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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

rather a what would of you done than aibu

52 replies

alwaysGOLD · 02/10/2012 08:51

Dp went to pub last night, i went to bed woken up by his work alarm at 4.15am, he wasnt in bed so went downstairs found him asleep on sofa. Clearly to much to drink.
I woke him up, the bastard had thrown up all over the sofa and slept in it. Apparently i was a "right moody bitch" to make him clean it all up before work. I have three children to sort in the morning i was not leaving mess on the sofa for them and leaving it there is just gross!. Also he has stuffed THREE loo rolls done the toilet - the idiot!

Now hes telling me i was wrong to of "forced" him to clean it up.

So what would all of you done?
I look forward to showing him the responses later im off out for a bit so may not reply for a while.

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 02/10/2012 10:18

That is disgusting. Who drinks so much that they puke all over the couch and then sleep in it? Even as a silly teen I could make it to the toilet.

And he did all this when he had work the next morning? To be honest, I would be having a serious discussion about his drinking.

I can't believe he had the audacity to think he could leave the vomit on the couch. Or call you a right moody bitch. What a disrespectful irresponsible man.

HiHowAreYou · 02/10/2012 10:22

Of course he should clean up after himself.
It is awful for your children to potentially have to see him in that state in the morning anyway. Does he have no shame?

ChaoticismyLife · 02/10/2012 10:25

You are not his mother or his skivvy.

He needs to grow up and show you some respect.

Aspiemum2 · 02/10/2012 10:28

Is he a bit confused?. Because I am, what's a grown man with children doing behaving like a university student??
Sorry but his behaviour is ridiculous, he knows it so he's being defensive. If my dh got that drunk and behaved like that in my dc's home then cleaning up his mess would be the least of his worries

Numberlock · 02/10/2012 10:28

Of course I agree that it wasn't your responsibility to clear up after him and he was out of order with his behaviour and response to you.

But I would like to know more about the problem before slating him. As has been pointed out, this hints at a serious drinking problem - heavy drinking on a Monday night, up at 4.15am, so shit-faced he pukes in his sleep, in denial about what he's done...

Could you give us some more information OP?

dysfunctionalme · 02/10/2012 10:29

What would I have done?

Probably kicked him out. It's beyond disgusting, it's revolting and not behaviour of someone I want my children to know.

maddening · 02/10/2012 13:11

He should be apologizing to you! Yanbu and he is a nob!

Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 13:11

Am I the only one thinking that I would have used it as an excuse to buy a new sofa on his credit card . YANBU to make him clean it up - but I have to admit that I hate vomit, and won't EVER clean things up after they have been "sicked" on, I have to replace them.

Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 13:11

Should also say that I'm not rich - but just can't stand vomit!

Original poster

alwaysGOLD · 02/10/2012 19:21

Hi all sorry took so long to get back on here!

Thanks for your replies real eye opener for me.

For the others who asked, hes 29, is a postman i actually called his office this morning so he couldnt drive his van.
That didnt go down well when he got home had a right moan at me. Since we moved house near a pub hes suddenly decided he likes a "pint" now whereas before he didnt bother to go out, i dont allow drink in house either.

Anyway after a frank exchange of words he packed up his stuff and went back to his parents for now. I think he wants me to be like his mum and look after him/let him do what he wants (NO CHANCE) rather than girlfriend Everyones comments made me see this is not acceptable thank you.

OP posts:

ChaoticismyLife · 02/10/2012 19:30

Gold I know it can't be easy for you but I think you've done the right thing. It sounds like he wants the advantages of being in a relationship and to be a single man when it suits him.

You and your DC deserve better.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2012 19:40

I was with you until the 'i dont allow drink in house either.'

Really? Isn't it his home too?

Numberlock · 02/10/2012 22:27

Why don't you allow drink in the house?

dysfunctionalme · 02/10/2012 22:36

alwaysGold - wow, that's a big result/change for you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but I'm also really glad you have made it clear you won't put up with such vile behaviour. All the best to you and do check in, let us know how you're doing.

