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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that this is an awfully long time for a son not to contact his mother?

76 replies

dopishe · 04/10/2012 09:36

A close friend of mine's son is having marital troubles; my friend gave her (adult) son advice on these troubles. Sixteen weeks later, she has not heard anything from him-they live 500 miles apart- I'm sure he is safe through friends of friends, but he has made no attempt to contact his mum for 16 weeks. AIBU to think there's something up, that he 'turned' against her or something?

OP posts:
diddl · 04/10/2012 13:27

Oh well if that was my mum, I wouldn´t be calling for the foreseeable future tbh.

I don´t get the comment about his wife-unless you think she´s encouraging her husband not to call.

And I have to say I wouldn´t blame her in these circs!

2rebecca · 04/10/2012 13:28

If she "told" her daughter to leave just so that she could visit then she is incredibly stupid if she thinks a light hearted phone call is what is needed and not a grovelling apology. If my MIL told me to leave my own home just so that she could come round because she couldn't stand to be in the same house as me she would have to be really apologetic to smooth things over.
Not really sure why you want to be friends with this woman. There is being blunt and there is being nasty and interfering.

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 13:29

And, OP, I really don't think a friendly phone call to DS would suffice. She has made hurtful comments which will have impacted on both DS and his wife. Why would it be ok for your friend to try to build bridges with her son by having friendly chats with him and expect nothing to be said by her son or his wife about her comments? If I was DIL and knew that MIL had made those comments I wouldn't be happy for DH to have cosy chats with his mother whilst being excluded from her attempts to rebuild a relationship. Is effort not required to resolve things with her son AND his wife? She will only alienate herself further by trying to alienate her DIL from all of this.

Original poster
dopishe · 04/10/2012 13:30

HotBrickOfJizz, sorry it seems that way. What I meant is that GIVEN my friend's behaviour I wouldn't blame her dil for relishing this 'break' away from my friend. Imagine if you had an overbearing person in your life (like my friend) who suddenly disappeared for a while, it would be a relief. I imagine it is a relief for my friend's dil.

I love my friend but she can be an idiot. But I know she misses her son and trying to think of how she-cos I think the onus is upon her for reasons already outlined here- can back in contact.

OP posts:
HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 13:33

Why are you friends with her? She sounds like a horrible person. And its not really her trying is it, you are the one on minute asking for advice, she just seems to be sulking and calling a stalemate. She is the one who would be relishing it if her son was to divorce his wife, how sick is that.

PuddingsAndPies · 04/10/2012 13:37

Are you sure it's your friend you're talking about? You seem very involved in all this.

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 13:37

Dopishe - I DO have a MIL who sounds very much like your friend and I am in much the same position as DIL. MIL would love everything to come crashing down around me and DH and attempts to encourage it. The reason for this? Simply because she is a toxic parent who doesn't like seeing her 'whipping boy' DS succeeding and making a good life for himself whilst his golden boy brother is not at this level. We have had no contact with MIL for four months and I do not relish it, I think it is shit because I would love DH to have a healthy relationship with a parent but he will never have that.

Original poster
dopishe · 04/10/2012 13:39

I've known her a long time. It is hard to explain: I don't actually think she would be pleased if they split up, she is just very forthright and insensitive. A blunderbus. Sadly for her, not everybody can tolerate this. If I hadn't known her since childhood, I'd probably avoid her, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
dopishe · 04/10/2012 13:41

HotBrickOfJizz, OK perhaps 'relish' is the wrong word. How about relieved instead. Relieved at not having her around?

OP posts:
HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 13:43

OP I am still interested to know what DIL's faults are? Have they been described by your friend or have you seen them first hand? Either way I would like it if you elaborated a bit.

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2012 13:46

there was a similar thread recently. Same scenario. I think most people thought about it from the Wife's point of view; a MIL putting her nose in kind of thing.

