To have expected a bunch of flowers or just a "Thank you"?

[Misunderstood48]

I have posted in AIBU rather than relationships as there is more traffic here and I need completely honest opinions as it really has been bugging me for a while.

I moved 3 hours away from family when I was 6 months pregnant as my partner had to do a year out from university and he chose to do it 3 hours away rather than near our family (He had the choice, I only found this out after we moved away).

It has been a very hard year, having my baby away from family, Being alone all day every day for over a year and a half now. I was diagnosed with PND 4 months ago and I came off of the tablets a month ago as I had terrible side effects so the doctor said the only option was to go on stronger tablets but that meant seeing a specialist and that I wouldn't be able to look after my baby for a while as they are likely to give you migraines, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. So I decided that (As I didn?t have any help and my DP would not let me go home for a while) to come off of the tablets and cope without them. I then started to get panic attacks whenever I went out with my baby so I haven?t attended any baby groups (I did try one but it ended with me shaking and becoming very upset which caused a lot of confused looks and a lot of staring so I just left) so it has literally been me on my own with my DS, I can manage a trip to the park everyday but that?s about as far I can go without becoming panicky.

It has been extremely hard but I am feeling a lot better than I was, we are moving back near family as DP has completed his ?Year out? and for 2 weeks he has constantly been going out with work, for lunches, to the pub, out for meals etc. We are moving tomorrow and I am left to sort things out on my own as he is going out again tonight.

AIBU to expect a ?Thank you for doing this year for me? or just a bunch of flowers to just show a bit of appreciation or am I being over sensitive? Please be honest.

Oh I feel so sorry for you. I really do.

Your 'D'P sounds like an absolute arse. An abusive prick of the highest order IMO. Your only 19 (really not meant to be patronising), please please don't waste anymore time on an arsehole like this, it is just SO not worth it. (hug)

You need to let your family know who the real DP is, you can't carry on living a lie.
If you continue to be controlled by this man it will only get worse, he has a really concerning lack of respect for you.

My DM absolutey loves my DP and she said that i have been very lucky there

She should be saying how lucky he is to have you. I can't understand some Mums, I really can't.

OMG! The more you post Misunderstood, the more awful it sounds. You aren't grateful to someone for being with you because they look good!!!!! You can be grateful & pleased to be with them if they treat you well - but not because they look good. That is just an accident of good fortune at birth!!!
Nothing you have posted up until now, makes him sound like a nice person to be with. I'm hoping he has a whole host of redeeming qualities (other than his looks) to make him worth your while.

FWIW my mum used to tell me how much she loved my (then) husband. It was only after the 7 years of hell that I found out she had hated him but hadn't wanted to upset me/push me away. OP I really think you should try to speak to your family.

Bloody hell. Seriously. Bloody hell.

OP please read back.

Here is a summary of your posts:

You do not feel good enough or worthy of your partner.
You fell pregnant and he chose to move you 3 hours away from all your friends and family.
He had a great time at work and socially whilst you were left alone, with the baby and this illness (because PND IS an illness).
You reasonably asked to go back for some much needed support and help.
He wouldn't let you.
He is now finished and wants YOU to do all the packing to move back.
You reasonably asked for help and he refused.

I don't give a flying fig if he looks like George bloody Clooney, the man is an abuser.

This is what you have put up with all your life OP. Your mum thinks that you don't deserve him. His family thinks you don't deserve him. You've probably felt second best all your life and been told to be grateful for anything that you get because you're lucky to get this much.

You need to do a bit of self examining. The way your loved ones have treated you is all wrong.

Please go back to your GP and tell them how you feel and what is happening, because you can't leave this abusive man until you can start to see that abuse for what it is. You need to start loving yourself, to think of yourself as worthy of love and so much more. You are special, you are worth something, you deserve everything. You are not second best - you are THE best.

You've a long road to travel and I hope this thread does give you something to think about and that you can start to change the way you see yourself and subsequently the way you are treated by others. I'm damn sure you would never ever treat someone in this way, so why should you accept it? What makes you less deserving than anyone else?

I used to think I was a piece of shit too because that's the way I had been brought up, to think that I was worthless. I was lucky. I met some bloody good friends, really good people who made me realise that my family, those bastards, were actually wrong and that I was worth something after all. They still treat me like shit, but I no longer care. I have a decent life and a loving man who knows my worth.

Life does not have to be all one-sided. But you need support and help to discover this for yourself. So please ask for help, because you and your baby can break this cycle and make better lives for yourselves. And if your partner wants to be part of that then all well and good, but if not then that's the way it works out. Trust me, once you begin to see yourself in a different light you will view them differently too.

The real change begins once the anger kicks in.

xxx

This thread has brought tears to my eyes. You will look back on this awful period in your life and wonder why on earth you put up with such abusive, controlling behaviour. By then, you'll have split up with him and perhaps even be in a relationship with somebody who loves and appreciates you.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned, but where will you all live when you come home?

Please, please confide in your Mum. If you say you haven't already because you don't want to upset her, that surely means she's a caring person on some level and will want to help her baby? At least give her the chance to step up.

Big hugs from a PND survivor.

Apologies now for the generalisation here but this is to just give you a brief indication of what a 'normal' relationship is like:

The man and his partner are equal in all things.
The woman may often be the primary carer of the children but he helps out by taking responsibility for certain chores with the baby and around the house. So if she cooks, he washes up, etc.
If she needs time out, he is supportive and vice versa.
They occasionally get a babysitter and have a night out.
They will sometimes go out with friends leaving the other partner to babysit.
They share aspects of their life, they share conversations and opinions.
There is mutual respect for each other.
There will be arguments but there is never any verbal, physical or emotional abuse.
No one partner will make the other feel worthless for the sake of their own ego.

