to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

[SoleSource]

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

I actually tend to stride along with a scowl on my face, to deter chuggers and energy salesmen!

And yeah, young people are ideal victims. It's that stage between feeling obliged to hug uncle Danny, auntie Mavis because your parents said so, and becoming an adult who thinks she's in charge oof her body, or believes she's entitled to make exceptions for particular body areas/people.

Oh that makes more sense. Thought it meant someone who had a wonky walk!

Yes lost virginity at 14 to older man. I was a troubled teen. I spiralled out of control after that till my early 20s but am OK now so I don't think about it any more. Have been very careful of my own DDs, lucky enough to give them their own cars so they were not dependant on men, made sure their self esteem was as high as I could, and bluntly told them what happened to me so they could avoid the same mistakes.

Could we please refer to women and girls, rather than "females"? "Females" could be any animal so it's a bit of a de-humanising term.

I have read every single post.

Each and every single perssons experiences are true and we believe you x

Never had any abuse form within the family though so guess I am lucky in that respect, thats far more damaging from what I can see as they are people you should be able to trust.

Conditioning! That's the word I was trying to think of last night. I wasn't particularly conditioned to be aware of potential assault situations when young. In fact I was more than averagely naive in lots of ways. But I was conditioned to be a right awkward antisocial cuss who didn't do things I didn't want to do. My mum would say this was an innate characteristic, but she is an awkward cuss too so I'm not sure I believe her.

If there is any reason beyond pure luck why I've never been attacked, perhaps that is it. It comes with its immense downsides though. Lots of bullying, difficulty understanding social ebb and flow in friendships etc. It's basically lacking some forms of socialisation! It may make you immune to some bad stuff, but you lose good stuff with it.

So maybe that doesn't get us very far. It would all be much simpler if the men just didn't do it. And on that note, if you're going to tell your DDs, please tell your DSs as well. Whole point is it shouldn't be a shameful little secret among women.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but YANBU OP. I have also been a victim, though not as awful as some of the stories on here.:(

It's awful that behaviour of this nature is so widespread. I don't know what we can do about it. I never reported what happened to me. Perhaps I should have done, but I just wanted it out of my mind.

Ye-es youmaylogout but I always feel guilty when I say women and girls on two counts. Firstly, boys are abused. Secondly, I feel like I am denying the experiences of a transgender person I know who is biologically female but doesn't identify as a woman or a man. And that person has suffered a lot.

I'm disturbed by the pp who thinks that because she took the 'correct' safeguarding steps in her younger life, she wasn't sexually assaulted.

In my younger days I have (possibly unwisely) flouted all the safety advice - I have got into taxis drunk out of my mind, walked through carparks and alleyways in the wee small hours and taken complete strangers home for sex. I've even taken taken complete strangers home and not had sex with them, with no problem. Obviously I was 'lucky'.

My major sexual assaults (attempted rape and rape) happened in the safety of my own home, by people I knew and should have been able to trust.

Unless we want to have to teach our daughters to trust no one, ever, we need to start tackling this with our sons as well as our daughters. We need to stop brushing male predatory behaviour under the carpet, and just accepting it as 'what men do'.

flippinada not at all, it is never the victims fault. Ever. Only the fault of the piece of shit who committed the act.

I just don't understand why my lovely, kind, fun and beautiful friend puts up with shit from men who take advantage. It's like a nasty cycle that something bad happened ages ago, so she doesn't have the confidence to speak out, which twats seem to pick up on and take advantage of

And there is something to be said for trying not to put yourself in risky situations. For example, we all should feel able to walk down the street without fear of mugged. But there are some streets I sure as hell don't walk down at night on my own, and you take other steps to reduce the chances of being mugged by not having headphones in, not having your iPhone out.

Women shouldn't have to be constantly worried about fear of sexual assault, but there is something to be said about trying to minimise the risk.