Maybe her son mentioned to his wife that he had saught advice from his mum, maybe his wife said 'shouldn't it be us two who talk about it?'. Maybe he decided she was right and decided he didn't much like his mother's advice.

Perhaps the mother should try calling him on the telephone.

Original poster
dopishe · 04/10/2012 13:48

Doesn't instigate visits to my friend, aloof towards my friend, not ambitious enough, not ambitious for her husband, a bit of a drifter. These are MY friend's opinions. I don't necessarily think these are faults. But my friend does, I don't claim to know what goes on intimately between them.

That's the point: my friend thinks her dil has faults but then she realises her son does, too. She should have just shut the expletive up and said, 'I'm sad to know that, son, but don't think it's right that I get involved'.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 04/10/2012 13:50

OP are you actually the mother here? You seem to have an unusual level of interest in your 'friend's' relationship with her son/DIL Confused

justmyview · 04/10/2012 14:07

The more I hear about your friend, the less sympathetic I feel towards her. I don't agree that a "light - hearted" call is the answer. If she knows she was in the wrong, she should apologise, instead of pretending that nothing has happened

piprabbit · 04/10/2012 14:10

She should call him.

piprabbit · 04/10/2012 14:10

She should call him.

piprabbit · 04/10/2012 14:10

She should call him.

LemonBreeland · 04/10/2012 14:20

Your friend is a complete idiot. Of course she should have said it was none of her business.

The DIL if on here would be told by everyone not to bother having anything to do with the evil witch again.

2rebecca · 04/10/2012 15:25

not ambitious for her husband"!
A very outdated view of a wife's "role". My husband's ambitions are his affair. I'll support him if the ambitions are sensible but have my own career to concentrate on and don't expect him to start involving himself in my career plan either unless it affects us negatively.
Why isn't she berating her son for not being ambitious enough? I don't see how his ambitions or lack of them affect her anyway.
I rarely instigate visits to my inlaws, in the same way my husband never suggests we should visit my relatives.
She sounds like an MIL from hell, blaming everything on her DIL.

diddl · 04/10/2012 15:31

She expects her DIL to instigate visits??

Why-I thought that she had a good relationship with her son?

Can´t she ask to visit herself-oh no, hang on, because DIL needs to move out first!

Her son is an adult & can surely arrange visits/phone as he sees fit-as can your friend.

flyoverthegoldenhill · 04/10/2012 15:44

oh dear I achieved my ambtion and that was to be happy, guess the old hag wouldn't like that either ?

CaliforniaLeaving · 04/10/2012 15:54

I wouldn't be surprised if the son doesn't bother with your friend for a very long time if ever.
My Dh cut off his mother when she pulled something similar. Of course there was a life of things like this first. She told him to send me away divorce me and giver he our only child to raise, he could come visit on weekends. Hmm Dh took Ds from her after an afternoon visit and never spoke to her again (it's now 20 years later)
So tell your friend to call and apologize profusely and learn to keep her trap shut if she wants extended family.
My crime? to want to move house nearer to my mother who was 5000 miles away and had seem our son 3 times, where MIL saw him many times each week.

Original poster
dopishe · 04/10/2012 15:59

It's been about 6 months since she last saw him let alone talked to him. I know she sounds horrible; in truth, she can be a bit of an arse, but she is still my oldest and dearest friend, but if she were my mil, I'd be glad to be shot of her.

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 04/10/2012 16:30

OP your friend is the one who brought up her DS, presumably along with her husband. The fact her DS hasn't contacted her says more about her than it does about her DIL.

If she wants to improve relations then she needs to pick up the phone and apologise, she also needs to stop blaming her DIL for what her DS does or doesn't do.

Original poster
dopishe · 06/10/2012 08:24

She is a widow and, yes, it says more about her than her dil. I think after 6 months not seeing him (that's quite a long time ; they both live in the UK it is not as if he lives that far away) and 4 months not talking to him, she is missing him. But it is her fault. You'd miss a son if it was this long as it is a long time (?)

OP posts: