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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw estranged in-laws cards to the DCs straight in the bin?

94 replies

craprelatives · 28/09/2012 19:44

Name changed and posting in AIBU as I want you to be blunt with me!

DH & I have not seen his parents for many years now. We fell out when our eldest DC were small - without going into details, we found something out about them that meant it was impossible to continue a relationship with them - and we didn't want them around our DC anymore.

We are over it now and the whole period of arguing and bad feeling is in the past. The younger DC barely remembers them. The eldest is old enough to have been told why and understands.

But every time there is a DC birthday or Christmas comes around, we are reminded of them by the cards that they send, addressed to the DC, with very sloppy messages in them about how much they miss them and hope they'll see them soon - no attempt at contact with us directly.

So every time it happens, we feel a bit annoyed, then sling the cards in the bin. I mentioned this to a friend today and she said she thought it was wrong - that no matter what the circumstances, whatever they've done, they are the DCs GPs, and the DC will want to know that they haven't forgotten them - and so would want to see the cards themselves.

I was a bit taken aback and it's been on my mind since. So what do you all think? Please don't ask me what the fall out was about, I really cannot go into it .

OP posts:

onlyjoking9329 · 28/09/2012 22:12

You are not being unreasonable.
If they are never ever going to see them, because it would be unsafe in anyway, then I would bin the cards.
If you returned the cards then that would probably up the anti.
Least damage all round if the cards go in the bin.
I have an evil MIL, anything she sends goes straight in the bin.
Grandparents have no legal rights to contact.

cumfy · 29/09/2012 02:13

Does DH have siblings ?
What do they think ?

differentnameforthis · 29/09/2012 03:13

It sounds lie you don't see them in order to protect your dc from them. In which case, I think I would throw the cards too. Why encourage communication (albeit onesided) if you don't want to encourage a relationship.

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 03:43

I think YANBU.

A friend of mine didn't know her grandfather because of issues her mum had had with him - she pushed and pushed to know him in her teens so her mum reluctantly got back in touch with him - and within a pretty short space of time, my friend realised why her mum had cut contact and was very sorry that she'd bothered to get back in touch (nothing really bad, but he wasn't a nice man).

Given that your oldest DS understands and accepts your decision, and they're his grandparents, I think you're doing the right thing - and since I assume your friend has fuck-all inside knowledge then she should keep her big beak out.

AdoraBell · 29/09/2012 03:45

I don't think you're BU as the DCs would have been at risk, regardless of the type of risk. I know lot's of people will say GPs are important etc etc. in most cases yes, the GPs should be a part of the DC's lives, but I would continue to shield the DCs by disposing of the cards. I may well get flamed for writing that, but I'll survive

PorridgeBrain · 29/09/2012 07:19

YANBU for withholding the cards ATM as they are children and you are acting in their best interests.

However rather than throwing them away,can you not keep them and store them somewhere safe (e.g in a loft). Presumably when they are adults it's up to them to make an informed decision about whether to see them and if it was me who had grown up not knowing my grandparents, I think I would like to know they cared and would want to read those cards as part of that informed decision.

Nonky · 29/09/2012 07:36

many people have said to keep the cards to show the gp 'cared'. is it really caring to send toxic messages in cards designed for the parent rather than the child? I am in a similar position in terms of no contact or interest from my inlaws. THey're not dangerous but couldn't be bothered when there grandson had a serious ongoing illness. They still dont ask how he is getting on with treatment but send these gushy ott cards on birthdays saying how much they miss him (hes two)?!?!? so op i think yanbu but i do have the same worries as you

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2012 08:00

YANBU. Whatever they did, it was serious enough for you to cut contact, so pretty damned serious. I really think that should be all contact. You are not doing that to hurt the PIL but to protect your DC. And given the sort of messages they are writing in the cards - and you're right, those messages are meant for you and your DH, not your children - you need to protect your DC from those cards too. Your PIL are trying to drive a wedge in. Absolutely do not let them.

You could have put them aside for the DC to see when they are much older, but I don't think it's a problem to bin them.

If someone is so bad that you don't want to have anything to do with them, I really don't see why you'd ever be comfortable inflicting them on your children. That they are relatives makes no difference. Every nasty person has relatives.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2012 08:42

Not sure really if it is unreasonable or not, obviously we dont know the reasons why the OP feels they wouldnt be safe. They could be valid reasons, they might not be. I cant see how the children wouldnt be safe if they saw the grandparents under supervision though.

I would probably keep the cards to show the children when they are old enough to make their own minds up though.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 29/09/2012 08:56

I don't feel it's about keeping the cards to show the GPs cared.
The ones I keep for my ds show just how selfish hs birth mum is.
They are to help me explain and him understand why he doesn't have contact with her.

G1nger · 29/09/2012 09:46

Good for you, Orangeandgold.

Can I just ask - is it common for adopted children to have contact with their birth parents? I always thought contact was cut off as part of adoption.

Riddo · 29/09/2012 09:54

Your DC's, your decision. In your position I would do exactly the same, you are protecting your DC's.

