To feel that I can't wait for DD (15) to leave home?

[TeenageTantrumsMakingMeCrazy]

I know IABU and I desperately wish that I did not feel like this.

She is bloody horrible. She just told me that she would 'knock me out' because I insisted that she gave me back my phone immediately and did not wish to 'wait a minute'. This is the same phone that she has sneaked to school each day (actually my business phone!) as she broke her 'trendy' one (the 4th one) and did not want to take the bog standard replacement I got her. When I told her to go to her room and think about why that is not something she should say to her mother, she told me she would call Social Services, a common threat!

She has previously told me to 'go die', 'go get cancer' and other similar unpleasant commands. She whacks her brothers, does nothing to help out round the house (except for getting up at 6am and putting single items in the washing machine then going back to bed and later tumble drying them as she 'needs it'.) She steals money from my purse although she is given a reasonable amount if she wants to go out. She will not do chores though so does not get pocket money.

She has been like this for 3 years and I am sick of it. I am really starting to not like her. I talk to her all the time (when she is not shouting as us) and she is fine for a few hours until she is told to take her plate to the kitchen, get off the computer etc. Oh she broke her laptop within 3 months of having it and thinks she can just take mine and drop it 'accidentally'.

I actually grieve for the DD that I used to have, this one is like a stranger.

impty - 'I allow myself to fantasise about life after they leave in my darkest hours... Then get upset when I realise its not that far away...'

THAT!

Thank you for your input. I know she's having a hard time coping with growing up. I just wish she would listen to us and realise that we are on her side. She's been a bit better this morning, she was overtired last night and reverted to toddler mode!

tell her you would love to have the peace and quiet after them taking her into care.

I am no expert in teenagers, but PLEASE don't do this. She may not be as vulnerable as some of the teens my Mum fostered, but kicking out or the threat of doing so never helps the situation. She needs to know, that while her behaviour is disgusting and unacceptable, you will always be there for her!

The best thing my Mum did was stay intensely calm. She made me and all my many siblings feel like we were acting very stupidly, by how she responded to our -overdramatic- behaviour

That said, inviting the SS over to let them do an 'assessment' which finally reflects on how cruel she is being to you, and how lucky she is to have such a lovely Mum wouldn't do any harm ;)

I read back over my teenage diaries the other day, and it seems like my teens at home were hell on earth! I console myself with the fact that my parents and I came out the other side, and started enjoying each other's company as adults. We use to have monumental rows, and I know I was a moody cow (in later years I have had to seek treatment for depression), and happiest when I was out of the house, with friends or friends' parents.

It is happening all over again with DD1 (including the depression, but she won't seek help, because apparently we're the problem). I love her, obviously, but I just don't like her very much (if we were classmates, I don't think we'd be friends), and I am looking forward to the day she moves out because it's so difficult with her here. In fact, things got so bad last year that I even rang an estate agent to see if we could find a one-bedroom flat near her school for her to move into, because I was at breaking point. Somehow, we got through it and she stayed, but god it was hard.

I think all any of us can do in this situation is carry on loving them even when they're being foul, but it's hard when they shut you out, saying things like "you don't care about me" and "this doesn't feel like home, I hate being here" (or words to that effect). I keep doing things to show I DO care (actions rather than words) but then I'll go and say something that sticks my foot in it, and the cycle starts all over again.

So, I would say YANBU to feel like you can't wait for your DD to leave, and I feel your pain.

I am going through the teenage girl stage at the moment.My daughter is almost 14. I have been through this twice before. My youngest daughter is at the horrible stage. Sometimes I could just give her away to the first passing stranger.:o

My other two girls are 23 and almost 21.They were horrible too, but have turned out quite nice girls. Oldest is married with a baby of her own. They think their youngest sister is a brat, but they forget how cheeky and awful they were (selective memories)

My advice is keep talking to your daughter. Keep the lines of communication open. No matter how monosyllabic she is,eventually she will cave in.
Talk about everyday stuff-how was school, chat to her, tell her about your day,show an interest in her. Suggest you watch a TV programme together, whatever. No matter how horrible she is,she actually wants you to DO that.Hug her tell her to have a nice day.Tell her how YOU feel eg feeling tired today or whatever.Make her a coffee/tea-she might actually make you one back. Ask her to help you with stuff.

All this takes time, but you WILL eventually get a positive response back. Hard I know, but try not to shout and scream back when she has a tantrum. I ignore bad behaviour, and tell her I am not listening to her when she is speaking to me in that way. When she has calmed down, I tell her that I am disappointed in her behaviour and if she continues to act lke a child, I will treat her as one.Privileges will be removed. Oh and a good dose of healthy ignoring works.:o I ignore her if I am displeased. I know that sounds childish, but teens hate to be ignored,they want an audience, so if they don't get one, they end to try and get in your good books.

