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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have ‘hugged’ this 11 year old?

79 replies

meMillyme · 01/10/2012 21:42

I?m a TA at a secondary school and also teach a few lessons of Art a week (I?m a qualified Art teacher too) today I was coming to the end of a year 7 lesson when another teacher came in and said a boy who should have been in my class went into hers accidently. He was very upset and thought he?d be in trouble.

I went outside and he was sobbing his little heart out :( I put my arm around him briefly to comfort him. The other teacher was present at the time.

I?m now worried I shouldn?t have done. Can anyone reassure me?

OP posts:
Leena49 · 02/10/2012 04:10

It's sad isn't it that you cannot feel you can give this kid a hug without feeling like you are going to get sacked.
I learned this week that foster carers must make children keep their underpants on when they have a bath and cannot wrap a child in a towel and give them a hug after the bath. It's a sad world we live in.

TroublesomeEx · 02/10/2012 06:13

Oh OP that fear is crappy isn't it?

I'm in primary and I've worked at schools with a strict 'no contact' rule and other's where the Head's attitude was more along the lines of 'if they need a cuddle, give them a cuddle.'

The problem is, that whatever they cover during an induction session when you are trying to remember every single aspect of school life from whether you can touch the children, to what is in the maths cupboard to when your playground duty days are and who is responsible for ordering the art supplies and the million and one other things you are told about...

The reality is that when you are faced with an upset/distressed child it's a natural reaction to comfort them! Unfortunately, forgetting where the maths cupboard is isn't likely to get you sacked and plastered all over the newspapers. Forgetting that you're not supposed to comfort a child can.

Or at least, that is the fear.

And that is just one of the reasons why the actions of the few affect the many.

Goldenjubilee10 · 02/10/2012 06:39

Leena49 that's shocking. Surely if you are caring for children as a foster parent you should be able to treat them as if they are your own. That is unnatural and is bound to cause them even more problems.

OP, I'm sure what you did could not be mistaken as anything other than a gesture if comfort. Staff at ds's school would give him a cuddle if necessary and quite right too.

SamsGoldilocks · 02/10/2012 06:47

I think you were fine. If the teacher had thought it was inappropriate for your school they should have said at the time. (or when the pupil was out of earshot)

AllOverIt · 02/10/2012 06:54

I'm a secondary English teacher and I think that's fine. An arm round the shoulder in view of another member if staff is perfectly acceptable.

Older kids that are upset I might put a hand in their arm, or on their shoulder, but door open and only when I know the child in question.

Sadly I think this question is easier for female members of staff than male. Sad

WofflingOn · 02/10/2012 07:08

The key point is that you were visible by another member of staff, so you have a witness. A one arm hug is less or an issue than a full hug, because if the child is uncomfortable, then they don't feel trapped and can duck out easily.

FolkGirl, what you said is so right, and it is very easy for those not in the situation to be surprised that you forget. My own speciality is to forget that I should be looking for a first aid kit and glove myself before dealing with a nosebleed.
Because when a child is sobbing and scared, I just tend to get stuck in and send someone else for the kit.

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 07:47

The question is, would you hug an adult you don't know well in the same situation? I would be cagey about hugging a child, not because of potential accusations of abuse (in actual fact, allegations relating to a one-off incident like this are extremely rare, almost non-existent) but because you are not very familiar with that child and for all you know hugging them could be even more upsetting for any number of reasons. Hugging is quite a breach of personal space, and I do think sometimes adults forget that children value their personal space just as much as adults do. Being hugged like that when I was 11/12 would have made me feel queasy for the day, in fact, I was unexpectedly hugged by a lovely work colleague when I was an adult and the thought of it even now makes me queasy. For various reasons I don't like people suddenly coming close to me and I certainly don't like being hugged when I'm upset and not expecting it. Heck, the midwife was in danger of losing her hand when she put it on my back while I was in labour!

What you did was well intended and kind, but it's worth remembering that not every child will appreciate it. Far better to just talk to them and reassure them, then offer a hug if you feel it's appropriate.

PropositionJoe · 02/10/2012 07:50

I'm sure it was much appreciated and i think you did the right thing. (As an owner of a year seven boy)

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/10/2012 07:52

You did the right thing.

I'm a TA too, and I sometimes worry about this kind of thing. But I work with little ones and although I do worry that sometimes I shouldn't be too huggy if a child warrants it, I also think that I'm good at my job and if I had to behave in a way that was completely false to me I would hate what I do, as well as not be very good at it. I'm lucky to know many of the parents and I know that they value the fact that their dc would be properly comforted by someone who genuinely cares, as would I with my dc.