YAdefinatelyNBU

TakingTheStairs · 29/09/2012 10:10

YANBU

You don't have contact to protect your children from what must be a horrible situation. Your DH doesn't even want any contact with his parents

For those saying that the OP should keep them and let the DC decide when they're older .. That IMO is nuts. The OP has mentioned earlier that contact was cut because of risk of abuse (not sexual) so why on earth would she and her DH allow the clearly manipulative cards to be given to her DC. Her eldest DC knows the situation, and still bins his cards

The OP is clearly protecting her DC, not holding out some grudge for the sake of it.

OP. I think you're doing the right thing.

Kennyp · 29/09/2012 10:15

I threw stuff away that my ex parent sent my children. I am putting my childrens best interests at heart. Obviously your kids come first and you know how best to look after them :)

Doingakatereddy · 29/09/2012 10:19

I have same situation with my parents. We keep the cards but don't show DS, so that when he is older we can explain that yes his did miss out on having GP, but it was to protect him - but show that GP never forgot him.

Haven't read all of thread - but good luck, it's shitt I know

biff23 · 29/09/2012 10:23

I had this with a relative and I returned to them with a note that unless things were resolved between us then they were not to contact my children. We didn't resolve anything (and it never will be) therefore no contact. In your position I would put straight in bin without showing kids. They don't need anything from them.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 29/09/2012 12:08

ginger the default position is that adopted children should have some sort of contact with birth family.

This can range from regular face to face contact to yearly 'letterbox' contact.

Some adoptive families with several children dedicate a lot of their time to facilitating sibling, parent and extended family contact all over the place.

In our case contact was supposed to be often and casual. Birth mum is a relative. Unfortunately this became impossible and she has no contact at all now.

It happens.

Molehillmountain · 29/09/2012 12:37

Every time my mother sends a card to the children I want to bin it. It stirs up everything that's wrong about our relationship and it makes me mad that she thinks that it can all be okay with the dc. Sometimes the grown up in me wins and the dc get them, sometimes the child wins and they don't. I dont beat myself up over it- and others who say yabu have not experienced how it feels when an adult you don't trust or respect attempts to build a relationship with a young, trusting and innocent child. Most especially when that child is yours. You have my support-whatever you choose to do.

LunaticFringe · 29/09/2012 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

craprelatives · 29/09/2012 13:38

Thanks again for replies .

In answer to more q's - it was a serious thing which meant we weren't happy for the DC to go to their house any more, with or without us. Initially we felt torn and slightly guilty (although in retrospect we shouldn't have wasted our energy) so said they were welcome to come to ours to see the DC - with us there too obviously. They said if we were too good for them now we could F* off....

Months of nasty abusive phone calls and messages stuck through the door followed. It made us both completely stressed out and ill; was a horrible time. Finally DH snapped, went to their house and a screaming row ensued, during which he told them if they came near us again we would take legal action against them. Nothing any more for years apart from the cards...

DH does have siblings. One of them is on their side & got right in there when the abusive messages & calls were happening. Another one lives abroad and has almost nothing to do with them - we are on good terms with that sibling. Actually we get on fine with all his family (aunts, uncles, etc) apart from his parents & that one sibling.

Oh and the other thing, I don't usually keep birthday/Christmas cards from anyone after the event. Other than the cards the DC were sent when they were born and our wedding cards, I think . Didn't realise people did keep them all tbh!

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 13:46

craprelatives - you don't need to justify your decision to cut your ILs' contact with your DC. You and your DH took the decision for good reasons - that's fine. Sorry you had such a rough time of it with them though.

airforceone · 29/09/2012 14:40

I think it would be unfair to your DC to give the cards now. Being loved by someone you don't know is a strange and exhausting thing to get your head around. I don't think it will help your DC to be on the receiving end of their GPs hopes and sadness about the estrangement. However, I would keep the cards so that in the future, when the DC are curious and can handle it, they can know that their GPs were capable of loving them, whatever they've done. And that you've been trustworthy and careful with their gifts intended for them.

In the meantime, I would have little conversations from time to time about the fact that their GPs do exist, that they cannot come for tea or give hugs the way others GPs do, that it's alright to be sad about that, and really it's lucky for them that a lot of other people are around to give hugs and have fun with. My DD cannot see her paternal GPs, so we're in the same boat. It's an awful situation - everyone's a loser.

Birdsgottafly · 29/09/2012 15:09

As a CP SW i work with families and children who are estranged from relatives, because of 'risk'.

The children, when they are adults prefer straight answers and the majority would want the cards put away for them to see and make decisions over, once that risk isn't going to be there.

They then decide on whether it is worth persueing a relationship based on the circumstances at that time.

Speaking as someone who grew up not knowing their family, i would have liked that to look back on, rather than know that my mother didn't think that it was important to keep any links to my genetic heritance, whatsoever (which she did).

Up until you bin the cards, you can honestly say that you have acted in your children's best interests, now and in the future.

Birdsgottafly · 29/09/2012 15:10

I should have made it clearer that they don't 'need' to see the cards yet.

The cards should just be put away.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/09/2012 15:19

I wouldn't even open the card, they would be straight in the bin.

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