There are lots of women on this thread who are telling you that you are in an abusive relationship. Women with experience, who are horrified to read what you have written. Take this as a sample of the nation as a whole. Not one person has yet said that HE has a point or that you are being unreasonable. Not one.

That has to say something to you.

Misunderstood my heart is breaking for you. You remind me of me at your age - grateful to be with someone who is so good-looking, popular and such a great prospect, even though he treated me like shit and made me feel completely worthless.

You love him, I understand that, but any man worth his salt wouldn't have said or done half the things he had.

Please please please I urge you to see your doctor again, and then pack ONLY yours and your DSs things and then get the hell away from him.

You need to tell your mum now! You are not in a mutually loving rekationship by what you have told us, but a controlling abusive one. Your love i am afraid is misguided, he has chipped at you piece by piece, making you more dependant on him, I hope that you see the light soon. Not letting you go to your family for help and support, blackmailing you if you go you can't come back, offering no support to you in your difficult time, going out living it up whilst you stay at home looking after the baby and packing. Lying to you so tat he gets what he wants, is not respecting you and dismissing your feelings. That's not a loving man my dear but an abusive controlling prick

He is not running a hotel (tosser!) nor are you his guest.

I would pack and go as soon as he closed the door behind him this evening to go out with his friends (who he has known for a year and who mean more to him than you do).
He is not worth wasting your time/affection on.
Handsome is as handsome does and he is looking pretty damn ugly at the moment.

[Excuse me] BeauNeidel I love your nn, can I have it once you've finished with it? Pretty please?

I can not thank you all enough for the support you have shown me.

I think that going back to the GP when we move is a good idea, Just to tell him how I am doing. I just worry that they would take my son off of me for a while if I have to go on the tablets the specialist gives me and I couldn't handle that, He is the only thing I have ever wanted out of life and I couldn't function without him.

I'll be perfectly honest it has come as an absolute shock to read that from others point of view he is being an abuser, I have never thought that before. I thought that the things that he says sometimes are hurtful but I didn't know that it looks as though it may be abuse.

He is the first serious relationship I have ever been in and I do feel second to him because I have never had any other reason not to.

The thought of telling my DM makes me feel sick because she has always thought so highly of DP, I am going to print this post off and read it all later aswell as I am getting upset and I need to be thinking clearly.

Thank you so much, I have never had such nice things said to me/About me I really haven't and I really appreciate it.

Huge hug to you Misunderstood. You are so young & doing so much. Try not to get upset - but come back on here - there is always loads of support.

Big hugs misunderstood I am glad that you are comming to the realisation that the way he is treating you is just not normal. Your judgement s clouded as you are you are young and not experienced in relationships, as he is your first you have nothing to compare to. Good luck I hope you meet someone kind, respectful, loving and decent there are men out there. You have to tell your mum, even just write a letter and post it to her

Your poor thing, you sound so nice and far too reasonable. I don't think anyone would take your baby away for any reason, though we all worry about it (completely needlessly).

If your situation improved, you might not even need the stronger tablets. I'm sure that being treated the way you are is not helping your PND any.
As LRD says, your mum may be over-acting. If she knew what he has been saying to you, I'm not so sure that she would think he is so lovely any more. My mum would never forgive my DH if he said the things to me that your "D"P has been saying to you.
You are not second to him (he just wants you to feel that way).

Don't be sad, get mad. Sadness just drives you further inside yourself. Feel the anger, it will help you stick up for yourself (and your DS).

You probably don't need the medication if you had the support and help you need. If you were back amongst friends and family then you would probably cope without it.

Go back to your GP with a copy of this thread if you like. Ask him/her to read it in their own time and then make a further appointment to discuss what help you need. I would suggest counselling, perhaps cognitive behavioural therapy to change the way you see yourself in relation to others.

Contrary to popular opinion on here, I wouldn't bother telling your mum. She obviously has set this whole way of thinking in motion. You don't have such a low opinion of yourself naturally, that came from somewhere and I'm guessing from the little that you've said, that came from her. I would rather advise you to confide in a close friend, someone you trust, even if you haven't been in contact with that person for a while. Your mother will only drive you back to him. You need someone who will boost your confidence, not drain it.

Do you have an aunt, a friend, a sister, a cousin - anyone? Anyone at all whom you can tell? Someone who just might be able to offer you the support you need?

Or if you don't have anyone, how about you give us a rough location of where you are and those Mumsnetters close by can perhaps PM you and pop round for a cuppa and a chat? Check with MNHQ first before you meet anyone who PMs you, just to make sure. We're not such a scary bunch and I know that there will be plenty of posters on here dying to help out. Trust me, we would do it not because we feel obliged, but because we care and we would be honoured to help.

You are special to us and you are important. So let us help you.

misunderstood YANBU at all and you must feel so isolated. It's good that you are moving back near friends and family, and I wouldn't be surprised if you PND has been made worse by your partners behaviour.

Whatever you do, look out for your best interests and that of your child. Your partner sounds selfish at best.

Please talk to family or friends about things.

ComPletely agree with therhubarb

Hope you are ok misunderstood48.

Yes, how are you, OP?

'my DP would not let me go home for a while'

I would advise you not to talk to your mother about this. I suspect your low self esteem comes from her. I'm guessing that she has implied that you won't do better than your DP, that no one else would want you etc etc etc? Is that about right?

That's a very good point, Cailin. OP did say "My DM absolutely loves my DP and she said that i have been very lucky there, She has always said this." Any influence OP's mother may have may be not in the OP's best interests.

OP said she was 19

OP this is an abusive relationship. I was in one at 19 and was lucky enough to have him leave ma (and my DS) because I was struggling to see it myself.

I really hope you can leave this relationship. I know it's hard but like someone else said, you will look back on this time and wonder why on Earth you were putting up with it.