To think that DH saying "because I say so" is a shit reason for not getting a pet

[upsylazy]

It's only just recently begun to dawn on me how controlling DH is and there's a whole pile of stuff that is probably better off in relationships but just wanted to post this in AIBU as an illustration to see if it's me or him.
We have 3 DCs aged 12, 10 and 4. They all love animals - DS1 has been a real worry to us recently as it's really hard to interest him in anything non gadget related and, if we gave him a free rein, he'd spend every waking minute on the Wii or computer. However, I took him to this amazing pet shop a few months back and he was completely entranced by the reptile room and took a real shine to these miniature tortoises. When the guy took one out of the tank and let him hold it, his face just lit up. To get 2 tortoises plus the tank and UV lights would cost around £250. They cost virtually nothing to feed so there's very little cost after the initial outlay. As soon as I even mentioned it to DH, I just got a NO an that was it - no discussion, no explanation.
DS2 desperately wants to get a rabbit or a guinea pig as a lot of his friends have them. As soon as I opened my mouth (this was about a month after the tortoise incident) I just got, "I've said no animals". When I tried to ask for a reason, he just said because he doesn't want them.
On Sat, I dropped DD back at a friend's house and her mum asked in passing if we'd be interested in having a kitten as her daughter's cat has had kittens.
We already have one cat who it was actually DH's idea to get. He's no bother and the kids all love him and I don't see how having 2 cats is harder than one. Me and DD asked him tonight (I was hoping that DD might win him over) and he said "I've told you, no more fucking animals".
DD is in tears. I'm just sitting here thinking that there are 4 of us and one of him and don't we get a say in the matter? I work full time so it's not like it's his money that I'm spending. If me and DCs do any petcare that's needed, what grounds has he got to say no?
Sorry, that was a lot longer than I'd intended.

I missed that he sworn at you both. That in itself is unreasonable. I stand by the rest.

BTW If this verbally abusive, 'only my opinion counts', contemptuous disregard for you or anyone else in the family is his normal approach to disgareements major or minor then I'm afraid all he is is a bully.

I dont think the issue is the pets really

Its him being controlling

I can actually see that animals need proper care, so in this is not bu

I think you need a chat, and it might uncover alot more issues xx

OP, I think this is a bit tricky because it sounds like it might not really be about the animals, but your husband's controlling behaviour.

"Because I said so" is a horrible explanation to give to children. My parents often said this to me and it was so frustrating, and to be honest I think it is a bit mean. "Because I said so" insinuates that your feelings don't matter, and you don't deserve a discussion or explanation.

If he actually sat down and explained we don't have the finances/I'm don't have the time to take care of them (and the parents will definitely need to take care of them on occasion, if not all the time)/I don't want the noise/smell then fair enough. But he doesn't do this, and so I think YANBU to feel he is being a dictator.

And 'no more fucking animals' said with the intention of making a little kid cry means that he is a big bully...

"I've told you, no more fucking animals".

He sounds like a shit.

Issues in the relationship aside [and there seems to me to be a few to be honest], I've waited my whole life to be able to say to my children the same bloody annoying things my parents said to me, "Because I said so" is definitely up there in my Top 5.

Along with " do as I say not as I do" and "it's for your own good", "you'll thank me when you're older", oh and in at number 1 "I'm not annoyed. I'm disappointed." See if any of those work back at him?

He said 'because I said so' to you, his wife. He sounds like he thinks he's the superior one in the relationship, grrr. That would really annoy me. Why don't you respond with, 'well I'm going go get one because 'i' say so. See what response you get.

I don't want to drip feed - like I said, I think I'm probably better off in relationships really. I take on board what people have said but I don't think having a guinea pig or a rabbit is a huge deal in terms of responsibility compared to having 3 DCs. I think it's just his attitude that his opinion trumps everyone elses.
I think this is just the icing on a very big cake really. OK, another example - my only real indulgences are nice food and books. I spend next to nothing on hair/clothes/make up etc. I probably spend about £50 a month on books at an absolute max and this quite often includes a couple of books for the DCs. He gives me a really hard time about this to the point that I've now started to smuggle them into the house without him seeing. I quite often buy stuff for dinner in my lunch break and will buy my lunch at the same time. A few times now, he has found the receipt in the bag and started lecturing me about wasting money. I'm not talking about major luxuries - just a ready meal type thing.
We're my no means rolling in money but we have enough for what we need plus a few days out each month, a holiday etc.
I suppose I've just recently begun to notice all this. The thing is that he smokes and probably spends about £200 a month on fags and about £80 a monthh on the lottery which I personally think is a total waste of time but I don't question it. I just really don't feel that i should have to justify what I spend on books when it's a quarter of what he spends on something that is going to kill him. I don't lecture him about smoking as I know from my own experience that it doesn't work - I gave up a 40 a day habit 8 years ago. He knows how I feel about it but I never nag him.

Hmm. Depends on what he's like the rest of the time really.

I'm animal mad and so is DS2. If it weren't for DH we'd have all sorts of pets but DH just doesn't like animals. It took me ten odd years to get him to agree to a dog (we ended up with two because we took the dam home with the pup) and he tolerates them inasmuch as he is nice to them and strokes them when he feels like it but ultimately if I rehomed them tomorrow he wouldn't be bothered.

