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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am upset that DH did not get me anything for my Birthday - AIBU or AIB childish?

41 replies

CalmaLlamaDown · 01/10/2012 13:06

Birthday was last Monday, not a milestone birthday or anything, DH just got me a card and said sorry didn't have time to get anything else. I thought he might have got me a bottle of wine/takeaway or something after work but nothing. Anyway, I haven't made anything of it, but one week on and I STILL feel upset, also my 5 year old son was upset on the day because he didn't have a present or card for me, of course I reasurred him that he had nothing to worry about!

Part of me thinks just get over it and that I am being childish but I still feel inexplicalbly hurt and upset. Just for the record my DH works part-time (15 hrs a week) and so do I (26 hours a week) but I also so overtime at nights and weekends to make up the money which allows us both to stay part-time if you see what I mean. My life-savings depleted 10 years ago when (before we were married) DH gave up his full time job because of stress and anxiety. I supported him (in all ways) through this and am happy with our situation now as we can spend loads of time with our little boy, however I am starting to feel like a total MUG becuase I get so very little apprecitation.

I don't know how to tell DH that I am upset about this without sounding like a a shallow selfish bitch. Sorry I have rambled on but AIBU to still be upset about something as petty as no birthday present when I am well into my 40s!

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 01/10/2012 13:09

I'm afraid I would have a major tantrum. A proper hissy fit. You could have got you something. He certainly should have got you something from yoru DS.

YANBU. Maybe in the grand scheme of things its not THAT important, but I think its very off.

Don't worry how you sound, try telling him how YOU feel about it rather than wading in with 'you tightfisted bastard' - it will go down better. x

WorraLiberty · 01/10/2012 13:09

I suppose if it upsets you, you should probably mention it.

But don't be 'upset on behalf of your child' because that doesn't sound particularly honest (even if it is!)

5yrs is old enough to make Mum a card surely?

SusanneLinder · 01/10/2012 13:12

IMO, its not just the birthday present.This is preying on your mind because of all the other stuff, and he is showing himself to be selfish twat who takes no account of your feelings or appreciates you.

I would expect a fuss made of me on my birthday (I know a lot of people don't care), but in our house,its an excuse for a glass of wine/takeaway et etc.Not bothered about presents too much.

I would actually be bloody furious. So YADNBU.

NotWilliamBoyd · 01/10/2012 13:12

you might get some replies saying 'birthdays are only for children!' etc etc but I suspect that your current feelings of hurt etc are from the lack of a birthday gesture as a symbol of generally feeling down about other things in your relationshipl being taken for granted etc.

From your OP, I'm guessing that a special meal prepared for you all to share in the evening would have been ok? Plus I'm sad for your DS, my kids love making cards etc and trashing the kitchen making a birthday cake, all part of the fun of sharing a birthday with family - I'm sorry that this hasn't happened for you.

Time for a talk perchance?

Original poster
CalmaLlamaDown · 01/10/2012 13:13

Worra, I am not upset on behalf of my Child. He was upset in the morning of my birthday because my DH did not tell him beforehand, before they have gone shopping together for a present/card. I am not lying, he was upset that he didn't get the chance to make me a card, perhaps I didn't explain it very well in the OP but it is the truth.

OP posts:
OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 01/10/2012 13:13

I don't have a DH (and no, I'm not saying count your blessings!) - even without a DP the following happens -
: DD (15) makes sure I have a pressie, and hand makes a card with a lovely message each year.
: my parents get me a pressie, and if they don't see me on the day, they send a card in the post.
: my friends send texts, cards, and we exchange pressies for all our birthdays when we meet up (about 5 of us have birthdays in Oct).

It's not the presents that I appreciate (though I do like them!), it's the effort, and your DH appears to have made none. Even if money was the issue, he has the time to buy a few bars of chocolate, wrap each of them with a message, and make a treasure hunt around the house for you.
Do you make a big effort for him? If so definitely talk to him and tell him how such a tiny effort in comparison hurts your feelings.

NotWilliamBoyd · 01/10/2012 13:14

Worra - yes 5 years old is a lovely age to be making a card for a parent, but lots of DC might need help in finding the card/pencils/time with mum out of the way to facilitate them making the card iyswim?

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 01/10/2012 13:14

(re age - I'm only ever going to see 40 again on the back of a bus, so YANBU!)

Rosa · 01/10/2012 13:17

My dh is often crap about this ..however in the morning he does make the girls draw a picture for me especially when he remembers that he has forgotten!!!!
Why don't you make a cake with your ds and celebrate...you can invite your dh saying that seeing as last week it was a non event you are having a delayed celebration. Get ds to draw you a birthday pic... Will make you both feel better.
I diddn't get anything this year from him but I did get some valentine chocolates a few days before so I suppose that covered it!!!!

OhChristFENTON · 01/10/2012 13:17

YANBU, DH has 'run out of time' and 'not had a chance' before but always, always come up with something before the end of my Birthday, even if only a takeaway in the evening (and still he would get something come the weekend)

5 years old is old enough to make a card, but completely unprompted? highly unlikely.

