to stop dh seeing the dcs

[catfourfeet]

quick back ground

Dh has had severe amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy for 2 years +

He is currently living with his sister ( my sil) since early aug.
3.5 hours away.

my only point of contact is voice mail on sil land line.

I had been ringing most nights to get him to talk to the dcs, they have called and also left messages, sent cards etc

initally he did occasionally ring but after the dcs had rung every day for a week without reply I stopped them calling. Its just to hurtfull for them.

I have offered to take the dcs to him , him come down, meet half way etc etc no response.

sooooo, kids are back at school early sep and I recieve a call from younger dcs primary school.

Head wants to know if DH and Granny want to see DC's at school, do I agree ???

SIl had emailed the school.

I refused , I didnt want their school day interupted. Also it would be a really "fake" meeting with dh. More for HIS benefit than theirs.

AIBU ???

you need a full list of dates and times of contact for first 6 months of contact

I wouldn't go this far ahead, three months is the norm, but 6 weeks is a reasonable time period for review, given that MH problems are present.

older DD will only see dh if he also agrees to make regular phone calls,

"SIL was quite happy to have all 4 of them left on her doorstep after a 3.5 hour journey to see DH,"

just to calirfy, I went with DCs and we had to knock 3 times and ring the house phone before we were "let" in to see dh.

That is why informal contact isn't now appropriate.

Are you explaining things to your children in an appropriate developmental way, given their age differences?

Birdsgottafly if he has a meltdown at school as contact can be hugely emotional

I dont think the school is the right time or place i sure the children dont want there frends knowing or all the teachers

There is NO way the school can stop a secnce from unfolding just as they cant stop parents fighting at the school or parents shouting at teachers which happens often its dirty laundry and the others will wonder why teh children are getting pulled out to see there dad every week and with children if they dont know the score they just make things up

The children will spend the day clock watching until he shows and not pay attention in class also if he fails to show then the likey hood is that the rest of the day might be spent by them being disruptive or or very emotional

Thats not fair on the class teacher
The children
Or the dad

older DD will only see dh if he also agrees to make regular phone calls,

Let her set that rule.

Each child's relationship with him should be dealt with seperately.

That is their right. Many parents make the mistake of grouping them together. Very rarely do they have the same needs and wants.

Birdsgottafly well then it should be in a contact centre not SCHOOL

Are you explaining things to your children in an appropriate developmental way, given their age differences?

yes , i tell the older two ( 12,14) everythign that is going on, just the facts and then they can make their own decisions.

the younger two I still say whats happening ( we dont have any secrets in our home) but at a diffent level.

I told then about the visit to school and explained why I had made my decision.

they are awar of my attempts to get contact with dh and the lack of response.

I do not apportion blame just state the facts, e.g. we rang, dh didnt ring back

birds I would say 6 months, simply to see how the contact in school can remain consistent...... Schools are busy, they have holidays/onset days/school trips...... Op needs to know it will happen regularly and that school can cope

What happens for 6 weeks in the summer for example?

I dont think the school is the right time or place i sure the children dont want there frends knowing or all the teachers

The teachers will know as a CAF is in place.

The school could only offer this if they could mange any consequence of the meetings.

The schools that i work in could, sothat is for the OP to decide.

It would be better to wait for the solicitors appointment, though.

This should not be discussed over the telephone, i would be having meetings with the school.

You should be doing that because of the CAF anyway.

birds : good point about the individual needs of the chidlren.

I have addressed this as best I can e.g. older two wont see sil at all, but younger two will travel in her car if they have to.none of dcs want to see / stay with sil.

youngest ds is ok just to see dh but woudl "like" phone calls etc etc

Ive talked through all the possible commbinations

This gives me more options if in the future the dcs go up to see him 3.5 hours away.

Normally during a CAF meeting the possibilty of school facilitating contact would be discussed, that is when the arrangements and conditions would be set.

Everyone usually has to sign a 'contract' outlining the conditions.

The meetings work the same way as in a contact centre.

If that isnt' the case then the school isn't following best practice.

thanks for all the advice ladies,

I have to shoot off now,

I've just chased up the CAFF and will wait for solicitor before agreeing to anything

Thanks again

Cat

Just to add don't plan for the future, just dealing with 'now' is enough.

You cannot make any longer term plans until you know for sure how your ex's condition will go.

Who supervises in the school environment then?

school is nto teh right palce for contct unless there is say a CP sW ther eor other professional and a suitable room for conact tot ake place.

but best use a contact centre.
that is what contact centres are for.

i think children will feel uncomforortable at school being venue for contact .
school is school.

had simialr issue with my ex - he wanted to visit son a school or respite centre and all sw etc agreed it wasnt the right thing to do.

best get i all formalised with residence oder in your favour adn ahve court decide where contact should be and when - court /cafcass can ask for all medical reports etc and suggest best place and when and where contact should happen.

unless school has suitable venue for after school hours conact ie can act like a contact centre then say no - but offer conact centre venue for set times of contact, based o chidlrens wishes as to how much as well as reocmendations from his medical profressionals.

you could ask SWs /cafcass to set up a family group conference to get this all discussed and agreed so you and SIL would bet here as well as him and other pfroessionals . and they wouldl facilitate you agreeing to what whn adn where plus kids could be there too.

otherwise it will have to be done by court/cafacass and in a way letting it be taken out of your control may be good. so SIL can then fight with court/cafcass not with you if she isnt happy....

www.norfolk-fjc.org.uk/publications/family_group_conference_service.pdf simialr servies nationwide

another link
www.cafcass.gov.uk/pdf/FGC%20FINAL.pdf

this would be best way forward.