Smeghead · 03/10/2012 00:01

Okaaaay, but "I dont allow drink in the house" followed by, "he wants me to be like his mum.......NO CHANCE" is contradictory.

You are acting like his mum by laying down rules like that to a 29 year old man, but then getting pissed off when he flouts those rules as a child would.

I am wondering if the reason he did this was because of your rules.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/10/2012 00:07

Why dont you allow drink in the house?

Smeghead · 03/10/2012 00:07

Agree with PP that it is his house too, and he has a much right to a pack of beers in the fridge as you do to a bar of chocolate. Obviously if this was a regular thing then I would be more concerned but it seems to me that he has taken the opportunity since your move, to kick back and be his own man. Sadly, as often happens when someone gets a bit of freedom, he went OTT.

Your control is showing through in the way you rang his work, I can sort of see why in that he was a danger, but I am sure that his superiors will have spotted he was too pissed to drive, did you really need to tell tale on him? I can see it in hindsight in your threat to show him this thread too, another type of manipulation. Infact, as much as I hate to say this, abusers use the "SEE?! Everyone agrees with me, you are wrong/stupid/disgusting (delete as appropriate)" to put down their victims and destroy their self confidence.

I think you both have alot of work to do.

dysfunctionalme · 03/10/2012 00:26

Seriously?

You do realise it is your moral if not legal obligation to stop others driving drunk, do you not?

Smeghead · 03/10/2012 00:52

I do yes, I suppose I put it badly. I just meant that as a one off it would have been fine, but in conjunction with everything else it shouts "control freak".

But yes, it was the right thing to do, I was wrong in saying that she shouldnt have done it.

does that make sense?

dysfunctionalme · 03/10/2012 01:54

Yes it does and nice of you to come back and say so.

Though I disagree on the control freak label. I think he has behaved horribly and don't think she is in any way to blame.

Smeghead · 03/10/2012 02:00

Oh dont get me wrong, I dont think that the OP is to blame, but I was saying that maybe he has reacted to her actions.

Thats why I said that i think that they both have alot of work to do, with her "allowing" and his getting so pissed he cant work properly the next day.

Stonefield · 03/10/2012 02:05

I still don't understand 'I don't allow drink in the house'.
Nothing wrong with an occasional pint but drinking to oblivion isn't on. But then neither is running back home.
Surely he and you need to have a serious discussion and sort things out.
But you were right to make him clean it up of course.

HecateHarshPants · 03/10/2012 06:45

You don't allow drink in the house?

In every other way, I support you, I agree that he's in the wrong for getting so pissed he throws up, for getting arsy about cleaning it up, I agree you did the right thing in telling work he was about to go in there still pissed from a bender! If he was going to try to drive, he was going to put other people at risk and that's unacceptable.

But - you don't 'allow' booze in the house?

In an equal relationship, one partner does not infantalise the other, does not dictate what may or may not be in the house. If this is happening, it may actually explain the resulting behaviour. If you create an atmosphere of parent and child, what you will get back at you is rebellious teenage behaviour.

HecateHarshPants · 03/10/2012 06:47

damn thing. Rest of post. of course, the dictating what may and may not be in the house/happen/whatever, may itself evolve over time as a response to immature/unacceptable behaviour, but however it came to be - it's not a good way to live.

What do you want to happen now?

Numberlock · 03/10/2012 14:20

OP - we need some information on reasons for the alcohol ban in the house. (There may be valid reasons for this, eg someone in the household is a recovering alcoholic.)

To all those slating the husband as disgusting, revolting, vile, nob etc etc, what if the husband is the one with the alcohol problem. Would you use the same descriptions if someone puked on the sofa due to a different type of illness?

We don't have enough information at the point about what exactly is going on here.

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