I would be very upset about it, also on behalf of a child of mine being upset at not knowing or having anything to give.

I would be worried actually.

lovesmellingthecoffee · 01/10/2012 13:17

You have every right to be upset, I would be (and was). My dh did'nt have time to get me a present once, i was devastated and showed it. He has made sure he has had time since. It's more about the thought really is'nt it and I'm afraid no present = no thought.
Ffs its hardly a surprise that your birthday is on a certain day, he's had 364 days to sort it out since the last one.
I feel your pain and so should he.

Numberlock · 01/10/2012 13:18

sorry didn't have time to get anything else

And what kind of excuse is that? Like there's such a shortage of supermarkets and shops in this country isn't there, none of which are open 24 hours a day or 7 days a week.

Tell us what you do for your son and husband on their birthdays, OP.

Original poster
CalmaLlamaDown · 01/10/2012 13:18

Yes I always make an effort for him and he seems to appreciate it.

I would have been happy with a takeaway, honestly I am not at all high maintenance.

I should have seen this coming though because for Christmas last year I got 2 x cookery books which were ordered on my amazon account using my (our) debit card so I knew exactly what was under the tree for me....

I think it might be time for a chat but he gets so defensive and upset about everything I don't know where to start.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 01/10/2012 13:22

Let him get defensive. Let him get upset.

Tell him you were hurt.

No 'chatting' (and not gun's blazing put downs either) just say you felt really hurt on your birthday for the lack of anything. Statement of fact. He cannot argue against how you felt. He can say he is sorry and didn't mean to cause you any upset.

fuzzpig · 01/10/2012 13:23

Yes I'd be upset. I don't make a big deal of birthdays and we never spend much money but there is no way me or DH would ever fail to get something! Especially from the DCs as they aren't old enough to do it.

And as for the no time excuse, erm, presumably he has access to the Internet!

Numberlock · 01/10/2012 13:23

Yes I always make an effort for him and he seems to appreciate it

So you go out of your way to make your husband's and son's birthdays special (along with all the other stuff you no doubt do for them).

Yet he thinks it's OK that one person in the household gets little/nothing in return?

It depresses me how many times I've read about this problem on MN recently, Calma and I'm fuming on your behalf. Doubly so because of the message he's sending out to your son.

aldiwhore · 01/10/2012 13:24

By the way, MY DH once didn't get me anything for my birthday. He was laid up in bed after an accident and I was doing everything for him. I still told him I was upset. He managed to order flowers for his friend who was poorly, he managed to buy games to stop his boredom, he could have got me something.

When I 'chatted' to him he didn't have the option of running away Wink We're still married, he's lovely really and didn't mean to hurt me, but he's never 'forgotten' even a small gift since.

CanIOfferYouAPombear · 01/10/2012 13:25

Yanbu. There are loads of things he could have done to make it up to you!
He sounds like a massive child, what right has he got to be upset that he forgot your birthday?

CanIOfferYouAPombear · 01/10/2012 13:26

Oh and happy belated birthday Thanks Wine

Original poster
CalmaLlamaDown · 01/10/2012 13:27

Numberlock you have hit the nail on the head - now I realise why I am upset still about this, it is the message to my son that it's ok not to bother. This has made me think about a whole ton of stuff I appear to have bottled up over the years. Bloody hell!

OP posts:
Numberlock · 01/10/2012 13:39

This has made me think about a whole ton of stuff I appear to have bottled up over the years

Well that's no necessarily a bad think, Calma, although obviously painful for you to face up to. We will be here to support you if you want to talk about that other stuff.

Not wishing to make you feel worse but my ex-husband (divorced ten years) goes to more of an effort than your actual husband - I always get a card and present (eg book or DVD or bottle of wine). My 3 teenage sons are capable of organising their own presents now but when they were younger he helped them.

The reason being I am the mother of his kids and he is a decent person and wishes to teach his sons how to do things properly.

(I do the same for his birthday/Christmas for the same reason.)

fuzzpig · 01/10/2012 13:41

Indeed aldi, it is totally different now with the Internet and laptops/smart phones etc - DH is recovering from major surgery ATM but is whiling away the time ordering Xmas presents online.

digerd · 01/10/2012 13:46

Oh dear, good advice can sometimes open a can of worms. Bottling up unhappy events can be beneficial in certain cirmumstances, I have many, I can do nothing about, and it destroys me when I am reminded of them. But if remembering things gets things done that can be done, it can only be a good thing. Good Luck

MistressIggi · 01/10/2012 13:52

My DH gave me a spa-type afternoon for my last birthday. Only he has never actually given me the money for it Hmm
It's his birthday very soon and am not sure what to do. Yanbu to want a bit of attention on your birthday!

ClippedPhoenix · 01/10/2012 13:56

YANBU, I'd be upset too OP. How horribly thoughtless of him Sad