To throw estranged in-laws cards to the DCs straight in the bin?

[craprelatives]

Name changed and posting in AIBU as I want you to be blunt with me!

DH & I have not seen his parents for many years now. We fell out when our eldest DC were small - without going into details, we found something out about them that meant it was impossible to continue a relationship with them - and we didn't want them around our DC anymore.

We are over it now and the whole period of arguing and bad feeling is in the past. The younger DC barely remembers them. The eldest is old enough to have been told why and understands.

But every time there is a DC birthday or Christmas comes around, we are reminded of them by the cards that they send, addressed to the DC, with very sloppy messages in them about how much they miss them and hope they'll see them soon - no attempt at contact with us directly.

So every time it happens, we feel a bit annoyed, then sling the cards in the bin. I mentioned this to a friend today and she said she thought it was wrong - that no matter what the circumstances, whatever they've done, they are the DCs GPs, and the DC will want to know that they haven't forgotten them - and so would want to see the cards themselves.

I was a bit taken aback and it's been on my mind since. So what do you all think? Please don't ask me what the fall out was about, I really cannot go into it .

You seem to have strong and valid reasons for keeping away from the GPs.
I can see no benefit in fostering an insincere and false relationship with them.
YANBU.

I am not in your situation but I have an adopted child.
The things his birth mother sent him (she no longer does) are not appropriate.
I cannot give them to him.
But I keep them. They are his not mine.
They are there for when he is an adult along with every bit of paper, report, scribbled note, weird present from his grandmother and even the two milk tokens his birth mother deigned to give me.

Keep them safe. If you do not feel it is appropriate to pass them to the DCs that is your decision to make as a parent. I do not think you should bin them though.

I'd give them the card, when they are older the grandparents will be able to contact them without going through you and your kids may think you are in the wrong if they say they sent cards every year and they never received them. If they are old enough to understand you don't want them seeing these people then they are old enough to know they are being sent cards.

Blimey I am shocked at the amount of people who think you should give them the cards.

You clearly had very good reasons for cutting contact. This is them trying to get around you by attempting contact with the children they are not allowed to see.

YANBU. Don't give the cards, it will only lead to more questions. Keep throwing them away as this is maintaining contact with toxic family. I don't give a shit about so called family. You have to earn that right, just because people are related to us doesn't make them good people. Something must have been bad for your DH to cut off his parents.

Wheremommagone - I'm sorry for your experience. I do however think there's a big difference between denying/derailing a child's relationship with their father, versus cutting grandparents out.

I agree with Ginger. Its a completely different situation.

Bin them.

You and your DH cut off contact for a reason. This is contact. I would also make sure the DC have some idea why you don't talk to them, to protect them from Facebook contact when they're older.

It's hard to say. Without knowing the situation nobody can tell if these messages are straightforward or intended to be manipulative.

I think if you pass them on there is a danger of raising curiosity in your DCs minds before they are old enough to make an informed decision about their GPs so I guess my view would be don't pass them on but keep them to give to them when they are old enough to understand.

I will say that we have nothing to do with my PIL they made my life hell and caused loads of problems and did unspeakable things.
They have nothing to do with DDs now, mainly because her actions would cause DDs (especially dd1) emotional problems and in not willing to do it.

I initially thought I would say YABU, until I saw the whole post. I am not in contact with my dear niece, and neither are my parents, and it is still a constant cause of grief. We lost contact as my brother split from his wife, and through no fault of mine or the grandparents, so very different to your situation. You are still with their son, and it is their behaviour that has caused this, and there is a risk to the children.

I would, however, say that you do not have the right to bin the cards, but to withhold them and save them until your children come of age, that way you cannot be blamed for throwing their cards etc away, but can justify withholding them, and discuss the reasons why with your adult children.

Trust your own judgement, not that of your friend. You must have been doing this for a reason. If you think that you're acting in the best interests of the children than that's all the reason you need to continue as you are. You can always tell the DC when they're older, if they ask, that their grandparents continued to remember their birthday's and other occasions, if you want to.

I think I would probably go for keeping them in the loft or similar until such time as you can have a proper discussion with the dc about the seriousness of the situation. That way you aren't raising them up as fantasy figures but you are making it clear that when they are older (late teenage) and they want to know more about where they come from they have some things they can have and make their own decisions about what to do with. I wouldn't give them now though.

On the information you have given, YABU. They are not your cards to throw away, they belong to your DCs. And as you yourself have said, you wouldn't prevent contact when the DCs are older. If they choose to go ahead and speak with their GPs, then it's their right to know that they haven't been forgotten.

I'm not doubting your reasons are valid (although with you having told us nothing about them, it's virtually impossible to actually give an opinion in this area), it's just that you are, by default, making a decision for your DCs that I don't think is particularly appropriate to consider your choice.

They must be pretty horrendous for you to not even want to pass their birthday and christmas wishes on to your children. If they are anything other than pure evil, YABU.

I agree with those who say I would definitely keep the cards as they're not yours to bin, they're addressed to your children. But given that they're children & not adults, I would reserve the right to possibly keep the cards in a safe place for them to see when they grow up; regardless of what the GP did (and I have no reason to doubt it was bad), people have many sides to them & I can't see anything wrong in thinking of their grandchildren & sending them cards. That's surely a good thing even coming from people who you don't necessarily want in your life.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm sorry I can't be more specific; there are reasons, mainly that I wouldn't want anyone to identify and I've tried to keep it as private as I can in the past; also partly that it's a very long story with a very horrid punch-line, which I don't really want to have to go through typing out and explaining

I definitely see the messages as manipulative and a way of getting at DH and I - an example was one to DC3 (two years old at the time) saying 'we miss you so much and feel so sad that we're not allowed to see you, we do love you.' Clearly a two year old was not going to be able to read that - but we were .

Eldest knows pretty much the whole story now. He's about it. We have a biggish extended family, apart from them, who we see regularly. The DC have lots of other family around them to make them feel loved and special. Eldest knows about the cards, he always has a look at his before slinging them out - he also sees ones sent for his younger siblings and agrees that we should dump them.

I will admit I can't help seeing them as an unwanted intrusion and contact they know we wouldn't want - which is probably part of what keeps them doing it.

And in response to a later post - I only say the DC might see them when they are older because I am thinking of when they are adults and I won't have a say! I don't mean that I would be happy for them to see them when they were 13 or 14, for example...

I see the messages as manipulative, too. My sister sent a card to my son when he was born. Not a 'congratulations mummy and daddy' card but a card saying hello etc to him. Manipulative twat.

I think that as long as you give them the choice when they are older then it's not so much of a problem. Do you keep christmas cards etc from other people after christmas or do you chuck them anyway too? I think that once they are a similar age to your ds1 though they should see them and have a choice.

I asked about your eldest because I would be guided somewhat by him.

He knows what happened and he also knows that GP send the cards but he chooses to bin them too. That's a bit of a tell IMO.

OP is not keeping the cards from her ds and he has made the decision to have nothing to do with them either so I don't think it's U to prevent communication of any type. Cards included!

Ofcourse the cards are manipulative.

If they know your address they know where you live. If they really missed the DCs they would send you a letter or come round and apologise.

If they know that the reasons are beyond apologies then they shouldnt be still sending cards. They should accept the fact that their actions have consequences and stop sending items which presumably bring up bad memories on what should be happy occassions.

They are toxic and these cards are nothing more than a ploy to continue to disrupt your life.

Yanbu