I read a quote somewhere that was something along the lines of 'Behave in a way that if ever anyone were to accuse you of wrong, no one would believe them'. I bear that in mind and I think it fits here.

BalloonSlayer · 02/10/2012 07:59

'Behave in a way that if ever anyone were to accuse you of wrong, no one would believe them'. Gosh is it only me that thinks that sounds sinister!

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 08:03

I have to agree Balloon - it seems to be implying that as long as you don't appear guilty to the people who know you, you can get away with anything!

musicalendorphins · 02/10/2012 08:05

It is a shame that adults have to not act normally because of the bad people who have harmed children before.

My ds's grade 2 (which is age 7) teacher stood at the door each day as the children left and gave them all hugs. Nobody ever complained. The kids and the parents all loved her. She was a really caring teacher.

pigletmania · 02/10/2012 08:08

Sad times these are now, you have done nothing wrong

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 08:11

It just annoys me that there seems to an assumption that all children like to or want to be hugged. Hugging is fine, and most teachers/TA would agree I think, but I have known overly touchy feely teachers who have embarrassed the life out of children by not having the right boundaries. It's not abusive, not at all, it's just inconsiderate to hug someone who doesn't want it.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 02/10/2012 08:18

leena where did you hear that? It was never an issue when I was fostering. I had to sign a declaration tat I would treat a FC the same way asd my birth children.

Has anyone got into troube for putting an arm round a chid? I don't mean the tabloid reports, I mean in reality?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/10/2012 08:20

It sounded much nicer than that when I read it! That was just me trying to remember it and put it into words. Hold on, I'll try and find it.

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 08:21

No MrsDevere, people don't get in trouble for putting an arm around a child. It's something people worry about, but when you see that teachers like that Jeremy Forrest dickhead can carry on an actual relationship with a child in full view of the school and not be called up on it, you realise there isn't much to worry about if your behaviour is genuinely innocent.

Feminine · 02/10/2012 08:22

I would be so grateful if someone showed compassion like that.

YR7 is still very young, some have only just turned 11.

Can't believe anyone could think differently!

so, YANBU at all Grin

Feminine · 02/10/2012 08:24

We have just returned from the states btw, its still common place to hug the children , nobody bats an eye!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/10/2012 08:24

Here it is!

Live in such a way that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe them

SoleSource · 02/10/2012 08:24

You are NBU. No matter the childs reaction, you were concerned and offered comfort. It is natural.

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 08:26

I'm still not keen on it, Outraged, sorry! It's a bit too focused on what other people think for my liking. Plenty of people are shocked when the truth about wrongdoing comes out - a lot of nasty people live in such a way that no one outside their victims would believe they could do anything wrong. It doesn't mean much in the end.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 02/10/2012 08:32

I think the sadness lies in the way the media has affectively created a myth that will be with us forever.
That people get in trouble for hugging children in their care.

I think we all have a responsibility not to perpetuate this myth by repeating rumours and misinformation.

getrealandgetalife · 02/10/2012 12:31

on the fostering side... the poster is right.
we did the fostering course in February and deciced not to pursue it further when we were told bathroom rules.

if i or my husband has a bath the door must be locked
if my 8 yr old dd has a bath the door must be closed and noone is to see her naked at any time
if i bathe the foster child, the door has to be open.

Now i couldnt deal with this for a number of reasons.

My dd is still at the stage where she thinks its funny to run round with the towel on cape style, and why shouldnt she, she's 8. but the foster child wouldnt be allowed to do this... so how is that fair.

my dd is entitled to privacy, but my foster child isnt.

I totally get the parents in locked bathrooms. ABOSULTE MUst.

But, when you are in the house on your own with a small child, have you not kept an ear on the child with the bathroom door open, while you have a quick dip?

It was other little things too... like my dds bedtime routine is bath and a story in bed. it helps her settle. i would be advised not to do this with a foster child. they have to have thier story in a place other than the bedroom. so how would they feel hearing me read to my dd?

Left out and different

manicinsomniac · 02/10/2012 12:38

technically htere's probably some advice to say you shouldn't out there but I think it's ridiculous.

I hug Y7s and 8s all the time, both when they're upset and when they're happy about something. You have to know the children as some don't really like hugs. But generally it's fine.

I work in a boarding school though and rules are so much more relaxed because we are kind of temporary extra parents I guess. I was listening to bedtime reading the other night in a dorm of four 12 year old boys with the door shut and no other adult present. I didn't think twice about it until one of them started getting undressed at which point I lightly said. 'woah, teacher in the room that doesn't need to see that', got up and left. No big deal at all.

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