I used to feel a painful sense of relief when I got her into nursery, because I felt like I was doing a shit job.

I am not sure when it got easier, I suspect it hasn't... but I have just become a bit more resilient and I have begun to really not give a shit about people and their opinions.My DD is still very behind, academically, emotionally and socially. But she still has friends, and is a happy person. Her behaviour can still be taxing, but it's far more manageable.

Keep going!

Original poster
santaisNOTathreat · 05/10/2012 22:43

Pre-DC i was together. I was a TA in a school and also worked in a private nursey.

i don't think i am cut of for this, i really don't.

I love my kids and would walk over hot coal and sell my soul to the devil. i am fiding hard

OP posts:
JakeBullet · 05/10/2012 22:44

I am right there with you OP, my son is 9 and has ASD, ADHD and Dyspraxia.i know women too who manage to cope with a disabled child, work and have a clean house. I a not one of them and despair at times.

Going to see if I can find the lovely affirmations for the mother of an autistic child. Fabulous and very well worth remembering....if I find them I'll be right back with a link.

Original poster
santaisNOTathreat · 05/10/2012 22:48

perhaps i should just man up and stop feeling sorry for myself.

OP posts:
VintageEbonyGuitar · 05/10/2012 22:49

I don't care what the aibu is.

Parenting can be so hard sometimes, I had days of putting mine to bed, going to the toilet and sobbing. And I only had one with additional needs.

Can you ask friends or family for some more support, like an evening off or something. And vent away here, most people are supportive.

VintageEbonyGuitar · 05/10/2012 22:51

Sorry, that should be one with no additional needs.

SavoyCabbage · 05/10/2012 22:51

Being a mother is really hard. I bet loads of people you know are struggling, people just don't talk about it.

People don't have perfect lives. They might look good from the outside but I don't know anyone who has a perfect life when you look beneath the surface.

I know a woman whose husband leaves and returns from work when the dc are asleep. And not cos it's a good job but because it's far.
I know a woman who has decided with her dh to stay married because they can't afford to divorce.
I know a woman who has not a penny to feed and clothe her dc and she's has another baby.
I know a woman whose husband left her and their 10 year old for a mail order bride. He's just had a baby.

And my dh took a job On the other side of the world without telling me. We have been here three years and eight months.

flow4 · 05/10/2012 22:52

Oh santa, it's really hard sometimes, isn't it? :(

You don't need to be 'perfect' you just need to be 'good enough'... And for your kids, you'll be the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread. :)

I don't actually believe there ARE any of those 'super-mums'. The women who seem most glossy and perfect often have a mum/nanny/other help, or are a total mess under the surface. I don't have any of that, and all I can manage is a half-time job and a house where the dirty washing basket is always bigger than the bath Grin And your kids are much younger than mine.

If you're short of sleep it's hard to cope. When I look back, I realise that I didn't have a single unbroken night in 6 out of 7 years at the start of my kids' lives Confused

You probably need a hug more than advice... But when I was depressed, the two things that helped most were counselling (I asked my GP) and forcing myself to do something nice for myself every couple of days - going swimming, dancing, having a coffee with a friend... I'd really recommend it: you need your batteries re-charged regularly :)

Original poster
santaisNOTathreat · 05/10/2012 22:52

My parents do not belive DS is ASD, MiL is lovelt but she does way too much atm to help and truth be told i don't think she understands.

OP posts:
JakeBullet · 05/10/2012 22:56

Here we go, Meditations for an Autism Mom. It rang a lot of bells for me and made me think about how I blame myself so much.

Here

LivingThings · 05/10/2012 22:56

livingThings i put (reason) in brackets because i think it is a reason.
oh Santias please dont think I was being awkward/nasty - just thinking that a different title might gain more attention/advice. I find it struggle enought dealing with my children who do hot have any special needs.

JakeBullet · 05/10/2012 22:59

I have up work back in March (having worked solidly since 1982) as I could no longer cope with that and DS. It is without a doubt the best thing I ever did...I am still exhausted but at east I no longer have work to contend with.

I am not perfect but I am doing the best I can given the circumstances.

Exhaustion is a killer, I think we all hear you about the urge to walk away because no doubt many of us have been there.

aamia · 06/10/2012 09:12

I think without a supportive partner it very easily gets too much. I'm only at the start of this whole parenting thing, but it helps hugely when I'm exhausted and worried and DH can take a baby shift and let me sleep. Without that, I think good friends and something you do for yourself must be the most important thing. I have a horse and got back on two weeks after baby because I simply needed some stress relief and to do something for me, just for ten minutes. It put everything else into perspective and made it easier. Have you got a hobby? A friend/relative who could babysit for even half an hour while you have some fun?

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