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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepover with new friend...

34 replies

impty · 02/10/2012 09:46

My dd started secondary school a month ago. She has made new friends which is probably great. One of her new friends has a sleepover on Saturday. But I've never meet her or her parents. I have no idea where they live. I don't know what they propose to do etc etc.

Now they are probably a nice family etc etc I am probably being over protective. In a years time when I've got to know this girl and her family I may happily let her go...

But now I'm saying no she can't go. AIBU?

OP posts:
titchy · 02/10/2012 09:56

Probably!

Secondary school is where you hope that your child has taken on board all the decent values you tried to instill in them at primary school and they pick new friends with similar values.

You know your dd - is she likely to have made friends with kids you wouldn't really want her to hang around with? If you're confident in her ability to choose 'suitable' friends then lether go! They probably won't propose to do anything except eat pizza, watch a dvd and chat about crap till 4 in the morning!

I assume she has a mobile? Get her to text you during the evening maybe? And give her a get-out clause if she's not enjoying herself (splitting headache for example).

Inneedofbrandy · 02/10/2012 09:58

Why don't you drop her off and go in for a coffee? You would be able to talk face to face with the friends dps.

Paiviaso · 02/10/2012 10:10

You can telephone the parents, to ask their address and make sure they'll be home. This way you can get answers to your questions but also get a feel of what the parents are like.

Or, you could drop your dd off, and meet them in person.

titchy · 02/10/2012 10:14

Oh yeah agree re getting a phone number for them and address - kind of assumed you'd have these in order to drop-off/pick-up!

squeakytoy · 02/10/2012 10:15

I would want to at least meet the friend and also know where she lives too.

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2012 10:19

Ask her to bring the friend back after school, or round at the weekend.

That way you can meet her and also have some contact with her parents.

Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 10:23

I hate sleepovers with a vengence and won't allow my kids to have them here or to go to them unless I know the parents and it's the school holidays (and even then it's rare), I can't see any point in them tbh. I'd far rather allow the kids to stay out late and pick them up at 11 or even later, than have them up all night (half the time running round the streets etc at all hours - yes it happens!) I could relate lots of horror stories if you want them.

Original poster
impty · 02/10/2012 10:29

Mmm party is this Saturday so no time to meet her or her parents really. I need to know where she lives partly because school is 20 minute drive away.... So she could live 30 minutes plus from me.

Im sure I am probably being unreasonable...and I'm sure in a years time once I know her and her parents it will be fine. But probably isn't really good enough is it?

I am shocked that some feel by the age of 11 children are good judges of character, many adults are not!

Gut feeling is keep her at home rather than put her in a situation she may need to be 'rescued' from.

OP posts:
Original poster
impty · 02/10/2012 10:31

Ithinkitsjustme...... No I agree with you entirely...it's me too!

OP posts:
EdMcDunnough · 02/10/2012 10:31

Too soon I think. She might hate it, you don't know...start with days out, meeting up together sort of things and then it can progress naturally.

I remember going to a school friend's house for a night once, it was freezing cold, there was hardly anything to eat and I didn't sleep very well...her family were really odd as well.

I couldn't wait to go home but felt too rude saying anything so I just put up with it.

booomy · 02/10/2012 10:32

I wouldn't let her sleep over unless I knew the parents. I work at a youth group in the evenings and one parent was telling me her 14year old dd stayed over at a friends. The parents went out for the night and her dd and girl whos house it was were left to cook for themselves etc. It all seemed a bit weird!

I think unless she's been over for tea etc it's a bit risky. in the sense will your dd be comfortable there, what are the parents like!

Inneedofbrandy · 02/10/2012 10:33

Just because you don't like sleepovers doesn't mean your dd will. Why don't you just ring the other parent and let your dd see her friends.

booomy · 02/10/2012 10:35

So if she drops her DD off then goes in for a coffee to meet them... what happens if they are planning on going out for a drink, house is filthy and tell her DD will have to cook or something? You can hardly say, on reflection, I don['t think i'll leave DD!
Let her go and pick her up at 10?

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2012 10:36

Wait, it's a party?

You didn't mention that.

Can she go to the party and you pick her up about 11pm or something?

Inneedofbrandy · 02/10/2012 10:39

I really think parents who would leave a bunch of 11 yr old girls to honour drinking are the minority. If that was the case you could either be blunt and say no dd can't stay now will pick her up at x time or make an emergency up. It would be more likely the parents are nice in a nice normal family house. How can you even begin to judge someone without meeting them let alone speaking to them. Dd is 11 not 8!

EdMcDunnough · 02/10/2012 10:39

Yes maybe pick her up at 10 or 11 - make an excuse, like you've an early start the next day or something.

Inneedofbrandy · 02/10/2012 10:40

Go out* auto fail!

seeker · 02/10/2012 10:46

What's the issue with going out leaving two 14 year olds to get their own dinner?

OP- have you got the girl's name and address? I would ring the mum, and say that your dd has to be up early on Sunday, and would it be all right to collect her at 11.00. Then if you like the sound of them, and your dd wants to, you can have a change of plans during the week so she can stay over after all.

Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 10:47

Innnedofbrandy nice thought - but not as uncommon as you might think!

Sparklingbrook · 02/10/2012 10:47

I would phone the parents and give them all our contact details and ask if they want DS to bring anything.

Inneedofbrandy · 02/10/2012 10:51

It might not be uncommon in your area and dcs circles of friends, but it's certainly not common where I live or when I grew up. I don't live in a particularly naice area either. Why would you assume other mothers apart from you are negligent!

squeakytoy · 02/10/2012 10:52

I would definately want to find out more about this before allowing it.

squeakytoy · 02/10/2012 10:54

And I dont think it is wise to assume anything. You have no idea if the parents are strict teetotallers, alcoholic junkies, or anything in between. You have no idea if the child has teenage siblings (who are the worst for influencing younger impressionable pre-teens)..

The only way is to check up on it.

Going to the house for the evening is one thing, a sleepover is different.

Sparklingbrook · 02/10/2012 10:56

Ds1 would be phoning me for a lift home if there was anything he didn't like going on.

Bumblequeen · 02/10/2012 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

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