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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop dh seeing the dcs

66 replies

catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 13:35

quick back ground

Dh has had severe amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy for 2 years +

He is currently living with his sister ( my sil) since early aug.
3.5 hours away.

my only point of contact is voice mail on sil land line.

I had been ringing most nights to get him to talk to the dcs, they have called and also left messages, sent cards etc

initally he did occasionally ring but after the dcs had rung every day for a week without reply I stopped them calling. Its just to hurtfull for them.

I have offered to take the dcs to him , him come down, meet half way etc etc no response.

sooooo, kids are back at school early sep and I recieve a call from younger dcs primary school.

Head wants to know if DH and Granny want to see DC's at school, do I agree ???

SIl had emailed the school.

I refused , I didnt want their school day interupted. Also it would be a really "fake" meeting with dh. More for HIS benefit than theirs.

AIBU ???

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:03

CAFF has been started, VERY slow though.

Head of primary is being very supportive.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/10/2012 14:04

How do you feel about contact in general?

Do you fully take on board that yor ex has medical issues beyond his control?

Does he now have a diagnosis?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:09

Birds

I really want him to have contact with the dcs, but it needs to be arranged, so I know about it and can tell the kids in advance.

due to his amnesia he is totally reliant on his sis to ensure that he keeps conatct

basically she has all the control

his daignosis is functional amnesia

Basically amnesia without a physciall cause, hopefully will iproveover gtime

Sil has also stopped not helped him to attend a VERY important medical appt in london that coudl have REALLY helped him. patients can imporve by 90% theoir memory.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:11

sil is VERY into alterenative medicine ( and I think there are many great therapies out there) but to the exclusion of traditional / tested medicine

OP posts:
LadySybildeChocolate · 01/10/2012 14:12

Are social services involved with your DH? It's neglect to deny a sick person of medical attention. He needs registering as a vulnerable adult.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:13

i have tried ss, the police, everyone I can think of, ass he is deemed to have mental capacity ( it is a grey area) there is nothingg I can do.

OP posts:
Whitecherry · 01/10/2012 14:14

What would I like to know??

Well, you can't help with that. Why has your own sister sided with your sil who you are painting as 'mad'? Why would your sister do that?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:14

he is registered as a vulnerable adult

OP posts:
Whitecherry · 01/10/2012 14:14

And is this proposed contact for ALL your dc? Do you have others at another school?

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:15

also his medication has been reduced since he has been with sil, this made him unable to take the tresses of family life and went against his dr's advice

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/10/2012 14:15

I read one previous thread and i know that you tried all of the adult SS services.

Your focus has to now be on your children.

It is either a contact centre or school. I think that for you to have contact with him and sis would add to your stress.

I have personally been in a similar postion to you.

The more formal the arrangements, the better in the long run.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:16

2 at primary, 2 at secondary,

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:18

i am seeing a solicitor in 10 days so I will get a residancy order in place then and just ensure that the chidlren are kept safe and see their dad in a "proper" way , not this adhock, "surprise" visits, it just not fair on them

OP posts:
Whitecherry · 01/10/2012 14:20

So the secondary children will miss out....

Birdsgottafly · 01/10/2012 14:22

I would discuss things with the solicitor and then decide.

He would be given the same chance at access in the school as he would a contact centre and after so many failed shows, it would be cancelled.

Fishwife1949 · 01/10/2012 14:22

Do not do it

If he dose not turn up or makes a secne the childrens school day will be runied and which lesson dose he thinks shiuld be dropped because now they have decied to grace everone with there presence

Also you dont want all the teachers and all the other children knowing yur diry laundry

He can see thenm you have told us you have tried to no avail to make contact so tell him he can see them at weekends like normal people or at a conatct centre and stop making a drama

WorraLiberty · 01/10/2012 14:36

OP why did your DH change his phone number? Were you pestering him perhaps and that's why he's gone down the route of contact with the kids but not you?

I have to admit I've read lots of your threads and I can never truly understand why all your DH's family seem to hate you and even your own sister has teamed up in thinking he's better off away from you.

Just WHY? You never even seem to hint at a possible reason Confused

Birdsgottafly · 01/10/2012 14:38

Weekends aren't really going to work and the children and OP will be on hold waiting to see if he turns up.

Somewhere formal is better as then a professional opinion can be given to how the children react to him being there or not.

He would not be allowed tomake a scene at the school and tgiswould go towards the OP's case.

If he does it without witness it is the OP's wordagainst his and the sis.

It is the children's benefit that contact is going ahead, that has to be the focus.

It is a shame that a parent having a MH issue is still seen by you as 'dirty laundry,' Fish.

Whitecherry · 01/10/2012 14:42

birds this is going to bring more trouble!! He will only be seeing 2 of the 4 dc!! It's not fair

aldiwhore · 01/10/2012 14:43

Could he not see all 4 at a contact centre after school hours? Why won't weekends work?

I can see that perhaps I need to read all the other threads.

Whitecherry · 01/10/2012 14:45

Op..... I would say to 'them' yes!!! But meet these conditions

A) you need a full list of dates and times of contact for first 6 months of contact

B) a acedule of equal contact for older 2 dc

2 other points. Does he pay any maintenance? They are usually deducted from any benefits. And how could school stop him ( legally) from walking out of school with the dc? Assuming he has full PR they can't prevent him

Whitecherry · 01/10/2012 14:45

*schedule

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:45

*"I have to admit I've read lots of your threads and I can never truly understand why all your DH's family seem to hate you and even your own sister has teamed up in thinking he's better off away from you.

Just WHY? You never even seem to hint at a possible reason "*

it started with my sis, she has form for this, the ex-p of a lady with MS that my sis "helped" allways felt that he wasnt sure who's opinion was being used e.g. my sis or his wife's I the one with MS)

She loves to be in control , espicially anythign medical, and is NEVER wrong.

Both my Sis and his SIS want Dh to get well, but neither care for HOW he gets better just that he does, and me and the dcs simply dont count.

SIL was quite happy to have all 4 of them left on her doorstep after a 3.5 hour journey to see DH,

my SIS left my two younger dcs (9 and 7) in a car / car park wheere they couldnt get back into the building for an hour and though that was ok.

I found looking after DH very stressful but I did the very best I could, my gp said I had done eveything that was needed and more and suggested that I look after myself more. I simlpy do not know what else I was meant to do, and friends IRL are just as baffled, and they have seen me and DH much more than sil and sis.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/10/2012 14:47

He will only be seeing 2 of the 4 dc

The children are at very different ages and stages in understanding their dads medical condition.

I took it for granted that the OP will be taking on the children's wishes and the conversation that he may have with the older two, will not be suitable for the younger two.

The OP will have to wait to see the solicitor fo rthe contact centre to be set up.

That is why i asked about a CAF and a pastoral key worker.

If this goes to court the elder two will get to put across what they want.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 01/10/2012 14:49

"SIL was quite happy to have all 4 of them left on her doorstep after a 3.5 hour journey to see DH,"

just to calirfy, I went with DCs and we had to knock 3 times and ring the house phone before we were "let" in to see dh.

OP posts: