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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that I can't wait for DD (15) to leave home?

36 replies

TeenageTantrumsMakingMeCrazy · 04/10/2012 21:14

I know IABU and I desperately wish that I did not feel like this.

She is bloody horrible. She just told me that she would 'knock me out' because I insisted that she gave me back my phone immediately and did not wish to 'wait a minute'. This is the same phone that she has sneaked to school each day (actually my business phone!) as she broke her 'trendy' one (the 4th one) and did not want to take the bog standard replacement I got her. When I told her to go to her room and think about why that is not something she should say to her mother, she told me she would call Social Services, a common threat!

She has previously told me to 'go die', 'go get cancer' and other similar unpleasant commands. She whacks her brothers, does nothing to help out round the house (except for getting up at 6am and putting single items in the washing machine then going back to bed and later tumble drying them as she 'needs it'.) She steals money from my purse although she is given a reasonable amount if she wants to go out. She will not do chores though so does not get pocket money.

She has been like this for 3 years and I am sick of it. I am really starting to not like her. I talk to her all the time (when she is not shouting as us) and she is fine for a few hours until she is told to take her plate to the kitchen, get off the computer etc. Oh she broke her laptop within 3 months of having it and thinks she can just take mine and drop it 'accidentally'.

I actually grieve for the DD that I used to have, this one is like a stranger.

OP posts:
Rosa · 04/10/2012 21:20

No advice but your poor thing she sounds bloody horrible.....hooe somebody
Can come along with more advice.

Portofino · 04/10/2012 21:28

I would give her NO money and lock away your phone and the laptop. Tell her she can earn any priviledges.

Portofino · 04/10/2012 21:33

Personally I would not engage. I would call her bluff on SS. Tell her, I will treat her as an adult (I know she isn't yet) when she starts to behave like one.

Bobyan · 04/10/2012 21:37

If this has been going on for years, why are you then buying her replacements for things she loses / drops? She doesn't care as there aren't any consequences to her poor behaviour...

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2012 21:44

Mt ds3 is 15, and has been pretty awful over the last couple of years - he has stolen from my purse, from dh and from his brothers, had tantrums where he's said horrible things, door slamming, lying, carelessness with his stuff, and helping himself to the family laptop (and downloading a porn pic as the desktop), and I despaired - I felt like a failure as a parent.

But he is coming out the per side of it - is more loving, has his temper under better control and is lying much, much less. He says that going to the gym is what has helped him - he gets to work off his stress - but I think that is only part of it and that he is growing up, and out of that horrible phase. Fingers crossed it will happen for your dd too. Until then consistent discipline, and staying calm whatever the provocation will help.

margerykemp · 04/10/2012 21:55

There should be some kind of support service for teens/parents of teens funded by social work- try calling/googling.

NameChangeGalore · 04/10/2012 22:00

Sorry you are going through this, but how in the hell did you let it get this far? And what punishment does she get for bad behaviour?

BellaVita · 04/10/2012 22:01

Excellent post SDTG.

DS2 (13) is a bit like this. He has run up huge phone bills 3 months running on our house phone (it is in the kitchen and he was taking up to his room to call the mobiles of all his mates), he is now paying the money back out of his allowance.

He is downright cheeky sometimes. Has gone through I don't know how many mobile phone because he cannot look after them. School uniform - he has lost his sweaters - which were named (I refuse to replace them), lost his pe kit (I made him scrabble around for unnamed kit in lost property).

He says we are tight be because we said he could not have a party for his birthday. Well actually I blame myself and DH for that one for usually providing him with everything he needs. Although DS1 (15) is the complete opposite it is untrue. DS2 needed some new clothes, we went shopping, he got everything on his list. We came home and DS1 said he was saving up for a hoodie (with postage it came to about £50). I said we would go halves with him - he was thrilled. DS2 had a tantrum because he thought DS1 was getting something he wasn't despite us just spending £100 on him. He takes things without asking too.

I am sure it will come good in the end. Just remember to keep breathing Grin

squeakytoy · 04/10/2012 22:02

Let her call SS.

She wont though..

Mayisout · 04/10/2012 22:05

I would not give her my phone. I think I would leave it at work or something so the arguments don't arise. She really shouldn't be hitting her brothers, perhaps you can speak to GP for advice. Call her bluff on her threats to call social services, tell her you would love to have the peace and quiet after them taking her into care.

I would not let her use my laptop, likewise maybe you can leave it at work. Ok you can't use it either but I'm sure you can live without it easier than she can.

I would be tougher and more stubborn than my DD (because I was so angry) so could put penalties in place that hurt her more than me.

mrsminerva · 04/10/2012 22:12

That's horrible TTMMC, and too extreme to be normal. Did something happen around 3 years ago before this started? Is there any other adult who she will talk to? Are you spoken to dismissively by any one else in your life she may be copying?

I think most Mums if they are honest have had times when although they love their kids they don't necessarily like them very much. Like all things this will pass but it's pretty unpleasant for you, so hugs to you.

maddening · 04/10/2012 22:17

Family counseling so you have a forum to discuss her behaviour?

monkeysbignuts · 04/10/2012 22:30

hugs and I understand where you are coming from. its hard to like someone when they are going against you so much. I am sure you love your daughter but you don't have to like her.
I don't have any advice sorry just wanted to say that your not a bad person.

Original poster
TeenageTantrumsMakingMeCrazy · 04/10/2012 22:48

She has just been crying in her bedroom about wanting to be a celebrity and making music and us not helping her Hmm. While she has dreaming about this her GCSE's are forecast to be well below her ability because she doesn't need them apparently [hmm, hmm]. I despair Shock.

Nothing happened to start all this (family dynamic the same, no trauma), just starting secondary school, getting access to facebook and watching the Kardashians Xfactor and the like now I look back. She also says she has 'body issues' as she is the ONLY one to have never had a boyfriend or been asked out (no word of a lie but my DD is absolutely beautiful). I have told her that it is probably because the boys are afraid she would deck them for looking at her.

I have told her numerous times to call SS. Told her I would help her pack her bag! This has come about because one of her friends has been taken into foster care after her mother kicked her out for spitting in her face among other stuff. She gets a good allowance, holidays and loads of clothes from the foster carers so is happy as larry (for now).

Nice to know others are in the same boat. It is relentless, gives me palpitations and is not nice for the other DCs.

OP posts:
nannyof3 · 04/10/2012 22:54

What a awful child !

Let her call social services, i would actually offer to call them for her in the hope they would take her away....

Original poster
TeenageTantrumsMakingMeCrazy · 04/10/2012 22:55

She is also having counselling at school as she accepts she has 'anger issues' not because she is violent at school but I requested it for her and she wants to go but it doesn't seem to be helping much.

MrsMinerva I do suffer from low self esteem due to an abusive childhood and have had counselling for that. I know I have overcompensated for this in the way I have brought my DCs up as I have never wanted them to feel even a tiny bit like I did.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 04/10/2012 23:13

send her on a long one there are lots of organisations doing similar, it will do her a world of good, and she will learn to work in a team, there are no passengers.very good for getting teens to refocus

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/10/2012 23:17

Maybe you should go on to the teenager thread.
You'll get loads of good advice there.
I don't think AIBU is the place.

ChillyButterNut · 05/10/2012 02:01

Op you are not being unreasonable for feeling the way you do. Its an awful time all round - your daughter will not be having a fab time herself.

It may not seem like it now but she will eventually grow up.

From the age of 13 - 18 I was a horrible horrible teenager, stealing, skiving, fighting, lying taking drugs you name it I did it. My mum and dad tried to help and just got it in the neck. Eventually my mum kicked me out at 15 and even though i understand why i still resent her for it. A hormonal teenager needs their family & support, not left to their own devices.

I promise that your daughter will eventually grow up and turn into a lovely woman who will look back to her teenage years and will most likly be ashamed of her behaviour. By no means do not walk on egg shells, if she needs punishing then stick to your guns. She will thank you for it ehen she is older.

Please do not give up on her, she will grow up!!!

On another note all the people

ChillyButterNut · 05/10/2012 02:03

Oops sorry ignore last sentance

TanteRose · 05/10/2012 02:16

She is not an awful child Sad

She is a young person who needs clear boundaries to help her navigate a path to adulthood.

OP, do have a look at the Teenage boards - there are a lot of very wise mothers of teens there

I have two teens and it is bloody hard work sometimes - hang in there, apparantly they come out at the other end as quite nice human beings...Smile

MammaTJisWearingGold · 05/10/2012 05:46

I have doen the teenage girl thing twice now, once with my step daughter who lived with me and her dad and once with my own DD. By that time my ExH had left me.

I think that as the teens creep in, you get more and more bad days, until all you get is the bad days. That is what you are going through now. Then.................. the good days start creeping in. Really they do, just the odd one to begin with, then more and more, until you have your lovely DD back.

My DD moved in with her Dad at 14, a total strop, so the good days crept in sooner with her. I did not have to deal with the day to day crap. So, it took less time for her to return to normal, but even my StD was a human being again by 18 1/2.

Hang in there, stand you ground and look forward to that light at the end of the tunnel.

Leena49 · 05/10/2012 06:06

I don't think anyone should make a judgement on here unless they have had to parent a teenager. The behaviour will seem extreme to those with 5,6,7 year olds.
Just keep up the communication. Stay firm they need boundaries. I bet she's bloody lovely to other people's parents. They always are.

gettingeasier · 05/10/2012 06:19

I quite agree Leena

I am in a slightly less rocky boat with my teen DD OP , I examined by own behaviour towards her early this summer and made some changes to how I do things and it has a made a difference.

I also read a book "Get Out of My Life - But Can You Give Alex and I A Lift Into Town First ?" recommended on the Teen forum which wasnt super amazing but worth a read.

Lots of people have said she will grow out of it etc and I imagine thats true but its hard to keep that in the forefront of your mind when you are in the thick of it

impty · 05/10/2012 09:04

There used to be a column in a Sunday Paper on people with long marriages, how they coped etc. every single couple with children said the teenage years are the hardest to get through. This gives me some comfort.

Otherwise I'm sure you are doing a great job, just keep going and don't let her grind you down. dd1 is 15 too, and wearing me dwn is a favourite tactic!

I allow myself to fantasise about life after they leave in my darkest hours... Then get upset when I realise its not that far away...