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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this is an awfully long time for a son not to contact his mother?

76 replies

dopishe · 04/10/2012 09:36

A close friend of mine's son is having marital troubles; my friend gave her (adult) son advice on these troubles. Sixteen weeks later, she has not heard anything from him-they live 500 miles apart- I'm sure he is safe through friends of friends, but he has made no attempt to contact his mum for 16 weeks. AIBU to think there's something up, that he 'turned' against her or something?

OP posts:

HeadfirstForHalos · 04/10/2012 10:26

Maybe her son feels she overstepped the mark by saying they should split? He may well be working hard to sort out his marriage and doesn't really want to talk to her knowing she thinks this. She should ring him, tell him she hopes everything is okay, and kindly ask after her dil too.

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 10:29

So your friend's level of support to her son has extended as far as telling him to leave his wife then failing to contact him for months. And you're concerned about how she is feeling? Nice. Does DS have children?

ChaoticismyLife · 04/10/2012 10:34

So your friend told her son to leave his wife and now wonders why he hasn't contacted her?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/10/2012 10:48

If she is advising him to leave his wife, and he loves his wife and rightly wants to make his marriage work, then she shouldn't be surprised that he hasn't contacted her.

If I was having trouble in my marriage but trying to make it work, I don't think I'd want to speak to someone so unsupportive either. I'd also prefer my husband not to talk to people that weren't supportive of our marriage too.

If my Mum told me to leave my husband, I wouldn't speak to her until she apologised.

Original poster

dopishe · 04/10/2012 10:55

I know she was a bit of an idiot (!) to say what she did, it's no surprise that she is on the brink of estrangement-because after nearly 4 months it is on the brink, isn't it?

OP posts:

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 10:57

OP, does her DS have children?

Original poster

dopishe · 04/10/2012 10:58

Not yet.

OP posts:

FredFredGeorge · 04/10/2012 11:19

Please don't suggest a letter! A truly terrible idea if letters are not a normal part of the relationship as it crystalises the idea that there is an estrangement.

I get on pretty well with my mother, despite the fact she didn't raise me for all my childhood, but 16 weeks is a perfectly reasonable time for me not to be in contact when there's no reason to be in contact. We know how to get in touch with each other and when one of us wants to - we do.

I suspect her DS is happy with the current timings of contact particularly if he's currently doing something she doesn't approve of (staying with DP) if she's not, she just pick up the phone - "how's it going?", not "Why haven't you called?" If people have different ideas on how often appropriate contact for a friendship is (and adult child to parent is a friendship) then I'm afraid it is the responsibility of the person who needs more frequent contact to make the effort to initiate it.

diddl · 04/10/2012 11:25

Did her son ask for advice?

I assume he was the one telling her about his "marital problems"?

Real problems or a bit of a moan?

He´s possibly pissed off with her, though.

Strawhatpirate · 04/10/2012 11:34

It does put the ds and dil in a rather awkward position because even if they all reconcile they'll always feel like mil wanted them to split up. Please no letters! Its so easy to misunderstand or find subtext that isn't there.

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 11:38

OP why does your friend think that her son should leave his partner?

2rebecca · 04/10/2012 11:45

If she wants to speak to him she should phone him. I don't understand how you can be "too proud" to phone your child. If I want to phone one of my relatives I'll phone them, it doesn't matter who phoned who last, it's not a game it's communication.
Giving unsolicited advice on someone else's relationship is usually a bad idea.

Ephiny · 04/10/2012 11:51

Depends entirely on what's normal for them. I often go for months without contact with my parents, it just means we are not especially close, have separate lives, and don't have a lot to say to each other.

Why doesn't she phone him if she wants to talk? (and she should probably keep the advice to herself in future, unless it's asked for).

