To have ‘hugged’ this 11 year old?

[meMillyme]

I?m a TA at a secondary school and also teach a few lessons of Art a week (I?m a qualified Art teacher too) today I was coming to the end of a year 7 lesson when another teacher came in and said a boy who should have been in my class went into hers accidently. He was very upset and thought he?d be in trouble.

I went outside and he was sobbing his little heart out :( I put my arm around him briefly to comfort him. The other teacher was present at the time.

I?m now worried I shouldn?t have done. Can anyone reassure me?

I have 2 new Yr7's and one of th TA's gave mine a quick hug and hair ruffle the other day when he got upset over something very simular- he was sent to his guitar lesson, and couldnt find the class, and though his teacher would be upset as he was late- he told me after school, because he was so grateful the TA was kind to him-I am sending you on his Mum's behalf!
On the serious side though- there was another adult present who saw what you did, and why, so you shouldnt have a problem.

It's sad that you should be so worried about putting your arm around the shoulder of a very upset young boy

My kids school (primary) isn't strict on touching children, in the younger years crying children are cuddled and picked up by teachers/dinner ladies if that's what they need.

With the fostering comments (DH & I are foster carers), it's not that you're not allowed to cuddle a cared for child, you are expected to respect their boundaries. A child might have been sexually abused, and for example, this abuse may have taken place in the bath so leaving the door open, having another adult in earshot may provide them with reassurance that nothing bad will happen. Some children might not like being touched as they've been inappropriately touched by another adult, and throwing your arms around them isn't idea either. They may have an attachment problems, all sorts of reasons. But on the whole, if a FC wants a hug, give them a hug.

I think you did the right thing

Those fostering rules are mental and totally pointless because sure as eggs the good kind parents will follow them while the nasty parents will continue to be abusive.It just prevents the good parents from being "normal" with their foster child, turning all foster homes into cold unloving places.

My 5yo was such a state starting year 1 he spent most mornings face buried in his teachers shoulder sat on her lap. I find it so sad now offering basic reassurance with a hug or pat is something teachers have to be worried about.

Unfortunately, state it's a tricky line to balance.

You only have to read the threads on here to realise that the general opinion of teachers is that they are either something akin to either a selfless Mary Poppins or lazy, uneducated, ignorant child haters and pretty much anything in between. It isn't a profession that people respect on the whole. And given that the government don't seem to trust us either...

Schools put guidelines in place to protect children and staff.

its so sad to worry about this.
when i collect my dd from pre school, sometimes her teacher will say "is it ok that i cuddled your dd when she fell over? we are not supposed to but its really hard to see her crying..."
???????????????
its just really sad

As a parent I would be horrified if anyone left my child sobbing in a corridor without offering him a hug or comfort.

As a childminder of children from the age of 2-15 I wouldn't hesitate to hug any of the children if they were upset. I might ask the over 10's if they want a hug (and they always say yes!) but I would never just leave them upset.

What a sad world we live in when we can't hug a crying child without fear of reprisal.

I remember a distinct difference between the 2 types of hug / touch from adults as a child age 7 & upwards; you just knew who was behaving inappropriately; even if it was just a touch on the arm; i can't describe it, but you knew.

It's sad that the teachers & other adults who behave in a totally appropriate & non-creepy manner towards children feel that they are unable to act normally in comforting a child / teenager; but i think the rules are there to protect the adults from accusations of inappropriate behaviour.

I think that adults who are abusive ignore any rules; they just get better at hiding their disgusting behaviour.

Re: OP - Your response to a crying child was natural & caring. But it obviously worries you that your actions may be misconstrued; in future have a 'no contact' policy with children then you won't spend hours worrying! & clarify the 'contact' rules with a class teacher.

Re: Foster Parents - i agree with freddiefrog - it's difficult for people who were never abused to understand how a vulnerable a child feels when they have been abused. I think that's why those rules for foster parents are so important. If a Foster Parent gets annoyed over those rules then maybe fostering is not for them.