As for anything else - well he's actively scared of spiders. Small scurrying things like rats or hamsters give him the willies. Frogs/snails/snakes etc freak him out. He's very allergic to cats.

I knew when I met him that he just wasn't an animal person and although it saddens me a bit, it doesn't make him a bad person. His right to live comfortably is every bit as important as our wish to live in a menagerie and I appreciate that he ok'd the dogs.

If however your DH is just being awkward, whether or not he usually is, is a different matter.

Well my answer to him would be he 'wastes' £280 a month on what he chooses, you can 'waste' whatever you choose out of your own salary. Play him at his own game and if he starts getting more aggressive about it then see what the advice in relationships would be. I suspect they would all wave red flags!

I don't think YABU to want a pet, and if he can't be adult enough to discuss it properly then his 'opinion' is non existent and wouldn't be valid in my book.
What would he do if you just went out and bought a pet? e.g a low maintenance tortoise (love the sound of those!)

OP, you should request that this is moved to relationships. The pet issue is the thin end of the wedge here. He sounds a bit scary and I wonder if this is why you don't nag him about his spending when he lectures you on yours.

Does he normally swear like that in front of your DCs? As a one off, ok it may be over looked, but it is not normal or healthy to do this.

I hope you are ok.

It depends what else he is controlling about.

I probably wouldn't have a pet because it's a big responsibility and it has bearing on my life - money, going away etc.

If however, he is controlling about smaller things, then maybe he is a controlling twunt. What you wear, who you speak to etc.

Either way, speaking to you/child like that is not on.

upsylazy have a look on the emotional abusive relationships thread and see if the links there read like a bingo card or not. There's loads of links.

Oh dear, he doesn't sound very nice. It's one thing not wanting a pet; it's totally another thing to say no without even giving a reason or being willing to enter into a discussion about it. The way he talks to you sounds horrible too.

Agree that the issue here is not the pet but the fact that he is controlling. Sorry. What are you doing to do about him?

The problem here isn't the animals but communication.

I do not do animals - of any sort, indoor or outdoor, trained or wild. We are not having pets.. end of discussion.

But I have communicated that to the rest of the family by saying that if they want animals then they have to care for them and I will never take any responsibility for them - not ever. Since DH has hobbies and the boys have clubs etc having pets is never going to happen because they will not be able to, nor do they want to, do everything they want to without my help.

Your DH is NBU for not wanting pets, but he is BU by not sitting down and telling you and the children why.

his attitude stinks. BUT, in a couple of months you have switched which type of animal that you want to get 3 times already. its a bit fickle. its not like you have spent time and energy researching animals and are desperate for one. you are seeing something you like and wanting that. id be miffed if my husband was getting the kids onside with wanting a different pet every month.

He sounds controlling. My DH is a bit like that too. He didn't want a dog. Told me not to get a dog so I got a dog. I look after it, take responsibility for it and will continue to do so. Sometimes people don't like losing control.

Your DH sounds like a charming man

Also tortoises don't cost "virtually nothing" to feed, they need lots of fresh salad , fruit and veg every day, plus you'll need to get a big tub of vitamin powder to sprinkle on their food.

Snakes on the other hand..

Not sure if this has been mentioned already, but OP please don't get just one guinea pig if you do end up with pets; they are social creatures and need company of other pigs. In other words do very thorough research before considering buying (or preferably adopting) any animal.

"He gives me a really hard time about this to the point that I've now started to smuggle them into the house without him seeing."

You're being bullied. When you're so scared of someone's reaction to a small, affordable purchase that you are creeping about guiltily in your own home then that's not an equal or loving relationship. It's one where he holds the power and you're supposed to do as you're told.

"I personally think is a total waste of time but I don't question it."

You don't question it because you know you'll get a mouthful. Again, that's not an equal, loving relationship, it's that of master and obedient servant

I think he should at least have the decency to dicuss this, even if the answer is still a no. He should at least give reasons.

I would love another pet, but I'm extremely allergic to our adopted cat (we will not get rid of her) even so, when some mongrel puppies appeared in an ad 'free to a good home' I wanted one. In this instance my DH's raised eyebrows and firm no were reasonable, but he STILL explained in very basic language that I'm suffering enough!

Just read your latest posts. Write a list of known expenses. His and yours. Show him in black and white that he gets far more and you don't bitch at him, so he has to stop bitching at you.

I think this is just about control. My father used to make proclamations like this but once I was old enough to save my pocket money (about 9) I would just buy or adopt pets without telling him. We had a large garden and outbuildings so I could hide stuff quite easily if I couldn't keep it in my bedroom. Then, he would go mental for a few days, tell me I was looking after them all wrong for a few days and then give in and make me a big cage or fetch me what I needed. Very upsetting for me and my Mum. In your shoes I would probably just get something/s and get on with it.

I have to say though, I am concerned you are a little uniformed about pets in general. Reptiles can be incredibly tricky and its positively cruel to buy only one of most mammals - especially Guinea Pigs. Incidentally, Guinea Pigs are tremendously sensitive and quite hard going at times! When I was a DC I would read every library book on or speak to a local fancier of whatever it was I was preoccupied with at the time.

Good luck - it must be galling to see him smoking 200 quid a month and not letting anyone else have an opinion.