TigerFeet · 04/10/2012 11:52

Oh god why can't she just call him? This sort of thing really pisses me off, we had similar once with my mum & brother, she rang me in floods once because she hadn't heard from him in 6 weeks or so, she managed to convince me he was in dire straits so I took an emergency day off work and drove bloody miles to his house to find him in bed completely unaware of any drama. Mum hadn't called, written, or anything she was just sitting at home fretting because he hadn't rung her. I was livid.

Original poster

dopishe · 04/10/2012 12:19

I think because his wife has faults but then so does he. Anyway, regardless of who is right or wrong in the relationship, it's clear she should have just held her tongue. What's to be gained? They're split up or stay together regardless of her advice. I think she has alienated herself for nothing (yes, I realise that 16 weeks of no contact is normal for some people but not my friend and her son).

OP posts:

titchy · 04/10/2012 12:33

well why doesn't she just phone him then? 'Hi son. How are you? Look I know I probably shoudln't ahve been so blunt with you when you were asking for marital advice, I'm just your mum and I can't bear to think of anyone making you unhappy. All relationshps need both people to work at them, you and ddil need to work at yuors, and perhaps I need towork at ours. Don't lets leave it so long before we contact eacg other again.'

Simple enough? No?

Original poster

dopishe · 04/10/2012 12:43

Yes, simple if you're a normal reasonable human being-which I am afraid that my friend, though I love her dearly- is not. Perhaps I am exaggerating and 16 weeks isn't that long?

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 04/10/2012 12:47

I also don't understand why she doesn't just phone him.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2012 12:51

I really do suggest this 'friend' of yours phones him.

Life is too short and you're right, it is heading into estrangement territory.

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 13:01

What are DIL's faults then OP? Or is it that your friend chooses to actively dislike her?

charlottehere · 04/10/2012 13:05

Well I wouldn't be too happy if MIL told DH to split up with me.

Original poster

dopishe · 04/10/2012 13:13

Well the faults are faults; she is not a criminal or abusive nor is he. Point is this: both are probably imperfect human beings. I really think my friend has dug herself into a hole here: let's face it; people do what they want regarding their own relationships, don't they? Also, her son is going to be either embarrassed or pissed off with her. As for her dil, well given the already existing tension between them, if she is still with her dh, she's probably not going into be in a hurry to say, 'call your mum', is she? Worse, she may be relishing it all. Without wishing to sound sexist, sometimes it is us women who prompt our dh's to call their mums-even when nothing is wrong, they forget.

OP posts:

diddl · 04/10/2012 13:19

Did he ask her what her opinion was/what he should do with regards to his marriage?

Original poster

dopishe · 04/10/2012 13:22

I don't think so; but she wouldn't have held back giving her opinion all the same. I believe she talked to her dil telling her to leave asap so that she could visit.

She's **ed up big time, hasn't she?

The only way back seems a 'light-hearted' phone call from her, I think. He loves his mother but doesn't seem bothered by not having her as a regular presence and his wife? Well she is either indifferent to her dh calling his mother or relishes it-can't see her developing a sudden love for her mil.

OP posts:

HotBrickOfJizz · 04/10/2012 13:23

'Relishing it', wow. OP you seem to be attributing rather a lot of blame onto your friend's DIL. I would be interested to know, given that DIL lives miles away from you and so assuming that you have had quite limited contact with her at least recently, how you have come to all of these conclusions about her behaviour. She must be a really horrible person who has done some terrible things for your friend to feel that it would be preferable for her son to go through the anguish of a divorce rather than work at his relationship. Perhaps consider that DIL can do no right in your friend's eyes and may not in fact be 'relishing' all the tension but instead may be upset that her MIL is clearly out to break up her relationship. Even your OP alluded to friend's DS having been 'turned against' his mother and that he is at fault for not contacting her. If, as you said yourself, your friend is not a 'normal, reasonable' person can you not understand that she is being unreasonable towards both her son and DIL? Or will you continue to make assumptions that DIL is engineering all of this? Being in a similar position (as DIL) I know how shitty it is and your attitude is not helpful to your friend or her family.

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