I don't have all the answers, but some of above might do.Does in my house,but then you have to find out what makes them tick.I know its manupulative, but hell, teens are masters at manupulation. :o

Goodness me BellaVita, you have described my DS1 and DS2! DS1 is 14, very loving, asks for nothing, is bright and studious etc but DS2 is demanding, bullies his older brother, can't be trusted, has a MASSIVE attitude, wants the latest 'stuff' (Hollister clothing, snap back caps, Hugo Boss stuff ) and won't be told no. I do get him to do chores for pocket money but what he gets doesn't cover what he wants. I got home from work yesterday to find he'd shaved a line into his eyebrow and he just doesn't understand why it bothers me! He's 12 FFS!

I'm now starting to get calls from his school as he's more interested in being cool and answering back in class then actually getting on with work. Deep down, he's a lovely boy but it's bloody hard at the moment. There a fewer and fewer moments when I can actually talk to him - I mean engage in a real conversation. The thought that I have many more years of this is a little depressing...

It depends what behaviour you want to accept and sometimes its a case of picking your battles.

I have agreed to give my 14 year old her pocket money (for chores) and a small clothing allowance of 30 quid a month, paid into her bank account. That way she has her own money to buy "stuff". I buy her toiletries,clothes for school and basic stuff like underwear,jackets etc.If she wants to buy Hollister,it comes out her pocket money/clothing allowance. This also has to do her for trips to cinema etc with friends.

I pick my battles-I will accept dying of hair (under certain conditions as she has psoriasis which has been explained), I will allow her to choose her own hair style no matter how stupid I think it looks. Unless it looks sluttish,I will allow her to pick her own clothes (luckily she hates tarty stuff). The stipulation is that when she goes to family events, she looks decent. You see I cant say owt, I was a punk :o, and had bloody spray painted green hair (had to be washed out for school).

I WONT accept, smoking,drinking and staying out after curfew, nor lying.She is allowed to taste alcohol at home,luckily she aint fussed.

I know the eyebrow thing annoys you, would me too, but hey, he will probably thing its stupid himself in a few weeks (my daughter got a slight undercut after begging me for it and now she thinks it looks stupid)

True Susanne about picking my battles. He's actually got a mohican haircut which I allowed hoping the school would tell him to get it cut but they're fine with it and I like the idea of a monthly clothing allowance - that in itself would remove a lot of the 'I want, I need' conversations!

I've told him I don't think the shaved bit of his eyebrow will ever grow back and he was a bit

Haha smoothiemoo :o.Good on you! I don't have all the answers,cos my 14 year old is a teenage brat and also has Aspergers in the mix.Saying that only (IMO),only 10% is related to ASD and the rest of it is teen brats.

I was an absolute cow as a teenager, and I try and remind myself that I am having it easy in comparison to what my poor mum did. I also try and remind myself that I turned out ok (sort of). I am still a mardy cow tho. :)

Biggest compliment I did get is that my daughter wants to bring up my grandson the way she was brought up-so I couldnt have done too bad a job.

Your son will turn out ok. He is just at that "difficult" grunty age. All teens think their parents are old and stupid.When they get to 19/20, they start asking for advice.

impty - "There used to be a column in a Sunday Paper on people with long marriages, how they coped etc. every single couple with children said the teenage years are the hardest to get through. This gives me some comfort."

God help me - with the age gaps between DSS1, DSS2 & DD, I've got almost a solid 20 years of teenage years ahead of me!!!

One of the technics that is terribly good, is not to challenge back when dealing with challenging behaviour, used a lot in restorative justice programs in secondary schools,

If you are lucky enough to have more than one adult,make sure you are operating as a tag team, if you feel yourself reacting to the provocative behaviour, swap, and keep swapping, do not be drawn into slanging matches,

locking horns with a rutting teen is always counterproductive,

part of what pushes a teen towards independence is dissatisfaction with their situation, their frustration at not being able to identify a way forward nor their ability to self analyse and articulate their issues causes them to lash out with frustration, ask any teen "what is wrong?" they rarely can be analytical or envisage a way forward, all of which frightens and frustrates them.

Asking a teen to empathise about their impact on others,is going to add to their inner turmoil, they may understand the concept, but they have yet to develop enough to implement it with sincerity,

If you can avoid being draw into their personal dramas, be matter fact about the impact of their words on you, practice responses,

"I found what you said hurtful, when you are calm I would appreciate a conversation"

If you find yourself becoming anything other than calm and neutral, explain you need to withdraw, and do so, before you explode.

I find gently when there is a lull, getting through the message that everything they do, they are doing for themselves, and to be proud of that, and to not feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the journey to where they want to be, if they just take the tiny little steps that are required each day, then one day they will look up and find themselves at their destination , teen are terrible overwhelmed about looming adulthood, part of their behaviour is panic.

When I pick up my car keys and go for a calming drive before I kill my daughter :o, she knows she has gone a step too far. I am usually only gone 5 mins before she is on the phone.