I kind of see it like this:

Bad things happen. This is not good and it's not right.
Bad things are more likely to happen in certain situations.
I don't want bad things to happen to me or my friends (well, anyone). So if a situation seems dodgy (eg drunk friend wanting to walk home on her own, or an overly pushy guy wanting me to go back to his) then I'll try and alter the situation by arranging for us all to share a taxi or walk her home, or call half a taxi and not go home with tr pushy guy..

You can't do anything to ensure you never get assaulted/abused but you can try and limit the oppertunities for it happening.
Unfortunately abusers pick on those that are least able to alter the situation e.g employer who knows you can't afford I loose your job, or whatever.

"I think that is quite a lot lucky, but also partly trying not to put myself in dodgy situations."

I had my crotch grabbed by a man as I stepped onto a train in rush hour. I was respectably dressed btw. Silly me to put myself in such a dodgy situation.

I think the "dodgy situations" thing is at best a game of averages. Maybe staying out of them lessens your chances of being attacked on any given day. But there are plenty of examples of attacks in non-dodgy situations.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones I would say you were very unlucky to have been raped :-(

But I would also say your were quite lucky not to have had anything bad happen to you (not just sexually) of you were wandering around deserted car parks at night, out of your mind.

The worst elements of society pray on those least able to defend themselves, and by doing the above you probably were wry lucky never to have been mugged. Or else you live in a safer area than me!

Ok whois maybe my response was a little harsh.

Buy the problem is when you say it didn't happen to me because xyz....that ours some fault on the person who has been abused.

When the reality is abusers are very skilled at spotting victims and isolating them.

Also a lot of abusers are someone who is known to the victim and considered trustworthy.

My assaults as a teen happened in the daytime in a doctor's consulting room, a grocer's shop, a sports hall and in a family home. Nothing apparently risky about those places.

Sorry - ours should say put.

AllPastYears you were unlucky. I did say there was luck involved if you read my post.

Can I ask what you did after your crotch was grabbed?

Hi bushy, I was brought up in the 70s and 80s.

My mom never worked and had a very controlling relationship with my dad, he gave her money each week for the housekeeping, she never worked, he basically had the upper hand.

Both me and my Sis were encouraged to be ' ladies' sounds funny now but it meant basically be sweet, gentle, compliant, don't argue, don't embarrass parents. When I told my mom about the school taxi driver, ' tickling in my knickers' she told me not to be silly.

Now my dds have admittedly 2 much older brothers who have been father figures to them as dh often worked away when they were little.
I don't have any magic formula but we reinforce our belief system that they are strong girls, that their opinions and feelings matter and that boys are primarily mates and not to be pleased or slobbered over.

They both do martial arts and free fighting, both opinionated and high achieving.

I always worked and they see my dh treating me with equal respect.

Fingers crossed.

flippinada

When the reality is abusers are very skilled at spotting victims and isolating them.

^And that, is the biggest problem

X posts with Nemo and bus lady.

I too have a lovely friend who seems to be a sitting duck for horrible men. But I blame the men, not her.

I was not 'unlucky' to have been raped. These were not things that happened by chance.

They were things that happened by trusted men who felt entitled to have sex with me without my consent.

What can you do to safeguard yourself when the abuser is someone in a position of trust or authority though?

The reality is, you can't.

And since I haven't responded to the OP yet, yanbu.

whois i think this whole thing about 'victims' being a certain way and that why they get raped is complete rot

it holds some weight for women who bounce between abusive relationships.....

but on this thread, alot of people are talking of being assualted/raped as children...of course they are vulnerable, they are supposed to be vulnerable

"AllPastYears you were unlucky. I did say there was luck involved if you read my post.

Can I ask what you did after your crotch was grabbed? "

I punched him! Never punched anyone before or since, so I hurt my hand more than him. And I swore lots. Didn't report it though - I was abroad, which makes reporting more troublesome I guess. But also, you think "What's the point? They'll never find him." The others in the crowded carriage just stood and looked. Might have helped if I could have sworn in their language.

For a long time after I carried my keys in my hand on public transport, so if it happened again I could scratch his face and do the bastard some actual damage.