Totally understand folk I worked in a preschool and it drove me near insane at the rules that particular establishment enforced, essentially made me feel I wasn't allowed to care.

Fwiw all the teachers my ds has had I have great respect for and think are bloody excellent, anyone who will deal with his snotty nose on there neck before 9am is a star in my eyes! And again 2wks in we have a calm content child at drop off and his teacher has regained snot free clothes, those few days of cuddles reassured him and made a huge difference. I'm aghast anyone could be so judgey about what I deem a very difficult job.

YADNBU

I think its awful that teachers and TAs now have to question every move they make. Despite all this hands off teaching you have now, you still get situations where teachers go too far (as we've seen in the news with Megan Stammers).

I'm only 30 but remember that teachers often used to give you a hug or a hand hold if you were upset, as did the Dinner ladies (the non-dragon ones!), and no one said a word!

Its ridiculous.

The poor boy is brand new if he's year 7, that was a really scary time if memory serves, so hugs should be perfectly acceptable.

latara yes fostering is not for me becuase i want to include a foster child and give them the respect i give to my own dd. I want to teach them that they have privacy and its not okay to keep the bathroom door open when they bathe.

So I'm big enought to say that fostering isnt for me becuase i dont want to reinforce feelings that they are somehow 'less' becuase of what happened to them at the hands of other adults.

getrealandgetalife the bathroom door is only an issue when they're little and need an adult to supervise bath time. Once they get to the age when they can shower/wash themselves, the door is closed.

Yes... and how are they supposed to learn that bathroom time is private if the door is open every time they bathe?

I would have sincerly loved to help children in a family setting, but it seems that isnt what is expected of a foster carer.

I would have given him a full-on hug to comfort him and damn the consequences. But thats just me. Definitely risk involved.

Interesting. I am also a Ta and had a little wobble last week. I was verbally comforting an injured child and then asked her if a hug would help. Gave her a little hug but afterwards thought perhaps I should not have done that. Was in view of another staff member, but maybe the child may have felt unable to refuse? I think Cailin make a good point. We must remember that what suits our child might not suit a child in our care.

Yanbu!!

of course its ok.
Please keep hugging. Children need to learn/see appropriate physical contact to know that its ok.
I think thevworld should hug more :)

Child minder for 4 years, hugged and cuddled all of them when needed and treated them as my own.

TA now in reception class, if I didn't sometimes cuddle the littlies of 4 and 5 then I would not be doing a good job.

Anyone who sees this as sinister is very very sick.

Aww, bless him.

You did absolutely the right thing.

A TA tried to comfort my DS when he was in Y6 and had a nose bleed (had been in a fight). He wasn't best pleased as he doesn't do hugs,and she ended up covered in blood. Probably not the best time to hug someone, but in your situation it sounds the right thing to do. Just remember not to ruffle hair. Boys don't like that.

I am a SW with young people in care. I have had (untrue) allegations made about me (resulting in suspension) ...but still see it as part of the job. Bottom line is that someone can make an allegation about you even if you hadn't even seen that person that day.

The general guidelines is no genital to genital hugging, try and have another member of staff with you, hug if the kid wants to be hugged first, if a kid wants to sit on your lap sit them on top of a thin pillow... I HATE the side hugs we are meant to do !

If that little upset boy was my son, I'd be ever so thankful you hugged him!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos ...I would expected to be investigated if an allegation had been made....and it wouldn't and shouldn't matter if all around believed me to be innocent.

BTW OP - what you did was kind and caring ...maybe a subject you should bring up in the next team meeting or speak to your schools Child Protection officer/designated teacher.

Depends on the school. We have a strict no contact policy for the secondary department, regardless of is there is another adult present. CP is constantly changing. Last academic year we could give a one arm hug to upset pupils, but no longer the case.

Absolutely fine. I always said that the day I couldn't hug an upset child would be the day I left teaching. It is a mad world when you have to ask (sadly I do understand you being worried).